Group Love
September, 2001
“What’s it called again?”
“The Hitachi Magic Wand. It’s also a body massager. I love all of that dual purpose stuff! You really get your money’s worth!”
“Where do I buy one?”
“No worries, hunny! I have a few lying around.”
“Gross! I’m not gonna use one of your second-hand vibrators!”
“No, no, no sweetie! I always have a few on hand for last minute hostess gifts!”
After shaking off the shock of that information, I wave at my old friend to continue. “Just tell me how I’m supposed to use the damn thing on him.”
Two things raced through my mind when Leo and I left Nicole’s house last night. One, although individual members of the gang mean a lot to me, the need to hang onto the group in its entirety is no longer important. And, two… I need to learn some new sex moves to make Leo forgive the fact that I tried to make him a member.
Thank goodness Craig was already at Nicole’s house when we got there. He handled the introduction of Leo to Guss and Kyle and was the one to promptly smack Guss in the back of the head after he asked Leo if he could get him a free checking account. The smack and his explanation of the difference between being a bank teller and an investment banker for one of the most prominent boutique investment firms in the world did nothing to curb Guss and Kyle’s stupid questions. It wasn’t until Nicole and Courtney made the two of them go away to start the barbeque that I was able to exhale. Like the good friends they are, they handed us ginormous vodka martinis and in unison, told Leo how happy they were to finally meet him. I was surprised to see Courtney wearing make-up and Nicole without a stain on her clothes. It showed me their effort, and I appreciated it. Leo ended up spending most of his time with Craig and a case of beer at a picnic table. Guss and Kyle kept to themselves watching ESPN on the outdoor TV, turning around every so often to size up Leo. And I spent my time running between those two groups and my girlfriends who, after finally getting a look at my boyfriend, were very interested in my sex life. Eventually, after caving into Nicole’s curiosity about whether or not Leo and I have used whip cream on each other, it was time to call it a night. Their husbands grunted something from their lawn chairs as we waved good-bye and my friends kissed us at the door, with Nicole’s kiss to Leo lasting a little longer than necessary. Craig walked us to our car and being the stand up guy he is, apologized for his friend’s idiocy. Leo, being the sharp guy he is, reminded him that he used to work in a rock yard so he’s used to it. The two guys shook hands and off we went. Seeing as though Leo didn’t blow up the house, the evening went off without a hitch. But, I don’t have the desire to ever do it again and neither does he. When he turned to me in the car and said, “Satisfied?” I looked at him and said, “Yes, and now I’ll do whatever I can to satisfy you to make you forget I ever dragged you into this.” Hence the sex lesson from Slutty Co-worker that I’m having in my office right now.
“Okay, so tell him to lie down on his stomach. Naked of course! Then, start using the wand on his back and shoulders, working your way down to between his legs. Don’t worry, he’ll naturally spread them apart when you apply pressure to his inner thighs.”
“Easy so far. What’s next?”
“Well, you just put the wand right up there and start to wiggle it around!”
“Are you f*cking crazy? You want me to stick that entire thing up my boyfriends butt?”
Slowly and methodically placing her non-fat latte on the table, my dear old friend tediously looks at me and says, “Yeah, hunny…I want you to shove a vibrator up Leo’s ass. OF COURSE NOT! You edge it up to the area between his balls and his a*shole!”
Now it’s my turn to methodically put my latte down. “There’s an entire area right there?”
“You’re kidding, right? How do you not know this?”
Not wanting to rehash all of the reasons why my sex life was so boring for most of my life, I anxiously wave my hands at her to continue.
“Alrighty, I see that we’re gonna have to have a little anatomy and physiology refresher course here.” Sketching out what looks like a disfigured penis/rectal area, Slutty Co-worker uses her pencil as a pointer and taps at the area in question. “Some people refer to that space as taint, although it’s more of an abyss to me. You can really get lost in there! Sooooo much fun to be had!”
Just realizing I’ve been massively short-changing Leo in the lovemaking department, I anxiously wave her on again.
Getting excited as she sits up, she claps her hands and continues to coach me through sexually violating Leo. “Okay…no matter how badly he wants to turn over and f*ck the shit out of you, don’t let him! If you want this to be about him, then make it about him and keep on gently wiggling that thing around. Don’t start getting all selfish.”
“I won’t! And then what?”
