Onward and Upward
June, 2002
“Thank you for taking care of that.”
“What? All I did was order the food.”
“I’m talking about my clothes. Thanks for not throwing them away. I just know all of that fluorescent stuff will make a comeback one day.”
“Okay…one, you’re totally wrong about that assumption. And, two…how come I never know what you’re talking about anymore, Kelly?”
Giggling, “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“Huh?”
“Who’s it gonna be, Chrissy? Just pick already!”
“Who’s who gonna be?”
“You’re gonna have to choose or something will happen that’ll make the choice for you.”
“Are you talking about love?”
“You got it.”
“Will I ever find it?”
“It’s all around you…even about to be inside of you.”
“I’ve always had love inside of me, Kel!”
“But, you’ve never had it growing inside of you.”
I bolt straight up in bed and grab my stomach, which is stupid because unless a phone can impregnate me, I’m in the clear.
There’s no need to jump out of bed because Kendall’s with Kurt, so I slump back down and reflect on my latest confusing dream with Kelly. I know I’m not pregnant, and I know what man I’ve chosen, so what’s the message? Are these dreams some kind of a reflection of my insecurities? But, what insecurities? I know who I am now and I know what I want, so why all of the creepy man/baby talk? Maybe I’ll give Dr. Maria a jingle and chat about it. I’ve wanted to touch base with her since she set me up with Dr. Vikki, but life has done nothing but get in the way of it. Maybe next week. Too much to do today. And first on my list of things to do is to call my gynecologist and get my depo provera shot so I’m ready to go when Leo moves back home. I’ll do anything to avoid another condom nightmare from happening. I swear, if all of my hair hadn’t been waxed off, the friction would’ve started a fire and burned the damn hotel down.
I make my way to the bathroom and like usual, trip over a hundred toys on the way. And, like usual I groan, “Son of a bitch, I can’t live like this anymore.” And it doesn’t look like I’ll have to for much longer! Leo and I had a long talk in Half Moon Bay, and we decided I should get started on looking for a house. It makes more sense to have a home ready and waiting for him upon his return in July, there’s simply no room in the cottage for a suitcase, let alone a man. Both of our businesses are doing extremely well and we’re prepared to spend a pretty penny on a piece of property in Lafayette. It’s where Kendall’s pre-school is and in keeping with the consistency commitment I made to Kelly, I won’t switch her. Not that I would anyway. My inexperienced mom ass got super lucky and picked an amazing school. She loves it there and is totally thriving. So much so that Dr. Vikki only has us on an as needed basis. As of right now, there’s no need to see her in person.
Once Kelly and Craig’s house was sold and all of their things were put in storage, a huge weight got lifted off of me. And, spending two amazing nights with Leo helped to alleviate a lot of stress that had been building up. Almost overnight, my head cleared and I was able to better manage my days. I started setting my alarm clock for an hour earlier to once again enjoy a quiet cup of coffee and a long shower, and I started making larger grocery trips on the weekends so I didn’t have to run around like a crazy woman during the week. I even enrolled Kendall and me in cooking classes and we’re learning what a well-balanced meal is together. I also put her in an after school gymnastics program that gives me an hour more a day in the office. All of the changes have brought a great deal of sanity back into my life and it’s reflected in Kendall’s smile every day. She’s healthy and active and for the most part seems to be enjoying life. I’m sure there are a million other things I could be doing to make her days better and I bet Kelly spelled them all out for me in those videos, but I still can’t bring myself to watch them. Brushing my hand alongside the box that holds them, I mutter, “I just need a little more time, Kel.”
In the shower I wash my body and like always I imagine my hands are Leo’s. I’ve missed the touch of a man like I never thought I would. Sure I’m “mom” tired, but something about being a mom seems to bring out the desire more than when I was without her. Maybe it’s a fear of becoming old…of becoming undesirable. I don’t know, but it’s an insecurity I don’t want to think about right now because I’m happy and I don’t want anything to bring me down. I exit the shower and push aside Leo’s still hard and tousled towel from when he last went back to New York in December after the fight with Kurt. It’s one of the few reminders I have of him in the cottage and I can’t bring myself to alter it.
Now staring at myself in the mirror, I study the fine lines under my eyes and wonder if I look thirty-three. I’ll be turning that old in two months. It’s hard to believe I was only twenty-eight when I met Leo. Its’ even harder for me to believe, given all of the wrenches thrown at us, that the dreams he and I shared the night we met at Buckley’s are about to come true. I can’t believe that I sat down next to a twenty-two-year-old, college attending, rock yard worker and went home destined to spend the rest of my life with him. And now, four years later he’s accomplished his goal of becoming not only an investment banker, but the managing partner of T.L. Capital, his very own business. And I learned to follow my heart and it led me to my very own business, Forever Young, Inc. There have been times when I thought for sure our relationship wouldn’t make it, but it was always our shared dreams that brought us back together, and I know it’s our shared dreams that will keep us together. Dr. Maria so brilliantly made me realize that.
Now in my bedroom putting on my clothes, my thoughts return to my list of things to do today, which starts with the house hunt. Hopefully I’ll find us the perfect one and it’ll close by mid-July, because I have another big thing I have to start planning: our wedding. Leo and I finally talked about it in Half Moon Bay and decided to bail on the idea of Fiji and just have a very small wedding at our new house, like with just the two of us, Kendall and a bunch of snipes. We set the date for September fourteenth. Four months from today.
Heading to my desk to get started on a list of must-haves in the new house, my mind drifts off for a second to the two amazing days with Leo in Half Moon Bay. It makes me remember two very important items to put on the list--long hallways and a lock on the master bedroom door! Come to think of it, we might even want to build in some sound proofing!