- 11 -
My eyes cracked open and I stared at the warm, soft body lying beside me. I snuggled up to him and breathed him in. I feel like a child. I’m snuggling up to a bear. And he smells like Logan.
My bedroom door cracked open and Dad stuck his head in.
“Birdie?” he whispered.
“I’m up,” I said uncurling my legs from Hunter. Yes, I named him Hunter. And no one will ever know that. Not even the man he’s named after.
Dad walked in and sat on my bed.
He stared at his hands for a bit then his dark eyes found mine. It’s not good. Whatever he’s going to say is going to crush me. It will tear my heart apart because I know that look. It was the same look he had when he told us he and Mom were getting a divorce. We knew things were bad but we always hoped they’d stay together…for us.
“Matty and Kelsey told me you haven’t been feeling...” He looked down at the floor as his jaw twitched. I know he hates saying it. Everyone hates saying it. That’s why I don’t want to burden them with my problems.
“Dad.” I sat up and wiped sleep from my eyes. “What is it? Just tell me.” Just blurt it out so I can handle it. I can’t take the dramatic effect.
“Toby called,” he said looking back at me.
My breath caught. My airways are closing. I can’t breathe. I’m shaking. And–
Dad grabbed my hand and told me to breathe. In and out. Deep breaths. Relax.
“I told him to call me first,” Dad said after I started to calm down. “Just in case you weren’t…” I nodded. I get it. I’m not stable enough to have Toby call me with updates. “His parents got the trial bumped up.” Holy shit that was fast. Of course it was. They’re lawyers. Judges listen to them.
It’s been seven months since Alice was murdered.
To me, it feels like it was just yesterday. I can never stop thinking about it. Thinking about her. April seventh was the day my life hit the pause button. More like the self-destruct button.
Kelsey doesn’t even talk about her birthday because it was two days before my life exploded. She used to always bring up her birthday and how many things she needs to make it special. How big the party will be. All her friends coming over. Now we both think back to those days and nothing good comes out of it. She found out she was sick and I lost my best friend.
“To when?” I asked. It’s supposed to be in a few more months. There are cases that have more importance at the moment. I guess since the victim was killed and they caught the guys, that’s more than enough for now.
“January,” Dad said softly. f-uck. That’s the month of Alice’s birthday. “Fourth.” No f-ucking way!
“They can’t do that!” I snapped. “Why would they have it on her birthday?! What the f-uck is wrong with them?!” That is so fucked up. Why would they do that? And on Alice’s birthday! She would be turning twenty-three. Instead of remembering the day that is suppose to be for her, they’ll be ruining it with court and photos of her lying on the bathroom floor, covered in blood, dead. Who would do something like that?
“I know. I know. Birdie, listen,” Dad said grabbing my shaking shoulders. “They want them to pay for what they did and the only available day was the fourth. They see it as fate. Something Alice is telling them.”
“That’s f-ucking bullshit.”
Her parents are assholes. The biggest ones out there. They don’t care about Toby or Alice. They just want their name to be wiped clean. They don’t want to be the lawyers whose daughter was murdered. They want their clients to know how powerful they are. That won’t happen unless they take care of the two assholes that killed my best friend. Not their daughter. My best friend. Melissa and Dolton can care less about losing their daughter. They have each other and that’s how they always saw it. To them, they never had children.
“Toby said you need to be there,” Dad said.
I nodded.
The police told me the same thing when I was able to head back home. They told me I’d have to be present at the trial. I’ll have to do everything again if I want Kenneth and Jared to pay for what they did. For what they took. They didn’t just take my friend. They took my life.
“Are you okay?” Dad asked searching my face.
“Yeah,” I whispered. “I will be,” I said when he didn’t believe me. He knows me too well.
Dad left a few minutes later and I got ready for school. I was on autopilot again. I’m standing at the twins’ dorm building, staring off at nothing. I don’t know how I walked down the stairs leading me here once I got off at Ruggles station.
I was about to walk into class when my phone rang. And it was the Washington area code. I answered with a shaky hand and listened to one of the Williams’ assistants tell me about the trial coming up and how I’ll get all the details in the mail tomorrow. At least they’re making it a rush delivery.
I hung up and leaned against the wall as people walked by. I noticed a lot of them stared longer than normal so I wondered if I have ‘penis’ written on my forehead or something.
