Welcome To My World
March, 2003
Apparitions of Leo will always linger. I want them to leave me alone, but it’s like they’re literally growing inside of me, and like the bountiful garden in my backyard, they get more abundant every day. Fortunately, I’m able to get through my days with limited images of Leo and his new girlfriend because they’re jam-packed with activities at Kendall’s school, doctors’ appointments, the yoga studios and Lamaze classes where Slutty Co-worker is animatedly standing in as my lesbian lover. My nights though…they’re God awful. In the beginning, I tried to flick on The Family Feud, but unlike the distraction he so kindly provided during my divorce days, Richard Dawson did little to stop Leo’s new life and his new success from flashing through my mind. Most of my nights end with me in some kind of Glenn Close type of scenario where I sit in darkness in my new rocking chair. With each sway, I cruelly envision Leo having his way with that girl. And then I fantasize about her dying a slow and painful death.
It was four weeks ago that I came to my own absolute conclusion that the baby is Leo’s. I even let out a little derisive chuckle every now and then that I ever thought it wasn’t. Drunk or not, I’d always be true to him. And, Kurt…well, he’s just not the kind of guy to bang a drunk chick. I let my mind get the best of me ever since I woke up in Kurt’s bed and it’s managed to ruin the most special experience of my life…and it opened the door for a new one to enter Leo’s. Absolute conclusion or not, I’m not so sure it’s fair to break that door down and ruin whatever he’s got going on now.
Megan and Kurt left yesterday for mission “whatever,” and I’m truly a single mom for the next thirty days. For the first time since our heated conversation in his driveway on September eleventh, Kurt made contact with me last night in the form of an email. It simply said he didn’t have a formal will, but in the event that something should happen to him, everything he owns goes to Kendall. I got it last night and two things surprised me: One, he actually planned for the future, and two, he didn’t mention anything about my pregnancy. Shockingly, his lack of interest about the most important thing to EVER happen to me caused me no annoyance. It only further substantiated my absolute conclusion that the baby belongs to Leo.
Plucking some zucchini from my green oasis, I smile and can’t wait to show Kendall when she gets home from school. For once, I’ll have her all to myself on a weekend and I can hardly wait. She’s the most important person in my life now and as sick and twisted as it may seem, I can’t imagine her not being my daughter. We have our routines, like cookies and milk after school, tending to the garden well into dusk and casting spells with her magic wand right before bed time. We’re also learning how to cook together and how to navigate through a library, with her being the more experienced one at both. Sometimes I think Kelly’s rolling over in her grave watching it all happen, but I’m quickly comforted knowing all of those experiences are exactly why she left Kendall to me. I think she knew I needed them just as much as her daughter.
I bailed on the cemetery last month because Kendall and I had more important stuff to do, so I didn’t get a chance to talk to Nicole and Courtney about all of the conclusions I’ve come to. But surprisingly their emails further substantiate everything I’ve been thinking. Both of them admitted Kurt still hasn’t brought me up once and they’ve since recanted their prior assumptions that he’s the father. In fact, they think he’s even seeing someone new. I know I’ll have to talk to Kurt again one day. I mean, something will eventually happen with Kendall, or the gang, that will necessitate a verbal exchange. But until then, I’m kind of enjoying the break.
With every day and every kick in my belly that passes, I become less worried about Leo hating me for keeping the pregnancy from him and why I did, and more concerned about my child having a relationship with his or her father. I’ve become more truly, madly, deeply about what’s growing inside of me than my own love life, and I feel like I’m able to deal with the fallout from the nightmare I’ve created with grace. And I also feel like even though Leo has a new special experience in his life, I think he’d consider mine more special, and he’d want to be a part of it.
Placing the freshly-picked zucchini in the basket that holds the other seventy-five pounds of vegetables I’ve picked over the last couple of days, I think…there’s only one person who can substantiate my assumptions.
Ringing, ringing, ringing and then…
“Hello?”
“It’s Chrissy.”
Just an exhale.
“How are you, Taddeo?”
“Hangin’ in there.”
“Don’t you wanna know how I’m doing?”
“Things finally got good around here, so no…not really.”
“Does that mean Leo still lives with you?”
“Yeah…for now.”
F*cker.
“Look, I know about her, so don’t think you can hurt me with that, okay?”
Nothing but silence.
“Listen…Remember that night a long time ago when we ran into each other at the Red Devil Lounge?”
“Yeah?”
“And I told you there was more to my life than I had told Leo and I wasn’t sure if he could handle the truth…”
“What the f*ck is the point of this phone call, Chrissy?”
“There’s something going on in my life now that I think he should know about, but I’m not sure if he can handle it.”
“Look, I hate to be a dick, but you guys are kinda over, so whatever you’ve got going on in your life really isn’t his problem anymore.”
“I’m pregnant.”
I could’ve given birth in the amount of time it took for him to react.
“How pregnant?”
“About six months.”
Doing the math in his head, he quickly calculates my visit to New York was exactly that long ago and exhales, “Oh, shit.”
“Is that what you think he’ll say?”
“Jesus Christ, Chrissy, the guy’s finally happy.”
“And it’s not my intention to change that.”
“Then what is your intention?”
“I wanna know if you think I should tell him.”
“Your timing sucks, you know that? He’s moving in with L…”
“DON’T SAY HER NAME! I DON’T WANNA KNOW HER F*ckING NAME!”
“Okay, okay, okay…I’m sorry. Jesus, hormonal much?”
“Hormonal A LOT, Taddeo, so take it easy on me.”
Realizing I’m a lot more fragile than I was the last time he saw me, which was pretty freaking fragile, he takes it down a notch.
“Fine. It’s just that…dammit, Chrissy, he’s getting really serious with this girl and this is gonna…this is gonna…”
“This is gonna what?”
“Ruin everything.”
I hang my head in defeat. That’s it then. I have the answers I was looking for when I set out to make this phone call. They’re not the answers I wanted, but they’re answers.
“I guess that’s all I needed to know.”
“Wait! So you’re not gonna tell him about this?”
“And be the one to ruin his life? No thanks. I love him too much to do that.”
“But, now I know too! F*ck, I’ve never kept a secret from him in my whole life!”
“Well I guess now I’m not the only one with more baggage than a 747, am I? Welcome to my world, Taddeo.”
And then I hung up.
My next phone call is to the only person in the world who can help me make sense of my decision, and two hours later, I’m on her couch.