Only Love (The Atonement Series)

CHAPTER Fifteen





I couldn’t deny how hard it was seeing Colin again but the thought of him with that cheap slut took the cake. How could he have chosen someone like Cassie from the coffee shop? Was he that desperate for sex he’d started on the employees? The sooner he left for Seattle, the happier I would be I realized.

The last thing I wanted to do was go back to Drake’s place with any animosity or bad feelings. I walked back to my condo first and had a long hot shower before I poured myself a stiff Absolut vodka and swallowed a Xanax along with the first swig.

By the time I dressed in simple yet lovely turquoise, strapless dress in chiffon courtesy of J. Crew which ended just above the knee and a pair of black three-inch sandals which matched my small clutch purse, I felt like a million bucks and looked it too. I had kept my makeup to a minimum and pinned my hair into a French Twist because I knew how much fun Drake would have taking it down to reveal my wavy, silky hair.

Although I had a key to his condo—the same way he had a key to my place—I still knocked before I used it. His place smelled delicious as he’d lit large candles everywhere and they all were scents of vanilla and various intoxicating spices. The fireplace was lit, whether for warmth or ambience didn’t matter because it made the place feel alive and cozy.

“I’ll be right out!” Drake called to me as I sat on the sofa casually in his sitting room.

I loved his condo because where mine was sterile and cold, his was warm, filled with muted colors with names like peanut butter and sand, cream, brick and caramel. The walls were the same way, painted in different yet warm colors which were seductive and inviting. I couldn’t lie; every time I visited his place, I felt like I was coming home.

Moments later, he walked into the sitting room wearing a pair of blue jeans ripped at the knees and black wife-beater with his tats on display. They were works of art, interesting symbols and every one of them meant something.

He had a shamrock tattoo with the colors of the German flag to symbolize both his German-Irish heritage on his left shoulder; a Celtic symbol meaning eternal love on his left forearm while on his right forearm, he had the Celtic symbol known as the “Knot of Eternity” which represented a closed cycle of life, death and reincarnation. Along his shoulder blades was the phrase “That which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” in Japanese characters (unlike a lot of Americans who ended up marking their body with phrases that were nonsensical in Chinese Mandarin, Cantonese or Japanese characters, he knew the translation was correct because Drake had spent three years in Japan as an adolescent while his father was the American Ambassador to Japan).

It was touching he felt the urge to mark his body with events and or symbols he felt were important in his life but at the same time, he wasn’t covered and I was more than just a little happy he didn’t possess a tattoo sleeve. I didn’t mind a few here or there but there was certainly a case of going overboard and Drake had stopped before he reached that point.

He stood over me before he leaned down and kissed my lips. “I thought for a moment you weren’t coming. I didn’t know if you’d changed your mind.”

I shook my head. “Never would I have done that.” I looked away before his pale aquamarine eyes drew me in and commanded my attention. “I drove by Colin’s this evening and it was a major mistake. He has some skank he’s holed up with and I lost my temper. I didn’t want to come here angry so I took a shower and decided to change first.”

He looked me up and down with stunning intensity. “You look beautiful.”

“Thanks.” I smiled but before I knew it, his lips pressed against mine and I welcomed the touch and feel of his skin. His warm hands caressed my neck before they wandered lower and he picked me up as if I weighed nothing.

“I have been waiting for this moment for such a long time and I want it to be perfect for you too. I really hope I don’t disappoint you.”

I slipped my arms around his neck and whispered into his ear, “You found me, the real me. Now really show me what kind of man you are so I can find you too.”

Drake walked to the bedroom with me in his arms and we couldn’t break eye contact even if we’d wanted to because I wanted to remember this moment between us for the rest of my life. He laid me on his California King bed and knelt down to take off my shoes before his hands rubbed up and down my calves. I sat up and palmed his face with my hands before I kissed those luscious lips and before I knew it, his tongue sought out mine and the electricity between us was exquisite and earth-shattering.

His fingers finally reached my abdomen under my dress and he clutched them around the dainty sides of the lace thong I had chosen to wear underneath. He slipped it off and set it on the bedside glass table to my utter mortification. Slowly, his hands parted my thighs and my sex was bared to him in all its glory.

Drake leaned over and kissed me again as his fingers played with my sex, his thumb rubbed my * while two fingers entered my depths and found my G-spot. I gasped out loud and moaned into kiss we shared together. I was on the verge of orgasm after so many weeks of not sharing myself with another and he knew it too.

