Oh, NO You Didn’t!
August, 2002
“Guuuurl, you really did it this time!”
Shoving chips and salsa into my mouth, “What did I do now?”
“I told you…if you didn’t make the choice it would be made for you.”
“Kelly, what the hell are you talking about now? I swear, you never make sense to me anymore.”
“Believe me, you don’t make sense to me either!”
Our drinks finally arrive, and I’m so thirsty that I immediately guzzle mine down.
“I’d be dehydrated too if I were you.”
“Why? Did we get hammered last night?”
“Somebody did!”
“What the heck is that annoying ringing sound?”
Clapping her hands in total excitement, Kelly chimes, “Oh boy! Here it comes!”
“Here what comes? And would you turn that damn thing off, it’s driving me crazy!”
“It’s yours, you big dummy!”
I begin searching my pockets for the sound, but I can’t find it. It just keeps getting louder and louder.
“Kel, why won’t it stop?”
“Oh, it’s about to stop alright.”
The annoying ringing pulls me out of my dream and my eyes slowly crack open only to quickly wince shut again. Oh man, my head…it’s pounding. Smacking my tongue around my dry mouth…it’s like freakin’ cotton, dipped in peanut butter, wrapped in tissue paper. Jesus, that noise…is that my cell phone? Eyes still closed, I reach down to grab it out of my back pocket where I’m pretty sure I last put it. Suddenly, my eyes snap wide open.
“WHERE THE F*ck ARE MY PANTS?”
Startled by mumbling, I quickly turn over to see my ex-husband lying next to me…shirtless.
“OMIGOD, WHY ARE YOU IN HERE WITH ME? WAIT, WHY AM I EVEN HERE?
A very groggy Kurt, tells me to turn off my phone.
“I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE HELL MY PHONE IS, KURT!”
“Oh, good…it stopped.”
“NO! NOT GOOD! NONE OF THIS IS GOOD! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT? ”
Just then a very sweet Kendall, in her very sweet Dora the Explorer pajamas, bounces into what I think is Kurt’s bedroom, and she’s holding my cell phone.
“I find her, Weo. Yes, sweeping with Ku-Ku.”
WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Forgetting about my head pain and thirst, I leap out of bed and grab the phone from Kendall’s tiny hands. As calmly as possible, I tell her to go and pick out any cookies she wants to eat for breakfast and then I run into the bathroom.
“Leo! It’s me. I’m right here. Sorry about that.”
“Did I just hear what I thought I heard?”
“Huh? What’s that?”
OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD!
“Chrissy, what did Kendall just say?”
“Oh, that? I was sweeping when you called and…I guess…I guess I didn’t hear my phone.”
“Sweeping… at seven in the morning?”
“Yeah, tons to do with the move and all. Just getting an early start.”
“It’s Saturday. Kendall’s not supposed to be with you.”
“Right, uhhh, there was a last minute schedule change.”
“Were you sweeping with a cuckoo clock in your hands?”
“What? That’s funny, why the heck would you say that?”
“Kendall said you were sweeping with Ku-Ku. That’s what she calls Numb Nuts, right?”
OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD!
“You know…Gosh, I don’t really remember what she calls him.”
The line is silent for a God awful uneasy amount of time before he speaks again.
“I think you’re lying to me.”
I am and I don’t want to because I made a vow that I wouldn’t, but how do I get out of what I don’t even know quite yet what I’m supposed to get out of? F*ck ME! Oh, geez! I take that back! Please don’t let me have been f*cked! Pleeeeeeeeease Jesus, who I promise I’ll start believing in RIGHT NOW! Please, please, please don’t let me have been f*cked!
“Chrissy, if I fly home right now and ask Kendall if she was with you at the cottage this morning and you were sweeping, what would she say?”
Looking at myself in Kurt’s bathroom mirror, wearing nothing but a tank top and underwear, I know I’m f*cked…just hopefully not for the second time in twelve hours.
“She’d say…she’d say…”
“Would she say you were at the cottage?”
Closing my eyes, “No.”
So calm it’s scaring the crap out of me, he continues, “Would she say you were sweeping with a broom when she handed you the phone?”
My body is now trembling, I’m biting my lower lip, my eyes are closed and my head is shaking “No,” but the word won’t come out of my mouth.
Calm is now gone. “CHRISSY, WERE YOU IN HIS BED?”
“Leo, please…nothing happened. I came to drop her off and--”
“ANSWER THE F*ckING QUESTION!”
In barely a whisper, I croak, “Yes.” For almost a minute, the line is completely silent and then, now jarringly composed, he says, “I was calling to tell you how sorry I was that I couldn’t reach you yesterday and to make sure you got your birthday present, but it looks like you were busy getting another one.”
“Leo, It’s not like that. Please, I can explain--”
“You don’t get to do that anymore, Chrissy. I’m only gonna say this once, so pay real close attention. Do not ever contact me again. Do you understand me?”
“No, Leo! Please! It’s not what it seems like! DON’T DO THIS!”
“I’m doing this.” And then the line went dead.