- 8 -
It took four hours thirty-nine minutes and sixteen seconds for my world to crash and burn again. I’m in my writing class and staring at my bright laptop screen made me think about things.
I am so screwed up in the head that the moment my eyes landed on Logan and we talked last night, my mind decided that I won’t kill myself. You’d think that’s okay because I’m not thinking of jumping off buildings or throwing myself off the train tracks. But it’s fucked up. Because I’m fucked up.
My mind is using him.
He is the first person that isn’t a Lennox that knows about my problem. And we had sex.
See the problem?
I’m not thinking of killing myself because of a guy.
God, I am so fucked.
I can’t do that to him. Or anyone. No one should have to be used as my crutch so I can live. I should want to live.
I opened up a new word document and stared at the blinking cursor. What do you want to do, Rebeckah? I thought. My fingers ran over the keys and when I looked up at the screen, my body deflated.
I want to
I can’t even answer that f-ucking question.
I wish life was easy. I wish my life was easy.
I packed my things away and slipped out of class. I can’t do this right now. I need to see my family. I’ll catch up on what I need to do later. First, I need to head home and see everyone. Second, I need to eat a f-ucking sandwich or something that I’m used to and third, I have to stop feeling like shit and man up. I have to move past these nightmares. They are killing me. Not as fast as I want but they’re killing me.
I walked toward the train station and zoned out until I got home. No one was there so I took a shower and made some food. Matty and Kelsey don’t leave school for another hour and Dad’s at work so I’m lonely. I would call Jacky or Remy but they have work too. Or they’re home going at it like rabbits.
I decided to crash on the couch until someone shows up. I just got comfortable as the doorbell rang.
“Are you f-ucking kidding me?” I mumbled.
I got up and walked over to the door.
You can say my mouth met the floor when I saw my mom standing outside. She looked past me and frowned.
“Is your dad home?” she asked.
Nice to see you too.
“No,” I said. “Work…just like every day.” She should know. She did live here for a long time. Mom’s eyes shot to mine and she scowled at me. Wow.
“Kelsey?” she asked.
“School.”
Her blue eyes landed on my arms and I saw her cringe. I know the sight of me is repulsive. She told Jacky that last year over the phone. I was standing right there when she said it. Jacky’s eyes were the widest I’ve ever seen then she took Mom off speaker and walked into another room. It didn’t matter though. I heard it.
“I’ll come back later,” Mom said turning around and walking down the pathway toward her car.
The young girl in me wanted to call out to her and ask if she wanted to do anything but those days are gone. Vanished. Never going to happen. She hates me.
“Diana,” I called out. “Next time call.”
I closed the door and headed back to the couch where I watched reruns of some stupid MTV show. Seriously, reality TV sucks now. What happened to MTV having good shows? And why does everyone have huge fake b-reasts and an annoying voice?
The front door opened and the noise of two younger siblings plus an annoying friend filled up the silence. Kelsey spotted me first.
“Keep Finn outside,” she said smiling wide. “Why didn’t you come home last night? I didn’t get to tell you about my first day.” She pulled me into a tight hug. I tensed when I felt how thin she is.
She’ll get better.
She’ll get better.
“Holy shit, baby girl,” Finn said eyeing me. “Did you want to give me a heart attack? Sleepover with Aimee, my ass. She was with some guy all night.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “How do you know?”
“Twitter,” Matty said shaking his head. “These two stalked her to know what you were up to. I’m guessing the only time you saw her was during the party at Logan’s.”
Kill. Me. Now.
No, not now. Not in front of my family.
“Details,” Kelsey said hopping onto the couch.
So I told her. Everything minus the sex of course.
She told me about school and how she talked to Micha recently. Her big news is that he’s going to get a transplant in a few days. I really don’t want to think about it because that means someone has to die and I only want to think about my death. Not some stranger’s.
“Birdie!” Dad said walking into the house. “Nice to see you’re alive.” I saw him regret saying that as soon as the words left his mouth. He doesn’t know about last night. He’s talking about when he found me in the bathroom. “So, let’s eat before you have to go to work.”
