Different
May, 2001
As the gate to the property inches open, I see Kurt sitting in his Porsche on the other side. Our eyes lock and my smile withers away. At once, all of the blasé feelings I had about being here vanish and my past emerges.
The gate causes dust to kick up into the air, and it takes me back to Kurt’s motorcycle accident in December, 1999 and how his body was covered in it. He thought the accident would reunite us, but when I brought him home from the hospital I asked him to let me go. I begged him to believe in the peace, sanity, relief, and safety that wraps around you like a cocoon when you’re with the right person. It took some convincing, but eventually he told me he believed in the kind of love I was talking about and agreed to a divorce so that he could be free to find it. Now, looking at Kayla in my rearview mirror, I don’t see how he’s found all of those things I was talking about. Something’s seriously wrong with this picture.
It’s been almost three months since I saw Kurt at that coffee shop for the camping photo exchange. Like always, his hair is cut super short so as not to interfere with his recreational activities. His arms, it seems no matter what time of the year, are golden brown. His smile is as carefree and bright as it was when I met him fifteen years ago. But his ordinarily lively eyes…just turned noticeably weary. I can tell he just realized that he forgot Craig told him I’d be dropping by to pick up Kendall’s Puffalumpa. The absentmindedness would’ve made me mad when I was married to him, now it just makes me chuckle. Just like I thought the overly casual outfit he wore to Kelly’s funeral was a little endearing, I sort of think the absentmindedness is too…now that I’m not responsible for it anymore. Slowly pulling up to each other’s car, I roll down my window.
“Nice digs, man. Who knew you were such a heavy roller these days.”
“I wish I could take credit for all of it, but it belongs to her parents.”
Aha! I knew it!
Peering into the back of my car he sweetly asks, “Hey there, Kendall! Got your guy back?”
“Puffalumpa’s a guuuuurl, Ku-Ku!”
“Oh, that’s right! How could I have forgotten that?” Nervously looking back at me, “So, how’d it go in there?”
“I almost decapitated her, but she made it through alright.”
“Yeah, Ku-Ku! Ki-Ki squeezed Kayla’s head! It was funny!”
I wish I had a camera to capture the look on his face.
“Dude! We’re kidding…sorta. Don’t worry, it went fine. She was obviously caught off guard, but she triumphed in the end by walking into the house all by herself without falling out of her shoes, grabbing the correct stuffed animal…which by the way must’ve been difficult because I bet she has a lot to choose from on her bed, and then she walked the whooooooole distance to my car without losing her way the entire time! You should be proud, really.”
“Having fun?”
“Kind of. But, c’mon! It’s too easy.”
“She’s actually pretty smart, Chrissy.”
“Smart enough to get into Stanford on her very own?”
Now laughing a little himself, “Not that smart. Both of her parents went there.”
His honestly was always something I appreciated. Looking back toward the house, “So, what’s up with this place, Kurt? Seems kinda fancy for you.”
“Kayla’s folks are gone six months of the year. It was too hard to pass up the accommodations while I figured out my next steps.”
I don’t really want to know, but thanks to Craig, I’m now forced to visualize Kurt’s reality. I’d rather just hear it straight from him that it’s FAN-F*ckING-TASTIC than torture myself with manufactured thoughts. I don’t know why, but I feel an intense need to hear it straight from him that Kayla represents the peace, sanity, relief, and safety that we set each other free to find.
“So, like…is she in your next steps?”
“Would it bother you if she was?”
“Not at all. I was just curious. I mean, it seems serious. You’ve got her buddying up with my best friends and all.”
“Does that bother you?”
“You knew it would. Remember? I’m a truly, madly, deeply kinda gal.”
“About that… Are you ever gonna explain to me what that means exactly?”
I get the sense he’s trying to be charming, but I can tell he really doesn’t know what it means to be a truly, madly, deeply kind of person. But, I’m no dummy. All energy to continue to explain it to him would be wasted. That was a lesson I needed to learn…let’s see…forty seven times!
“Been there. Done that. Failed miserably, Kurt. Don’t worry, though. I’ll manage the expectations of my friendships with Courtney and Nicole directly with them. Go ahead and invite them to allllll the backyard barbecues you want. I can just divorce them too if they don’t see things my way.”