A small hand snaked around my arm and pulled me forward. “You look AMAZING,” Aimee said smiling at me with bright white teeth. “But aren’t you cold?”
Cold?
Why would I be–
I looked down and stared at the tops of my b-reasts popping out of my tank top. Jesus! How did I forget my sweater? And why am I not cold?
“Whoa,” Logan said stopping beside me. “Did someone not notice how freezing cold it is outside?” He looked me up and down then found my eyes. “Is that bear to blame for this?”
No. My dead best friend’s f-ucking parents are. I’m not completely here at the moment. I can see that.
“What bear?” Aimee asked, brows furrowing.
Professor Red and Roberts walked down the hall together. They both stared wide-eyed at me as they took in my outfit. “Ms. Mercer,” Professor Roberts said. “Please see to it that Ms. Lennox doesn’t freeze to death before she gets to my class. We have to be outside today.” The two nodded a hello then walked their separate ways.
In the beginning of the year, I went to class to drool over him. Now, I just want to roll my eyes and walk away. I’m not feeling it. I’m not feeling anything right now. I’m stuck thinking about Alice and what her parents want to do. Those f-ucking assholes are bringing me down just when I got back up.
Logan’s fingers ran up my arm and I saw his brows furrow. “You’re freezing. Rebeckah, it’s like twenty-five degrees outside.” I’m crazy. I know. You know this too.
“Maybe you two should f-uck in an empty room. Heat you right up,” Aimee said nudging my arm with a playful smile on her lips. “I’ll take notes for you,” she said walking into Professor Red’s class.
“Here,” Logan said pulling his sweater off. “Keep yourself warm. Temperature is going to drop even more.”
I wouldn’t have taken it but I did for two reasons. One being I don’t want to walk around without a sweater and two being that I know it will smell like him. And that might take my mind off things for a bit.
I was going to walk into class and leave it at that but instead I leaned into Logan and kissed him quickly. I caught him off guard. I caught myself off guard. I don’t know why I did it but it felt nice.
“Thanks,” I said softly.
“For what?” Logan asked confused.
I don’t blame him. I’m hot and cold. I’m weird. I’m very hard to deal with.
“For dealing with me. And you didn’t kiss me goodnight,” I said raising an eyebrow at him.
“Oh, is it my fault your brother kidnapped you?”
“You should’ve kidnapped me from being kidnapped.”
“I’ll remember that for next time.”
So we’ll have more times.
I glanced over Logan’s shoulder and found a supply closest. Ah, I have fond memories of those small places.
“Are you skipping class?” I asked.
“Depends,” Logan said with that smile. “Why?”
“Because I want you to f-uck me good morning.”
His eyebrows shot up to his hairline as he stared at me.
“I’m still not used to you blurting shit out,” Logan said taking my hands. “But ask and you shall receive.”
Every girls wish.
We ran back to his room and said good morning.
***
Aimee and I caught up in Roberts’ class which was held outside for some unknown reason but when all but five students complained of frostbite, we headed back inside and did a different lesson.
The rest of the day was better.
I put it in my mind that I’ll go to the trial, say what I need to say, make sure they get what they deserve and then see Alice. I haven’t done that yet. I couldn’t…can’t. Not yet. But when I head back to Seattle for the trial, I might be able to it. I have to. I have to be strong.
Alice would want me to be strong.
I walked into Curry and found an empty table near the window while I waited for Aimee to show up with ‘the best salads she ever tasted.’ She said they were good so I have to try them. I’m not a salad person but what the hell. Might as well just try it.
“Hey, you,” Kevin said sliding into the seat across from me. Max and Shaun took up the other seats beside him and Juan sat beside me.
“There are tables all around here and you have to choose mine,” I said with mock disappointment. These guys are cool. I thought it would be awkward to be around Kevin after everything we did together but he doesn’t bring it up and neither do I. He even talks about the women he’s been with around me so I don’t think it’s that big of a problem. I’m trying to see it his way.
“We just have one question,” Shaun said drumming his fingers on the table.
“Some guys in our class mentioned they saw a four-leaf clover on your side when they saw you this morning. Seeing as how you never show us the goods, I was curious,” Max said. “And Kevin wouldn’t confirm.”
“Because Kevin was busy doing other things than staring at my tats,” I said. Ohmygod. I did not just let that slide. The guys smiled then went on as if nothing happened.
