I shook my head. “No. Since the move.” I didn’t bother to give an exact timeframe. It didn’t really matter at this point.
The room was so quiet that my ears started ringing. Kira wouldn’t look away from me as her eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill over. She finally blinked and looked to the ground as the first of many finally streamed down her cheeks. Knowing that this was all because of me, I didn’t even feel worthy of consoling her. Instead, I just stood there and watched the beginning of her breakdown.
“I knew this was gonna happen. I knew it. I could feel it,” she uttered softly, more so to herself than to me.
I didn’t know what to say.
She lifted her eyes to mine again. “Why, though, AJ? I’ve been good to you! I mean, haven’t I? You needed a friend, I was your friend. You wanted someone to talk to, I listened. I gave you everything! My heart, my LIFE! You…” her eyes fell to the ring on her finger as she shook her head. I half expected her to rip it off and throw it at me, but she didn’t. Instead, she twirled it on her finger as sadness continued to ravage her.
“Kira, I –“
“She left you, AJ. LEFT YOU! Have you forgotten about that? Have you forgotten how messed up you were because of her? And who was there to pick up the pieces? ME!” She paused and a few more sobs bellowed from her throat. “How could you do this to me?” She screamed. “Is it something that I did? Something that I didn’t do?” she asked, nearly pleading.
It wasn’t possible to feel lower than I felt in that moment. Here I was, standing in front of Kira with tangible evidence that I’d been unfaithful, and she was blaming herself. I took a step closer and hesitantly extended my hand, but then, at the last second, decided against touching her.
I felt like a monster – for hurting her, for breaking her, and for bringing Sam into all this. I had a feeling that they were both currently wishing that they’d never met me. Kira truly had been my saving grace, and for years after that, she’d been my anchor. Putting myself in her position, I understood how unfair this all seemed – that a woman who’d walked out on me could now replace her. But I couldn’t change how I felt about Sam. I could choose to stay away from her if that’s the way this all went down, but my feelings for her would remain. Always.
“Do you love her?” Kira asked in a whisper, right in synch with my thoughts.
I stared into her eyes, fully prepared to not answer the question.
“Do you love her?” She yelled, demanding a response.
I eventually told the truth because she deserved to know. “Yes.”
Her heart broke even more right there before my eyes. Despair overwhelmed her and she took a step forward like she’d embrace me and then reminded herself that I was the one inflicting the pain.
Backing further away, she shook her head frantically. “I just don’t get why I wasn’t enough,” she breathed. “Was this ever real? Was any of this ever real?”
“Of course it was,” I assured her, grasping at straws. The next words that entered my mind sounded so cliché that I almost didn’t want to say them aloud, but they were the truth. “Kira…I never meant to hurt you.”
She swiped at her tears, but didn’t respond.
“I didn’t plan it like this.”
“I know, I know…it just happened,” she added mockingly, thinking that was what I’d say next.
When I shook my head, she waited for me to speak. “No, it wasn’t like that.” I folded my arms over my chest and contemplated whether to continue this part of the conversation further or to shut it down.
She didn’t really want to hear my explanation and I didn’t really want to give it.