Only Love (The Atonement Series)

CHAPTER Sixteen





I fell asleep wrapped in Drake’s arms but when I awoke in the middle of the night, I found him still awake, the light from his iPad illuminated the room in dim light. He looked to be reading a book but I wasn’t exactly sure what he was doing.

I sat up and allowed the sheet to fall to my waist, exposing my breasts as I leaned toward him and put my head on his chest. “What are you doing up so late? It’s three in the morning.”

“What do you think? After everything you told me, I tried to sleep but all I did was toss and turn so I Googled your father’s hit and run. The crime was absolutely horrific and those two should go to prison for the rest of their lives for what they have done.” He turned on the lights in his room as soon as he turned his iPad off and set it on the bedside table next to my lace thong.

As soon as he dimmed the lights to an ambient setting, his arms slipped around my body and he held me tight. “I would report the crime myself but they would know who told and I can’t afford to get myself into any trouble. I have enough shit floating out there about me already. My parents have already disowned me but if they knew the truth about me, they would probably put a contract out on me. I would be worth much more to them dead than alive. I highly doubt they cancelled my life insurance policies.”

I looked into his eyes while my head rested on his chest. “What do you mean? What could you possibly have done your family would be willing to have you murdered behind?”

“Well, getting involved with the Shevchenko family wasn’t smart, that is for damned sure,” he began. “At the time, I was desperate. I’d just come back to the States and couldn’t find a job to save my life. I was bartending at an upscale club, Escape, it’s on the beach here in La Jolla and very well known. It’s also owned by the Shevchenko family but I didn’t know that at the time.

“It’s how I met Mikayla. She came in with her posse one night—a bunch of rich acquaintances and hanger-ons she went to high school with at the exclusive La Jolla Academy of Excellence. It’s a private school for the mega rich of San Diego County. Anyway, one of her friends saw me while she was ordering drinks and so began the story of our turbulent relationship.

“I eventually found out about her, who she was and why it was dangerous for me to be involved but by that time, I didn’t give a damn. She introduced me to her father and he loved me and my perfect, preppy white-boy look. He told me about the drug runs they had coming from Mexico and how they kept hemorrhaging product because everyone they sent looked like a criminal and how many shipments he was losing. He told me what I would have to do and also informed me I would made twenty percent of the street value of the product I was bringing in for my troubles.

“I was desperate to have financial freedom after being broke for so long so I signed a five year contract without seriously thinking about it. All I knew is I was a few months’ from my twenty-fifth birthday and I was broke as the ten Commandments. The money blinded me and believe me, when I was making runs once a month, it was a lot of money.

“I usually went with a different woman every time. High class escorts from the service the Shevchenko Mafia ran. The women were always classy and we looked like any other high-flying American couple on a day trip of shopping and dining. I was never once stopped and it came to the point where I was the only sure guy Shevchenko had to make the trips to Mexico.”

Drake paused and studied my eyes, his pale aquamarine irises brilliant in the dim light. “After Mikayla and I broke up, the trips didn’t stop and neither did my business dealings with the Shevchenko family. They knew I could be depended upon and because I know so much about them, I would never breathe a word of this to anyone…except you. The only reason why I am telling you this now is because you know how to keep a secret and I took you on one of these runs last month. It was disguised as a date but while we were traveling around and visiting locations, the Mercedes was switched, the plates put back on the vehicle and we drove through border patrol with a car-load full of cocaine and heroin. It was enough to get us both multiple lifetime sentences in prison and that wasn’t fair for me to put you in danger.

“It was purely selfish on my part. I wanted to spend the day with you and I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t cancel the run because Mikayla’s brother would have murdered me himself, personally. So, I took you to all these beautiful sites in Ensenada and I hope you had a great time but it was all a lie. I didn’t take you on a romantic getaway. I had to pick up a shipment because I had no choice, Deirdre.”

“Tell me, is the restaurant a front?” I inquired out loud.

“No. That is the ironic part. Every business the Shevchenko family has their hands in makes legitimate money. The establishments they own are only a front in that they allow the drug money to be laundered but they all turn over a healthy profit. Rouge has been in the black since its second year in operation and that was three years ago. Escape makes the family tons of money. That’s not mentioning all the other ventures the family has.