I was trying to be funny but it looks like I hit a nerve because his smile is gone.
“You expect too much from people, Chrissy.”
Mine is gone too now. Glaring directly into his eyes, I profess, “Obviously not enough,” and then I turn to Kendall who’s in hog heaven with her rescued Puffalumpa. “Say bye-bye to Ku-Ku, he has to go babysit now.” Then looking back at Kayla through my rearview mirror, I continue to press Kurt’s buttons and tease with, “Looks like we’re both on duty today, huh?”
“You’re something else, you know that?”
“Like I said, it’s too easy.”
Before my window makes its way to the top, Kurt yells out, “What are your next steps?”
Not wanting to have this conversation in front of Kendall, I put the car in park and tell her I’ll be back in a minute. Then I make my way over to Kurt’s passenger side window, tap on it and wait impatiently while it rolls down.
“Are you wondering about my career or my love life?”
“I already know about your career.”
“And you also know Leo lives with me. There! Looks like you’re all caught up on my next steps.”
“Don’t you think you’re rushing things a little with that guy?”
Laughing like I hadn’t laughed in a very long time, “Wow, Kurt, your hypocrisy has no limits. What do you call your living arrangement here with Boobs? And let’s not forget about your trip to Mexico with her after you made me feel like an irresponsible slut for wanting to go to Mexico with Leo? And here’s a good one, how about sleeping with her in our house? I’ve known Leo a lot longer than you’ve known that girl, so don’t even get me started on the who’s rushing things with who bullshit. You’ll lose the argument and you know it.”
Struggling to say what’s on his mind, he stares at me for a lot longer than I’m comfortable with.
“Jesus, Kurt, if you have something to say, just say it! For once, just speak from your f*cking heart!” And then, in an insightful tone that I don’t think I’ve ever heard, he says, “I call all of those things convenient distractions from the pain of losing the love of my life and watching her move on with who she thinks is the love of her life.”
Okay, I was completely NOT expecting that. The old Chrissy would get a little mushy about what Kurt just said. She’d question the choices she made over the last three years and doubt most of them. She’d worry that maybe she threw away over a decade of her life because she got impatient…or that her expectations were too high. She’d hurt for Kurt…she’d desperately want to help him. But, I’ve learned too much about myself…I’ve become too happy with where I am in my life to let a few seemingly sincere words from Kurt pull me back to a place that wasn’t good for me. Besides all of that crap, I’m in deep, deep, deep love with Leo. Even so, I’m taken aback by this raw side of Kurt that I’ve never seen before.
Clearing my throat, “Did you ever think that maybe you’re where you’re at today because you always have convenient distractions in your life?”
“Look, Chrissy, I’m not trying to start an argument here. I’m just saying it seems really fast for you to be seriously living with a guy.”
“His name is Leo and yes, it’s fast, but it’s real.” Looking back toward the mansion, which all of a sudden does have me a little jealous, I scoff, “Nothing like the convenient distraction you have going on here.”
“F*ck. Maybe you’re right.”
Whooda huh?
Exhaling and running his fingers through his hair, “I really do have to figure my shit out. Kayla’s parents are coming back in a month, and I’m not really sure what she expects.”
Surprise, surprise.
“I don’t think I’m ready to seriously settle down with someone, and she’s gonna be pretty pissed about that. She thinks we should be doing what you’re doing.”
My frustration is now replaced by curiosity.
“I don’t get it, though. When our divorce was final, you told me you were falling in love with her. You made me think she was the one who could give you all of that peace, sanity, relief, and safety we talked about.”
“I said a lot of things when our divorce was final.”
Not wanting to go down this beat up, chaotic, emotionally charged road with him again, I don’t pursue an explanation to that comment.
“Just be honest with her, Kurt. If she’s not the one, let her go. You both deserve to be happy.”
Signifying the end of the conversation, he revs his engine. As I back away, he says, “You look different, Chrissy…in a good way,” and then he drives off in the car of my dreams toward the girl with the rack of my dreams. As I make my way out of the Orinda compound, I think, Kurt sure looks the same, but something about him too is very different.