“Story behind it,” Juan snapped his fingers.
“And don’t leave out any details,” Kevin smiled.
“It was the last one I got,” I said playing with the arm of Logan’s sweater. “Got it on my twenty-first birthday.” And I left it at that.
The guys waited.
“That’s it?”
“Were you drunk?”
“High?”
“Luck of the Irish?” Juan asked.
A small laugh escaped my lips. “No. I’m not even Irish,” I said. “My friend and her brother are. We just got matching tattoos.”
Toby used to visit us a lot so when it was my twenty-first birthday and Alice and I decided to skip the ‘let’s go out and get wasted’ thing, we stopped at a hotel in New Jersey and surprised Toby. He said he was planning something with his secret boyfriend but since we never met the guy, we told him to ditch him. It was fucked up because it was Christmas so Toby’s revenge was making me get a four-leaf clover. We all got it. Toby got his on his right wrist (mainly for hand jobs), Alice got it on her ankle (it was her first so she was scared) and I got mine on my left side where it would blend in with my other tattoos.
“The meaning behind it is, ‘f-uck me, I’m Irish,’” I said.
“Whoa!” Aimee said stopping at the table. “You better not f-uck anyone at this table. Scoot over,” she said to Juan. I scooted down and Juan did the same for Aimee to fit. “You’re Irish?” she asked me.
“No, Becka just has a four-leaf clover on her side for no reason,” Shaun smirked. “Except to mind-f-uck men.”
“Did I hear ‘f-uck men’?” Darren asked sliding into the tiny spot beside Shaun. This booth will break if anyone else sits here.
“I knew you were gay,” Caleb said walking up to the table with Logan. “This is fucked up. I’m a guest and I don’t even have a seat.”
“Aimee can sit on your lap,” Logan said, pouting. “I’m more concerned about me.”
“Are you oblivious to the fact of a beautiful tattooed girl being squeezed to death next to Juan?” Darren asked, glancing at me and winking. “You can sit on my lap if you want.”
I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw the look Logan gave him. I shook my head and glanced outside, and my heart stopped.
“f-uck me,” I breathed.
“Are you sure?” Darren asked. “I told you, man. She wants me.”
“What? No. I wasn’t talking to you,” I said.
I glanced outside again and he was gone. Was I hallucinating? I must have been. He wouldn’t be here. What the f-uck would he be here for in the first place?
I pressed my head against the window and tried to look past walking students. He’s not here. Of course.
What would Toby Williams be doing here?
Get a grip, Becka. You’re going crazy.
“It’s so weird to see you with clothes on.”
I. Just. Died.
My head slowly turned to see the person standing beside Logan. He’s not real. He’s not standing right there.
God, why are you doing this to me?!
He looks like Alice. The brownish-green eyes are the same. The dark hair. The cheekbones. Toby’s gay and proud, only he doesn’t look it. He looks like the kind of guy that goes to the gym to hit on women and f-uck them in the showers.
“I’m sorry?” Logan asked turning to him.
f-uck, he’s real.
My heart is beating way too fast and I feel like I’m going to faint. Pass out. Die. Something.
“Can we talk?” Toby asked me.
Aimee took one look at me and saw something in my face. In the look of my eyes. I don’t know, she saw something. “Look, I don’t know who you are but Becka doesn’t want to talk to you,” she said, giving Toby a look to even dare question her. “And if you were a one time thing then I’m sorry to break it to you but it was only that. A one time thing.” Oh, thanks.
Toby laughed softly and pulled up the sleeves of his sweater, revealing far more tattoos then he had since I last saw him. Holy shit, when did he get those? “I can stay here all day, Becka,” he said placing his hands on his hips. “Your dad even told me where you work.”
“No, he didn’t,” I panicked. He wouldn’t do that. He knows I’m having a hard time hearing Toby’s name so I imagine what he thinks will happen by seeing Toby.
“Okay, he didn’t but I have my ways. It’ll be five minutes. That’s all I need.” That’s far too long.
I tore my eyes off of him and stared at the table. I felt the tears coming and I tried to hold them back but it was pointless. He’s bringing back too many feelings. Happy ones. Sad ones. Perfect ones.
“I think you should go,” Logan said.
Yes, thank you. That’s what he needs to do.
