Clearly there was nothing I could say to convince her because of how convenient my admission sounded. I was forced to accept the fact that I would be the only one to know that I was actually telling the truth.
During a long pause in conversation, I pulled my phone out to text my father, asking him to swing by and pick me up for work when I thought about the fact that Kira was my only means of transportation in D.C. I finished messaging him and slipped my underwear and pants on while Kira stood there watching.
From my peripheral, I saw her shake her head. “I can’t believe this.”
While buttoning my shirt, shame forced me to keep my eyes fixed on the floor.
“I mean…was she really worth it? Was she worth risking what we have?”
I didn’t respond. There were two answers to that question…and Kira didn’t honestly want to hear either one of them.
When I finished dressing, I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her feet when I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye. I felt ashamed for being so weak, but even more ashamed that I still felt somewhat justified in my actions – justified because I hadn’t just caught feelings for some random anybody; I fell for the woman I would’ve spent the rest of my life with if I’d gotten my way. Realizing just how flawed my thinking was, I shook my head.
Kira took a step in my direction, and I forced myself to man-up. Whatever happened, whatever was lost, I had to face it because I’d brought it on myself. She hesitated and then slowly took a seat beside me on the bed. Then and only then did I finally meet her gaze; however, I immediately wished that I hadn’t.
That look on her face…
How could I have been this reckless?
Look what I’ve done to her…
In my heart, seeing the burden of grief on her face, I believed that it was over. There was no way we could come back from this. No way she’d be able to look at me the same. No way she’d be able to forgive what I’d done.
But then…she reached for my hand.
At first I didn’t know what to make of the gesture, but then Kira spoke and made her intentions clear – knocking me to the floor with shock.
She brushed away a tear with one hand while clutching my hand in the other. Shaking her head in defiance of what her instincts had to have been screaming at her, Kira made a declaration. “I’m not giving you up as easily as she did. So whatever it means to ‘fight’ for us…that’s what I’m gonna do if you’re willing to do the same,” she breathed, squaring her shoulders to let me know just how serious she was.
“Are you willing to put in the effort to make this work?” she asked, staring directly into my eyes.
My heart was beating so fast that it was nearly vibrating inside my chest. She wanted an answer right then and there – no time to think this through. A choice had to me bade in that instant, or else it would be made for me. All the details flashed into my head – a list of what was rational, what was easy. If I were to choose based on commonsense, hands down, it’d be Kira. Was that what this all came down to, though? Logic? It seemed like love is typically anything but logical, but…
“Are you willing to put in the effort?” she repeated.
I continued to spin a mental figure-eight around these thoughts, eventually blurting out the answer that would cause the least amount of destruction. “Yes.” I almost regretted that response immediately, but had to hide the doubt or she’d pick up on it.
Kira looked down at the ground, no trace of satisfaction on her face after hearing that I was in fact going to try to make this relationship work between us. Instead, she looked worried – like she knew that the hardest part of this task would be getting me to forget about Sam.
She sighed and pushed her fingers through her hair. “I know your flight is already set, but it’d probably be a good idea for you to stick around this weekend so we can, you know…talk about this some more,” she suggested.