All of us walked into the kitchen and helped him cook something fast. Jacky and Remy showed up five minutes later. And now that Jacky and I are both here with Finn, he let the flirting out. Apparently Gabriella doesn’t mind the constant flirting because 1) Finn will never get with us and 2) She will cut off his penis if he even tries to touch us. She’s a smart girl.
Dad, Matty and Remy were sharing weird looks the whole time we were eating and since no one else noticed it, I spoke up.
“What’s wrong with you three?” I asked.
“Nothing!” they all said at the same time.
Everyone stopped eating and stared at each other.
Yeah, nothing my ass.
Then all three of them started pulling words out of their asses, making me more suspicious.
“O-kay,” I said standing up. “You guys can speak gibberish without me. I should start heading to work so–”
“No!” Remy said snatching my arm and holding me down. He seemed so off that I couldn’t speak. “Um…” He cleared his throat and let me go. “Stay. Five more minutes.”
“Okay…” Jacky said, eyeing us with a weird look. “That is not weird at all.” I glanced at her. “What is going on?” she asked Remy.
All eyes were on Remy now as he stared at Jacky. It looks bad! Like really really bad.
“Are you breaking up with me?” she asked, her voice cracking. “In front of my family.” Shit. I will literally beat the crap out of him if he does. “Where am I going to live?”
“No, Jacky,” Remy said standing up and walking over to her. “That’s not it.” He’s tensing. And he looks nervous.
“This isn’t any of my business but if you say that you cheated on her, I will cut off your balls right now,” I said. Remy glanced at me and he gulped. Oh, shit. It’s bad.
“You f-ucking asshole!” Jacky said backing away from him. “Ohmygod. This is not happening.”
I reached across the kitchen counter and pulled out a knife from the knife block. I warned him. I love the guy like family but if he hurts my sister, he’s dead. Or his future is anyways.
“Whoa!” Matty said grabbing my hand. “There’s no need for that. Put it down.” Hell no!
Jacky is full on crying now as Remy talks to her.
Dad got involved.
And then I heard it.
“I want you to marry me.”
The whole house went silent and Jacky sniffled.
“What?” she sobbed.
Oh. My. God.
I glanced at Matty and he was smiling at me as I set the knife down. I glanced at Dad and he’s smiling. Then Remy. He’s not sure what emotion to show right now.
“I f-ucking love you, Jacky,” Remy said wiping her eyes. “I’d never hurt you. You’re my life. You are the only girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, have kids with, grow old with. I want you to be my wife.”
Everyone talked at the same time.
“Aww!” Kelsey squealed.
“f-uck me,” Finn said frowning.
“Shit,” I said.
“Finally,” Matty and Dad said.
Then Remy asked the question he should have asked years ago. “Will you marry me?” And he pulled out a diamond ring.
Jacky attacked him. She full on jumped on him and sent him flying into the counter but he never let her go.
“Yes! Yes, I’ll f-ucking marry you!” she screamed.
After she was done squealing like a little girl after twisting her hand in different angles to see the ring, Remy put her down and she wiped her face, trying to look pretty. If only Jacky knew that she’s always pretty.
“You were really going to castrate me?” Remy breathed, glancing at me.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t know this was happening.” I f-ucking ruined the proposal. Instead of having a happy Jacky, I made her doubt Remy and we got a crying Jacky. “You get to keep your balls now,” I said walking over to him. “Jacky wants babies.” I hugged him tight and said I was sorry about the almost castration.
“Alright Mr. and Mrs. Carter, I have to leave you at this special time to go work,” I said. “I’ll see you later. Go have sex or something.”
“Birdie. Please. I’m standing right here,” Dad said.
We all got into the sex talk, making Dad turn redder.
“What about you and Logan?” Jacky asked before I could head out of the kitchen. Dammit. I should have known she would bring that up.
“What?” Finn asked. “There’s a you and Logan?”
No there isn’t a me and Logan. Not yet, I mean. We did say we’d try this out. So what are we?
“No,” I said. “We’re just friends.” Friends that have sex. Freaking yummy, delicious, hot sex.
