Exposure
June, 2001
Still not a poop out of me since Leo moved in (well, at least not in the cottage anyway) and still not a peep out of Kurt since I ran into him. And that’s just fine and dandy with me. I can’t be exposed to Kurt. Bad, bad things happen when there’s exposure. If Craig leaves the Puffa-thingy at Kurt’s girlfriend’s parents’ house, he’s on his own. I was almost scared the subject would come up in front of Leo when we had dinner with Craig last week because I forgot to tell Craig that Leo has a little bit of an issue with the fact that there is a Kurt. Luckily, Kendall hijacked Leo the second we got there to show him her swing-set in the backyard, and I was able to tell Craig to zip it. The night ended up being better than I could’ve imagined, but it definitely got off to a rocky start in the car on the way there.
The last time I saw Leo that nervous was also the first time. It was when I went to his apartment in February 1998, when I knelt down in front of him and nudged myself between his legs. His entire body trembled when I started to kiss him. Though he didn’t tremble when we pulled into Craig’s driveway, he definitely appeared anxious.
“Baby, relax. It’s Kelly’s husband, Kendall’s father…not Attila the Hun.”
“Yeah and he’s also Numb Nuts’ best friend.”
Ahhh, Numb Nuts. Been a while since he busted that one out.
“I can’t help but think this is some kind of set up.”
Almost cracking up, “Just how much Miami Vice did you watch when you were a kid?”
Doing the quick math in my head, I calculate that I was sixteen when that show was on and Leo was…oh shit. Leo was ten. PURGE THE THOUGHT CHRISSY! PURGE IT! You’re not screwing a ten-year-old. You’re screwing a twenty-six-year-old. Perfectly legal.
“There’s no set up, Leo. Craig genuinely wants to meet my boyfriend and the guy who his daughter has so much fun hunting snipes with. That’s it. Please have an open mind and show him the man I fell in love with.”
And that he did. After a two second territorial eye stare and some butt sniffing, the two men quickly determined they were compatible and there was no dog fight. Other than the one eyebrow raise and neck twitch when Leo walked past a framed picture of Craig, Kyle, Guss, and Kurt on a fishing trip, the evening went off without a hitch. We talked about our jobs, football, the sluggish economy, and the main reason I got on the red eye to find Leo in New York last December. It was the first time Leo heard about just how much time I spent on Craig’s porch when Kelly was sick. I had told Leo about the letters I wrote to Kelly, but he had no idea of just how many there were. Craig talked about the flowers I planted in her garden, the grocery shopping, the babysitting, and the long talks he and I had over beers after Kelly fell asleep. Leo had no idea how much Craig really knew about him and no idea that had it not been for Kelly’s one and only letter back to me in which she wrote, “Go find him Chrissy. I know he’s waiting for you…get moving on those second chances,” I wouldn’t have.
After an amazing dinner that Kelly would’ve been very proud of her husband for preparing on his own, Craig and I watched from the kitchen window as Leo and Kendall were getting in their last snipe hunt of the evening.
“I can see why you like that guy so much, he adores you.”
“Correction. I love him.”
“You should. He’s the real deal. Good with kids too. Look at them out there.”
Craig and I smile at the silliness we’re witnessing in the backyard.
“So, the big thirty-two next week, huh?”
“Yep. Life’s flying by.”
“Flies by faster with kids in the picture. Still want any?”
“Totally. But I don’t plan that stuff out anymore. Bogs me down.”
“You might wanna jump on it. You’re not getting any younger.”
Punching my old friend in the arm “Hey, watch it, buddy!”
“C’mon, I’m serious. He might be young, but he seems ready. F*ckin’ in love with you, that’s for sure!” And then, “Don’t worry about Kyle and Guss, they’ll come around.”
“You know… I’m really torn about that.”
“Why’s that?”
“I don’t think Leo wants them to come around. I think he wants all of the reminders of Kurt to go away.”
“And you?”
“I wish my past didn’t hurt him so much, but without it, I wouldn’t be who I am, and I certainly wouldn’t have been at Buckley’s that night. All of my experiences, mostly the ones with Kurt, put me there.” Thoughtfully inhaling as I watch Leo outside, “I can’t resent them the way he does.”
Laughing like I hadn’t heard in a long time from him, “Sure bet Kurt wishes you stayed home that night!”
“Doubtful! He’s got Boobs and a big free mansion. That guy’s not wishing anything different.”
“If you say so.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Forget it. I don’t wanna stir anything up. I like that guy out there and I can see why you do too.”
“But?”
“But, Kurt knows what he did wrong. He’s learned a lot about himself since the snipe hunter came around.”
Annoyed, I grab a stack of dishes to wash, “I’m not really sure what you’re driving at Craig, but it’s too late. If Kurt didn’t want me to end up looking for love at some dive bar, he should’ve paid more attention to me on the phone that night…and for that matter, for the twelve years before it.” Scrubbing a dish like it’s nobody’s business, I gripe, “If he didn’t wanna go out of business, he should’ve taken care of business.”
“Wow, that’s a good one. You just think of that?”
Breaking from the dirty dish, I glance back out at Leo and whisper, “Can’t take credit.” Then, mauling the dirty dish again, I sneer, “But, why don’t you reiterate it to that old friend of yours so he doesn’t make the same mistake twice.”
“Don’t have to. He already knows.” Looking back outside at Leo and Kendall, “Kurt did a lot wrong, but he’s a good guy.”
Slamming down the dish, I annoyingly snap, “C’mon Craig! Why are you doing this?”
“Let me finish. I was gonna say, and it seems like Leo’s a good guy too. You’re a pretty lucky woman to have found him. Me…I can’t imagine I’ll ever go down that road again.”
Jesus, I’m such a self-important bitch. Here I am, talking about myself AGAIN! I did it with him when Kelly was sick, and I’m doing it again now that she’s gone. What the hell is the matter with me? With soapy hands, I walk up behind him and place one of them on his shoulder.
“You just made me realize how similar I am to those retards, Guss and Kyle.”
“How’s that?”
“I don’t want you to go down that road with anyone new.”
Turning to me with tears in his eyes, “I don’t think anyone has to worry about that, Chrissy. She was my life. No one could ever come close to what she did for me.”
Now, with my own tears, “I just want you to be happy again, Craig. Please tell me what I can do.”
“There’s nothing.” And then he loses it when he says, “Dammit…this is so much worse than I ever imagined. I’m completely lost without her.”
Just then Leo walks in with Kendall and sees me embracing a grieving Craig. Quickly realizing we need another minute, he claims to have seen another snipe and hurriedly escorts her back outside.
Aside from the emotional moment I shared with Craig at the end of the night, our evening was a pleasant success. Craig thought Leo was cool and Leo said, “As much as I don’t wanna like the guy, it’s hard not to.” We left with plans to do it again soon. The drive back to the cottage that night was quiet. The only question Leo had was, “Why didn’t you tell me you spent that much time on Kelly’s porch and about all of those letters?” My honest answer was, “I might seem okay, but it’s still too hard to talk about.” After that we were both silent, deep into our own thoughts.