“Okay…” Alice said placing her wallet on the table. “Start with drinks.”
Kenneth pulled his chair in to be closer to Alice and then we ordered drinks. It wasn’t lost on me that Kenneth had his hand up Alice’s dress the whole time. The way her fingers grabbed the table was a tell.
Jared wasn’t like Kenneth. We only brushed fingers as we traded drinks and grabbed chips and salsa. He sat close to me but he didn’t get grabby.
I kind of liked that.
But at the same time, I was here to get laid.
“Do you smoke?” I asked him.
He leaned into me to be heard over the music and said yes. I then asked him if he wanted to head out back and have a cigarette. That’s how we ended up in the alley. And we didn’t smoke.
I was adjusting my dress when the restaurant door swung open and an employee walked out. He took one look at us and shook his head.
“You can’t be back here,” he said. “And there are cameras.” f-uck. Now the owner of this place will witness me having amazing sex against a brick wall with a perfect stranger. Eh, he might get off on it. And it’s dark out, he might not see everything. Well there is a light coming off the building…
“Let’s head out,” Jared said taking my hand. “Your friend can stay with Kenny.”
“No, I’m sorry,” I said slipping my hand out of his. “We have to be somewhere later so we’re leaving together.” Lie. That’s just our excuse for not bringing them home or for us to get trapped into staying with them.
His mouth twitched then he nodded.
“Okay,” he said.
The employee held the door open as we walked back into the restaurant. I know his eyes are locked on my ass because I heard the short intake of breath as I passed him. This dress is way too short. I blame Alice.
Jared and I headed to the table and Alice was giving me the look telling me we need to talk about my twenty minute smoke break.
She glanced at Kenneth and gave him one of her seductive looks. No one ever says no when they get that look. She stood up and said she was going to the bathroom. Alice winked at me as she turned. Yeah, she’s using the bathroom.
“I should go too,” Kenneth said clearing his throat.
I checked my phone as Kenneth stood up and I saw I had a text from Kelsey. She wants to talk to me about something. And it’s important. Well, I can’t just leave Jared here by himself so I put my phone away and used my charm on him.
Ten minutes later, my phone vibrated. I wanted to ignore it but it could be Kelsey. She did say it was important.
“I’m sorry,” I said to Jared as I took out my phone.
My brows furrowed when it was from Alice. She texted me telling me to meet her at the car. Seeing as we came in a taxi, I was confused. I replied with a question mark. She never responded so I called but she didn’t pick up either.
“Everything okay?” Jared asked, looking up at me.
“Yeah…um…I have to go.”
“Oh,” Jared said standing up. “I’ll get the check. Don’t worry about it.”
I dug in my purse for some twenties but seeing as I’m broke as f-uck, I only had a twenty and a five. Damn, I should have not bought pizza last night. My bank account has barely enough to buy a fountain drink from McDonald’s so I feel like shit now.
“Um…this is all I have on me,” I said handing it to him.
“It’s fine. Go,” he said standing up. “I got it.”
“Thank you,” I said squeezing his arm.
He smiled and walked to the front of the restaurant where he paid and headed out. I was going to head out but some asshole was blocking my path so I turned in a different direction and headed toward the back where Jared and I left from awhile back.
The bathrooms are this way so I decided to go pee real quick. Alice can wait. She didn’t even come back and pay for her drinks and food, and she made me look a bitch. A broke bitch.
The ladies bathroom was packed with people so I knocked on the men’s door. I hit my forehead when I realized the noise is too loud to be heard over.
I walked in and passed a few stalls that could be cleaned better and I’m pretty sure there is a condom handing off one side of a toilet.
I got to the last stall and pushed it open.
That’s when I lost it.
I screamed and dropped to my knees as my mind let in what was happening right in front of me.
My eyes snapped open.
For the first time in six months, I didn’t wake up scratching my skin off and causing myself to bleed. Or in a panic. Sweating. Scared.
