Ready?
March, 2003
“Well, well, well…I wasn’t expecting this!”
Rubbing her hands on my belly, she continues with, “Do you know what you’re having?”
“Nope, let’s just say I’m all about the surprises these days.”
“Well, you look absolutely beautiful, hunny.”
Faking a smile, “You know me, Dr. Maria…it’s all about what’s on the outside.”
“Things not so pretty on the inside?”
“Hideous, actually.”
After a long pause, she takes off her glasses and points at my stomach, “You don’t know whose that is, do you?”
Letting out an exhausted breath, “All signs point to it being Leo’s.”
Looking down at the size of my stomach, “Well, when are you going to start asking the questions that are going to give you the definitive answers you need?”
After plopping into the couch I give her a matter of fact, “I’m not, and I guess that’s why I’m here.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m too afraid of the fallout.”
“But Chrissy, this isn’t about you anymore.”
Why is that everyone’s favorite thing to say to me?
Throwing my hands in the air, “Dr. Maria, it’s too late.”
“Too late for what?”
“Too late for any of this to be good.”
“Chrissy, you need answers for this baby. Don’t you see that?”
“AND DON’T YOU SEE HOW TERRIFYING THIS IS FOR ME?”
I’ve been brash before with Dr. Maria, sometimes even a little rude. But, I’ve never yelled at her like that and it catches her completely off guard.
“I see your hormones are working a little over time.”
After a long while of staring out the window, wondering how I’m going to rebound from having just made yet another ass of myself, Dr. Maria breaks the silence.
“At risk of you biting my head off again, I have to just say…You’re smarter than this, Chrissy.”
Still staring out the window, I respond in barely a whisper.
“Dr. Maria, if this is Leo’s and I go to him now and tell him I kept this from him for six months and why I kept it from him, can you imagine his reaction?”
“He’ll be pissed, and he has every right to be. But hunny, if it is his, think about the possibilities.”
“There are no possibilities. He’s with someone new.”
“I don’t care if he has twelve wives. The man deserves to know!”
Jesus, who’s the hormonal one now?
My voice, still barely a whisper, confesses, “Taddeo said it would ruin everything for him.”
“Now you’re taking advice from a guy who doesn’t like you? Again, hunny, c’mon, you’re smarter than this.”
“I know I’m a lot smarter than this. But going to him now almost feels like I’m hunting for chaos. I’m so tired of chaos, Dr. Maria.”
She can tell I’m lost. Her voice softens.
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Chrissy, but right now you’re living smack dab in the middle of chaos. I promise you, nothing will be calm in your life until you confirm who the father is.”
“In my heart of hearts, I know it’s Leo’s.”
“Then you know what my advice is.”
Finally becoming part of a back-up singing group myself, Dr. Maria and I simultaneously recite her famous words.
“Follow your heart, hunny, it’ll take you where you need to go.”
As I stand to gather my belongings to leave her office, I turn to confess my real fear.
“Knowing hasn’t been my problem for a while now. It was replaced by telling about four weeks ago.”
“Just dial his number. When you hear his voice, you’ll know what to say.”
With not enough time to get anything done at home or at work until I have to pick up Kendall from school, I make a pit stop at the Lafayette reservoir to wait out the clock and beat myself up for what could’ve been. I park and guardedly walk to the bench where I found Leo sitting…five years ago. Just like that day, all I can hear is the crunch of the rocks under my shoes as I approach it. But, unlike that day, the bench is empty. There are no strong hands waiting for me, no green eyes to pierce right through me.
Like I used to so often do, I sit and watch the packs of modern day Francesca’s circle the trail and like I did a few years ago, I eavesdrop on their depressing conversations. They still hate their husbands, they still resent their kids. They still hate the job that they’re forced to have to afford their mediocre lifestyle or they hate the fact that they had to give up the job they loved to raise their children. They still look pissed and tired and they still continue to bitch and moan about the great lives they used to have. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t fit into any of the pathetic packs because I don’t even have a husband of my own to bitch and moan about. I guess I’m going to have to start my own pathetic pack. It’ll be made up of single moms who never even came close to getting what they wanted in life because they continually sabotaged their happiness. With that thought, my head drops into my hands and I lose it.
After a few minutes, or maybe twenty, of hard core sobbing, I lift my head to find that I’m not alone.
“How long have you been sitting here?”
“Long enough. Did you get it all out?”
“Is Leo waiting for me at home?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then I didn’t get it all out.”
“You’re ruining this very special time in your life, you know. A time that you might not ever get to have again.”
Suddenly feeling really stupid because of all that she lost and her inability to get it back at this stage of her life, I shake my head in disgust.
“I don’t wanna feel this way, Barbara. I thought I had moved mountains in my life so that I wouldn’t have to.”
“I know you did.”
“It took every ounce of courage I had to correct the mistakes of my past to be with Leo.”
“I know it did.”
“Then why didn’t it work out?”
“How do you know it didn’t? No one’s dead, right?”
Honestly, I do not know how this woman survived the loss of her husband and child. I gently place my hand on her knee to try and draw her strength.
“I’m sorry, Barbara. You must think I’m truly…” Thinking about the new pack I’m going to become the leader of, “…pathetic.”
“Not at all. What’s going on with you is very sad. But, I just don’t think it has to be that way.” Pulling my chin up with her index finger so that I’m looking into her eyes, “Things can still work out the way you want them to.”
“I could ruin his life…”
“Or you can make it better than he ever thought possible.”
“That’s a pretty wide range of possibilities.”
“At least both of them will result in some kind of resolution.” Pointing at the pack of bitching Francesca’s walking by, “At least you won’t be stuck in limbo-land like them. Take it from me, limbo-land will suck your life away. Make a choice to do something Chrissy, but don’t do nothing. No good will come from it.”
The difference between doing something and doing nothing is everything. It’s what Kelly gave me credit for showing her during my divorce, and it’s why she made those videos for Kendall.
“You can’t get the past six months back…but you can change for the better what the next six will look like. All you have to do is pick up the phone and call him.”
“What about L?”
“L?”
“The girl he’s with.”
“Ahhhhh. Well, he might choose her, and if he does we’ll all be here for you. But Chrissy, he deserves to be the one to make the choice. Take it from someone who didn’t have the choice when it came to losing her family…stop this nonsense and give him the option to choose a life that’s best for him.”
Standing to hug Barbara and thank her for the tough love, I ask her how she knew I was at the reservoir.
“I didn’t. I’m in one of the packs of the older Francesca’s. You know, the ones who seem pretty content with life…or they’re glad it’s almost over. We meet here every other day to make fun of all the young girls who take life way too seriously.”
“Girls like me?”
“Pretty much.”
Both laughing a little now, she takes my hand and asks, “Are you ready to make the call?”
“Yes.”