Only Love (The Atonement Series)

CHAPTER Seventeen





Somehow, I made it to Rouge in one piece and had my car valet parked.

I immediately walked to the bar and ordered a Dirty Martini with an extra olive. I swallowed it before it had rested more than five minutes in front of me and ordered another before Drake walked out of the kitchen and kissed my cheek.

“What’s the matter? Your eyes are red and you look like hell. Let me guess, you ran into Colin and he made you feel a bunch of shit you thought was dead and buried?”

I laughed out loud at this point. “Is it that obvious I’m all f*cked up?”

He tipped my chin upwards and made me face those gorgeous pale greenish blue irises. “It’s not like I have never been there before, Deirdre. It’s happened a time or two to me. Always with the same woman: Gisele. She was the love of my life and I didn’t think I would ever love anyone as much as I loved her but you have proven me wrong because I know it here,” he said as he pointed towards his heart, “that I am feeling it again for the very first time in what seems like decades.

“I don’t expect you to forget about Colin or banish the thoughts of him from your memory because what you two had was special. You had something so rare and yet, it still didn’t work out. No one ever said we end up with the people we are in love with and…I can learn to live with you loving me even if you are in love with another.”

The tears came again and I began to cry at the bar. I was more than happy only a few patrons were there and they were seated too far down to see my hysterics in Technicolor.

“That isn’t fair and I can’t ask you to accept being second best to Colin, Drake. The fact is I can’t be with him. Even if I am in love with him, I can’t live with what he did to me and my family. I can’t stand to look at him thinking how he and his brother ran over my father and then walked away like it meant nothing. Their crime wasn’t victimless. He was my only surviving biological parent. Caitlyn’s mother adopted me but my real mother died before I can remember and it isn’t just about burying what happened. It’s not as simple as just ‘getting over it’ for me. He broke my heart and shattered it in a million pieces.”

Drake embraced me as I continued to sob on his shoulder.

“I wasn’t suggesting you go back to him, sweetie. I want you for myself but what I am saying is we can work through all of this. I am willing to do what ever it takes for us to be together. That is what I am saying. I know you might not have the kind of feelings for me as you had for him and that is okay. We will do what we need to do and we’ll take it one day at a time.”

My tears finally dried up after what seemed like a lifetime of an emotional roller coaster. “I’m sorry. I do want to do what ever it takes for us to be together because you are too good of a man for me just to pass up so I am going to hold on tight and I don’t plan to let go.”

He ran his fingers through my hair before he kissed my lips softly. “Didn’t you say something about a favor and what are you doing here so early?”

“I misread the schedule. It’s Colin’s day to close which means I was supposed to be there this morning when we were making love,” I whispered conspiratorially. “Anyway, my sister’s engagement party is this weekend and I wanted you to come with me for moral support. I will show you around Seattle and we can see Drew and spend some time with him and Aubrey. Please say yes—I am begging you. I am not afraid to tempt you with unlimited blow jobs if necessary.”

Drake laughed out loud before he leaned over and murmured in my ear. “I would rather eat you out for hours at a time then have you giving me unlimited blow jobs. The answer is yes. Mikayla is gone the whole weekend and there are cooks so the food might suffer a bit but that’s not my worry. I want to be there for you in your time of need.”

I wrapped my arms around his waist before I kissed his left cheek. “You are an absolute prince. Thank you for doing this for me.”

He stared deeply into my eyes and the look of love they held for me was more apparent than ever. “What are boyfriends for if not for that specific purpose?”

I kissed him again before I laughed out loud at his joke and moments later, he joined me in my absolute joy of the situation.





Drake and I arrived in Seattle on a rainy Friday afternoon.

Although we had been given an open invitation to stay at my old place with Drew and Aubrey, we opted for a hotel and decided W Seattle would be perfect. Drake had reserved the Extreme Wow Suite which was over one thousand square feet and perfect for the two of us.

It was absolute revelation and after spending three hours on the plane before we reserved a vehicle at the airport—a comfortable and gas guzzling Cadillac Escalade—we drove to our hotel and settled in for the night.

After we took a shower together, he ordered room service while I blow dried my hair and tried to work some of curls through to make it wavier as opposed to just a mop on top of my head. I knew I would end up putting it up for my sister’s engagement party because the pretty scarlet and lipstick-red dress I had chosen for the occasion wouldn’t look as stunning otherwise.

