Whadididoo?
August, 2001
By most accounts, it’s been a relatively uneventful year. Let’s see… In January, Apple announced something called iTunes. They actually think people are going to buy some little contraption called an iPod and give up Tower Records in order to purchase music on their computers. Like , idon’thinkso! Last time I checked, this was Earth! Hmmm, what else has happened this year? Oh, in April, the Netherlands became the first country to allow same sex marriages. To be honest, I’m surprised I didn’t notice a decline in the population of San Fransissyco…the way those people bitch about equal rights for gays-n-shit. I’m serious, there’s like a parade or a nude march every other day. I thought the year was about to take a turn for the interesting last month when Craig invited me and Leo to his house to hang out with the gang, but according to the message Nicole left me obviously lying about having the flu, the evening was canceled. I didn’t call her back, and I visited Kelly’s grave a day earlier than the July anniversary day to avoid my best friends, and I did the same this month. I can’t see Nicole or Courtney until I can make sense out of what’s going on. I’m the one in the friendship who’s supposed to be the liar! I’m the one who’s supposed to be the wimp! I’m the one who’s supposed to be emotionally challenged! It’s like they’re me all of a sudden, and it’s throwing all of the planets out of whack. Craig tried his best to mediate between the two parties, but as of last week, he quit. Said he had too much of his own shit to deal with and for me to let him know when I have my head out of my ass. I assume he told all of them the same thing.
Let’s see, what else is going on…Oh yeah! Last month, Leo told me the London Stock Exchange went public. Whoopdidoo. Let’s see if I can shake things up a bit tonight at my thirty-second birthday party.
I’m in my bedroom getting ready for tonight’s birthday festivities while Leo’s at the airport picking up Taddeo. Why that Italian pain in my ass had to fly in today is a mystery to me. But not wanting to be “that girl” who gets in between her man and his best friend, I grudgingly changed my birthday plans to include the guy. Leo and I were going to have a romantic dinner at the brand spanking new Ritz Carlton in Half Moon Bay, but Taddeo messed all of that up when he switched his flight. And since he can only be in town for one night, he wants to take a trip down memory lane and hit up, drum roll please….The Round Up. It’s the place the guys always go when he comes to town and God forbid Taddeo change his ways. So tonight Leo, Taddeo, The Ho-Bag, Slutty Co-worker, Megan and I are going to that dilapidated piece of shit wanna-be saloon bar. The girls came to the cottage early to pre-funk and calm me down.
“This was the dress I was gonna wear to Half Moon Bay.” As the two of them oooh and ahhh over the black strapless beauty I just pulled out of my closet, I bend down and grab my old cowboy boots and toss them on the floor. “But lucky me, I get to put these shit kickers on instead.”
“You kill me, hunny. If you don’t wanna do this on your birthday, then why are you?”
“Yeah, sounds like something you would’ve done when you were dating Kurt, and we don’t have to remind you how that turned out.”
After slamming my fourth lemon drop, “Guys, there’s a big difference here! I’m not pretending to be happy about this. Leo knows exactly how I feel. This is a situation where I’m simply doing something for him because I love him, not because I want him to love me.”
“But are you gonna be able to keep your annoyance under wraps long enough to survive the evening?”
Slamming shot number five, “Totally.”
Boyyyyyyyyy, was I off on that assertion! I’m not sure if it was because I underestimated my hatred of The Round-Up, the displeasure of giving up my birthday for a guy who clearly still detests me, or the outcome of the three additional shots of random alcohol I consumed once we got to the shit hole, but my annoyance toward Taddeo was as unmistakable as a fart in church. When Leo went to grab more drinks, I pounced on the f*cker.
“So Taddeo, manage to screw up any other birthdays this year or just mine?”
As if they’re back-up singers, Slutty Co-worker and Megan let out a simultaneous, “Ooooooh, shiiiiiiiit.”
Not backing down as usual, Taddeo mutters, “Nope, just yours.”
The back-up singers shake their heads and let out an exasperated and synchronized, “Here we go….”
“When are you gonna give me a break, Taddeo?”
“When I’m done waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’ll screw this up…again”
“Nope! Pretty sure I’ve got everything under control now. I mean, Leo does live with me after all!”
“Chrissy, you have more baggage than a 747. Something from your past will eventually cause a disturbance.”
Oh that’s it! This a*shole has GOT to go! I knock over a glass as I reach across the table to try and grab Taddeo’s arm, but all of a sudden it looks like he has seven of them.
Being the older and allegedly much wiser one in the group, Slutty Co-worker quickly stands and interjects the only way she knows how.
“Taddeo, why don’t you and I go for a walk?”
Knowing exactly what the hell that’ll entail, The Ho-Bag pulls the cigarette from behind his ear, throws it on the table and says “What the f*ck? I wouldn’t have come if I thought you weren’t gonna go home with me!”
Slurring my words while I point at Taddeo, “Now see what you did? Nobody wants you here. Why don’t you just go back to New York where you can blend in with all of the other mean people!”
“Because I don’t want him to.”
The back-up singers are at it again with, “Uh-oooooooh” as we all turn to see Leo fiercely glaring down at us.
“Chrissy, what’s going on?”
Pointing at Taddeo…or somewhere in his direction, “It’s his fault! Make him go away, baby.”
Looking at Taddeo, “Dude, is there a problem?”
“No problem, man. Just defending myself.”
Standing up to show off my slender figure, I sway from side to side as I try to say, “Oh…what Taddeo? Am I so scary?” But, it sounds more like, “Oh..whaddeo? Mysooo scaaaaaaaaary.” And then I plop back down in my chair.
After he says “Actually, yeah,” the Ho-Bag, Slutty and Megan literally freeze when Leo bends over, rests his hands on the table in front of Taddeo and says, “What the f*ck is your problem, man?”
“She’s the problem. How come you can’t see it?”
Dramatically rolling my eyes and causing myself to get so super dizzy, I nearly fall out of my chair, I cry out, “Whadididoo?”
Knowing he’s not gonna be able to get to the bottom of things with my drunk ass in the picture, Leo tells Slutty Co-worker and Megan to take me home and put me to bed. On the way to the door Slutty yells to The Ho-Bag, “I’ll be back to get you in thirty minutes!”