Uprooting herself from her job to help me pursue my dream, loving me even before I could see beyond my past hurt to even realize she’d been there the whole time – those were the reasons why this decision wasn’t clear cut. One woman I loved beyond reason, never ceasing to amaze me with how hard and fast just being near her makes my heart beat – while the other had given me countless reasons over the past three years to direct all of my affection toward her. In my eyes, they both deserved better than what I was currently offering…pieces – it didn’t matter who had more or who had less, what mattered was that neither had me completely.
I stopped on the side of the road and clutched my chest when it tightened and burned from the inside. My breaths rushed in and out more quickly than usual as I braced my hands on my knees. Sweat poured down my face and I realized then that the stress of this situation would end up killing me long before I’d made up my mind at this point. Something needed to be done – soon.
Already, my mind had begun to lean in the direction that seemed most sensible – Kira. We were already headed down the path toward marriage and we had time invested in this relationship…however…even after considering how rational all of this sounded…I wasn’t ready to let Sam go. I’d loved that girl since forever, made a fool of myself on more than one occasion to prove this fact. Now that fate had dropped her right back in my lap, I couldn’t imagine letting her slip away again.
I exhaled slowly until I could control my breathing again. My chest felt less weighted when I stood upright and decided to walk back to the house instead of running. Still lingering in the valley of indecision, I came to the only conclusion that made sense – tell Kira what I’ve done. This seemed like the only way to make things right. Whether we stayed together or went our separate ways, she’d have to know about Sam and me. So either way you cut it, I was done living a lie.
Let the chips fall where they may…
*****
The house was still silent when I closed the front door behind me. I took off my shoes and traipsed up the stairs where I found Kira still fast asleep. Not knowing how bad the conversation between us would get, I packed my things and set what I’d need to get dressed for work on the bathroom counter. Leaving my lone bag at the front entrance, I took the stairs by twos and went to shower.
The scalding water washed away the few traces of doubt that lingered. It wasn’t that I was unsure about whether telling Kira was the right thing to do or not, I just wondered if I really had it in me to break her heart like I was about to do. While I hated the idea of hurting her, this had to be done.
I stepped out of the shower, securing one towel around my waist and another over my shoulders after drying my hair. I finished brushing my teeth and had just swiped a second strip of deodorant beneath my arm when my attention darted toward the now open bathroom door where Kira stood staring. At first I didn’t understand why her eyes were fixed on my back with that look on her face – confusion, disgust, rage – and then it dawned on me…Sam’s scratches.
Why the hell couldn’t I have just remembered to lock the door?
The speech I’d prepared to give – the one I hoped would make me look at least a little bit less guilty by confessing as opposed to getting caught – was now null and void. My attempt to soften the blow of Kira finding out what I’d done was now shot to hell.
Her eyes flickered when she met my gaze and then her voice rang out into the silence. “Do I even need to ask who those’re from?” she asked, her voice cracking when she spoke. She’d figured it all out – why I didn’t want to sleep with her the night before, why I’d been so distant since my arrival.
There wasn’t a response in the world that would’ve appeased her at this point, so I stayed silent.
In that one fleeting moment, all of Kira’s fears that had set in the moment she was present to witness the unquestionable chemistry that hung between Sam and me, were realized. While I’ll be the first to admit that this wasn’t how I intended for Kira to find out, there was still a sense of relief that I wouldn’t have to pretend with her anymore. We’d face this head on and figure out where to go. I don’t know how some men keep up the charade for years or sometimes even decades. After only one week, I’d had enough of living a double-life.
“How long?” she sighed. “Since the wedding?”