I joined Drake in the sitting room as he opened up a bottle of vintage Dom Perignon and we enjoyed it while wrapped in one another’s arms. We still wore our plush hotel robes and enjoyed the comfortable silence between us as we drank our alcohol.

“Tell me you aren’t nervous about tomorrow?” he inquired in deep-throated sexy voice that drove me wild with desire.

“I’ll tell you all about how I am feeling when you tell me what you ordered from room service?” I answered seductively as I positioned myself on his lap.

His hands held my face and he studied me intently. “I don’t think I like the sound of blackmail especially coming from you, Ms. Bardot.”

“It’s not blackmail if I am willing to do what ever you desire.” I ground my groin against his growing hard-on and he tried not to moan.

Our lips found one another with a natural intensity and we kissed, gently at first before his lips parted and his tongue sought mine out. I responded as his fingers slipped the clip that held the fragile bun from my hair and his hands massaged my scalp as he brought me closer to him.

I surrendered to the pleasure of our caresses and began to move my hips in a highly sexual manner against his erect member though layers of cloth separated us from actually enjoying one another fully.

Drake pulled away and sighed softly. “We have room service coming soon. I just ordered from Trace, it’s a restaurant located in the bar. I got a variety of the sushi they offer including the California Roll, the Northwest Roll and the Crunch Roll. I also ordered us some sake. I hope the Ichishima Junmai Silk Deluxe is a brand you will appreciate.”

“Why shouldn’t I when it is the most expensive brand of sake on the menu?” I murmured in his ear. “How long did room service say they were going to take?”

“Forty-five minutes to an hour…that was a half an hour ago,” he murmured.

“That is plenty of time for a quickie, you know.”

Drake moved me from his lap and sat me next to him. He turned toward me and stared deeply into my eyes. “Seriously, I know you are worried about tomorrow and I won’t let you just fill our conversation with diversions of quickies and endless sex. I want to know what has you so spooked and anxious about what is going to happen tomorrow. If you say it is Colin I will choke you myself.”

I dropped my plastic smile. “No, it isn’t Colin. I am genuinely concerned about my mother and although tomorrow is my sister’s day, I worry about her well being. She is slow to communicate and I’m not stupid. I have heard the stories about some spouses not being able to go on when they lose their life mate or soul mate or what ever you want to call it. I sometimes worry she might commit suicide…the thought is always on my mind.”

Drake caressed my neck. “That’s not all so spill the rest.”

“I worry…about us. I love you and you love me but is love ever just enough? I don’t want to make the same mistake I did with Colin and for God’s sake if you have some kind of colossal secret then just tell me already.”

“I don’t understand what you mean.” Drake’s lips set into a firm line.

I glared at him with a less than pleased look. “Why did your parents disown you? I know your family because I dated Drew for a very long time and his parents always thought we would get married. When I visited his aunt’s place, there is not one picture of you to be found. What happened?”

The doorbell rang and Drake hopped up before he turned toward me with tortured pale aquamarine eyes. “Saved by the bell.”

I laughed though there was little mirth in it and allowed him to fetch our order before he gave the waiter a fifty dollar tip and closed the door.

He set the food in front of us and instead of attacking the sushi, both of us went for the sake. He poured us each a shot and we downed it quickly after a toast.

Drake breathed deeply and slipped his arms around my waist. I settled into his warm embrace as we laid on the sofa with the sushi in front of us on an art-deco glass table.

“My parents’ disowned me because when my sister and I were in university, there was an accident. We were the younger two…we also have an older sister and brother who are several years older than we are. Lauren is married to a senator from Massachusetts and considered quite the progressive because her husband is mixed. He’s half-black and half-white. He was adopted by a very wealthy Anglo-American family and he is going to go very far. Some people say he might be the second coming of Obama—minus the Kenyan lineage.

“Carlton is also married and he is in the House of Representatives for Massachusetts in Washington. His wife is the perfect WASP heiress and they have two perfect children. It was always Katherine and I who were the most rebellious. We were close in age and we both decided to attend different universities than what were acceptable to the family.

“Anyway, we were driving home for Christmas break and she was at the wheel. It was snowing and I told her to slow down. She didn’t and we were in a horrific accident. She died but I survived and my parents blamed me because they said I should have been driving. I suppose in a way, they have a point. I should have been behind the wheel. When the SUV flipped, I would have survived due to my size and we both would have made it out alive.”

I stared at him intently. “Your parents blamed you because your sister didn’t make it?”

