- 13 -
Mom’s gone.
I know I should feel something. Pain, loss, hurt. But I feel nothing. And I know it’s not normal. I just lost my mother. The person who brought me into this world. The person who hates me. Hated me.
I’m worried about Kelsey.
That’s what my mind is focusing on.
Mom decided to bring Kelsey to the mall. I guess the fact that it was snowing hard didn’t change her mind. I guess driving too fast wasn’t bothering her. And I guess not stopping as a truck drove past was the right thing to do. She put Kelsey into the hospital. Not the leukemia or tests. Mom did. She was driving recklessly and didn’t care about the safety of her child. Of my sister!
Because of her, we almost lost Kelsey.
“Mr. Lennox, you can see her now,” a nurse said.
Dad got up and followed her to where Kelsey is. I know we’ll get to see her later. At least right now, we know she’s going to be fine. She has a broken arm from the impact and the doctor said she’ll have some bruising around her chest because of the seatbelt. They want her to stay for a few days because she is weaker from the cancer and she might have some problems later.
I glanced at Victor who didn’t leave yet and then I turned my eyes on Mom’s boyfriend for awhile until he looked up and found my eyes. “What are you still doing here?” I asked him. He’s just sitting there, wiping his eyes and staring off into space. “She’s dead. She’s not going to walk out of those doors and f-uck you later.”
“Becky,” Matty said grabbing my hand.
“What? It doesn’t make any sense,” I said. “Go home.”
“Home?” Richard or Ronnie asked. “Diana is gone. Why would I want to be home?”
“I don’t f-ucking care,” I snapped. Just f-ucking go!
“Becka,” Jacky said giving me a look. Remy is beside her, squeezing her hand and I know it’s to keep her from attacking me. I’m being rude and she wants me to stop.
“Then go to your parents’ house,” I said. “You lived with her for a year and half. You weren’t that important.”
“I could say the same for you,” he snapped.
“Get the f-uck out,” I growled.
We had an intense staring competition until he got up and walked out. That’s what I thought. He doesn’t deserve to be here. His girlfriend almost killed my sister. He can f-ucking leave.
“What the f-uck is wrong with you?” Matty asked.
“He doesn’t need to be here,” I said matter-of-factly. “She’s gone.”
“She was our mother, Rebeckah!” he yelled as he stood up. I flinched. He never calls me Rebeckah and he never yells at me. “How fucked up can you be that you don’t care?!”
“Matty, stop,” Remy said sitting up straighter, reaching for my brother.
“We’re trying to help you but it’s obviously not working,” he said shaking his head at me. “We lost you the same day you lost Alice. You’re nobody to us now. A stranger.” He stormed out of the room with Remy going after him.
Should that hurt right now?
I glanced at Jacky.
“Feel the same way?”
Jacky wiped her eyes as she stared at the floor.
“No,” she said. “Because unlike them, I know how Mom felt about you but you can’t talk like that around Matty or Kelsey, Becka. Mom is still their mom. She’s still my mom.”
Jacky got up and walked out of the room. I didn’t go after her. I couldn’t. Deep down I know I’m fucked up. And I know Mom’s attitude to me is why I’m the way I am.
My family loves her. And they lost her.
Just like I lost Alice.
f-uck!
Victor moved in his seat and I reached out to grab his arm. “Please don’t let me go anywhere by myself,” I said staring at the floor for a bit then finding some strength to bring my eyes back up. Tears ran down my cheeks as I looked up at him. “Because I don’t trust myself right now.” I’m falling. Falling deeper in the blackness. The end.
“Don’t trust yourself how?” Victor asked.
I closed my eyes and tried not to think about it.
“Staying alive,” I said.
***
Dad came by thirty minutes later and said Kelsey isn’t in the right place to see me. She knows about Mom and she thinks it’s her fault. She asked to go to the mall. Mom went to get her.
Everyone else stayed as I walked out of the hospital with Victor. I don’t deserve to be there. Everyone cares about Mom and I’m just ruining the mood.
Worst Daughter Ever award goes to Rebeckah Lennox.
The roads are shitty but Victor’s a good driver and the 4x4 helps. He was about to drop me off at my dad’s place when he remembered that I shouldn’t be left alone and asked if I wanted to go to Logan’s.
Logan’s is the last place on my mind.
People are the last thing on my mind.
“It wouldn’t be weird if I stayed with you for a bit, would it?” Victor asked walking into the house with me. We actually started hanging out more since I reconnected with Jon and Adam again. We just don’t do it in front of Aimee. She hates the guy with a passion so it wouldn’t be smart to hang him out to dry.