However, he removed his fingers and I sat up as he kissed my neck and unzipped my dress before he pulled it down to expose my breasts and my taut stomach which trembled with nerves every time his fingers touched my skin. Somehow I felt no shame because this was hardly the first time I had been naked in front of a man and I desperately wanted to share my body with this one person.

He stared at my breasts and caressed them gently though his thumbs pressed hard against the nipples and murmured, “Beautiful.”

I arched my back the moment I felt his mouth on my left nipple. It was so highly erotic, I couldn’t describe it and when he bit it gently, I gasped out loud. His wet mouth moved from my left nipple to my right while his fingers played with my left nipple.

This was a love I had never experienced before and I wished I could have been prepared for the intensity but everything about us was an exploration of sorts. I had no idea what would happen or what to expect but this was an entirely new experience with another man.

I allowed him to tease me only to a certain extent before I sat up and looked at him. “I want to see you naked.”

Drake’s eyes changed and all blue disappeared as he slipped off his wife-beater before he unbuttoned his jeans. I saw the trail of dark hair from his navel before he stood and slipped them completely off. His cock was hard as a rock, scarlet, swollen, and fully engorged.

This is the man I wanted to see and I couldn’t help myself as I stood as well before I sank to my knees and grabbed hold of his manhood. He hissed before his breath became labored. My mouth opened and my tongue snaked out to tease the head of his cock and I tasted the salty-sweetness of his pre-cum. I teased the underside of him gently and slowly before his breath caught and then I slipped his cock inside my warm mouth and began to work him in and out in a gentle caress.

His hands gripped my hair before he caressed my scalp. The French Twist was ruined as he fisted my hair and I allowed more and more of his cock between my parted lips until I was taking his whole length inside of my mouth and down my throat. It took more throat control than normal because he was long and thick. I had never been with a man who was as big as he was and although there was nothing abnormal about his size, he was definitely the larger side of normal.

I knew he was close and he knew it too before he withdrew his length from my mouth and we both stood. He pressed his hardness to my body as he kissed me with a bruising and electric intensity I wasn’t used to. His tongue sought mine out with a genuine feeling of wanting there to be a connection between us and I sighed as we separated.

Drake slipped my dress from my body before he knelt before me. As he hitched my thigh on his shoulder, he began to devour my sex, starting with my swollen *. His mouth was a hungry, hot instrument that knew exactly where to suckle me while his fingers parted my sex like an exquisite flower and his tongue caressed the inside of me with gentle, probing thrusts.

I could barely keep my balance as his tongue teased my perineum before he began to tongue f*ck me again in slow, languishing movements that had me weak-kneed and unable to support my own weight.

He slipped two of his own fingers into his mouth before he continued to caress my * with a hungry mouth. Those two fingers explored my anal area and I gasped in surprise. At first it stung but something about the pain of what he was doing to my backside while the pleasure of him teasing my * brought a new kind of feeling to my body and when I had an orgasm, it was blissful and completely unexpected.

Drake slipped his fingers from my back passage and laid me back on the bed, legs spread. My eyes were halfway closed as I heard the sound of a condom being unwrapped. It was lambskin of course because they were the only ones close enough to sex without protection and they were completely natural without any harsh lubricants. They also did nothing against protection when it came to sexually transmitted diseases and were merely to prevent pregnancy.

I felt the mushroom tip of his cock at my opening and he slowly pushed his way through and deeply inside of me. There was pain and pleasure, so much exquisite pain but the pleasure was delicious and so incredibly satisfying. I couldn’t help but want the weight of his body pressed against mine as he f*cked me.

Finally, I opened my eyes and looked deeply into his before my arms wrapped around his neck and I pulled him closer to me. His weight made me feel safe and though he was still inside of me, we continued to gaze at one another and for the first time, I could truly see him as a person and I knew he saw me too.

Our lips found one another in a sensuous game and we kissed each other passionately, deeply as our tongues caressed each other’s in a beautiful game of pleasure.

His hips met mine with each determined thrust into my body and I welcomed the delicious assault on my wet sex, swollen with longing and need because it made me feel alive and it solidified what we had together. We were officially with one another and this was no longer a game or a joke. We’d shared each other’s bodies and given of ourselves freely to one another because it felt right and so beautiful and hypnotic.

