Besties
June, 2001
“I’m telling you, Kel, it was super weird. It was like the first time he laid his feelings on the line, and to be honest, it didn’t seem that hard for him. Maybe he did learn a lot from the divorce, or…and it pains me to say this, maybe Kayla is good for him.”
Courtney and Nicole couldn’t come to the cemetery today, which is fine with me because I’m still pissed at them. Besides that, it gives me a chance to talk out loud to Kelly about all that stuff that happened at Kurt’s house last month. Even so, it’s super creepy being here alone.
Placing a beer on Kelly’s tombstone like always, I sigh.
“I wouldn’t be alone if you didn’t have to leave.”
The sound of a lawnmower humming in the distance brings the creepy factor down a notch and makes me feel slightly better. Still, I sigh.
I really wish I had Kelly to talk to about Kurt’s weirdness at his “house” last month. She’d have something sensible to say that would put everything into perspective. I also wish she was around for me to bitch about Court and Nic. She’d totally be in my camp and NEVER hang out with Kayla. She was very team oriented that way. But, mostly I wish Kelly were here so I could tell her in person how good things are going with Leo. Instead, I have to settle for telling her bones which are buried six feet below me.
“He keeps bringing up house hunting, and I saw on his calendar that Taddeo’s coming for a visit in August. The two aren’t exactly correlated, but combined with the fact that he’s been more pensive than usual makes me think something’s up.”
I had my first pretend conversation with Kelly last month when my doctor friends were late. I was rattling off a bunch of questions, and it felt so unproductive not to get any answers, so I just started answering them as if I were her. Peculiarly, I heard the answers in Kelly’s voice- like she was right there with me. It was the voice of reason that’s been missing from my life since the day she died. Lord knows there’s no reason coming out of Courtney and Nicole! Since their husbands turned into little bitches, the two of them SUCK at talking about Leo. For example, if I just said all of that stuff to Miss Problem Solver Courtney, she’d deduce that Leo simply wanted a more comfortable living situation, that he misses his best friend, and that work is probably stressful, hence the being pensive non-sense. Miss Sarcastic Nicole would simply say Leo’s probably contemplating breaking up with his cougar girlfriend. Then, because I’m Miss Emotional Chrissy, I’d show her the cougar I am by ripping her frizzy-ass hair out.
I’m sorry, but the whole calling an older woman who dates a younger man a cougar is nauseating to me. Think about it. A cougar is a big, wild cat animal that hunts, prowls, and kills its prey. That’s what I’m being compared with? How come older men who date younger women get a nice sweet name, like sugar daddy? All I’m saying is, it’s not right!
“He’s probably gonna ask you to marry him.”
Yay! There’s my girl!
Looking down at my pewter Banana Republic ring, “I’ve been thinking the same thing too, Kel.”
“Doesn’t it make you happy?”
“It makes me worried.”
“That isn’t what I expected you to say.”
It wasn’t what I expected to feel, but that’s the great thing about having these “conversations” with Kelly. I say the first thing that comes to my mind and it’s usually pretty authentic. Dr. Maria would be so proud.
“What are you worried about?”
“Failing…again.”
“Like, that you’ll cheat on him?”
“No way, that would NEVER happen. He’s it for me.”
“Then, what?”
“When Leo showed up on my porch in March right after you died, we agreed to let the vulnerability that existed when we first met drive the relationship. We agreed to be afraid together, and I thought that would be enough to…”
“To what?”
“Make me forget that he’s six years behind me.”
“Oh, for the love of Pete!”
“No, listen! What if I’m not what he wants when he’s my age? What if he has as much growing to do in his life that I had to do in mine? I don’t know, seems like I’m forced to be the more vulnerable one in the relationship, and it scares me, Kel.”
“Jesus H. Christ! Are you really doing this?”
“I’m really doing this.”
“Anyone can grow and change at any time, dumbass! You don’t have to be six years younger than someone to screw up a relationship. You’re living proof of that! Chrissy, if you’re a match, you’re a match. Age has nothing to do with it.”
I should know all of this. But still, I’m scared he’s going to leave me and then I’ll be divorced…AGAIN! I don’t think I can handle that kind of failure twice in my lifetime.
“Let’s just drop it. If it happens, it happens, and of course I’ll say yes. But for now, I just wanna keep enjoying what we have…a monogamous relationship without all of the paperwork and public humiliation if it doesn’t work out!”
I go on to tell Kelly about the last few amazing weeks with Leo. I re-cap the trip to Mill Valley, the dreamy weekend at Shell Beach…The Sweetwater Saloon. And, even though she’s not here with me, when I tell her about the sex in the limo, I blush. When I’m done getting her all caught up, I ask her the question that’s been on my mind since last month.
“So, Kel, what’s up with that dream I had the night Leo and I went out for Mexican food? Does it mean anything?”
“Do you want it to mean something?”
“Not if it means I still have feelings for Kurt or if there’s a baby in my near future. There isn’t…right?”
“How the hell do I know what’s in your future?”
