Mommy
March, 2003
I fainted at hearing the news that I was back at square one with my nightmare, not knowing who the hell knocked me up, and came to just as Slutty Co-worker was putting the key I had given her months ago in the door. Apparently, I successfully dialed her cell phone just before hitting the ground. Luckily, she was close by at the studio and drove straight over out of concern for not hearing my voice on the other end of the line. Not needing to be convinced by her, I instantly agreed to a trip to the hospital to get checked out while my Lamaze class lesbian lover/other mother of my illegitimate child, spent the night with Kendall who fortunately slept through the whole ordeal.
After an anxiety-riddled five hours of getting poked and prodded and being asked a thousand times if I wanted to call my husband, the evening ended with me finally dozing off to the healthy sound of my baby’s heartbeat over the monitor.
“I know it’s not what you wanted.”
“It’s just so damn frustrating! We always ask for ranch dressing, but they bring us this blue cheese crap every single time!”
Looking around for the waiter, I’m surprised to see that Chili’s is completely empty. It’s just Kelly and me.
“I’m talking about the baby.”
“Oh, Lord…here you go again with that.”
“Look down, you big dummy.”
It’s like all of a sudden I’m magically seven months pregnant.
“Whoa, where’d that come from?”
“That’s what everyone wants to know.”
“Can you tell me?”
“I could, but that would put an end to all of the fun I’m having.”
For once I don’t deliver the humor back to her. I’m scared.
“Is everything gonna be okay, Kelly?”
“Your baby is fine…beautiful actually. Has the most stunning eyes and brilliant smile I’ve ever seen.”
Cynically speaking, “Thanks for narrowing down where it came from, Kel.”
All of a sudden, my voice of reason becomes quietly reflective.
“Speaking of beautiful…I should go now.”
“No, please don’t. This is the best talk we’ve had in a long time.”
“No, no. She comes first. She needs you.”
“Who needs me?”
“Ki-Ki…Wake up Ki-Ki.”
Squeezing my hand tightly, her sweet voice whispers worriedly.
“Mommy…wake up. Can you hear me?”
I open my eyes to find Kendall and Slutty Co-worker standing by my side. Instinctively, I pull my daughter onto the hospital bed and hug her with all of my might, telling her over and over again how much I love her, that our family is healthy, and I’m sorry if I scared her. Initially, the news that Kurt delivered to me sent me into a shit-storm of panic, but falling asleep to my baby’s heartbeat and now feeling Kendall’s as I embrace her, I’m experiencing the kind of calm I’ve been searching so long for. And, I’m determined to hang onto it.
After being discharged from the hospital, the three of us return home, where I promptly put a movie on for Kendall, make a fresh pot of tea, and tell Slutty Co-worker exactly what Kurt told me.
“Hunny, after what you just told me, I think I’m gonna need something stronger than tea.” Pointing at my gut, “It’s anyone’s guess what the f*ck you’ve got going on in there!”
“Shhhhh with the swearing! Kendall’s in the other room!”
When I left the hospital, I promised myself I’d hold it together. I didn’t want to do anything else to upset “whatever I’ve got going on” in my belly, or Kendall. But as I’m pouring my friend a scotch and myself a cup of tea, I can’t hold back my tears.
“It’s official. I’ve become the woman I never wanted to be.”
Lovingly placing her arms around me, “Francesca?”
“Yep.”
“But you’re not married to Kurt anymore.”
“If this is his, it almost makes things worse that I’m not married to him. It won’t be like how it is with Kendall. I’ll have to share custody of this child. He’ll have a say in everything. Worse, I won’t have a say in everything. This kid will be on a dirt bike by the time it’s three-years-old and there won’t be a damn thing I can do about it, because fifty percent of the time I won’t even be around.”
“And now you know why unhappily married folks stay together…for the damn kids.”
“And I knew that. It’s why I was so proud of myself to have left the marriage before I dragged kids into the picture. For a while it even felt like I could be the poster-girl for how to deal with broken dreams and still live a fantastic life. But now?”
“Chrissy, you’re not a failure.”
“Right. I’m so much worse than that.”
After slamming her scotch in one gulp, she reaches for the bottle and asks, “So, what’s the plan, doll? What are we gonna do about this?”
“Well, I explained my mortifying situation to the doctor last night, and he recommended a paternity test right after the baby is born.”
“Why not now?”
“Kurt’s not back yet.”
“You can call someone else, you know.”
“See how calm I am right now?”
“Yes, and it’s kinda freaking me out.”
“Well, I’m trying to keep it this way. There’s no need to call Leo, ruin what he’s got going on, and invite a whole lot of chaos into my life if I don’t have to.”
“Why do you think Kurt told you this news now?”
“I’ve been racking my brain over the same question. The only thing I can think is that Megan told him how much I’ve been agonizing about this and she asked him to put me out of my misery. I’m sure the truth shocked her as much as it shocked me.”
“This is just crazy! I don’t think anyone saw this coming.”
Thinking of Kelly, I whisper as I walk to my bedroom, “Wrong. Someone saw it coming.”