Done
September, 2002
The yellow ribbons are still tied to the over ramps, but the people from yesterday who stood next to them waving their American flags are all gone. They’ve returned to their lives...probably nice normal unadulterated ones too.
I did a good job of hiding my latest Chrissygan from Nicole and Courtney at the cemetery yesterday, but it’ll only be a matter of time before Kurt tells their husbands what happened. I’ll deal with it when the stupid ass cat gets out of the bag. I have much bigger fish to fry right now. And the conversation I had with Kelly at the cemetery yesterday did little to make me think the fish fry would be easy. Her imaginary voice of reason continues to haunt me. “Getting him back might be just as difficult as getting me back.” Even Kendall’s Magic 8 ball gave me a reading of “outlook not good” this morning when I asked it if Leo would ever forgive me.
After I drop Kendall at pre-school, I decide to make a self-deprecating stop at the new house to water the flowers I planted in the front yard just two days before the bottom fell out of my life…again. As I’m lost in a daze with the hose, neighbors who I’ve already become fond of pass by and ask, “When’s the big move in day?” I just shrug and murmur unintelligible jibber jabber.
To no avail, I’ve now left about fifty phone messages for Leo. He’s a smart and responsible man, so I know he’s fully aware of the financial burdens that are about to hit me with the new mortgage and the extended lease we signed on the cottage. But I’m starting to get nervous that my latest Chrissygan has made him not give a crap. And then I stare down at my ring. I can’t bear to take it off, which is ironic seeing as though I barely wore it the first few months I had it. And why? Oh, right…because I was trying to protect Numb Nuts from getting hurt. And what did that get me? Abso-freaking-NOTHING! And what did it get me for feeling sorry for him when I found the picture of his college graduation? It got me drunk! Everything I do and say to protect Kurt’s feelings leads to a disaster. It always has and it always will. So why do I do it? Looking down at my watch, “Maybe I’ll finally figure out the answer to that question in about an hour.”
As I’m turning off the hose, I hear my cell phone. Cranking the nozzle faster and then making a run for it, I’m too late. It stops ringing by the time I get to my car. Picking it off of the passenger seat, I scroll through the missed calls and my heart literally stops when I see the number. It’s a New York prefix! I hit the send button and hold my breath as the line rings and rings and rings and then…
“Hi, Chrissy.”
That’s certainly not the voice I wanted to hear.
“Did you call to yell at me? Because if you did, I really don’t think I can handle it right now, Taddeo.”
“I didn’t call to yell at you.”
It’s a shock and a relief all at the same time. It’s shelief.
“Then please tell me he’s on his way here to talk to me and you’re calling to tell me to pick him up at the airport.”
“He’s not on his way.”
“I swear nothing happened! Please tell me he believes that.”
“Chrissy…”
“Damn it, Taddeo! Please tell me what to do!”
“Let him go.”
“I can’t!”
Obviously uncomfortable, he clears his throat. “Look, I actually believe you when you say nothing happened with that guy because I’ve seen how much you love Leo. But, Chrissy…for some reason you can’t let go of your past and it’s f*cking him up.”
“I’m not holding onto anything and--”
“Listen…I’m calling to tell you he thinks it’s best to cut ties like this. He said you can tell Kendall whatever you want, but he won’t be coming back.”
“No! She adores him and--”
“That’s up to you to deal with. Look, he’s done. I’m sorry. As far as the house goes, you can buy him out by covering half of the down payment and assume the loan, or you can…”
Slumping down to the curb, I stop hearing everything Taddeo’s saying. I stop seeing my new neighbors. I stop feeling. He’s done. It’s over. I believe it this time.
“Chrissy! Hello….Are you there?”
“I…I think so.”
“I know it’s a lot to figure out right now. Maybe talk to the real estate agent about your options. Leo’s been in touch with her, and she knows what’s going on.”
Great. My agent knows my fiancé left me. He’s done. It’s over. I believe it this time.
“Can I talk to him?”
“Not gonna happen.”
“If you could just convince him to talk to me…He’ll listen to you! I know he will!”
“Chrissy, I tried, and you might not believe me, but I told him to listen to what you had to say. I’m his best friend…I hate seeing him go through this shit. But he doesn’t…”
“He doesn’t what?”
“He doesn’t trust you…for like, the tenth time.”
After a long moment of silence, I take a deep breath and ask, “He’s done?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s over?”
“…Yeah.”
“I believe it this time.”
“Sorry, Chrissy.”
“How come you’re being so nice to me all of a sudden?”
“I dunno. Guess it’s tough to beat someone when they’re down. Or, maybe it’s all of the 9/11 anniversary stuff. ”
“Can’t believe it’s been a year. How are you holding up?”
I surprise myself by asking the unselfish question…and in the midst of my crisis. Maybe I’m growing up after all.
“It’s been tough. Couldn’t have done it without Leo. Maybe I feel a little guilty about that. I mean, if he didn’t have to come here…”
“You didn’t do this, Taddeo. It was all me.” After a long pause, “Can you tell him something for me?”
“Sure.”
“Tell him I know I betrayed his trust and I don’t blame him for reacting like this.”
“Okay.”
“Tell him I know I don’t deserve him.”
“Okay.”
“Taddeo?”
“Yes?”
“Please tell him I’ll always love him.”