“Well, that wasn’t all. They found drugs—cocaine and Xanax—in her system and I was the reason they were there. We’d both sniffed a few lines and popped a Xanax before we set off for our trip. It was my fault and I accepted full responsibility. I can live with them hating me but I would give anything for Kathy to be alive, just like they would.” He breathed deeply again before he kissed my forehead. “No one ever said life was fair and perhaps that is why I can empathize with Colin and Liam, if only a little. Accidents aren’t planned…they just happen but we make them possible due to the lousy f*cking choices we make in life.”

“True but you didn’t run over a pedestrian and try to get away with it,” I murmured back.

“I still feel just as guilty. I should have been driving that vehicle and instead, I allowed Katherine to drive and I will never be able to see my sister again except in photographs, home movies and at the cemetery. The ironic part is my parents didn’t have to disown me—I hate myself enough knowing I let it happen.”

I kissed his lips and squeezed my arms around him tighter. “It wasn’t your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself for something that could have happened to anyone, Drake.”

We sat there for a while as I held him and he sobbed on my shoulders. His eyes eventually ran dry and he looked deep into my eyes. “I suppose this is just about as bad as what Liam and Colin did? No, I didn’t cause the death of a member of your family but one of my own and I guess that might make it infinitely worse.”

I smiled slightly before I kissed his warm lips again. “How can you say that? What happened to your sister was an accident. You could have easily died as well as her and I’m sorry your parents won’t forgive you because the punishment doesn’t fit the crime.”

Drake lifted me up as if I weighed nothing and he walked us into the bedroom of the hotel suite. “You truly believe that? You don’t think they are punishing me for something that was truly my fault? I was the one who had the drugs—the cocaine at least—though my sister had a prescription for Xanax because she suffered from severe anxiety attacks. I should have never offered her any and if I had been wiser with my decisions, she would still be here.”

He laid me on the bed and I looked up at him. “You can continue to blame yourself or accept that it wasn’t meant to be. Your sister lived as long as she was supposed to and she’s gone now. You still have a wonderful family that is still intact. Of course you miss Katherine and wish she was around but my father died over bullshit and my family is not intact any longer. My mother is a depressed mess and I keep waiting for her to snap out of it but to be honest, I don’t think she ever will. She loved my father very much. It would be the same as if I lost you…I’m not exactly sure yours is a death I could easily get over.”

“You’re not just saying that because we are together now? Your feelings might change and perhaps Colin is the one for you and the love of your life—”

I silenced any further talk by kissing him long and hard as I wrapped my arms around his neck and he collapsed on the bed beside me. His tongue entered my mouth and mine swirled with his in a delicious ecstasy that could not be explained. I simply wanted him to make love to me and I threw back my head with abandon as his lips trailed over my chin and down my neck, leaving a trail of unfulfilled passion in its wake.

Drake sat up as he straddled my body and undid the tie around the hotel robe I wore, exposing my naked flesh. My sex was on fire and in need of his touch while my breasts ached with desire and couldn’t wait to feel his hands and mouth on them.

He drank me in, slowly and deliberately as his fingers caressed my nipples and they turned rock hard under his natural and fluid expertise. I moaned out loud as he bent down and slipped the left nipple in his mouth. His tongue swirled around the peak before he bit it lightly and sent an ache through me I had no idea existed.

His touch was perfect as was his mouth when he switched nipples and applied the same direct and intense pleasure to the right nipple. I wanted to see him the way he saw me but when I reached for the tie of his robe, he grabbed both my wrists with one hand and held my arms over my head.

“In due time,” he whispered into my ear.

I laughed out loud and looked into his pale aquamarine eyes that were now heavy with longing and desire for me. “You are such a bad boy. I want you so much and yet you deny me.”

“Only for the time being…now, no more talk.”

Drake kissed his way down my body and my breath came in short bursts. Every part of my body sang when he touched me and caressed me deeply. His touch was perfect, and he excelled with his direction and timing.

As he spread my legs and observed my glistening sex, his fingers teased me. An index finger circled slowly around my * before he took that finger away and sucked my juices off with his eager mouth. I spread my legs wider, wanting him to touch me anywhere below the waist just to ease the fury that had spread like fire through my body. I suddenly had a one track mind and there was nothing more important than him giving me the orgasm of my life.

He plunged two fingers inside me and worked them in and out, caressing my G-spot and my hips gyrated to meet his thrusts. As quickly as I could feel myself nearing a monster orgasm, he withdrew and this time he slipped his fingers out, slick and glistening wet from my juices and slid them into my mouth.