“Are you sure?” Jacky asked staring hard at me. “You two seemed pretty–”
“How small is that diamond?” I asked. Her eyes dropped to her ring and she examined it. I gave Remy an I’m-sorry shrug and I slipped out of the kitchen. Her ring isn’t small. But Jacky is a girl and she loves big things. I think in her mind, her ring should be the size of an orange.
I grabbed my purse and Dad’s keys.
“Be back before midnight,” I called out.
“I love you too!” Finn said back.
I laughed and headed out.
Man, that guy is cute. And annoying. His birthday is next Monday and I don’t know what to get him. Maybe a picture of me naked and ‘I love you’ written on the bottom.
Yeah f-ucking right.
In his dreams.
Shit. Maybe in his dreams that is exactly what he pictures. Ha. Who am I kidding? In his dreams he is having sex with me. That’s better than a picture.
I drove over to the bar and started serving drinks. Peyton only asked me once what was up yesterday and I made up some shit about having an upset stomach. He nodded and said he hopes I feel better.
I hope so too.
It was around ten-thirty when the place got crowded and my eyes landed on a crowd of people walking in. It was Aimee, Caleb, Logan, Darren, Kevin and three of the guys that I see sitting with him in the dining hall.
I’m not embarrassed of working here but I do have a problem showing off my arms to people I go to school with. I don’t want them to see that I cut myself. That I’m crazy. Suicidal.
A long whistle broke through the loud noise and my head turned in the direction.
Dammit.
Jonathon’s here.
And he’s here with his cousin, Victor, and some other guy who I can’t see. He’s waiting at a table near the back of the… Wait a second…shit. I really hope that name is just used more than it should be because it’ll be weird if he’s the same Victor that is trashing Aimee’s name.
“I didn’t know you worked here,” Jon said leaning on the bar. His green eyes took me in and he smiled. I also noticed he’s kind of tipsy. “When do you get off?” Apparently running out of his room in the summer is no longer etched in his mind. I still remember how he looked at me. Like I was some crazy animal with a disease.
“Hey,” Logan said giving me a smile that could melt my insides. “We’re–” He glanced at Jon and his whole body language changed. Shit. Yup. He’s that Victor’s cousin. “Where’s that asshole cousin of yours?”
“Sitting somewhere,” Jon said waving him off. “So…when do you get off?” he asked looking back at me.
Logan’s eyebrow shot up as he glanced at me. The is-he-serious look was priceless. Then he waved me over with two fingers so I followed. I should feel like a dog with that. All I need is the whistle.
Stop trying to see something bad it in. He’s a good guy.
“What do you guys want?” I asked him. “Pitcher of–”
Logan leaned in even more and pulled me toward him. The fact that there is a counter in-between us didn’t stop him from kissing me. Hard.
“Hey, none of that when she’s working,” Peyton said pulling me away and pointing a finger at Logan. “You should know better.” He should.
Logan smiled and licked his lips as he ordered a pitcher of beer and some shots. My mind wasn’t working properly so I stood there for a few seconds trying to remember how to grab a pitcher. And fill it up.
He kissed me.
And not because he wanted to.
He was marking his territory.
Don’t f-uck it up, Rebeckah. He just saved you from being hit on by Jon. And he probably saved you from making a stupid decision like going out back with Jon. And it’s not to take out the trash. You know you would have been tempted.
“Come on, we have a line,” Peyton said lifting the part of the bar so I can leave and hand out drinks. We can’t enter the bar this way because there’s a lock near the middle and it’s impossible to reach from the other side of the counter. Tim wants his employees (most importantly his alcohol) safe. I understand that.
I passed out drinks, grabbed more, handed them out and then grabbed Logan’s shots and pitcher. I move around pretty fast so they weren’t waiting too long.
Aimee looked uncomfortable when I got to their table and I noticed it’s because they’re sitting at a table that is maybe five feet away from Jon, Victor and the other guy. I recognized him immediately. He’s Jon’s younger brother, Adam. Huh, he must have turned twenty-one recently.
“I can kick them out,” I said to Aimee.
She looked up at me and smiled. “I’m fine. Thanks. Now slide over the drinks.”
