Reminiscing
August, 2002
“Cabernet, right?”
“Yeah, a heavy one of you’ve got it. If I’m gonna fall off the wagon, I want it to be with something I love.”
He hands me the glass of wine as my eyes drift in every direction. Although void of most of the essential pieces of furniture, Kurt’s house is absolutely gorgeous.
Laughing like I can’t help it, “Kayla would’ve loooooooved this place.”
“Not without a ring she wouldn’t have.”
Enjoying my first sip of alcohol in nearly nine months, I ponder, “What is it with girls these days? Why are they in such a rush to settle down?”
Nearly spitting out his first sip, “And you weren’t?”
“Are you talking about this time or last time?”
“Seeing as though we dated for nine years before we got married, I’d hardly say you rushed into that marriage.”
“Didn’t I though? I mean, if I never stopped to ask myself if it was right or not, I’d consider that being in a rush.”
Just then Kendall comes bouncing into the room to show us a picture she colored. After both of us excessively admire her work, she jets back off to tackle another one. It’s quiet for a long time before Kurt tackles a little something himself.
“Why question something that felt right?”
Reflecting on my old Life List and wishing for a second I had kept it to show Kendall an example of what NOT to do when you’re a teenager, I regretfully whisper, “I never questioned anything on my list.”
“What list?”
I settle into a big overstuffed chair and exclaim, “Holy shit, Kurt! Is this from Ethan Allen?”
Ignoring me, he asks again, “What list, Chrissy?”
“Fine. I never told you this because you would’ve just laughed at me, but…right after I met you…I made a silly list of all of the things I wanted in life.”
Kurt knows how I am with lists. He’s seen me make grocery lists, weekly to-do lists, household project lists. He knows that everything I put down on a list, gets crossed off. Always.
“It was stupid. There was some nonsense on it about college and a fashion career…some stuff about you.”
“Like what?”
There was a time when Kurt never would’ve wanted to know. He would’ve agreed the list was stupid and then he’d turn his attention to something I thought was stupid like buying a bread making machine or snow shoes.
“Ridiculous stuff like that I wanted to buy a house with you, marry you, buy a bigger house with you...”
“Is that all?”
“There was some stuff about kids…”
Knowing it’s an emotional subject for me, he reaches over to re-fill my glass. Ignoring my one drink limit, I let him.
Reflecting on my old life, I whisper, “I wanted two of them. A boy first and then a girl. Silly, I know.”
“It’s a good thing we got a divorce because that would’ve been a problem…I wanted six.”
His humor is off the charts, but so is his timing and the wine literally flies out of my mouth.
“Hey, watch the chair! That thing cost more than my mortgage payment!”
“Sorry, but SIX? You never told me! That right there should be proof to you that we had a HUGE communication problem!”
“What girl is gonna marry a guy who wants six kids? No shit I never told you!”
He hasn’t let his guard down around me since he found out I was engaged, and it’s nice to see him relax a little.
“Well, well, well! Looks like I’m not the only one who wasn’t honest about the things she wanted in life!”
And then he’s serious again.
“But I still would’ve spent the rest of my life with you if we only had two.”
“Kurt…”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” Refilling his own glass now, “It’s totally out of line to say that to someone who’s rushing into their second marriage.”
“Very funny. Look, I’m not rushing into anything. When it’s right, it’s right. Please don’t make me explain this to you. It’s uncomfortable.”
“I’m not asking you to. Look, I know it’s hard to believe, but all I want is for you to be happy, Chrissy.”
My eye roll speaks volumes.
“I’m serious. You deserve all of the things on that list you didn’t think you could have with me. It’s who you plan on having it all with that makes me pissed.”
Clearing his throat, which is his usual way of signifying the end of the conversation, he invites me to stay for dinner to soak up some of the alcohol I just consumed. Kendall, who’s entering the room with another picture, hears the invitation and jumps up and down with delight and begs me to stay. After checking my messages again to see that there aren’t any, I accept and for the next two hours, Kurt, Kendall, and I make homemade pasta. Flour flies everywhere and so does the laughter. Everything’s relaxed and fun and it finally seems like the visitation arrangement Kelly had the foresight to set up for Kendall might work after all.
Wiping the last of the pasta off of my face, “God damn, you’re a good cook, Kurt.”
“I waited a long time to hear you say that!”
“Tell me though, now that you live alone, who do you yell at when you burn something?”
Dinner’s done. Kendall’s quietly playing upstairs and music is softly humming in the background. Re-filling my fifth glass of wine, he shoots back with, “Very funny. And by the way, I never yelled at you. I was yelling at the food. You just always happen to be standing there when it happened.”
After another much needed laugh, I place my hand on top of his.
“Thanks for talking me into staying. You were right; I would’ve just gone home and sulked.”
“No problem. I think it was good for Kendall too.”
I look down at his hand that I hadn’t touched in a very long time, and when I do, the song we danced to at his graduation party in 1986 starts to play on the stereo.
“Omigod, Kurt, remember this one?”