“I would be in good shape, financially speaking, just with what Kayla and I divide at Rouge but greed is always a factor and nothing exceeds like excess. I can’t get out of bed with the Shevchenko family until my contract ends and that won’t be for another year.”

“I thought you only signed a five year contract,” I began in a dubious tone, “so where did the extra two years come from?”

Drake kissed my brow. “It was tacked on because I ended my personal relationship with Mikayla. Her father had big plans for us including a huge engagement party, and an elaborate wedding. When we broke up, he was devastated and even though it was Mikayla’s fault because she cheated, he still tagged on a couple more years because it meant I would have to be his lackey.

“Believe me, if I wasn’t aware what the Shevchenko family does to people who try to run away, I would have just high-tailed it outta here. I don’t have any ties to this place and no family here but…I didn’t see how I could get out alive without leaving the country. And even that wasn’t a guarantee I would keep my life. They have connections all over Western Europe, Canada, Central and South America, Australia, New Zealand…where would I have gone without having the threat of death hanging over my head and spending the rest of my life constantly looking over my shoulder?”

I shook my head before I stared into his gorgeous eyes once again. “No wonder you thought I was on the run. I understand why you didn’t tell me because you couldn’t possibly gage what my reaction would be but I’m glad I know now.”

“Listen, all I’m doing is bringing the drugs into the country. I’m a goddamn mule for God’s sake. I don’t have anything to do with the distribution or selling of them. Not that I judge people who do drugs but…it’s not for me and I hate I am involved. Right now, I am so deep in the shit, no one can save me. If I was still close to my family, I would beg them to intervene on my behalf but no one is going to do that and…I don’t know. I just feel like the whole situation has spiraled beyond my control. You’re the only person who is keeping me going, Deirdre. Without you, I would be lost.”

I didn’t know what to say to a comment like that because Drake was basically begging me not to break his heart and if I did, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I loved him now and I was in this too deep to back out now. I couldn’t simply walk away from him even if I wanted to and that’s what made the situation all too real for me.

My hands went to his face and I looked deep into his pale aquamarine eyes. “I love you, Drake O’Connell. I don’t know when it happened or why but…I know you’re the one I’m supposed to be with and nothing and no one will come between us, you got it?”

He pulled me toward him and kissed my lips softly with just the right amount of passion that sent me over the edge of want and need. “I love you too, Deirdre. I want you to know that the only thing I fear right now is you and Colin making amends and you deciding your future is with him. I know it is an irrational worry but it could happen. You two have history, secrets, and a past together. We’re nothing to one another but two strangers who happened to meet because I needed some Sugar in the Raw and I happened to notice I had a hot new female neighbor.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, Drew introduced Colin to me.” I breathed deeply and exhaled silently. “Listen, I am not going to lie to you. I still love Colin. My feelings haven’t disappeared overnight just because I changed locations but…a part of me also hates him. He and his brother murdered my father and they are going to get away with it. My sister, Caitlyn, is engaged to Liam, and she has told ne point blank that she is not willing to see her future husband go to prison under any circumstances. She’ll end our relationship if I were to breathe a word about it to any law enforcement official.”

“So, in other words, you’re stuck at your sister’s mercy whether you want to be or not?”

“Yes, I am.”

Drake kissed me again and this time, he added his seductive tongue to the mix and I moaned into his mouth. As we parted, he said in soft voice, “Life never seems fair, does it?”

I shrugged my shoulders as a hand reached underneath the covers to stroke his manhood which was hard as a proverbial rock. “Well, we found each other, didn’t we?”

“Very true,” he whispered seductively in my ear before he flipped me on my back and we spent the rest of the late night and early morning making love to one another.





Later that very day after Drake had ravished my body in every way he knew how, I stopped into the coffee shop. It was my afternoon to work and I quickly made myself an Americano with double the amount of espresso shots. I was exhausted and drained. My vaginal area hurt but it was a good kind of pain because finally, Drake and I had hit our stride as lovers. We knew how to please one another and the sex had been out of this world great.

I smiled to myself as I sat at one of the available tables and opened my Sony VAIO Ultrabook laptop and began to work. I was half way through with looking at the profit margin for the current month when my iPhone began to ring and I picked it up.

“Well, hello, Caitlyn. I didn’t think I would be hearing from you so soon after our last conversation,” I greeted, and tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice but failed miserably.

