Gangness
September, 2001
“Holy crap…What’s the occasion?”
Leo walked in from work at precisely the right time and apparently I did too. A second earlier and I wouldn’t have been ready. I showered, got pretty, and quickly changed into my bikini with barely enough time to refresh my lip gloss and make him a double scotch on the rocks before he walked through the cottage door.
“You look amazing in that thing. Get over here.”
Grabbing my waist and already untying my bikini top, I wiggle away and hand him the drink.
“Here, I made this for you!”
After taking a sip and nearly choking to death, he puts the drink down and makes a joke about me taking the movie Boiler Room way too seriously because not all investment bankers chug hard liquor. Then he attempts to untie my top again.
“Hold on there, big guy. I actually have to get dressed.”
Chasing me into the bedroom he yells out, “Unless we’re about to catch a plane to Hawaii, nothing’s gonna stop me from taking that thing off of you!” As he catches me and throws me on the bed, I blurt out, “Would a car ride to Freakmont do the trick?” The mood in the room changes faster than a cat can lick its own ass. Climbing off and standing over me, Leo’s all of a sudden, all business.
“What are you talking about?”
“My friend Nicole invited us to her house for a pool party.” And then, as cute as I can muster, “Doesn’t that sound fun?”
“I assume it won’t just be the three of us swimming…who else is involved with this?”
“Uh…All of them.”
“All of who, Chrissy?”
“The gang…minus Kelly and Numb Nuts, of course.”
Naturally, he didn’t find that a bit funny.
“And you found out about this…when?”
“Does it matter? Your reaction would’ve been then same if I told you now or a week ago.” Sliding off of the bed and peppering his neck with kisses, “See what a good girlfriend I am to have spared you the aggravation?”
“Yeah, how thoughtful.”
“C’mon Leo, it won’t be that bad. Please…they’re my friends.” Still kissing his neck, “Can’t you just throw me a bone? I mean, I never complain when I have to hang out with The Ho-Bag.”
“Okay, one…I was trying to throw you a bone two minutes ago and you rejected it. And two, give me a break! It’s not like The Ho-Bag is best friends with one of my ex-girlfriends. But, even if he were, it wouldn’t matter because it’s not like I ever had one for more than five minutes.” Now heading back to the suddenly appealing scotch, “Chrissy, I told you before, I could give a shit about meeting those people.”
Pulling the waistband of his pants to turn him around and look him in the eyes, “But I do. Please?”
I won. Twenty minutes later we’re sitting in traffic on the way to Freakmont and listening to the overly annoying German heavy metal band, Rammstein. It’s angry and violent and normally it would turn me on, but right now it makes me wonder what the hell Leo’s preparing for in his mind. When I reach out to hold his hand that’s resting on the center console, his focus doesn’t budge from the road ahead.
“It’ll be fun. Please try not to worry.”
“You think I’m worried? Chrissy, my mood right now has nothing to do with being worried. I’m annoyed. I wanted to be alone with you tonight, I wanted to…” And then his voice trails off.
“You wanted to what?”
“Forget it.”
“Please tell me.”
“It’s not important anymore. But one thing’s for sure, I didn’t want to have to meet…” and then he takes his hands off of the wheel and sarcastically does those mid-air quote thingies, "‘The gang’ tonight.” Turning the music down, “You don’t get it, do you?”
All of a sudden I feel like a fool. “No. I get it.”
“Then, why? Why is it so important to you that I fit in with these people?”
“I don’t know, Leo. I guess there are things I still need to hold on to. Not because of Kur… Sorry. Numb nuts. It’s because of Kelly.”
“But you have Craig, you have Kendall. And you have your friendships with Nicole and Courtney. They’ll keep her memories alive for you. Why do you need the whole package?”
Snapping my head at him, “What did you say?”
“The whole package. What? Is something wrong?”
I think back to the one and only conversation I had with Kelly on her front porch when she ripped my head off for always needing her, Courtney, Nicole and Kurt as some kind of package. She chastised me for relying on them too much to feel good about myself and she ridiculed my need to always mend the package when it was broken…even when none of them asked me to. But she reminded me that I didn’t function like that when Leo was in my life, because he was all I needed. What was so amazing about the ass-ripping she gave me was that when I thought for sure Leo wasn’t going to be in my life after he told me to take a hike in New York, I was hell bent on proving her wrong by not running back to my package to feel better. I dug deep and became my own package by way of my yoga studios. Kelly was right about everything she said that day, and she changed my life.
“Why are you suddenly so quiet, Chrissy?”
And Leo’s also right. I have Craig and Kendall to keep Kelly’s memory alive, and I still have my friendships with Courtney and Nicole that he thinks are fabulous. I’m all of a sudden sick to my stomach because this pool party wasn’t the gang’s idea, I made them do it. Here I am again, with my glue and tape, trying to fix something that nobody asked me to fix. And, I think I know why. This has everything to do with feeling vulnerable with Leo. I want the gang to like him, and I want him to like the gang so he’s tied to more than just me. He might think twice about leaving me one day…if it’s more than just me he’d be leaving.
Let’s be honest about the subject of break-ups and divorce for a minute. If a woman is sick of her husband because maybe he makes her feel like shit, maybe he’s lazy, maybe he sucks in bed, maybe she was never in love with him in the first place…whatever the reason, that woman will leave her husband just so she can be alone! She’ll leave to get some f*cking peace and quiet, or leave to go after some good sex or leave to find true love! A woman is likely to dismantle whatever is standing in her way of happiness. Case in point? Me. But, a man? A man is not going to risk dismantling the gang just to leave his wife. Unlike women, men are lazy and dismantling/disappointing the gang just because a wife treats him like shit or sucks in bed is just too much work for them. (Unless, of course, he’s got a new wife on tap. Men only leave for new wife/girlfriend p-ssy. Period. End of story.)
But Leo’s actions and words are so over the top convincing that I’m it for him. The way he makes me feel is proof that I don’t need outside influences to keep us together. So why the hell do I need the gang as some kind of safety net to keep him around? If anything, he should be the more vulnerable one in this relationship! I’m the one with the track record of leaving marriages! God, I’m such an idiot! I need to channel Kelly’s words of wisdom and f*ck the gang! In fact, the gang is probably the only reason Leo might want to dump me!
“Turn the car around.”
“What?”
“I don’t wanna go, Leo. This was a stupid idea, and I’m sorry I brought you this far. Let’s just go home.”
Turning the music loud again, “Nooooooo way, baby. You told them we’re going, so we’re going. I’m not about to make them think I’m intimidated by their….” And here he goes with the quote thingy’s again, “gangness.”
Nice going, you vulnerable retard. Leo’s acting like he’s about to encounter the Mexican Mafia and your friends are only having this pool party to appease your needy ass. For some insecure lame reason, you thought the gathering was going to make your relationship with your boyfriend more solid? If anything, it’s bound to do the opposite. Those morons waiting for us at Nicole’s house are…a bunch of morons! Jesus, Leo’s not going to stay with me for fear of losing “the gang.” If anything, he’s going to associate me with their idiocy and bolt faster. Nervously staring out of the car window at the dilapidated spray-painted trains along Oakland’s thunderdome-esque stretch of Highway 880, I think…It’s so pretty compared to the utter mess I’m about to step foot into.