From the corner of my eye, I could see him watching me intently when he replied, “No, Anthony…I lost you.”
I didn’t respond.
The silence in the room persisted while my father ran his hand across his chin thoughtfully. He lowered his head and the next words that he spoke came out quieter than any he’d spoken since this conversation began. “I managed to convince myself that you understood how much I loved you because of how well I provided for you and your mother.” He cleared his throat and tried to embrace the idea of being transparent in that moment. It wasn’t lost on me that it couldn’t have been easy for a man who’s hardwired like he is to share his emotions. “I know now that I made a lot of mistakes with you, and…despite all that, you turned out to be a good man – one I’m proud to call my son.”
I almost thought I’d misheard him. Praise? Admiration? Those were things I’d never gotten from my father – not in recent years anyway. However, this otherwise pleasant moment between he and I was tainted by thoughts of Kira and what I’d done.
I shook my head as shame washed over me. “I’m not a good man.”
He glanced at me again and I was sure he noticed that my defenses were finally starting to come down.
“How could you think that?” he asked.
My gaze floated out the window as I stared at nothing in particular, wavering back and forth between trusting him and throwing my guard back up. Eventually, I gave in and decided to go with my gut. I’d never seen him like this before and couldn’t seem to convince myself that trusting him was a bad idea.
“I almost ended things with Kira this morning,” I confessed.
At first my father was silent while he took it all in. “May I ask what happened?”
This was where I felt like I had to start being vague. He’d never understood what drew Sam and me together in the past, so he certainly wouldn’t understand it now. If I had to guess, I’d say he viewed Kira as a suitable choice for a wife, and probably also a smart business move. Breaking down and telling him about Sam being back in the picture would just bring about an unnecessary argument, and I wasn’t in the mood. He could claim to be a changed man all he wanted, but it’d take some time for me to believe it fully.
I looked over at my father and remembered that he was awaiting a response. “Let’s just say things got kind of complicated. That’s all.”
Did he buy that?
The sound of him chuffing a short laugh made me glance at him from the corner of my eye, not understanding what he could’ve possibly found funny about what I said.
“Complicated,” he repeated to himself. “Yes…relationships can definitely be that way on occasion. Chances are, though, the two of you will work things out and be back on track sooner than you think.”
I tried to imagine it, tried to let that be enough to uplift my mood, but it didn’t work. There was no appeal associated with the idea of moving on and pretending like the last month and a half hadn’t happened. The truth was, I did run into Sam at Terrell and Maisha’s wedding; I did realize that I’m still in love with her. There was no amount of reverse psychology or anything else that would make me just forget about how she makes me feel.
“But then again,” my father said, cutting into my thoughts. “There are those who say everything happens for a reason. Maybe these ‘complications’ were meant to be a wakeup call for you?”
I glanced over at him, but didn’t say a word. If he only knew who’s side he was taking by putting doubts in my head…
“This wedding’s going to sneak up on you before you know it,” he sighed. “Are you having second thoughts?” His eyes were on me after asking the question.
This was uncharted territory for us. For one, my father was never one to deal in feelings – he’d always been the straight forward, black and white kind of guy. However, to me, it sounded like he was suggesting that I reevaluate my situation with Kira.