“I have a good reason to call. Liam and I are holding an engagement party this weekend coming up. I’m sure you received the invitation but I’m a bit perplexed why you haven’t sent us your RSVP yet,” she replied in a cheerful manner.

“Perhaps I simply wasn’t sure whether I was coming or not.”

She smirked on the other end of the phone. “You’re joking, right? A non-stop flight is merely three hours and I am your only sister. How many times do you think I plan to get married?”

“That isn’t why I was skittish about attending, Caitlyn,” I explained in calm voice. “I’m officially in a relationship with Drake and I don’t want there to be any complications between Colin and I. We had a fight yesterday and although I can act civil around him, I am also hoping he can return the favor.”

“Jeez, you really only care about yourself, don’t you? Everything revolves around your comfort and your needs. This is a special day for me and yes, Colin will be here because like me, he only has Liam as his sibling. You two being apart shouldn’t have anything to do with whether or not you decide to come to our engagement party.”

“Maybe I don’t want to be in the same room with two people who should be serving time in prison,” I replied quietly.

My sister sighed in exasperation. “Not this subject again. Listen, you and I have talked about this and my mind is made up. I will not allow anything to happen to either one of them…or you for the matter. In case you don’t realize, you could be considered an accessory to the crime because you’ve known about it for some time but when you were so in love with Colin, you weren’t willing to turn him in. Now that the relationship has soured, you just look like a vindictive bitch out for revenge. I would think your relationship with Drake would be perfectly satisfying and you would no longer be so angry about something that can’t be changed.”

“He knows,” I murmured, “because I told him. He wanted to place an anonymous call but I talked him out of it.”

Caitlyn laughed. “I doubt it, sister dearest. Liam did a background check on your new beau and we found out some very interesting things about him. He’s been a drug mule for a mafia family for quite some time. All we have to do is place an anonymous call to border patrol the next time you two go down to Mexico and both of you will be in more trouble than you ever dreamed. This game can be played both ways you know.

“The simple fact of the matter is your boyfriend knows it too and that is why we can trust him to keep his mouth shut because he isn’t exactly squeaky clean either. Don’t start throwing stones, sister dearest—unfortunately for you, we all reside in glass houses.”

I couldn’t deny this even if I wanted to and I knew Liam was vindictive enough to do it. He had the brain of a calculator and a heart like ice. He didn’t really care about anyone or anything more than he did himself. Even him marrying my sister was a power play. He thought she was attractive and she fit the bill. I highly doubted he was more than in lust with her and her blonde, virginal-looking beauty.

“Listen, I have to go but yes, Drake and I will be at your engagement party this weekend. See you then.”

“Have a good afternoon, honey.”

“Goodbye, Caitlyn.”

I ended the call and slammed the iPhone down on the counter. The screen cracked by the force of my actions and I rolled my eyes. F*ck it, the next phone I was getting was the Samsung Galaxy Note. I liked it better anyway and this was the second time the screen had cracked on me in two months. The first incident had been the night of my miscarriage. I’d be damned if I paid another three hundred dollars for a new screen when I could get a phone I actually liked.

The phone rang again and through the crack, a picture of Drake showed up as Rihanna’s “Diamonds” began to play. That was my ring tone for him. Colin’s had been changed recently to “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson. After last night, I would be changing it again to Adele’s chart topper, “Rolling in the Deep” but only after I traded this piece of shit iPhone for my Samsung.

I answered the call and said, “Hey, honey. How’s work?”

“Okay. Mikayla isn’t here so the day is going by pretty quick. Are you still stopping by after your shift ends at work?”

“Of course because I have a proposition for you and it would be best discussed in person as opposed to over the phone.”

“It’s nothing…serious, is it?” Drake inquired with sudden worry etching its way into his tone.

“No, nothing like that…just a favor I have to ask and I am hoping to God you say yes.”

“All right. I will see you tonight. Until then, take care of yourself and love you.”

“I love you too,” I responded before I ended the call.

“How sweet. It’s so nice to know young love still exists. I remember when those words flowed so easily out of your mouth when they came to me.”

I looked up, startled by a crimson-faced Colin. He didn’t look well. In fact he looked exhausted, as if he hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks. There were dark circles under his brilliant blue eyes and his blond hair was mussed. Although he certainly didn’t seem to be in tip top shape, his black stove pipe jeans fit him perfectly and he wore a Thirty Seconds to Mars tee-shirt and a pair of pristine white converse tennis shoes.

