Scramble
September, 2001
I don’t think the morning of September 11th was any different for me than it was for anyone else. From the moment I realized what was happening, everything began moving in slow motion. Awaiting Megan’s arrival, I called my family and my best friends to make sure they were alright. And of course, I continued to call Leo’s office line. After twenty unsuccessful attempts to reach him, I finally left a message.
“Leo! I know where your head is right now, and I need to make sure you’re okay. I love you so much. Please hurry and get home to me.”
I knew Leo’s head was with Taddeo’s…in the rubble at the bottom of The World Trade Center. Of course, I couldn’t substantiate Taddeo’s exact whereabouts, but deep down I knew where he was. And when Leo came barreling through the cottage door two hours later, that’s where he told me he was going.
“Now? But there aren’t any flights, and no one knows when there will be!”
Rushing past me to pack a bag he mumbles, “Then I’ll be the first one in line when they start selling tickets.”
Borderline begging, I grab his arm, “Leo, please! What if it’s not safe?” Scrambling to say whatever’s necessary to delay his effort to leave, “Wait! Have you tried his cell phone?”
Startling me and Megan, he slams his fist into the wall and screams, “Damn it, Chrissy! There is no f*cking cell reception where Taddeo is! Don’t you get it? He was on the top of that building! He’s dead!”
I’m torn between being scared for his potential loss or the one I might have to endure if he boards a plane.
“You don’t know that, Leo! Please, just call his parents, they might know something!”
Now hanging his head low and speaking in barely a whisper, “I already did. I borrowed someone’s cell phone when we evacuated our building.”
“What’d they say?”
Looking up at me, scared and brokenhearted, he continues to whisper, “They told me to please go and find their son. Which is exactly what I’m gonna do. I have to find their son…my best friend…who…” His words were muffled, but I knew exactly what he said because I was thinking the same thing, “…who I beat the shit out of last month.”
Grabbing his shoulders to try and talk some sense into him, “Please, just wait a few days.” But, he says nothing. I turn his face to look at mine so he can see how serious I am. “Leo…I’m scared. I don’t want you to go there right now. What if…what if it happens again?”
“Chrissy, do you realize I was working at the top of those same buildings just a few months ago?”
I do. The thought of him jumping out of a window, blowing up or burning alive has entered my mind about a hundred times this morning. The second the images hit my head, I boot them out and then silently thank my angels in heaven for getting him out of harm’s way. My head cannot go there. I’ll fall apart if it does.
“Chrissy…” Tilting my chin up with his finger, “Now it’s your turn to look at me.”
I don’t want to because I’ll be forced to give him my blessing. I can’t say no to him. Ever since the moment I met him, I’ve not been able to. The nanosecond my eyes confront his, I know I’ve lost this battle.
“If the tables were turned, he’d be looking for me.”
“I know.”
“I have to go.”
“I know.”
And then he walked to the bedroom to pack his bag. The bedroom that just fifteen hours ago belonged to the happiest place on earth.
Thirty minutes later, after a long hug and kiss, a very overwhelmed Leo told me he loved me and then abruptly left for the airport.
Megan and I called Slutty Co-worker to make sure she was okay, but surprisingly The Ho-Bag beat us to it. She was with him at a bar watching the news with all of the other single people who didn’t want to be alone and had nowhere else to go. But unlike all of the single people surrounding them, they held hands and squeezed them tightly together whenever the reporter mentioned potential fatalities. When I finally got through to Barbara it was evident she was very afraid. I told her I’d come and get her, but she said she’d rather hide in her home in Berkeley and pretend nothing bad happened.
Megan stayed at the cottage with me for four days. I was too scared to be alone. I was scared for Leo who had been sleeping on the floor at Oakland Airport waiting to catch a flight to New York. I was scared for Taddeo, who still had not been heard from. And, I was scared because thanks to a few Muslim extremists, life as I knew it would never be the same again.
After saying goodbye to Megan this morning, I closed the cottage door and thought how crazy it was that just four nights ago I finally found the kind of contentment with Leo that I was sure nothing could disturb. Lying in his arms, I imagined the children we would have. I thought of all things perfect on my old Life List and started crafting a new one in my mind, knowing this time around I’d achieve every single line item. But, when I turned on the TV the next morning, I was reminded of how quickly the good things in life can vanish. (Actually, I’m surprised and saddened I needed that reminder given the fact that Kelly died just seven months ago.) The morning of September eleventh reminded me of how little I’m actually able to control. I was reminded that the only thing I have control over is my happiness, and as I watched the horrible images of the airplanes crashing into the twin towers over and over again on TV that day, and for the next three, I sure as hell couldn’t find any. And, even though Leo called me five minutes ago from a cell phone he purchased inside of JFK to tell me he landed safely, I’m still struggling to find any happiness. Everything is completely upside down, and I have a sick feeling it’s going to stay that way for a very long time.
Fifteen minutes after telling Leo I loved him and begging him to be safe, my phone rang again. Thinking it was him and scared that another plane was falling from the sky, I lunged at it.
“Baby, are you okay?”
“Sorry to disappoint, but it’s not baby.”
I already knew Kurt was okay following the 9/11 attacks. When I called Courtney the day it all happened, she told me he was on the way to her house to pick up Guss who was going camping with him and Craig. September eleventh was the day I was supposed to start watching Kendall. Obviously, that never happened.
“I don’t have a lot of time right now, Kurt.”
Despite having a semi-decent conversation with him at his “house” in May and at my yoga studio the other day, I kept both of them from Leo and that didn’t feel decent at all. I decided the other night during my triple X performance with Leo that, barring anything to do with Craig or Kendall, I would not have contact with Kurt anymore. That decision starts now.
“Just wanted to make sure you were okay, Chrissy, that’s all.”
“You don’t have to do that anymore.”
It’s not like he ever did, but that shit ship has long since sailed, and I’m not about to bring it back to the harbor and remind him.
“Chrissy, I know you’re alone, and I know why and unless you’ve changed more than I thought, you’re probably a little emotional.”
Before I can ask how he knows I’m alone, he interjects with “Don’t worry. I’m not frantically trying to figure out your personal life. Courtney told me “baby” has a friend in the towers and he went to go find him. It’s pretty intense stuff and I just wanted to make sure you were all right. Is that a problem?”
“His name is Leo and why wouldn’t I be all right? I’m…not…the one…buried at the bottom of those buildings!” And then I lose it like the Chrissy he’s known his entire adult life.
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” And then the line went dead.
I'm forgetting the way you moved
The way I felt
I'm forgetting the time we spent
All by ourselves
Cause it's too late to try to change your mind
And there's nothing else I can do
I'm forgetting you
(Forgetting You, Nathan Angelo)