I sucked on his fingers eagerly and his breathing increased and got louder.

“F*ck, that is so hot to see you do that,” he murmured before he bent down and kissed me again. His mouth devoured my own before he suckled on my tongue and pulled away.

Drake crawled between my legs and his tongue teased my * ever so softly, running it up and down the hard nub before he spread me open and tongued the opening of my sex. My head jerked from side to side as my arms gripped the pillow beneath my head.

“Please,” I whispered, “make me come.”

His expression was pure torture as he wore a crooked smile and responded, “Not until I say so.”

Again, his tongue and mouth worked on my aching sex and between his expert fingers and that delicious mouth, I was close to tumbling over into nothingness. An abyss of an orgasm which would leave me listless yet sated for hours. His tongue worked quicker and quicker as my hips gyrated to the motion and once one of his fingers ran up and down my perineum, it was all over.

The orgasm washed over me in waves, beginning at the tip of my nipples and spreading throughout my body like an out-of-control virus. I writhed and moaned underneath his touch and my * became so sensitive, I wanted and needed to close my legs but he held them open and continued his delicious assault against my body.

The intense feelings passed but the orgasm stayed with me, filling me with a genuine feeling of warmth I thought no man would ever arouse in me again outside of Colin. The memory of him made my heart ache though I was in the middle of mind blowing foreplay with Drake but I quickly pushed him from my thoughts and out of my mind.

Drake worked his way up my body and it was only then he allowed me to untie his robe. I discovered his cock was hard, painfully so, and swollen against his stomach in a slightly curved fashion.

He sat astride me and I finally sat up with him before I shed my robe and threw it on the carpeted floor. I maneuvered myself from underneath him and got on my knees before I shed his robe and threw it on the floor as well. My strength seemed inhuman as I threw him on his back and worked my way down his beautiful body with butterfly kisses and short, teasing stabs with my tongue. His stomach muscles were taut against his body as I licked his belly button.

“Mmm, someone has been working out,” I murmured in a sensual way.

“Well, I needed some toning. I have never been soft or pudgy but I want to be lean and hard everywhere for you. You have such a beautiful body and I want you to be just as proud as mine. It hasn’t escaped me Colin’s body is perfect for a guy.”

I rolled my eyes. “He’s not that perfect and besides, he has good genes. Yes, his body was immaculate but I didn’t fall in love with his body nor do I miss it particularly. I miss the Colin I knew before all the secrets and lies. I miss that man who I didn’t know murdered my father while high on Bath Salts. He can’t be that person again so talking about him is a moot point.”

My hands ran up and down his chest and stomach before he took a sharp inhale as I licked the underside of his cock like it was a Popsicle on a scorching hot day. I wrapped my fingers around the base and began to tickle the mushroom head of his manhood before I slipped it between my open lips and suckled on it.

His fingers drifted into my hair and caressed my scalp as I teased him over and over again, sliding my mouth down further and further before withdrawing. This went on for a while before I finally took his whole thick length into my mouth and deep throated him lovingly and in a controlled manner. I had to relax my throat muscles and that was no easy feat for someone like me with a sensitive gag reflex.

It was all about concentration, not on the task at hand but keeping my throat pliable and opened to his manhood before I eased it out of my mouth again. By this time, his breath had become raspy and ragged.

“Please,” he begged, “I need to be inside you.”

I worked my way up his body and kissed his stomach and his chest before we were finally face-to-face. He reached for me by the neck and pulled me into a passionate kiss only lovers would have shared before he slid his cock inside me to the hilt. It occurred to me he had not bothered to put on a condom but we both knew we were safe and it was no longer the first time.

Since my miscarriage, I had my OB-GYN insert an IUD and it was working out just fine. He’d only used a condom the first time because he didn’t want to scare me into thinking he was a promiscuous jerk who didn’t like to use anything—then again, I had yet to meet a man who used one because he truly enjoyed having one on—and we’d agreed condoms were no longer a necessity.

“Christ, you are so tight and warm and wet, maybe I should have used a rubber just so I could last a bit longer,” he murmured in my ear.

“Thanks. I’ll remember not to squeeze my vaginal muscles around you when in the throes of passion so you can hold out,” I whispered sarcastically in his ear.

“You little minx,” he said before he turned us over and he was on top of me though he balanced his weight with his hands.

Drake worked his way in and out of my body with steady precision and my fingernails grazed his back lightly. We had already worked ourselves into a frenzy as perspiration coated both our bodies and I met his thrusts with eager, gyrating hips which couldn’t help but move with him.