“Rebeckah, can you bring more cups?” Kevin asked. It’s not lost on me how good he looks right now. And his damn eyes. Dammit! But he’s not giving me his f-uck-me eyes or pulling me out back. He knows about me and Logan. Me and Logan. Wow…there is a me and Logan.
The other three guys nodded at me. Those three have been looking at me like I am the sun. I think it has to do with the fact that I didn’t let Kevin embarrass me with the whole underwear thing. I know he’s done it before and I can only imagine how the girls react after it.
“This is Max, Juan and Shaun,” Darren shouted to be heard over the noise as he pointed at each one. Max is a big guy, probably a football player back in high school. He has shaggy brown hair and brown eyes. He’s cute. They all are. Juan is big too but it looks like the gym is his best friend at the moment. His blonde hair and blue eyes make you do a double take when you look at him because he looks too perfect. It’s like he stepped out of a magazine. And Shaun has to be the best looking dark skinned man I’ve laid eyes on. It must be the eyes that do me in. They’re sky blue just like the actor Michael Ealy. God, they are nice. But Aimee and Logan top them. Their eyes are f-ucking magical.
Darren and Logan are friends with all of these guys so Kevin comes along. It’s not awkward… Cue the crickets.
A hand slipped around my waist and a head rested on my shoulder. “It’s been what…four years?” Adam said into my ear. Damn he smells like straight up alcohol. Didn’t they just come in? “And you look the same.” I slipped out of his grasp and held him at arms length.
“I think you should eat something,” I said. “And stop drinking.” He’s not a bad guy. He was always nice when we passed each other in the halls and he was always telling Jon to get with me but it never worked. Back in high school, I kind of didn’t date. Seeing my parents’ marriage crumble kind of pushed me away from relationships.
He took a step back and stumbled so I grabbed him with the help of Caleb standing up and grabbing his arm. “I think it’s good if he goes home,” he said.
“No,” Adam pouted. He stretched his arms out and pulled me into him. He wasn’t groping me or anything, he just hugged me. “I’m glad you’re back,” he slurred. “They didn’t hurt you.”
I was about to ask what he meant when Jon walked over and pulled his brother off me. “Come on,” he said. “You’re past shitfaced.”
“They didn’t hurt her,” Adam murmured to Jon. “Isn’t that good?”
“What is he talking about?” I asked Jon.
“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head. “Come on, you’re going home.” Victor appeared beside me and slipped an arm under Adam’s to hold him up.
“Wait,” I grabbed Jon’s arm and turned him around. “Did you drive here?” He nodded. “You’re drunk.” I glanced at Victor and his green eyes look glassy too. “You’re all drunk.” Goddammit. I checked my phone. I get off in ten. I sighed because I know that I should be the good neighbor. “I’ll drive you home. Wait for me outside.”
I walked over to the bar and caught Peyton up to speed. Ten minutes isn’t that long so I was free to go. I grabbed my things and slipped out. I don’t need Logan getting all territorial again.
I walked over to the guys just in time to see and hear Adam puking near a tree. I waited until he was done then walked over to them.
“Lightweight,” I said shaking my head. “We’re taking your car. I’m not getting my dad’s dirty with vomit.”
Victor handed me his keys and I stared at him harder than necessary. We don’t know each other like Jon and I do but Victor did go to high school with us and he sometimes hung out with the group of people I did but aside from that, we’re complete strangers. And this is the asshole who broke Aimee apart. But she’s happy now. I can see it.
“Don’t look at me like that. I didn’t talk to you because you’re friends with her,” he said. “And my ex hates you.”
“Ex?” I asked.
“Valerie,” he said as we walked over to the car. “She’s a pain in my ass so we just broke it off.”
Haha. You can say that again.
“You left Aimee for that,” I said.
His eyes locked on me and he frowned.
“Sometimes people do stupid shit, Rebeckah.”
“I don’t feel good,” Adam moaned.
I opened the door for him to get in the backseat. “Hold it in,” I said. “You’ll be home in twenty.” Hopefully.
Jon got in the back with Adam, and Victor sat upfront.
“Does she talk about me?” he asked staring at his lap while I drove. When I didn’t answer, he looked up and waited.
“Used to,” I said. “And it wasn’t anything good.”
I saw him nod and stare out of the window.