Maybe it’s because I’m trapped against a wall and a hard body. Who the f-uck… I turned and froze as I stared at Logan. His blue eyes are on me and his arm is wrapped around me to the point that I can’t jump out of bed. I looked around and I’m in his dorm. In his bed. With him right beside me.
“I have no idea what is going on with you but you f-ucking scared me a few hours ago,” Logan said with a serious face. “I was talking to you but you didn’t hear a word I said. I didn’t know what to do. I debated tying you up to the bed but that seemed wrong so I just got in with you. I didn’t know if you’d leave and do something.”
Like kill myself.
My eyes dropped to his chest and closed altogether. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be alive. I’m just done with everything.
“What time is it?” I whispered.
“Five something,” Logan said rubbing my arm up and down softly. “You were kicking in your sleep but I thought it’d be fucked up if I woke you up.”
“Did I say anything?” I asked softly.
“No but you did scream or groan. I’m not sure which.”
I let my body go limp as I tried to think of something to do. I should go home. I should tell Dad it’s happening again. Maybe I should go to the mental hospital and be put on drugs.
I didn’t go home last night so…
f-uck. Last night. Logan.
“I have to go,” I said, trying to sit up but Logan held me down.
“I can drive you anywhere,” he said.
I opened my eyes and looked at him.
“Please don’t feel pressured into watching me,” I said. “You really don’t have to. I just need to get out of here.”
“Rebeckah, I don’t have to. I want to.”
“You just feel sorry for me. I’m sorry to disappoint but that’s all I’m good at.”
“Hey.” He caressed my cheek as he stared into my eyes like he was trying to get into my soul. “If you’re talking about last night then don’t worry about it. Shit happens.”
“You know I’m fucked up. Any sane person sees it.”
“You’re not fucked up.” I raised an eyebrow. What else would someone call it then? High on life? f-ucking shitting rainbows? I don’t f-ucking know, I’m making shit up to see if anything works. “Okay, you’re a little bit fucked up.” That’s it. “But so is everyone else.”
“Normal people don’t think of ways to off themselves as many times as I do,” I said. Shit. That wasn’t supposed to be said out loud. I found Logan staring at me again.
“Can you tell me what happened last night?” he asked. It wasn’t in a what-the-f-uck-is-wrong-with-you kind of way. It was in a I-really-want-to-know-because-I-was-f-ucking-worried-shitless way. And that really got to me.
“The truth?” I asked. This guy knows more about me than anyone here at this school. He knows the main shit going on with me. He knows I want to commit suicide. On a regular basis.
“Yeah.” His eyes took in my face and I wanted to disappear.
“You won’t talk to me afterwards,” I said softly. “I’ll just be another notch on your headboard.” That’s exactly what I am to other guys. To Keller–Kevin. But I didn’t know his name. I wouldn’t care if he didn’t talk to me afterwards. I know Logan. I see him every day. And having sex would change things. It’ll be awkward. “And I know your name.”
“I really don’t understand that,” he said, brows furrowing.
“I know too much about you for it to be a one time thing.” Well, I don’t know that much but I know more than I do about my other hook-ups.
Logan propped himself up on his elbow. “Then it doesn’t have to be a one time thing.”
Ohmygod.
“No,” I said. “We are not going there. I am–”
“I’ve been all in since the first day I met you. Even when you kneed me in the balls. Why can’t we give it a shot?” he asked, dead serious. I thought he hated me… I was fooled!
“Logan,” I deadpanned. “I’m f-ucking suicidal.”
We stared at each other for awhile. I can’t believe I said that out loud. And to someone other than my own family.
“Not to sound like a prick or anything but I think I can help you with that,” he said. “Look at yesterday.” True. And this morning. I didn’t lash out or do anything. I think he’s good for me. He’s helping me. But what if I take more than he gives? I’ll ruin his life. He’ll hate me.
“You really want to do this?” I asked. “Don’t do it because you want to save me. Do it because you want to.”
Logan smiled and it reached his eyes. Those are always the truest smiles. You can’t fake those. “I want to do this.”
“You know I’m crazy,” I said, staring at the bed.