When Drake finally began to thrust deeper and deeper into me and murmured he was going to come, I was ready. His cock was like a smooth running piston and his thumb played with my * so precisely that as he began to orgasm, so did I.

Afterwards, there was the removing of the condom which he threw in the trash before he walked back to bed and slid his sweaty body next to mine. We kissed and caressed one another in a leisurely manner for a long time.

Words didn’t need to be exchanged but we eventually made conversation.

“This doesn’t happen with every woman I bring home and I just want you to know that I love you very much. I held out as long as I could but I am glad we were able to make love. It wasn’t my best performance…I admit that much but I hope it will become even better and more satisfying for you, Deirdre.”

I looked over at Drake and caressed his face. “What are you talking about? It was mind-blowing and absolutely amazing. I love you too and I know you’re the man for me. I’m a bit rusty at this too so I can only hope I satisfied you as well but that was everything I expected from you and more.”

He leaned toward me before he kissed my nose. “You mean you aren’t the least bit disappointed? I can look at you and know you aren’t used to bad sex. Colin may be a lot of things but bad in bed certainly wasn’t one of them.”

I don’t know why this pissed me off he had the need to bring up my ex but it did. I slipped on a terry cloth robe he had given to me as I stood.

“You don’t have to constantly feel like you are in some sort of competition with Colin, you know. We don’t have to play ‘who’s the better lover’ game either. It’s not like he’s some perfect guy and everyone else is inferior and beneath him. He has his faults, believe me.”

“Wait, sweetheart, that’s not what I meant—”

I didn’t wait for him to finish before I left the room and went straight to his bar. I poured myself a stiff Belvedere vodka and swallowed it in one gulp though it slowly burned as it sank down my throat.

Drake didn’t have the same problem with modesty I did and he merely walked into the bar area without a stitch of clothing on his gorgeous, lean body.

“You’re nude,” I replied, stating the obvious.

“F*ck my being nude. Why do you always take such a defensive attitude every time that bastard is brought up? He must have really hurt you because you have constructed this wall between you and everyone else and you won’t even let me in. How do you think that makes me feel?” he inquired with anger in his voice.

“Listen, if I act that way when it comes to Colin, it’s because I never stopped loving the bastard and part of me hates myself because I can’t just let him go. You have absolutely no idea how frustrating that is because I would rather not feel anything for him but the heart and the mind aren’t always in perfect alignment, are they?”

Drake walked closer to me and poured himself a snifter of Hennessy XO Cognac before he swallowed it in single gulp. “What the hell did he do to you, Deirdre? Don’t you dare try to wiggle out of the situation now because I won’t sleep until I know what is going on!”

“Fine,” I whispered. I poured myself another shot of Belvedere and swallowed the smooth alcohol. “You want to know what secret keeps us tied together? Liam and Colin got high on Bath Salts and they murdered my father in a hit and run less than a year ago. The anniversary of my father’s death is the day before Thanksgiving.

“I didn’t know about any of this when we initially got together but after everything happened…our trip to Western Europe and the pregnancy, he told me the truth. I forgave him because I didn’t see any other option and we agreed we wouldn’t report it. It wouldn’t change anything and I didn’t want to see the father of my child in a prison cell.”

I breathed out loud. “Then, everything just fell apart for me. One day, I snapped and the implications of what he did finally sank in and I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want to marry him and I also found out the child I was carrying wasn’t his. It was his brother’s, Liam. We had a one night stand a few weeks before Colin and I got together and that was the last straw. I didn’t want to live a lie anymore so I just put my belongings in my car and I fled.”

There it was: the truth in black and white. I no longer had any secrets from him and he could judge me strictly on what had I allowed to happen in the past. It wasn’t pretty but everything that I’d experienced made me the person I was that night and the bitterness I faced every day for a mistake I’d made when I was supposedly in love would haunt me for all the days of my life.

I walked back into Drake’s bedroom and laid down in the very bed we had just recently made love in with absolutely no regrets. This was the path I had chosen and I didn’t have any intentions of going back to my former life. I would have to make do with what I had now and if Drake wasn’t what I truly wanted, going through what I did with Colin had made it infinitely easier for me to leave people behind and continue to move on with my life. I instinctively knew in my heart there was someone out there for me and if he wasn’t Drake, then I would find him as sure as the sun rose and set everyday.