“Uh, no. I mean…the roads aren’t safe so no one will mind,” I said. Look at my dead mother. I glanced around. “And since no one is around, you’ll be fine.” Matty gets all macho when guys are over. He thinks he’s the big brother or something.
Victor came in and we sat in the kitchen, waiting for water to boil for hot chocolate. There was a long awkward silence but what can really be said at this point. We’re snowed in. My mom’s dead. I’m thinking about downing some pills because I’m really not doing any good on this world.
That doesn’t seem worthy of talking about so…
Matty was right. They did lose me the day Alice died.
“Jon was crazy in love with you,” Victor said tapping the hot chocolate mix packet against the counter. His eyes flicked up and found mine. “You were the only thing he talked about in high school.”
I drummed my fingers against the counter as I thought back to those days. Back to not thinking something was wrong with me. Back to when Mom pretended she loved me. People might say that is worse, fake love, but I actually think it’s better because she was doing something. She actually put up with me. She cared enough to fake it.
“I was the only thing he didn’t f-uck,” I said.
Victor smiled and nodded. “Yeah, my cousin was a fucker.” We laughed at the double meaning.
“Does he still feel that way?” I asked curiously.
“What way?” I raised an eyebrow at him. He knows what I’m talking about. Victor leaned on his arms even more as he let the packet fall flat near his fingers. “You were the one that got away, Becka. Of course he still feels the same way.” And women think men don’t care about emotions. They’re big softies at times. Hopefully not during sex. No one wants that. Who wants to f-uck someone and then have them burst into tears before they come?
“Why?” I asked. Victor stared at me for a while until I slipped out of the chair and poured hot water in our cups.
“Why what?” Victor asked as soon as I sat back down.
“Why did he feel something for me?”
Victor would have dropped his mug on the floor if he were standing. He literally deflated right in front of me as his mouth opened and closed.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”
“No shit. Usually people who feel worthless tend to kill themselves,” I said. My heart stopped as I heard the words leave my mouth. I looked up to find Victor’s eyes searching my face.
“That’s why you wear the sweaters,” he said softly as his eyes dropped to my hands. I curled my fingers around the mug and brought it to my lips. The soggy marshmallows slipped past my tongue and made their way down my throat while the burning hot chocolate followed. “Is that why you have no friends?” Ouch. Rub it in even more. I can handle it. “I mean...before. Before you started hanging out with the macho men and Aimee.” I smiled at that. The macho men. That’s exactly how to describe them.
“I don’t like bringing people into my life.”
“Uh…you do realize you’re dating my ex’s brother.”
“We’re not dating.” We didn’t label anything.
“Okay, f-ucking, going on dates, sneaking around for more f-ucking. You two are pretty close. You let him into your life. Well according to you, you let him into your panties and women think too much about shit so getting into your panties is like you’re going to ride off into the sunset and shit, so…” I gave him a look. “You let him into your life.”
“Because I’m a girl and my vagina took over.”
I’ve come to terms with that.
“No,” Victor said shaking his head. “It’s because you’re a girl and your heart took over.”
“Please,” I said rolling my eyes. “Don’t say that word when I’m involved.” Heart. That f-ucking word tastes bitter on my tongue.
I’m heartless. The only thing that feels anything is my lady parts. Having a heart has nothing to do with me.
“Show me your wrists,” Victor said.
“No.” What the hell.
He raised an eyebrow at me. “Why not?”
“Because.”
“Because,” he mocked, making a face. “You don’t want people to see them because you’re scared of what they’ll say, Becka. Scared. Meaning you feel something. You put up a wall but there is a crack in it waiting for someone to break through and show you there is something out there.” He held out his hand. “Show me your wrists.”
I feel like a whining baby right now. I just want to tell him to f-uck off so I can hide away in my room and squeeze Hunter to death. And maybe cry until I fall asleep.
I slid the sweater’s sleeve up and held out my arm.
“Just one?” Victor asked taking it.
“I can do the other one if you want them to match.”
Victor stared at me for a few seconds until he turned his eyes on the scar. His thumb slid over it and I saw his muscles tense. That’s pretty much what everyone does. Either that or their eyes widen in a yup-she’s-f-ucking-crazy way.
“Why did you do it?” he asked.
It was the only way to fly…
“Because my best friend was murdered, I witnessed her die and my life was falling apart,” I said pulling the sleeve back down and crossing my arms over my chest.
Victor looked up at me again. “So you thought offing yourself would fix things?” YES! Why does no one understand that?! I’M FUCKED UP! I do stupid shit that only makes sense to me!
“It seemed right at the moment!”
“And now?”