“Are you Becka’s latest f-uck buddy?” Toby barked. My head snapped up and my eyes widened. He better not say anything. I don’t care if I’m a whore but still, he doesn’t have to say shit. “Don’t get your feelings involved, man. She’ll just leave when the next thing comes around.”
“Shut up, Toby!” I snapped.
“Oh, now you acknowledge me,” he said.
“What the f-uck are you even doing here?” I asked.
“I live around here.” Oh f-ucking awesome. I came back home with hopes of never having to be put through the shit I was back in Washington. Now I know he lives around here. “You’d know if you called or texted or did something other than lose contact. And I can’t believe I have to talk to you through your dad. That’s just fucked up.”
“Things are different now,” I said through my teeth.
“People go through shit all the time, Becka. They don’t give up on people who are like family.” There are hundreds of things I can say about that, number one being his parents but I’m not that fucked up. You don’t talk about the Williams’ with a Williams. “Look at me. We both lost her and you don’t see me ignoring you.”
“I wish you would.”
“Get the f-uck up,” Toby said louder.
“You should get the f-uck out,” Logan said, giving Toby his full attention. Shit. This doesn’t look good. Logan looks about ready to start grabbing Toby’s sweater and drag him out kicking and screaming.
“You’re making a scene, Rebeckah,” Toby sighed.
“Me? You’re the one that doesn’t leave.” I can’t believe him! He’s putting this on me. I’m just sitting here.
Toby looked me straight in the eyes and said, “If Ali was standing here right now, would you be this difficult?”
I curled my hands into fists under the table. He’s driving me insane and I want to hit him. Repeatedly. I want to break him and–
“Ugh! I wish you weren’t gay so I can beat the shit out of you,” I said as tears ran down my cheeks. That doesn’t matter though. I would still kick his ass but I can’t because I love the guy. UGH!
“Oh, you’re gay?” Caleb asked, dropping the should-we-throw-him-out look he was sharing with Logan.
“Yeah. Why? Now you change your mind about kicking my ass?” Toby asked him. Caleb held up his hands in surrender and nodded. “That’s what I thought.” For a twenty-four-year-old, Toby acts twelve. “Now that everyone established the fact that I won’t rape you outside, can you talk to me?” he asked turning his eyes back on me.
I give up.
He’s not leaving until we talk. So we’ll talk.
“Fine,” I sighed. Aimee and Juan got up so I could slide out. I grabbed Toby and pulled him to an empty table nearby.
I held out my left arm for him to take.
“What the f-uck is this?” Toby asked confused. “A marriage proposal? Not with me, Becka.”
“Take it,” I said shaking it. He took my hand and raised an eyebrow. I can’t say it. The words are stuck in my throat. “Go higher.”
His fingers slid under Logan’s sweater as he said, “I don’t understand why I’m feeling your wr–”
His other hand pulled the sweater arm up and his eyes found the scar. Then they found mine.
“That’s why,” I said. “Ever since I met you, you said you had one rule for liking and disliking people. You don’t care about who they are, what color their skin is or if they’re homophobic but you will never be friends with someone who tries to kill themselves. You’re gay and you know a lot of people who ended their lives because they weren’t accepted. You hated them for it. I tried to end mine because I was in pain, Toby. I lost her. I loved her! And my sister got sick. My world shattered and I couldn’t handle it. There was nothing I could do. I was useless.”
“You’re not useless,” Toby said looking at my scar again. His thumb ran over it a few times and as he did that, the tears came out harder. “I’m sorry,” he said dropping my arm and pulling me into a hug. “I shouldn’t have locked myself away. I should have checked on you.”
“It should have been me, Toby,” I cried into his chest. “If that employee didn’t come outside, he would have killed me. Then maybe Ali would still be alive.”
“Don’t do that,” Toby said pulling away and cupping my face. “Don’t do the ‘what if’s’. No one knows how that night would have happened if something changed. You can’t feel like this, Becka. She’s gone but you’re still alive.”
“But I’m not living,” I sobbed.
“Because you don’t want to live.”
He’s right.
“I feel like I don’t deserve to live,” I whispered.
“Man, I wish you were gay so I can beat the shit out of you,” Toby said smiling at me. He pulled me back into his arms and squeezed the air out of my lungs. “You hurt yourself again and I will personally cut off your nipples and shove them down your throat.” I pulled away from him with a raised eyebrow. Where the f-uck is that coming from? And why my nipples? “You don’t have a cock. It’d work so much better if you had a cock.”
