Destructive Distraction
September, 2001
My cottage is a place that’s completely separate from the life I shared with Kurt. In it, there’s no trace of the stupid appeasing girl I used to be and there’s no room for her return. I am who I was always meant to be, a successful-business-woman-slutty-catholic-school-girl-costume-wearing-overly-adored-porn-princess, and that’s why I’m happiest when I’m in it.
Kurt’s only showed up to my cottage twice in the past, and those two times felt like I was being pulled back to something that didn’t feel right. In spite of how much I used to love him, each time he came here and said, “Pack your bags, you’re coming home,” it felt like a death sentence. Even though he has no legitimate reason to say that to me anymore, I don’t like him in this space, and I knew that’s exactly where he was when I heard the knock on the door. This cottage belongs to Leo too now, and the knock felt like a betrayal the minute I heard it. Opening the door I pledge to myself to honor the decision I made the other night to keep my ex-husband out of my life.
“Kurt, you can’t be here.”
But dammit, despite the pledge, it still hurts to hurt him.
“I’m just checking on you, Chrissy. That’s all.”
“Thanks for the concern, but I’m fine…really.”
“Let me come in for a minute.”
“No way. I don’t think I have to tell you how mad that would make Leo.”
“What? He can sleep with my wife, but I can’t drop by to see if she’s doing okay after he left her to go to New York?”
Whoa! That’s the first time he’s ever verbally acknowledged my affair. I want a plane to hit me right now.
“Okay, first…he didn’t leave me to go to New York. He went to find his best friend. HUGE DIFFERENCE! And second, I’m not your wife anymore, Kurt. It’s not your job to check on me. You really need to go.”
When I try to close the door, he puts his foot in the way to stop it.
“Look, I didn’t come here to upset you. I’m sorry.”
He’s sorry? Didn’t he listen to his own words? I slept with someone else when we were married! Good Lord, I don’t even know how he can even be standing here right now!
“Kurt, you can’t be here. It’s just not a good idea.”
“Fine. Then let’s go get some coffee.”
Is he freaking kidding me with this?
“C’mon, Chrissy, you look like shit. You need to get out of here for a few hours.”
“Of course I can use a break, but not with you! Kurt, we’re not friends! We decided we couldn’t be when we got a divorce, remember?”
“Jesus, I’m not here to get in the way of what you’ve got going on. I just wanted to see if you were okay. Has anyone else tried to do that?”
Come to think of it, no. My friends suck.
“Thanks a lot, Kurt. First you tell me I look like shit and then you remind me I have no friends. Good job cheering me up.”
Laughing a little, he puts his foot in the door when I try to close it again.
“Actually…first I reminded you that you cheated on me.”
In addition to Kurt’s honesty, I always appreciated his sense of humor. After releasing a small smile that I tried really hard to contain, “Kurt, you really do need to go. This doesn’t feel right.”
“I’m not taking no for an answer. C’mon, one of your biggest complaints about me was that I never fought hard enough for you. I’m tired of proving you right.”
“The fight’s over, remember?”
“That one is, but not this one. C’mon let’s just grab some coffee, get you outta here for a few hours.”
I have been in the cottage for four days straight…A coffee break might not hurt.
“C’mon…I can tell you want to.”
“Okay, but just ONE cup.”
Three cups later, Kurt was up to speed on what I think happened to Taddeo in New York and what really happened between Leo and Taddeo at my birthday party in August, and I was up to speed on his surprising break up with Kayla. Apparently, not long after her parents came back, she was expecting an engagement ring and a house like the one Kurt and I used to own in Danville. When he tried to gently set her straight, she freaked out and broke up with him.
“She wanted what you and I had, but I told her I already had it once and blew it. Why would I go down that road again?”
“Are you crazy? You go down that road to find what was missing between the two of us. Maybe you didn’t find it with Kayla, but you will with someone else. I guess the good news is, until you find her, you still have the Porsche, right?”
I’m trying to lighten up the conversation, but he’s not having it, and what he says in response shocks me.
“Nothing was missing between the two of us. I just blew it.”
Okay, now I’m really freaking out. This is not the guy I knew in high school and certainly not the guy I married. It would be a massive understatement to say something’s different about him.
“Kurt, I’m just so confused. When we split up, it really seemed like you were falling for her. And then, at your “house” in Orinda you talked about her being some kind of convenient distraction. What’s going on with you?”
Abruptly placing his coffee cup down on the table, “What was I supposed to say, Chrissy? I already told you a million times before the divorce was final that I thought you were making a terrible mistake. I already asked you for another chance…told you I can give you everything that guy can and more. Once the divorce was final, it felt better to just tell you I had moved on.”
Following suit with my coffee cup, I bark back, “Again…I’m confused! Why would you have even wanted another chance? Look what I did to you!”
Staring intently at me, he says the unexpected. “Chrissy, look what I did to you.”
Shaking my head in shame, I mutter, “Believe me, it didn’t warrant my behavior.”
“It must’ve or you never would’ve done it.”
