I embraced her tighter and kissed the top of her hair affectionately, hoping to soften the blow of what I had to say next. “Babe…I know it’s been a while, but…to be honest, I’m beat.” I continued to run my hands up and down her back, trying to mask the emotional disconnect that was now plaguing my half of our relationship.
She was quiet. Too quiet. When she finally did speak, she sounded extremely disappointed…and maybe even a little embarrassed that she’d been turned down. “Oh…um…of course. You worked all day, and…I should’ve considered that before I –“
“No, don’t apologize. Seriously, I want to…I just wanna make sure that I’m at my best. You know?” I lied, stroking my hands down her shoulders now.
She looked up at me and forced a weak smile. “It’s fine. Maybe, um…when you get in tomorrow, before your flight, we could –“
“Definitely,” I answered, already thinking of a plan to implement for when she came at me again.
“If you’re not too tired,” she added quietly as if baffled by the fact that I was choosing sleep over her. A tight smile crossed my face and I was glad to let it slip away when she turned her back. I turned off the last light while following her to the bedroom.
I couldn’t keep this up much longer.
Kira lay beside me silent and motionless, staring at the ceiling for nearly an hour now without speaking a word. My back was toward her and I kept my eyes trained on the doorway, focusing on the darkness that consumed the hall. I rested on top of the comforter like we were strangers as opposed to a couple with years under our belt headed for marriage. The light of the moon cast a gray haze in the entire room through the open curtains, seeming to represent the cloud hanging over Kira and me in that moment. The air was charged and I could practically feel her suspicion growing. Seeing as how I’d been lying here sleepless all this time, she had to have realized that fatigue wasn’t really the culprit behind my rejection. Still, she didn’t bother bringing it up. When she turned her back toward mine, the room grew even colder.
It was nearly two in the morning when I finally heard her breathing deepen, meaning she’d drifted to sleep. I didn’t doze until almost an hour later, so I awoke a little after 5 a.m. frustrated and still feeling the effects of my near-sleepless night. My head swam through the murky thoughts that now consumed me, so I decided to go for a run to clear some of it away.
Kira didn’t even stir as I changed into shorts and a t-shirt from the drawer. I found a pair of tennis shoes that I’d left behind, slipped them on, and was out the door a few minutes later.
I missed this – the silence as opposed to the constant serenade of traffic, sirens, and just…noise. Here I could run in peace without sharing my path with hundreds of strangers. Here I could hear myself think. But here…there was no Sam. That fact alone made leaving D.C. seem like one of the best things that’d ever happened to me.
I missed her like crazy and it’d only been about twelve hours since I left her sitting in the cab to board my plane. My heart broke every time I thought about our conversation. Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I loved her. That fact hadn’t changed even after all these years, but…did my feelings for her justify me walking out on Kira? Leaving her sitting here with her heart broken after all she’d done for me? It didn’t seem fair, no matter how badly my heart wanted me to choose in Sam’s favor.