“Just a little bit,” he said leaning into me.
I buried my face into his chest and said, “Morning breath.”
“Oh, f-uck me. I don’t care,” he said tilting my chin up and pressing his lips against mine.
“Did you just say f-uck me?” I asked pulling back. “Because we may just be starting this thing out but we do have something pending from last night.”
We’re rushing into things. Sometimes waiting isn’t worth it. Especially if one of the two parties doesn’t see a future for herself. Time is the enemy. I have to make it my friend.
“We don’t have to do this right now,” Logan said. “I don’t want you running out again.”
I pushed him on his back and straddled his lap.
“You won’t ignore me?” I asked. Because I might freak. I might run. I’m f-ucking psycho! I won’t blame him if he has sex with me then leaves me out to dry.
“Rebeckah, who the f-uck can ignore you?” he asked. “You are constantly on my mind and I have to use my sister just to be near you. For some reason, you hate me.”
I ended up falling on his chest as we laughed.
We’re so strange.
When I calmed down, I unbuttoned his jeans slowly. I really hope this works. I have to see if I can do this. If I can’t then there’s no point in going farther with him. I’ll just be stringing him along and it’s not fair.
I left him in his boxers as I stripped my clothes off. I need to go slow. If I go too fast, my mind might play tricks on me again and it won’t end well.
Six o’clock came around and we didn’t get out of bed.
Seven…same.
I didn’t want to move. And Logan didn’t want to leave.
We didn’t have non-stop sex if that’s what you’re wondering. We had sex though. f-ucking slow, rough mind-blowing sex and when it was over, we just laid in bed smiling like fools.
“Okay…my girlfriend is coming over in twenty so you need to leave,” Logan said sitting up after reading something on his phone.
My smiled vanished and everything I just thought about went crashing and burning. I was about to flip when Logan cracked a smile and pulled me back under the blankets.
“I’m sorry. I just had to,” he said nuzzling his way to my neck and nipping skin. “That was Aimee and she wants to know why you’re not in class.”
“Why did she ask you?” I asked. They share everything but I made him promise not to tell her the shit we do or will do. That’s just f-ucking weird. And besides…girls tell girls things. Well, I don’t think I can tell Aimee about having sex with her brother but if it comes out, it’ll be from me. Logan can talk to someone else. Preferably a guy.
“Because I told her you didn’t leave,” Darren’s voice rang out. I screamed like a bitch as I stuck my head out from under the covers and glanced toward the bathroom.
“Darren, get the f-uck out!” Logan said throwing a pillow at him. “And f-ucking knock!”
“You stole my nurse. Expect me to make you pay,” Darren said walking back into the bathroom, whistling. “Oh, and I saw nipple, Rebeckah.”
I looked down and covered myself up even more. God, I thought people in college had privacy. Apparently the people who don’t have Darren as a roommate do.
“I have to go to class. I skipped yesterday,” I said sitting up.
“Why did you?”
“My sister was starting her first day of high school. I didn’t want to miss it.”
“It’s October,” Logan said furrowing his brows.
I almost started to panic. I don’t like to tell people my life story or my family’s life story. I’m a private person. I like it that way. But Jacky did tell me to talk to someone. She was talking about the most important thing but I have to start out small, right?
“Um…Kelsey has leukemia so she had to miss the first month,” I said, looking at anything other than Logan. “Treatment.” Dammit, am I going to cry? What the hell is wrong with me? I usually don’t cry this much anymore.
“Oh…I’m sorry,” Logan said sitting up. “Is she…”
“It’s curable,” I said grabbing my clothes off the floor. “We’re just hoping it doesn’t come back after.” First it needs to get the f-uck out of her. I want my sister healthy and strong. I want my sister to live.
“Damn. How old is she?”
“Fourteen.”
Logan turned me around so we were facing each other. I felt his fingers touch my face and as much as I wanted to pull away and stop feeling, I couldn’t. I have to stop doing that. I leaned into him and closed my eyes.
I have to be strong.