In an attempt to set him straight, I unload things that I thought for sure I’d keep a secret my entire life.
“Kurt, I snuck out of our house to meet with Leo in the middle of the night.”
“I know.”
“I left that surprise party you threw for me to go and find him.”
“I know.”
“Dammit! I fell in love with him!”
“And at one time you fell in love with me, and that just doesn’t go away.”
“You know what? Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’ll always love you, Kurt. Maybe I’ll always be concerned for your happiness. Maybe I’ll always be disgusted with myself for all of the lies and betrayal. Is that what you wanna hear? Will that make you happy?”
“Actually…it-”
“Well don’t let it. Because just because I love you, it doesn’t mean you’re right for me.”
“Is that you or Dr. Maria talking?”
“Sorry to disappoint you, but no one put the thoughts in my head and no one put the words in my mouth.”
“I don’t get it, though. How can you divorce someone that you might always love?”
This conversation has gone wayyyyyyyy over his untruly, unmadly, undeeply head and it’s beginning to break my truly, madly, deeply heart.
“Funny, because that’s the very thing I had to come to terms with in order to finally leave you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You wanna know what happens to unrequited love, Kurt? Well, just like Dr. Maria tried to explain to you the one and only time you went to see her, it turns into resentment and once that happens, the relationship is over. No matter who’s in love with who or how much. In my heart, I knew I’d always crave more than you could give to me, and it just seemed like a love life not worth living. That’s how I could divorce someone I might always love.”
“But you never even tried to explain it to me like that. It’s like you never even gave me a chance to fix the damage.”
“I’ll give you that. By the time I realized what was wrong with us, it was too late. I already met Leo, and it was like all of these missing pieces in my life magically appeared right along with him. Our marriage didn’t stand a chance.”
“Ouch.”
“I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just trying to give you the truth you deserve. I wish you knew how hard it was for me to do that.”
All of a sudden it feels like a heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. But I feel like I deserve some truths too…I wonder if hearing them will add the weight right back.
“As long as we’re being honest with each other, maybe you can fill in some blanks for me.”
“Like what?”
“How come you let me move out of our house so easily? No wait, how come you helped me move out of our house? And, you never called after I moved out…never even went to one single therapy session alone like I asked you to. Seems to me like there were a few opportunities to try and fix some of the damage.”
Cracking a tiny half smile, “I feel so stupid. But, I honestly thought I was giving you your space. I thought I was giving you what you wanted and it would make you happy and then you’d come home.”
Offering him no hint of enjoyment back, “I couldn’t risk losing another twelve years of my life by thinking your intentions were anything other than simply not caring. I had already given enough of myself to you. Even if Leo and I didn’t work out, I knew I’d be happier alone.”
Looking down at my watch, I’m reminded that I’m not alone and that Leo and I did work out and that I really have to get back to the cottage to see if he called. I abruptly scoot my chair out from under me.
“Thanks for the coffee, but I really have to get going.”
Now standing himself, “Wait…There’s something else I need to talk to you about. Stuff that I thought I was gonna have the opportunity to make up to you, but everything just fell apart.”
“What are you talking about?”
“This is hard for me, Chrissy. Remember, I’m the guy who thought letting you move out was a good idea.”
“Talking isn’t supposed to be torture, Kurt.”
“I’m learning that. Look…that thing that happened in high school…I have to make it right.”
Why? Why? Whyyyyyyy did he have to go there and WHY NOW?
“MAKE IT RIGHT?”
Realizing that people are now staring, I lower my voice back down.
“How the hell are you gonna make it right, Kurt? I had an… an…”
It’s still so hard to say that vile word.
“I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I acted that way. I was young and stupid. I didn’t handle it the way I should’ve.”
“Stop! Stop! Stop! I’m not doing this with you! You had your chance to make that situation and so many others right. In fact, you had over a decade of chance! You ran out of time, Kurt. When are you gonna realize that?”
“I realize it already, I just thought that-”
“You realize NOTHING, and I’m starting to think you never will! Three years ago I took you to Dr. Maria so that you could figure yourself out and get shit like this out of your system. But you chose not to say one helpful thing or share one compassionate thought and because of that I got on with my life.” Reaching for the receipt on the table I scribble Dr. Maria’s phone number. “Here! Try again! Believe me…she’s the only one who wants to listen to what you have to say.”
Having coffee with Kurt has been a distraction from the shitty things happening in New York, but it’s been a destructive distraction. Bad, bad things happen when there’s exposure to him, and this is the absolute last time I plan on playing with fire. He says nothing as I grab my things and storm out of the coffee shop with more weight on my shoulders than I had when I walked into it.
There weren’t any messages when I got back to the cottage, but there were five missed calls. Leo picks up on the first ring of my first attempt to reach him.
“Where were you? I called like a hundred times!”
“Ran out to grab some coffee.”
Technically…just another omission.
“Is everything okay? I didn’t expect to hear from you so fast.”
After a longer than comfortable pause, Leo’s voice cracks as he says, “I didn’t expect to find him so fast.” And then he breaks down.