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “That way you can cut it off and shove up your own ass.” Toby laughed and walked me back to my table with everyone staring at us. I don’t think they’ve ever heard of privacy.
“You wish you can f-uck me. I’m the forbidden fruit,” Toby said standing right beside Logan. Are you serious? I know he’s doing that because of the way I acted when he told Logan I’d leave him when the next one comes around. I never stick up for hook-ups. And Toby knows that. “The sexy forbidden fruit.”
“More like the sexy forbidden banana,” Aimee said.
Caleb gave her a cocked eyebrow and Toby followed.
“You look like Becka’s type,” Toby said.
My eyes widened as I punched him in the shoulder. Not once have I thought of Aimee that way. Ever! Toby glanced at me with a confused look. Then he got it. “Oh…they don’t know.”
“Know what?” Logan asked, staring at me.
Nothing!
“Becka goes both ways,” Toby said.
Everyone’s jaws dropped.
Oh. My. God.
He did not…
I scratched my forehead as I waited for time to pause. That has only happened when I’m super wasted. I don’t willingly walk up to girls and bring them somewhere to f-uck.
“We’re twins,” Aimee said pointing at Logan.
Toby eyed Logan up and down and nodded. “Figures. She’d go for the one with a cock. She takes after me.”
I leaned over the table and grabbed my bag sitting between the wall and Juan, not making eye contact with anyone because I know they’ll ask questions.
“Yeah…so I have to go to work…” I said backing up. “Talk later.” I turned around and walked my ass out of Curry. I ran to the train station so no one could follow me.
When I got to work, I found comfort in being behind the bar. That was until the door opened and Toby walked in. When did I get so lucky? Twice in one day. And I thought Logan was the stalker.
“Seriously, you can’t do this. I need time–”
Toby glanced over my shoulder and smiled. Like a full on my-day-just-got-a-shit-ton-better smile. He ignored me as he walked over to my left, leaned over the bar and planted a kiss on Peyton’s lips.
Now it was my turn to have my jaw drop.
What the f-uck is this?!
I just got mind-fucked.
I can’t even think straight.
I stared at the two like they were strangers. But they’re not. I know both of them. At least I thought I did. Now I’m questioning everything. Peyton and Toby. A couple?
Here I thought I have a job because I’m qualified. I think Peyton knew exactly who I was when I walked my ass in The Happy Hour. I think I got the job because Toby knew it was me.
He gave me time.
He was always here.
He never gave up on me.
That’s so…nice.
“Okay, stop staring. It’s weird,” Toby said sitting down on a stool while making f-uck-me eyes at Peyton. I know Toby. I know he’ll f-uck Peyton right here, right in front of me, on this counter.
“How long have you two been dating?” I asked.
“Two years,” Peyton said. Two years! “And trust me when I say I didn’t forget that you stole him from me on Christmas.”
f-uck.
“I didn’t know,” I said sheepishly. “Toby never mentioned you. I mean, he said he was seeing someone but he never said a name, showed a picture, called you…Ali and I thought he was making it up.” Damn, it’s weird talking about Alice in public. And with Peyton. This guy knows nothing about me. Well, nothing that I know of. “You knew who I was when I applied, didn’t you?”
“I was shocked,” he said, nodding. “But Toby mentioned you kind of shut down so I didn’t mention anything. He wanted you to be ready…to see him.”
“That turned out well,” Toby said giving me a look.
“Suck a dick.”
“Whip it out,” Toby said winking at Peyton.
Peyton tugged on his jeans.
“No! Don’t you dare!” I said wide-eyed. We’re at work!
“Relax. There are customers here,” Peyton said smirking. “We could go to the back alley.” Toby’s body tensed the same time mine did. It hurts to hear that. I know he’s not talking about me but I used to do that. And look where it got me. I lost a best friend because I was horny. “Shit. I’m sorry,” Peyton said reaching for me. “I didn’t…”
I turned around and busied myself with making drinks.
Be strong, Rebeckah. For me. Alice’s voice said to me.
I’m crazy so hearing my dead best friend talking to me is a perk. I will always want to hear her. It makes me feel like she’s close.
Here.
Alive.