End of an era
April, 2002
“It looks like that’s the last of it.”
“Yeah, and right on time. I told Guss and Kyle I’d be back to the house by five o’clock and…” he looks at his watch, “...look at that, an hour and a half to go.”
Standing in front of Kelly and Craig’s house with a garbage bag in one hand and a broom in the other, Kurt and I stare in silence at the home we shared a lot of laughter in over the years.
“Man, remember when they bought this place?”
“Yeah, we were so jealous. We still lived in our little shack in Half Moon Bay.”
“Aw, c’mon…our house wasn’t that bad.”
“Kurt, we had a tarp on the roof ten out of twelve months of the year. Calling it a shack is giving it too much credit!”
“Seems like just yesterday, doesn’t it?”
“Hard to believe it was five years ago next month.”
“That’s right…they moved in May, didn’t they?”
“Oh, geez, remember the freak rain storm that day?” Chuckling at the memory, “Craig and I were scrambling to get the couch from the U-Haul into the house before it got drenched.”
“And you dropped it! Kelly and I were laughing our asses off. We were in the living room, unpacking boxes…watching you guys fumble around…” My voice trails off as I say, “…she was just pregnant with Kendall.”
“Are you okay, Chrissy?”
“No. Are you?”
“No.”
“Will we ever be?”
“I hope so, for Kendall’s sake.”
After a long pause, I turn to him, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, Kurt. It’s really scary.”
“Me neither, but she’s only four, it’s not like she’s been through this before and can correct our mistakes, right?”
“How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Stay positive all of the time.”
“Trust me, you taught me how to see the negative in all kinds of things.”
“I knew you were gonna say that.”
“What was that you said after you tormented Kayla at the house in Orinda? Oh yeah, it was just too easy.” And then he shows me a sliver of his infamous half smile.
“I guess I deserved that.”
I see his eyes shift down to my ring finger and his mood takes a nose dive. “And a whole lot more if you ask me.” And now his smile’s gone.
“And, why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Flip-flop your emotions. It’s like one minute you can go from being nice and cracking jokes with me to the next when you clearly hate my guts.”
“Just drop it. I’ll go lock up.”
“C’mon, Kurt, I know I deserve all of the crap you throw at me and it would make more sense if you hated me one hundred percent of the time, but sometimes you give me these little signals that we might be able to have a working relationship and then other times you’re cutting me down. I never know where you mind is.”
“You wanna know where my mind is? It’s with Kendall all of the time. And, I can have a working relationship with you, for her. I think I’ve proven that to you. But, when I remember what’s-his-name is coming back, and he’ll have a hand in raising her, it makes me sick. That’s why my emotions flip-flop.”
How will things ever be normal for Kendall when Kurt calls Leo, ‘what’s-his-name’, and Leo calls Kurt, ‘numb nuts?’ This parenting set up is doomed.
“What am I supposed to do, Kurt? I mean, think about it, we’re divorced. I was bound to meet someone eventually and probably get married again. You are too. Is this how you expect me to act when you bring a woman into the picture? Am I supposed to give her an insulting nick name and act angry all of the time?”
“Yeah, if she was f*cking me while we were married.”
Yep, this parenting set up is definitely doomed.
“You know what? You’re right. And, I know you don’t believe me, but I’d give anything for things to have happened differently. But, if it’s Kendall’s happiness you’re concerned with you’re going to have to find a way to handle your emotions, and what’s-his-name will have to too. Because, I swear to God, I won’t let anything stand in the way of that girl’s happiness. I mean it, Kurt. I’ll rip that visitation away from you faster than you can say Yosemite National Forest, and I’ll break off my engagement with Leo faster than he can say capital divided if you two can’t get your shit together! Got it?”
Instead of threatening me right back, Kurt doubles over and starts laughing like crazy.
“What are you laughing at? I’m serious!”
“It’s Yosemite National Park and capital dividend!”
I’m only able to hold back my own laughter for two seconds and then it takes us way more than that to compose ourselves.
“Oh, man…why am I so damn stupid?”
“Oh stop, you’re not stupid.”
And now more seriously, I confess, “I’m gonna screw that little girl up, I just know it.”
“Not a chance. All it takes is love, and she tells me all of the loving things you do for her. I hear about the places you take her, the songs you sing her…the food you try to cook her. You’re doing a good job, so don’t beat yourself up and certainly don’t call yourself stupid. You’re far from it.”
“So, I’m not as bad of a mom as you always thought I’d be, huh?”
Clearly disgusted with himself, “I might’ve said some stupid stuff to you over the years, but I hope you believe me when I tell you I never meant for any of it to make you feel inadequate.”
“But, can you see now how it would’ve?”
“Obviously. We’re standing here divorced and you have that thing on your finger.” After a long pause he looks back toward the house and murmurs, “I think we’re done here. You ready to lock it up?”
Feeling overwhelming sadness at the finality of it all, I exhale, “I don’t think I can.”
“I’ll take care of it. Why don’t you head to my house to pick up Kendall.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive. My time ends with her at five o’clock sharp. I’d hate to lose my visitation because I didn’t have her ready for you in time.”
“Hey, I’m not that mean!” Pausing before I open my car door, I turn back to him.
“Kurt?”
“Yep?”
“Thank you…for everything. I never could’ve done this without you.”
“No problem.”
Just when I’m about to close my door he yells back, “Hey Chrissy…”
“Yeah?”
“How come what’s-his-name didn’t offer to help?”
“I never asked him to.”
“Why’s that?”
Looking back up at the house, “I guess I needed to mourn it without explaining exactly what it was I was mourning.”
“That makes sense. I bet he hates getting dragged back into your past. One of the downsides of starting over, huh?”
“I wish it wasn’t that way, but yeah.”
“I remember that with Kayla. I felt like she couldn’t possibly understand the pain associated with my losses because she wasn’t around to celebrate the joys once linked to them.”
Even though Leo is about as compassionate as any man could possibly be, Kurt’s right. He’ll never truly understand how heartbreaking my divorce was or how painful the deaths of my dear friends were. It’s like Kurt’s the only person in the world who can identify with what I’ve gone through.
Gazing back at the house, “I hate to be the dramatic one all of the time, but it kinda feels like the end of an era.”
“Not dramatic at all. What lived in this house was supposed to be forever, but something came along and messed things up. I can probably relate to that sentiment more than anyone else.” And then he walked inside to lock all of the doors.
I'm knocking down buildings
Searching high and low
l'm looking for a feeling
Just one more time before I go
(Back to Her, Five Way Friday)