God, I miss her. After a loud laugh that makes the lawnmower dude give me a creepy look, I whisper, “But, seriously, Kel…the dream felt so real.” After thinking for a minute, I curiously ask my dead friend, “What do you think dreams really are anyway?”
“Hmmmm, good question. Maybe they’re the release of our deepest secret desires, or maybe they’re the place we go to solve the problems we couldn’t solve when we were awake. Or, I dunno, maybe they’re just a montage of bits and pieces of our day mixed in with the crap we watch on TV. Why? What do you think they are?”
“I have no clue, but I have a weird feeling you’re gonna teach me.”
Packing up the picnic basket, I hear Kelly’s voice say, “Call your best friends. Yes…when it comes to matters of the heart, they’re dumb as stumps, but they love you like a sister and they’re worried about you.”
“Sorry old friend, I’m not backing down on this one.” A few feet down the path, I turn and yell, “They can call me!” And then, “Don’t forget to tell my Grandpa I love him and I hope he’s enjoying this nice long vacation from me!” After getting another weird look from the lawnmower guy, I hop in my car to pick up Kendall. Someone I still can’t bring myself to talk about with Kelly. And I never will, unless she brings her up.
Like most of my afternoons with Kendall, we end up at the mall. After Craig helps me unload the shopping bags, he puts on a cartoon for his daughter and pops open a couple of beers. Like usual, we hunker down on the front porch. The minute Kelly got sick, it became our special spot.
“You know…that closet of Kendall’s is starting to look like a Stride Rite store. You might wanna ease up on the shoe shopping.”
“Hey, you better watch your mouth ol’ pal! It should look like a Norstrom! Besides that, a girl can NEVER have too many pairs of shoes!”
Our laughing then escalates when I recap my encounter with Kayla.
“Oh my God, Chrissy, you’re gonna give that chick a heart attack!”
“Like I told Kurt, it’s just too easy!” After a big swig of beer, “Fun too. But, unless you send me there again to retrieve Kendall’s Puffa-thingy, I can’t think of a reason why I’d ever see her again.”
Knowing me better than I thought he’s quick to say, “Are you kidding? I can’t deny you that kind of entertainment! I’m definitely leaving it there the next time those two make dinner for me and Kendall!”
The sick feeling in my stomach catches me by surprise.
Before I finish saying, “Will Nicole, Courtney and their douche bag husbands be there too?” He’s nodding his head. “Seriously, Craig…what’s up with that?”
“Okay, okay, Kitty…Keep your claws in. Everyone just needs a little more time to adjust to the break up.”
“But why is everyone welcoming her with open arms?”
“Baby steps, Chrissy.”
“More like bullshit steps if you ask me.”
“C’mon, we’ve been one big group for like, fourteen years! I doubt if Guss and Kyle have even changed their underwear five times in that length of time and you want them to all of a sudden meet your lover?”
“My lover? Jesus, what am I, a character in a romance novel?”
“I don’t know what you call that guy!” Thinking really hard and scratching his head, “I got nothin’ else to add to the lover stuff, but…I’d like to meet him though.”
Nearly spitting my beer out, “Are you serious?”
“Absolutely. I mean, even though I trust you with Kendall’s life, I’d be a shitty dad if I didn’t get to know the guy who’s spending so much time with my daughter.”
“That’s understandable.”
“That’s not all.” And then he gets a little somber. “It was my wife’s persistence that brought you and that guy…”
Trying to make him cheery again, I interject with, “You mean…my lover!”
But he stays serious. “Right. It was Kelly that got you and Leo back together. I wanna see what all of the fuss is about. How about a barbeque over here next week?”
“You know what? That sounds like exactly what we need to unite everyone.”
After high-fiving on the plan, I grab Craig’s wrist watch to make sure I’m not running too late. When I look at it, I’m taken back in time.
“Oh my gosh, Craig. That’s the watch Kurt and I gave you for your wedding. I had no idea you still wore it.”
Kurt and I bought Craig and Kelly his and hers matching watches which we had inscribed with, “To our best friends…it’s about time,” on the back. In return, they bought us matching robes for our wedding a year later. They had the word “ball” inscribed on the back of Kurt’s and “chain” on the back of mine. Kurt and I always did buy better gifts for people. Correction. I always bought better gifts for people.
“I never take it off. You know how Kelly was…she liked it when we wore matching gear.”
It suddenly occurs to me that Kelly must’ve been buried with her watch on. Well, I’ll be darned. She did take a piece of me with her.
After leaving a somber Craig alone with his thoughts on the front porch that evening, I made my way home to my love, feeling pangs of guilt the entire drive that mine was alive and I’d be able to wrap my arms around him. The only thought that lifted my spirits was that my old friend genuinely wanted to meet Leo. If Leo can make a good impression with Craig, maybe he can talk those other idiots into accepting him. I know Leo could give a shit if they like him or not, but I’m not ready to let my past die along with Kelly and my marriage. Those meatheads and their dumbass doctor wives are my family. I may act all tough in front of them when it comes to defending my relationship with Leo, but when it comes right down to it, I love them and I need them.