“I didn’t know you would be here. I’m sure I checked the schedule and I’m supposed to be closing tonight,” I replied in a cordial manner before I looked at my computer screen again and clicked it from my Gmail account to my Facebook page.

“You were looking at Thursday’s schedule. Today’s Wednesday. I close up this evening so you are free to leave and go be lap dog to your new significant other at Rouge,” he answered in a cold tone of voice.

This made me look up from my personal feed. “I assume there is a reason why you feel you can talk to me any way you want now that we are no longer together but for God’s sake, Colin, we are both adults here. When do you plan to grow up? We’re no longer in college and the insults seem a bit childish. I never once disrespected your skank and we both knew Cassie wasn’t going to last as long as John stayed in the Army. She’s a college student and it’s obvious she has never been in an exciting love affair. I doubt the poor woman knows where her *oris is or did you help her find it?”

He shrugged though the look in his blue eyes was vacant yet icy. “You’re right of course. She was an awful screw. I had to think about you just to get off each and every time we had sex. Sad, isn’t it?”

“Not really. She’s young and inexperienced. Drake, on the other hand, is a man, and I can assure you I never had to think about you to get off with him,” I snapped.

It was a low blow but he’d hurt me worse than he could ever know and it was the only way I knew to make him feel just a semblance of the pain he’d caused me.

“Well, I have decided to move on to bigger and better things. This young woman in question is exquisite and she knows herself and her body. I don’t think I will have any issues picturing her in the throes of lust to come. And I sure as hell won’t be thinking about you,” he said in an angry voice.

I smiled then. “That’s good. Nice to know you found someone who could put the wind back into those sagging sails of yours. I am genuinely happy for you and it makes all of this much less adversarial.” I removed my hands from my laptop and placed them in my lap before I stared at him with a sincere look on my face. “I don’t want to fight with you, Colin. I still love you but I can’t be with you knowing what you and Liam did.”

He opened his mouth to speak but I held up my right hand. “Wait, let me get this out first. It’s not you—it was never you—it was me. I shouldn’t have forgiven you the way I did because I was in shock and the implications of what you and Liam had done hadn’t set in yet. All this is my fault.”

I breathed deeply as I continued to look into his eyes. “When the doctor told me the baby was Liam’s in so many words, I knew you, Colin. You didn’t want another man’s kid, even if it was your brother’s. If I am being honest with myself, I didn’t want the baby either when I found out it belonged to him but I couldn’t dare have an abortion and I knew if I just left, with the baby and I on our own, I would learn to love him or her. It would be inevitable.

“I didn’t come here thinking I was going to meet some hot guy who would take me and my child in. I came here to escape and to bury myself in work and anything that would make me stop thinking about what I put you through. I couldn’t marry you and not tell you the truth but at the same time, I didn’t want you to think I was running away from you. I was running from the situation.”

Colin grabbed my hands under the table and held them in his own. His palms were soft and warm against my skin. “Then why couldn’t you just tell me, Deirdre? We would have dealt with it and I admit raising my brother’s kid wouldn’t have been a walk in the park but I would have done anything just to have you by my side.”

The tears fell from his eyes and he didn’t bother to wipe them away. “You broke my heart when you left the way you did. I have never loved another as much as I love you and I never will. Every time I think about you in an intimate way with that prick, I have a panic attack so severe, I can barely breathe. This can’t be the end for us and you know it. You can’t do this to us, baby.”

He had me in tears now and I sobbed quietly. “But that is the point, Colin. Maybe if all of this didn’t happen. If you and Liam hadn’t done what you did…if I hadn’t done what I did…it would have been so different. Unfortunately, it did happen and we can’t just pretend it didn’t happen because we both crave a happy ever after. I can’t live a lie and as much as I love you, I can’t be with you. I’m sorry.”

I snatched my hands from his, slammed my laptop closed, threw my iPhone in my handbag and walked out. I thought I heard him call after me but I couldn’t be sure. I just needed to be somewhere else. More than anything, I needed to breathe and around him, I couldn’t.

I cried all the way to the restaurant because all he did was remind me I hadn’t gotten over a damn thing. All I had done was bury my emotions and that made me feel like shit. Drake deserved someone so much better than the broken and walking disaster that was my psyché and my tortured soul.