I was sitting in someone’s office when I saw them. Mr. and Mrs. Williams. My eyes widened when their eyes found me through the glass window. They stomped past the other officers and threw the door open, making me jump.
“Why did you let her take the wallet?” Mrs. Williams asked me. She glanced down at the oversized clothes I’m wearing; the police took mine for evidence. I still have blood on my skin because I can’t wash it off yet. They didn’t find Kenneth or Jared either and I don’t know their last names so I’m waiting for a sketch artist to show up so we can get things started. But before that, I have to do a rape kit for DNA. The thought of having sex with Jared disgusts me.
He killed my best friend. Well Kenneth did.
I don’t care if the police can’t prove it yet but they did it. The things they did make sense now. They shared looks at each other when they noticed Alice’s wallet. Jared wanted me to go outside because I said I had to but he never once asked if everything was okay. Maybe he’s a dick in real life and doesn’t care about people or he really wanted to kill me.
I wish he did.
Alice should be alive.
“Did you plan this?” Melissa growled at me.
“What? No,” I said, choking on my words. “I wouldn’t–”
“Then why are you alive?” Dolton asked.
At that moment, my already broken heart shattered to pieces and disintegrated into ash. I don’t know why I’m alive. I wish I wasn’t at this point.
“Who are they? The police said they can’t find them because they don’t know their names. First names aren’t helpful, Rebeckah. Be useful,” Melissa said curling her manicured fingers into fists.
“I don’t know their last names,” I whispered.
“But you had sex with them!” Melissa snapped.
I know! God! I didn’t know they’d kill her!
“Excuse me, you can’t be back here,” a female officer said walking into the room. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“Our daughter is dead!” Dolton snapped. “We want to know why your people can’t find the men who did it.” His dark green eyes found mine and I felt like I was going to get hit. Maybe even killed. “And why she’s not arrested.”
“I didn’t do anything!” I cried.
“Exactly,” Melissa sneered. “Alice is dead because of it.” It was getting harder to breathe as my throat started to close. “You’re responsible for this. I hope you have nightmares of this night for the rest of your life. Alice should have stayed away from you. You’re nothing but trash.”
“Ma’am.” The female officer grabbed Melissa’s arm and started to turn her away from me.
“Their names will haunt you until the day you die, Rebeckah. You just wanted sex. She’s dead because you were being a whore. Here’s a tip. Next time you have sex, don’t even bother with their name. God knows they won’t remember yours in the morning. You’re worthless,” Melissa shouted as she was dragged into the hallway. Dolton took her when the officer passed her over. They’re someone else’s problem now.
I curled my knees into my chest and cried harder.
I’m worthless. And useless.
I lost my best friend.
And now my sister is sick.
The female officer walked back into the room and stayed with me for a bit until it was time to get the rape kit done. I think the nurse who had to take pictures was afraid of me. All the tattoos. A dead best friend. Two people who got away.
Do they think I was involved?
“Are you up for the sketches?” the female officer, Lindsey Vought, asked when I was washed and dressed in baggy clothes again.
I nodded.
“Will they find them?” I asked. “From the sketches? Will they help?” I don’t want those guys loose on the street after what they just did.
“We’ve got the best guy for this. He’s never had anyone slip from our fingers,” Officer Vought said. “Just take your time and tell him what to draw.”
My wrist was being squeezed tight. And it hurts. My eyes jerked open to find Victor leaning into me, holding my hands apart. My right hand fingers have blood on them.
“What the hell are you doing?” he asked glancing at me. “You kicked me then started clawing your wrist.”
I sat up in bed and stared at my limp hands in Victor’s.
My wrist is bleeding again.
Great.
“It happens,” I said letting my hands fall onto my lap.
“It happens?” Victor asked running a hand through his hair. “Why don’t you do something then? Wrap it up. Cut your nails. Cut off your fingers.” He smiled at that one and it eased the awkwardness. “Why does it happen?”
I shrugged my shoulders and said, “The nightmares.” I looked down at my fingers. At the blood. “Did Jon and Adam tell you about Seattle?”
“I was over when they found out.”
I looked up at him.
“Those two have nothing better to do because college didn’t appeal to them,” he said. “So when they found dirt on you, I just had to know.”
I rolled my eyes when he started talking about Jon getting all puppy-dog eyed when he read the story and both Victor and Adam had to tie him to the bed so he wouldn’t run over here and see if I was fine.
“I see it play out,” I said when he was done with the Jon thing. “That night. Once I fall asleep, it just happens and doesn’t stop unless I wake up.” My breath caught and I looked around the room. It’s only nine in the morning. I’m guessing my family is still with Kelsey.
“And it never stops?” Victor asked.