I have to want to live.
Look at Kelsey. She is fighting for her life and I’m not giving a shit about mine. I’m the worst sister ever. Stop trying to kill yourself. I thought.
I really wish it were that simple. But I’ll try.
I pulled away from Logan and got dressed. I texted Jacky and asked if she could bring me some clothes. She didn’t head out to work yet so she said it was fine.
Logan is still hovering over me to make sure I don’t make a break for it while he takes a shower so he keeps talking to me. If I take more than five seconds to answer, he pops his head out of the shower curtain and I always laugh.
I know he’s just looking out for me but at the same time, I feel like I’m dragging him into my shit storm of a life. No one deserves that.
“For a man, you take a long f-ucking shower.”
“That’s because I like to smell good.”
He tastes good too. I can stare and lick him all day and I’ll be happy. I won’t have any thoughts…well except for what we can do when clothes come off.
“I have to go downstairs,” I sighed. “You’re taking too long.” He popped his head out from behind the curtain again but I pushed him back in and told him to hurry up. I grabbed my things and headed out.
Jacky will be here any minute and I don’t want to keep her waiting. I headed outside, waiting on a concrete block surrounding the building. I like how I can hide behind my sweater. It’s cold out so I don’t look like an idiot. Not like I care though. People just walk by. They don’t stare. They don’t know.
A warm body slid onto the concrete block I’m on and got my attention. He smells f-ucking yummy. I looked to my right and bit my lip to stop myself from smiling. He got down here pretty quickly. I guess not knowing if I threw myself down the stairs was bothering him.
“Surprised to see I’m still alive?” I asked softly.
Logan didn’t comment on that. Instead, he slipped his fingers through mine and kept my hand warm.
“You’re going to miss class,” I said staring at our hands. It’s weird. I wanted to punch this guy and basically kill him but now I’m holding his hand and having sex with him. I’m still confused on how that happened.
“I don’t think you understand that I’m a stalker,” Logan said. “My job is to keep an eye on you at all times. Even if that means being late for class.” I would have believed that was true if he didn’t break into a smile.
A car pulled up and I saw Jacky getting out of the car with a purse stuffed with clothes. Jesus, am I going away for a month? This chick always goes overboard. “You have to come home tonight,” she said walking over to me. “Kelsey has news.” Her eyes flicked to Logan and she stopped. “Logan,” she said, her eyes dropping to our hands.
My brows furrowed as I glanced at Logan then Jacky.
“You know him?” I asked. There was a long pause as Jacky glanced between us. “Jacky?”
“Hm, right. Matty told me about him. Blue eyes. Tall. Looks like that,” she said waving her hand around Logan’s body.
I nodded. That makes sense. Seeing as how Jacky never met Logan, I wouldn’t have understood how she knew him.
Damn.
Then it dawned on me. Logan is right here. Holding my hand. In front of Jacky.
“Uh…this is my sister Jacqueline,” I said, awkwardly. “Jacky, Logan.” They said hi and Jacky stood there, staring at him like she wanted to attack him. Not sexually but physically. “So…” I said. “Thanks for the clothes.”
Jacky took her eyes off Logan and glanced at me.
“Yeah. No problem,” she said pulling me into a hug. “Come home before work.”
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. You know how Kels gets.”
I don’t know what it is but something is off about her. I think it’s her voice or the way she’s hugging me but I can’t place it.
“Okay,” I said pulling away from her.
She walked over to her car and gave me a weird smile.
When she drove away, I dug around in the purse and saw what clothes she brought me. “Alright, I have to go,” I said looking up at Logan. I stopped moving when I saw the look on his face. He looks like he saw a ghost. “Something wrong?”
“Hm…no,” Logan said standing up. “Cold. That’s it.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
I looked around for some random girl that he might have seen but there wasn’t anyone. Okay…
We headed to our classes and when my first one was over, I headed to the bathroom and changed into clean clothes. Aimee was all smiles and I-told-you-so was written all over her face. She got what she wanted.
I slept with her brother.