“So…” I said biting my lip. Should I ask? Aimee didn’t tell me. Maybe I shouldn’t. Oh, come on. They’re already broken up. “What did you do?”
“Cheated on her,” Jon said from the backseat. “With Valerie.”
“Wow,” I said shaking my head at him.
“Hey, I broke up with her soon after,” Victor said trying to justify his actions. “Then she started crying and asking why it was happening and I just told her. I feel like shit, okay. I don’t know why I started dating Valerie.”
“Because she has a vagina,” I stated. The car got quiet because I’m right. Victor dumped his girlfriend, the girl that was named his soulmate, and he was lonely so he went to the first piece of ass that would take him. The girl he fucked that fucked everything up.
“Why did you come back?” Victor asked glancing at me. “You never came back for more than a few days unless it was the summer and you lost touch with everyone.” He glanced in the side mirror and I know it’s because he’s trying to look at Jon. Shit. Did Jon get all emotional when I left? f-uck…did he have feelings for me? We hung out a few times and did make out at parties but we never really had sex. Sure, I blew him and he went down on me a few times but I always ended it before the condom came out.
I looked in the rearview mirror and Jon’s eyes found mine. “You could have chosen a different city,” he said.
My eyes went back to the road and I held back the tears. I could have chosen a different city. I could have chosen hell. But I had to come back for Kelsey. And then all I thought about was Alice. And I wanted to die.
Why did I come back? I should have killed myself when Alice died. I wouldn’t have gotten Dad’s call telling me to come home because there’s an emergency. I wouldn’t have told him that I have to wait a few days because my best friend is dead. Then I wouldn’t have had him tell me he’s sorry and he understands but I needed to know that Kelsey is sick. That made me stick around longer than necessary. I lived longer because of Kelsey.
“Kelsey is sick,” I said softly. “I had to come back.”
“I’m sorry,” Jon said reaching forward and grabbing my shoulder. “I didn’t know.” No one knows.
I wiped my eyes, sniffled and focused on the road.
“Home yet?” Adam slurred in the back seat.
“Almost,” all three of us said.
When I got to Jon’s place, we took Adam out of the car and walked into the house. It was dark and quiet; Jon’s parents are sleeping upstairs. They have work in the morning, their bedtime is nine.
“Are you going back to the dorms?” I whispered to Victor. “I can drive you.” I am driving his car.
“Nah, I’ll crash here,” he slurred. “Thanks.”
I needed to help Jon bring these two upstairs and into separate beds. I’m so f-ucking nice. “I’ll walk you home,” Jon said.
“No, don’t be an idiot. It’s just a waste of time for you to walk back and forth. And I live two minutes away,” I said.
“It’s dark out and there are crazy people out there.”
“Okay...”
“Becka, I know what happened in Seattle.”
I didn’t know my body could deflate as fast as it did. How does he know? Who told him? Why is telling me this? f-uck, who told him?!
“Adam was bored so he checked you out on the internet,” Jon said. “He found the article.”
I turned my back to him and started walking down the stairs. I can’t do this. It’s out there. I never looked online but I didn’t think it’d be out in the open. I thought Alice’s parents would take care of it. I guess they want the whole world to know how disgusting and worthless I am.
“Rebeckah,” Jon ran down the stairs quietly and grabbed my arm. “He didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t tell anyone,” he said in a soft whisper. “Going through something like that is hard so I get if you’re upset but just know we won’t talk about it.”
I feel myself giving up.
Thinking about it. It drains me.
“If you want to talk, I’m here,” he said.
Why do people care? If I talk, I mean. Why do I have to talk about it? Get over it? Stop feeling the way I do when I think about it?
Why can’t it just be something I know and live with? Something that tears me apart and only me. I don’t want other people to know. Because they’ll hate me. Just like everyone back in Seattle does. Just like Alice’s family does.
“Make sure to check on A,” I said turning on my heel. “In case he throws up again.”
I walked out of the house and made my feet move in front of the other until I was home. I’ll have to get up super early to get the car but I don’t mind. I doubt I’ll be sleeping tonight because I know that if I close my eyes, I’ll see it.
And I’ll lose my mind.