Far, Far Away
April, 2003
It’s been nearly a month since that phone call from Kurt and it has now settled in that I cheated on Leo. I didn’t believe it could ever happen. I didn’t believe I could be that stupid. Jesus, given what I know now, he’s better off without me. Forget a 747, my baggage can’t even fit into a freightliner, and there’s no room for it in his good life.
It was a blessing that Megan left for Nepal almost immediately after I found out about ‘L’. I probably would’ve tortured her for more information every single day and that wouldn’t have been good for anyone…especially me. No matter the outcome of the paternity test, I can never be with Leo knowing what I did to him. Our tainted love is…forever tainted. There’s no wondering…no hoping…no scheming or even any yearning for him to return knowing what I did to him. The chapter of my life with Leo in it is closed forever and I’m somehow miserably calm about it. There’s something painfully gratifying about getting over an addiction that I’ve had for so many years. No matter how attractive, chiseled, adoring, good in bed, and successful that addiction was.
I’m still far, far away from knowing some essential truths in my life, but knowing that I can rule out so many what-ifs has been very good for my little misfit family. For the last thirty days…and for that matter, for the rest of my life, my focus is all about them. Welcome home, Francesca.
Kendall is excitedly awaiting the arrival of who she continues to insist is her new brother. I can’t get her to drop the idea of naming the baby Leo, but I still have two months left to crack her. She calls me Mommy one hundred percent of the time now and I hear it about a hundred times a day! I think she’s making up for lost time, which is just fine with me. She’s grown so much in the last year and a half. Her brown hair is as long as her back and her legs are twice that, and I marvel at the number of strangers who stop to stare at her beauty. She’s got the most mild-mannered temperament; I can probably count on one hand how many times she’s thrown a temper tantrum in the last year. I don’t have enough hands to do the same for myself. She continues to miss her daddy every day, but the tears have since transformed into laughter. Her parents would be so proud of the young lady she’s blossoming into, and I continue to try my best not to screw her up. So far, so good. Francesca may have been guilty of a lot of wrongdoings, but not one of them is being a bad mother.
Last weekend, Courtney and Nicole threw me a surprise baby shower at the cemetery and that’s when I broke the latest news to them.
“Ho-ly crap.”
“Holy shit is more like it!”
“Yep, it’s my best Chrissygan to date, don’t you guys think?”
I’m trying to make light of the shit-show I’ve created for myself, but my best friends see right through it.
“You can’t possibly be okay with this, can you?”
“Do I have a choice, Nicole?”
“Well, no, but I just thought I’d ask.”
Things aren’t adding up for Courtney though, and things ALWAYS have to add up for her.
“None of this makes sense, though. When Nicole told him you were pregnant, sure, he looked surprised, but after that he didn’t say a thing about it.”
“Court’s right. I mean, the Kurt we all know has been a tad emotionally detached over the years, but about something like this? I don’t think so.”
“I don’t know what you guys want me to say. None of it makes sense to me either.”
Courtney’s not ready to drop it.
“And I thought he was seeing someone new.”
“Yeah, I don’t think he’d do that without…” Nicole then waves her hand in front of my belly, “…cleaning up this mess.”
Horrified, I struggle to my feet.
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO? Five months ago you were all, ‘the reality of the situation is this is Kurt’s baby!’ Now, you’re like, ‘there’s no way in hell it can be!’ Just pick a f*cking side and stick with it because I can’t take it anymore!”
Reaching her hand out for me to sit back down, Courtney says, “It’s not his, Chrissy. There’s no way. It just doesn’t add up.”
With hope I was sure was all but dead, my eyes plead with hers. “But, Courtney…he said it’s his. Why would he say that?”
“I have no idea.”
Shaking her head, Nicole is in agreement, “I don’t know, either. But what I do know is, if it’s not his, it’s Leo’s, and that’s what you wanted, right?”
“I don’t know what I want anymore. But, it wouldn’t matter if I did. Leo’s with ‘L’ now and apparently he’s happy and successful and…”
“Who’s ‘L’?”
“It’s the first letter of his stupid new girlfriend’s name.”
“Ahhhhh, their names start with the same letter, that’s kinda cute.”
After Courtney punches Nicole in the arm for kicking me when I’m down, I quietly gather my belongings and set off to leave the cemetery. As I’m walking down the path to my car, my childhood friends stop me with news I was totally not prepared to hear.
“Are you mad at us?”
“I’m mad at the world Courtney.”
“Then I guess there’s no better time like the present to drop this on you. Ready, Nic?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be. Brace yourself because she’s gonna blow.”
Wondering how much more I can possibly take, “What’s going on, guys?”
Courtney’s first to blurt out, “I took a job in Zimbabwe. Guss and I leave next month. Your turn, Nicole.”
Nicole then fires off, “And I quit my job in the ER. We’re moving to Arizona so I can finally go after that teaching thing. It’s much cheaper to live there.”
I think my water just broke.
“Okay, one…I don’t even know where the hell Zimbabwe is! Is it in the South bay, like off of Highway seventeen or something? And, what the f*ck, Nicole? Arizona? Driving to your house was gonna be hard enough with two kids in the car, now you expect me to put them on a plane?”
I know I said I wasn’t going to swear out loud anymore, but desperate times call for desperate language.
“Zimbabwe’s in Africa, Chrissy. I got a grant to reconstruct a hospital there. I can really make a difference. It’s like the biggest thing to ever happen to me.”
My problem-solving touchstone is moving to…Africa?
“And our house sold two weeks ago. We leave for Arizona at the end of the month. I finally have a chance to start over.”
My sarcasm is going to the desert?
WHERE’S MY GLUE? MY TAPE? PACKAGE IS BREAKING! PACKAGE IS BREAKING!
After pointing at my belly with my mouth gaping wide open for like an entire five minutes, I unleash the cougar that Nicole so sarcastically labeled me almost two years ago.
“AND I’D CALL THIS IS THE BIGGEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME! I’M THE ONE STARTING OVER! I’M THE ONE WHO NEEDS HELP! ARE YOU TWO SERIOUSLY LEAVING ME…NOW?”
Wrapping her doctor arms around me, Courtney acknowledges what I so badly didn’t want to hear.
“Yes, we’re leaving you now.”
Nicole follows up with a hug herself. “Chrissy, it’s time for us to go after a little bit of what you’ve got.”
Frantically waving my arms in the air to signify that I have absolutely nothing, “What are you talking about? What the hell have I got?”
“You got off the hamster wheel a long time ago. All we want is to do the same. You can understand that, right?”
“But, you two are the only ones I know who have kids!” Pointing at my stomach, “Who’s gonna help me with this if you guys are gone?”
Smiling at me like I might even be dumber than I think I am, Courtney reminds me of something important.
“Chrissy, you haven’t called us once since you got Kendall and asked for our advice.”
And then Nicole, “Yeah, and if you had, you just would’ve done the opposite of whatever we told you to do.” Slapping Courtney in the shoulder, “Which probably would’ve been a good thing, eh?”
Scrambling to say anything to keep the remaining members of the A-BOB’s together, I plead, “But you two are my…family.”
Now forming a group hug around me, back-up singers are once again in full effect in my presence when they say in unison, “And we always will be.”
Courtney whispers in my ear, “Nothing changes between us, other than a few more miles to travel to see each other. Got it, girl?”
Wrong. This changes everything.
I go nowhere high
Go nowhere warm
Until I see your smile and feel your calm
I crave for you boy…
You're like a parachute descending from the sky
I'm sure you're on your way
Yes I'm sure you're on the road
(Nowhere Warm, Kate Havnevik)