“Of course I do. I’m the one that put it in my playlist.”
He sips his wine and watches me attentively, as I sing out loud…thinking I sound a lot better than I actually do, thanks to the wine. “We walked…the loneliest mile…We smiled…without any style. We kissed altogether wrong…no intention. We lied…about each other’s dreams…Wow, Kurt! It’s like the song was written for us. Woulda saved us a lot of heartache if we listened to the words a little closer back in 1986, don’tcha think?”
“You really think we kissed altogether wrong?”
“Not at first, but-”
“And you think I lied to you about my dreams?”
“Well you never told me you wanted six kids, that’s for sure!”
Unleashing one of his infamous half smiles, “I guess you got me on that one.”
I’m not sure if it’s the song, my singing, or the fact that I overstayed my welcome, but all of a sudden he’s on his feet, excusing himself from the table.
“I’m gonna get Kendall ready for bed and then I’ll put on a pot of coffee. Sound good?”
Checking my watch, I’m shocked that it’s already nine o’clock. Leo’s either on an airplane to or from Texas or he’s completely forgotten it’s my birthday. I guess there’s no need to rush home…and I kind of want to hear that song again.
“Another bottle of wine sounds better.”
He contemplatively stares at me for a long time before he says, “You got it. The opener’s in the drawer next to the fridge. I’ll be down as soon as I can.”
After I blow a goodnight kiss to Kendall who’s upstairs, I clear the dishes and then actually enjoy washing them in a kitchen that’s larger than the size of one inside of an RV, (like the one in my cottage.) When I’m done, I rewind the music, grab a bottle from the wine fridge and search for the opener. Rummaging around the drawer, I find a stack of papers about Nepal with a post-it on top marked ‘For Megan.’
I mumble, “Charity freaks.”
I shove the papers aside, and when I do I’m taken aback by what’s underneath. I slowly reach in and pick up the thing that causes a rush of emotions to hit me.
“If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve been all alone.”
I whirl around to find Kurt staring at me holding a picture of the two of us from his college graduation day. He gently takes the photo from my hand and stares at it for a long time himself before saying, “That was the moment.”
“What moment?”
“The moment I blew it.”
This is the point where, in the past, I’d list off all of the ways I felt like he blew it, hoping he’d agree, but usually getting in an argument instead. Not this time. For once, I’m quiet.
“I didn’t know it back then, but I do now.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I never expected a lot from my folks. By the time they had me, they already had five kids. They were f*cking tired and the novelty of stuff like little league, boy scouts, and school conferences had totally evaporated. I guess it’s why I always wanted to have six kids of my own…to prove that you can give the last one just as much time and attention as the first one.”
He grabs the opener out of the drawer and continues to talk as he gets to work on the wine bottle.
“Anyway, by the time I got to high school, my parents were even more tired. Plus, by then, my dad had been hitting the bottle pretty hard and my mom was in total denial about it. Things got really weird or maybe they were weird all along and I was just finally old enough to see my family for what is was. What was it you used to call them?”
Rather apologetically, I confess, “Dysfunction junction.”
“That’s right. Anyhow, I had to push away any expectation or dependence I had of either of them. It was fight or flight, you know?”
I remain quiet as he refills my glass.
“So I didn’t have any…until I graduated from college, anyway. I made the road to that day pretty easy for them too. I mean, I never asked them for a dime, always had a job…bought my own car. I was a pretty good kid, you know?”
I so badly want to call his parents a couple of f*ckers right now for not even making the effort to go to his graduation. But I bite my lip.
“It’s like, all they had to do was show up that day and say, ‘good job, Kurt.’ I had no idea how badly I needed to hear those words until I realized I wasn’t gonna get them.”
Looking down at the picture, I hurt all over again for him.
“But you were there…and it scared the shit out of me.”
Confused, I look back up at him.
“It petrified me that one teeny tiny twenty-one-year-old girl could have so much control over my happiness…that I could need something so badly. It’s like that fight or flight thing clicked inside of me, and I pushed away expectation and dependence all over again. There was no way I was gonna allow anyone to let me down the way my parents did. So, I acted like I didn’t need you and I tried to convince you not to need me. It was the moment I blew it.”
Kurt and I could’ve had it all…if he had been willing to risk his heart. We could’ve had it all…if he believed in what I was offering him the day of his college graduation. We could’ve had it all…if he had admitted any of this stuff to me even just two weeks before I met Leo.
“And what’s weird is that even though I acted like that, you married me any way. I got everything I ever wanted without having to give up anything for it. But, I was too stupid to realize that there would be others out there who would offer you the things you deserved and that you’d need those things bad enough to leave me for them. I was too stupid to notice you weren’t a young girl anymore.”
Putting down his wine glass, Kurt now takes a step closer to me, lifts my chin and wipes a tear from my face.
“I know exactly what truly, madly, deeply love is, Chrissy. I’ve been at war with it since the moment I met you.”
And then his perfectly molded lips kissed me.