Shit…heads
May, 2001
“Okayyyyyyy and what are you gonna do the first time you get the stomach flu?”
I remain silent.
“You’re gonna shit your pants is what you’re gonna do!”
Sitting on the picnic blanket on top of Kelly’s grave for the third-month anniversary of her death, I continue to endure a verbal beating from Nicole and Courtney.
“Everyone poops Chrissy! Do I have to let you borrow the book on the subject that I bought for my two-year-old son?”
With beer nearly snorting out of her nose, Nicole chimes in with, “So…like does Leo think he landed the only non-pooping human being on earth?”
Going in for a gulp of my beer, I mumur, “Are you guys done yet?”
“No! It sounds like you’re up to the same old shit, no pun intended…that you were up to with Kurt!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re pretending to be something you’re not.”
“Yeah, Chrissy. Seems like you’re trying to be all perfect.”
“Hey, guys! It’s not like I’m taking up ice hockey or scuba diving for the guy! Is it so wrong that I wanna keep the passion alive in this relationship for as long as possible?”
“Whoa, thought you weren’t afraid of the passion disappearing with this guy!”
“I’m not, Nicole! Jesus, if it makes you guys feel any better, Kurt didn’t think I went number two either.”
“Girl, you need to be studied.”
And then Courtney, “No, more like committed!”
I gulp down the rest of my beer as I trace the outline of Kelly’s name on her tombstone while the two of them try to compose themselves. When they can finally breathe again, I ask the question I’ve would’ve thought the two of them would’ve asked me by now.
“So do you guys wanna meet Leo or what?”
Their quick glances at each other before pointing their heads down to their bottles offers me no assurance that they’re in a hurry.
“What’s the problem?”
“Oh, it’s not us. Trust me, we’re dying to meet the guy who stole you away from Kurt.”
“Let me clarify this for the millionth time, Court! Leo didn’t steal me away from Kurt. I just happen to meet him at the exact moment I realized Kurt was totally wrong for me. Now it’s your turn to clarify…if you want to meet Leo so badly, what’s stopping you?”
I sit in irritated silence as I listen to the two of them stumble through their answer.
“Well, you know how far back we all go…”
“…Yeah, and it’s hard for our husbands to….”
“…You get it right? They just don’t want to lie to Kurt about…you know…”
Now it’s my turn to laugh at my friends.
“So let me get this straight. Your husband’s forbid you from meeting my boyfriend?”
“No way! Kyle doesn’t forbid me from doing anything!”
“Yeah and neither does Guss!”
Sure looks like I hit a couple of doctor nerves. Never one to back down to their over-achieving asses…
“Great. So then you guys have no problem meeting me and Leo for drinks on Friday night, then?”
Their nervous glances scream, HUGE PROBLEM!
“Wow, thanks so much for your support.”
“It’s not like that, Chrissy. You know we support you!”
“Yeah, you just have to try and see things from Kyle and Guss’s perspective. They still want to protect Kurt.”
“He’s a grown man! He doesn’t need their protection. Shit….Kurt barely cared when I left him, why should they?”
“I don’t know, maybe it’s because they’re husbands.”
Hopeful she’ll lend some mature perspective to Nicole’s stupidity, I ask Courtney, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“They sort of think Leo should’ve walked away the minute he found out you were married, like he broke some kind of guy code or something.”
Now I’m the one with beer snorting out of my nose!
“Do they actually think Leo walking away would’ve made a difference in the end result? You know what? Why don’t you refresh their memories and remind them that Leo did walk away, and he stayed away for over a year and half…until Kelly convinced me to beg him to come back!”
Their disgraced faces tell me they already tried this route and it didn’t work.
“So that’s it, then? Kyle and Guss are choosing sides?”
It’s almost comical until a nauseating thought occurs to me and my jaw literally drops to the dirt that’s covering Kelly.
“OH MY GOD! But you know who didn’t leave for a year and a half?”
If shame had a face it would look exactly like the two of theirs.
“Did they meet her?”
Courtney, the tougher of the two, speaks up in their defense. “Guss and Kyle are two of Kurt’s best friends. Of course they met Kayla.”
Searching for some kind of common sense, my heads snaps in the direction of every tombstone within sight. I scramble to my feet and yell like I’ve never yelled before!
“AND YOU TWO ARE SUPPOSED TO SHOW ME YOU’RE MY BEST FRIENDS BY BEING EXCITED ABOUT MEETING THE GUY WHO STOLE MY GOD DAMN MARRIED HEART!”
But their married hearts tell me their hands are tied. I quickly shove my shit in the picnic basket and mumble, “Your husbands can go f*ck themselves,” and then I turn and make my way to my car. But another nauseating thought sucker punches me on the way there, and I instantly run back to confront my fraidy cat friends one more time.
“The two of you have never lied to me before so don’t start now.” They can see it coming, and they hang their heads low when I scornfully ask, “Did you meet her too?”
Their non-response tells me everything I need to know. This time I DON’T mumble.
“On second thought, you can ALL go f*ck yourselves!”