I sighed and dropped my head.
“I’m not upset over the fact that my mom is dead,” I said. “Do you think that’s normal?” I licked my lips and stared at my mug. “So yes, to answer your question, it still plays in my head. And it’s all I think about, all the time.”
“So one day you might just snap?”
“Victor, I already snapped. One day I’m going to explode and Chernobyl will look like a f-ucking walk in the park.” I rubbed my temple. He’s giving me a headache because he’s making me think about this stuff.
“You think you’re a lost cause,” he said standing up and walking over to me. He made me stand so he could steer me upstairs. I would think he’s hinting at something but he’s not like that…I mean…I hope not.
“I’m just taking up space and stealing oxygen that some other person who would enjoy life could have,” I whispered. I am a lost cause. I know that. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I just don’t care.
“Stop talking,” Victor said walking into my room. “You’re making me want to strangle you or something.” I was going to comment on that but I shut my mouth and climbed into bed. “Cuddle the bear and have happy thoughts. I’ll be right here guarding the door.” His eyes found Hunter. “Wait…is that the golden bear?” I nodded. “What the f-uck?! That fucker has cockblocked me for years. And emasculated me. How the hell did you get him?”
“Logan won him,” I said with a small smile. This bear has broken people up and left some sobbing for days. No one tries to win the bear unless they’re really stupid and don’t care. And they believe. Ugh! Logan is so stupid for winning this bear!
“Lucky bastard.”
“Would you like to spend time with him? He’s very soft to sleep with.” Victor smiled and nodded. Yup, bears make men softies too. I have to admit that’s adorable. “That involves you getting in the bed so don’t try anything. I will rip your balls off.”
“Relax,” Victor said turning off my light. “I’ll be gone in fifteen minutes.” He’s going to wait until I fall asleep, where he knows I won’t try anything on myself. Smart.
“Picture me a man,” I said. “I’ll picture you gay.”
We stayed on the edge of the bed until I fell asleep.
And Hunter was the witness that nothing happened.
***
I heard noise around me, in the distance, but I didn’t want to open my eyes. The feeling of my bed and blanket cocooning me, keeping me safe, is the main reason why. I pulled my blanket even higher and reached for Hunter. When my hand snaked around warm skin, my eyes shot open.
I was confused for a second when the blur on the opposite side of me started to come into focus. Victor…and he has my bear.
The sight is actually funny.
He is literally cuddling Hunter like a baby holds his favorite toy. But that’s my bear. And he’s in my bed.
“Hey.” I nudged his arm. He didn’t move. “Victor.” I nudged him again. He just groaned and shooed me away. Bitch. I uncurled his fingers and managed to snatch Hunter away.
When I got comfortable again, I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.
Wait…didn’t I hear noise?
I opened my eyes again and popped my head up like a seal waiting to catch a ball. Aside from Victor’s snoring, I didn’t hear anything. When I dropped my head back on my pillow, I heard Jacky’s voice. And she’s right outside my door.
“You know she’s different, Matty,” she said. “But she’s our sister and we love her. You don’t understand why she’s the way she is. Mom was a bitch. You can’t blame Becky for not showing emotion.”
“When does she ever show emotion, Jacky?” Matty said in a voice I never heard from him before. “When she’s cutting her wrists or thinking about killing herself? I honestly don’t know who that girl is anymore. She’s not the same Becky.”
Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, hearing that.
“Just stop, Matthew,” Dad said in a voice that makes us not talk back. “Becka went through so much back in Seattle. Alice’s parents blamed her for everything and they made her hate herself. She is the same Becka, only off course. I don’t give a shit if she doesn’t cry about your mother or she just doesn’t talk about it but she is your sister and you will not say shit like that again. Understood.”
He wasn’t asking. And I know Matty is nodding.
“Now get a duffel bag ready for Kelsey,” Dad said.
I heard my doorknob twist so I dropped my head and closed my eyes. I don’t want them to know I’m awake or that I’m crying. Hearing that hurts. But Dad did try to defend me.
I don’t have to look at Dad to know he’s standing in the doorway with furrowed brows as his eyes take in the extra body lying beside me. At least we’re clothed. It doesn’t look that bad.
My door closed softly and Dad’s whispers to let me sleep filled the silence. I wonder why he didn’t mention I have someone in my bed. Maybe Jacky and Matty will assume the worse and think I went back to my old ways.
When the footsteps were no longer close, I let my tense body sink into my bed. Judging by the snow from last night, I’d say classes are cancelled. And that’s why Victor is in my bed.
I can see Kelsey later. When everyone calms down.
I squeezed my eyes shut and wished that I was normal.