Our bodies were so in tune, we knew what inherently pleased one another and as our kisses became more and more urgent, I knew it was a matter of time before our passion consumed one another and ourselves.

I slid my arms around his neck and as he thrust into me again and again, my body felt as if he was controlling me and I absolutely loved the feeling of him being inside me. However, something was missing and I needed him to really own me and use me in a way that took me over the edge of the precipice.

“Hey, you want to get a little creative?” I wondered out loud though my voice was strained.

Drake stopped moving inside of me and stared into my eyes. “What do you mean exactly?”

“I mean I want to get on all fours and have you make love to me from behind.”

“You mean back-door style?”

“No, Mr. Pervert,” I responded in a sarcastic manner. “I’ve never had anal sex with anyone and I don’t intend to at the moment…I only meant I thought it would be fun to do it doggy style. It would give you that much more control and you could stroke my ‘love button’.”

He laughed out loud as he withdrew from my aching sex and I rolled onto my back before I got on all fours.

“Wow…” he trailed off and breathed deeply. “Looking at you like that is…so sexy. I don’t know if I will be able to control myself.”

I looked over my shoulder and faced him with a smirk on my face. “Then stop trying to and just go with the flow.”

Drake got into position and he entered me from behind with a force I wasn’t quite expecting but there was something so deliciously naughty about the position, I moaned out loud. He thrust into me, skin hitting skin with a slickness our sweat provided. It really was a lewd position to be in until he bent over me, his body covering my own and he kissed my neck as several fingers found my * and began to rub it quite hard.

I knew I was close and so was he as we found a rhythm where I was able to participate while his thrusts became harder and faster yet just as sensual. I adored what he was doing to my body and when the orgasm hit me, I sighed deeply and gyrated my hips against his manhood while his fingers continued to milk the orgasm from my body. My vaginal muscles tightened against his cock and then he groaned loudly as he joined me in my satisfaction and we both rode our orgasms out until there was nothing left.

I barely had the energy to crawl underneath the covers before I collapsed and he did the same before he spooned me lovingly and we stayed like that, in one another’s arms, our fingers entwined for a very long time.

We must have fallen asleep for a while because when we awoke, it was only after one in the morning and both of us remembered the sushi still in the sitting room. Neither of us bothered to dress; instead, we got out of bed and walked into the sitting room. I sat on my knees on the floor with my feet cushioning my naked bottom while he did the same.

Together, Drake and I ate sushi in silence while drinking shots of sake in between and the food was heavenly. I had never remembered being so ravishingly hungry in my whole life but neither one of us spoke because we didn’t feel the need to converse about mindless bullshit to be comfortable in one another’s presence. We could enjoy our meal in the comforting silence of the night and were equally content with just being around each other.

Afterwards, I positioned myself in his lap though there was nothing sexual about my actions and we held one another.

“So, be honest with me. Do you miss it?” he whispered in my ear.

I leaned my head against his chest and before I inquired, “Miss what exactly?”

“Living here in Seattle? Being around your friends and family?”

I shook my head silently. “Not really. What is there to miss? The fabulous Northwestern weather where you can never wash your car because it drizzles here almost all the time? The coffee culture? Nature? To be honest, it’s just a place and I loved it here because my birthplace, my home…and my family was here. Now that my Dad is dead, it’s not the same. When I left, I pretty much said goodbye to this place too. I suppose I could make a life here but it isn’t a prerequisite.”

“It’s expensive and there are some really great restaurants here. I can live anywhere you know. I don’t have to stay in La Jolla and I think I am ready for a change. I wouldn’t want to raise a family there but here…it’s perfect. At least I have some family here because Drew lives here and I also have you,” he explained as he stroked my hair softly.

“What are you trying to say exactly? You want to move here to Seattle? It would be easy for us to find some place, especially if we sold both our condos. If you want to leave California then just say so but you don’t have to talk me into coming back home. I would live anywhere with you—then again, I think you already know that.”

Drake kissed the top of my head. “So it’s settled then? We’ll think about moving back here?”

I was silent for a few stolen moments before I nuzzled his chest. “Yes, I will agree to consider the option and before the end of the engagement party, I will give you an answer.”

We both stared into one another’s eyes before we kissed each other good night, stood and walked back to the bedroom. I didn’t think it would be easy for me to fall asleep but once I was in the safety of his arms, all was right with the world. I closed my eyes and before I knew it, sleep had taken me to another realm, time and place.