“Only after he begs, and I mean…BEGS, let him turn over, but then quickly straddle his upper thighs so he can’t move. Then grab his dick…” She leans toward me and whispers, “Tell me though, hunny, what does it look like?”
I whisper back, “What does what look like?”
“His dick.”
Not whispering anymore, “NO WAY!”
“Come on! I bet it’s big!”
“You get nothing, just keep coaching, lady.”
Dejected she slumps back in her chair.
“Fine. I’ll tell you this much…it’s in direct proportion to the rest of his body. Satisfied?”
Clapping her hands, “I am…and I bet you are too, hunny!”
“Can we please continue now?”
Sitting back up to the edge of her seat, “So you gently grab his dick and run the wand, on low speed of course because we don’t wanna make the damn thing fall off, run it up and down his shaft…”
Spitting my latte all over the desk, “I’m sorry, did you just say shaft?”
Megan walks by my office door laughing, “Yep, she said shaft alright.”
“Oh my God, I don’t think I’ve heard that word since sixth grade health class!”
“Well, Jesus hunny, with all of these elementary questions I thought that’s what this was!”
After composing ourselves, class resumed with everything I ever needed to know about blow jobs (yes, it was altoids I was supposed to use), balls in the mouth (who knew you could fit both of them) and…gulp…anal sex. I told my dear friend that I’d gladly oblige on everything but the anal. Tain’t no f*cking way! Just as she was telling me I’d be making a huge mistake because that’s probably the thing he wants more than anything in the world, Megan peeks her head back in again.
“Hate to break things up just as they’re about to get interesting, but Chrissy, you have a visitor. Singing the words as she walks away, “And you’re not gonna liiiiiiiike it…”
Slutty Co-worker and I round the corner to the front lobby at the same time, and we’re both shocked to see Kurt standing there. She whispers, “What, no flowers this time?” before I shove her away.
“Kurt, what are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you. Can we go in your office?”
Once there, his eyes zoom right in on the picture of me and Leo cuddling in a booth at The Sweetwater Saloon. Part of me wants to slam it down on my desk to hide it. The other part of me feels like that would be such a betrayal to Leo. As uncomfortable as the moment is, I leave it upright.
“Sweetwater, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“So, does he think you went there for the first time with him?”
“Kurt, please don’t. It’s too uncomfortable. Can we just talk about why you’re here?”
After staring at Leo’s face in the picture for a lot longer than necessary, he turns to me. “It’s Craig. I’m worried about him.”
“I saw him a few days ago, he looked fine.”
“He’s not. He’s been missing meetings at work, calling in sick all of the time. I need to get him out of town, maybe take him camping. Can you take Kendall for about a week? His parents can’t handle her that long.”
“Worse than that, they’re so damn old they could die in a week!”
“Really? Do you always have to be so crass?”
Smiling at his displeasure, “Told you that you wouldn’t like authentic Chrissy.”
Ignoring my comment, he continues, “Well, can you?”
“Of course. I’ll do anything to help Craig out. But, like I said, he seemed in okay spirits the last few times I saw him. He even made dinner for…”
Oh crap.
“Chrissy, relax. Craig can break bread with whoever he wants to and I’ll still be his best friend.”
“So you don’t care at all that Leo hung out with Craig and Kendall? Not one single thing about that bothers you?”
“Why would it?”
Why does that make me so angry? Why do I even want him to care? God damn it, why am I making this conversation all about me?
“You know what? You’re right. Why would it? You have Kayla and I have Leo and we should all be able to be friends with whoever we want, especially Craig and Kendall because they need all of the support they can get right now. In fact, to show you how untruly, unmadly, undeeply I can be about this, I’ll even invite Kayla to go to lunch with me and Kendall when I’m watching her.”
Of course that’s a total lie. But hey….my no lie vow only applies to Leo!
Cracking a brilliant half-smile, he chuckles and says, “Sounds great. Just don’t kill her.”
“Kurt! I’ve watched Kendall for long periods of time before and she came out just fine!”
“I’m not talking about Kendall.”
And with that, he taps the photo of Leo and me just hard enough so it knocks over and he walks out of my office.
Come on Love, draw your swords
Shoot me to the ground
You are mine, I am yours
Let’s not f*ck around…
(Draw Your Swords, Angus & Julia Stone)