“I never get to the end. Jacky thinks that will stop it.”
“What happens at the end?”
I dropped my eyes then got out of bed. I will not talk about it. I will never talk about it. I don’t care if the nightmares stop if I bring that shit up.
“Hey, Becka, I’m sorry,” Victor said jumping out of bed and following me towards the bathroom.
“It’s not your fault,” I said slipping into the one place I tried to end it all and failed.
“Will you be…um…you can leave the door open.”
My jaw dropped.
“Excuse me? You will not watch me shower,” I said. I at least have some sense not to strip in front of people.
Victor rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to watch you. I’ll be around. Just leave the door open. You told me not to let you do anything alone.” His eyes brightened. “Should I bring Logan over? Jon? Both will be happy to watch.”
“Go away,” I sighed.
He turned around and headed back into my room.
Just so he doesn’t think I off myself with the shower curtain or something, I left the door open a crack and slipped into the shower. Shaving was harder than I thought. So I wouldn’t get any ideas, I thought about the pain I deserve to be in for everything that happened.
Killing myself is the coward’s way out.
I deserve to be looked at like a wild animal.
The doorbell rang when I was getting out of the shower so I assumed Victor would get it. He’s still here, might as well he be useful.
I got downstairs and found Logan and Aimee at the door. Both look equally frustrated and behind that is sorrow.
I gripped my towel tighter as I walked over to them. Victor didn’t move so Aimee stared at my shoulder so she wouldn’t have to look at him and Logan glanced back and forth between me and Victor.
“I didn’t sleep with him,” I said getting it out there so he could stop trying to figure it out.
“Yes, we did,” Victor said like I was an idiot for forgetting. I slapped his arm as I gave him a look. “Relax, we just slept. She didn’t want to be alone since her family is at the hospital. Better?” Much.
“We heard about your mom,” Aimee said. “I’m sorry. We…” I zoned out as she said more. I really don’t want to hear about my mom. My eyes stayed on the snow outside and I thought about how peaceful it looks. Snow makes things look nice for awhile. Then there’s the mess and everything looks like shit.
“Rebeckah.”
I blinked and glanced at Logan. He held my eyes for a bit then stepped into the house and hugged me. I felt weird just standing there so I wrapped my arms around him.
“Do you need a ride to the hospital?” he asked, his lips brushing against my neck. That one move sent my heart racing and my skin heating up like I’m on fire.
I pulled out of his grasp because the feelings are too much to handle. “No, thanks. I have to go to work soon so I’ll pass by later.” My brother still hates me so I’ll give him time without me. I don’t want to make him snap again.
“You’re going to work?” Aimee asked, brows furrowing. “Becka, you don’t have to. I’m sure your boss will understand.”
I don’t have to. I want to.
“Uh, yeah. I’ll talk to him later,” I said, thinking of a way to get them to leave. “I have to get dressed. Thanks for coming.” I basically pushed Logan outside after he handed me my phone. Both twins looked confused by my attitude and I can’t blame them. Mom’s dead and I’m going to work. “When are you leaving?” I asked Victor.
“When you go to work.”
I nodded and headed upstairs. At least he’s not asking questions and telling me I don’t have to work because my mom died. He knows I’m screwed up. He also knows I don’t care.
***
“Ohmygod, I’ve been calling you all night,” Toby said pulling me into the back where Peyton was walking by with a tray of glasses in his hands. “How is Kelsey?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t see her yet. My family is kind of upset with me for not showing emotion over my mom,” I said numbly.
Toby nodded and sat down with me at a nearby table used for stacking mail. “They’ll understand,” he said rubbing my hand. And this is why I came to work. I knew he’d be here and understand. “It’s on the news,” he said, speaking to me like I might freak. “So people at school might talk about it.”
Awesome.
I’ve been avoiding the TV since I got home from the hospital yesterday. I know car accidents end up on the news and I know that if there was a death involved, it gets more attention. We know Mom’s gone. Next of kin was informed so the news stations have the identity to reveal to the people who don’t care that some unknown person died while driving to Cambridge. Those people are just grateful it wasn’t someone they know.
“Becka, you didn’t have to come in,” Peyton said stopping near me and kneeling down. “Toby said your sister is in the hospital. Why don’t you head over there and leave the tips for me?”
I smiled as I stood up.
“Sorry, I’m a bitch,” I said heading out to the bar.
I can do this. I’ll work for a few hours then I’ll see Kelsey. Then I’ll head home and man up to the attitude I’m getting from Matty.
***
I have Kelsey’s favorite snacks stuffed in my bag. I also picked up her new phone because the other one got damaged in the accident. When I walked into the room, she was sitting up in bed, staring at the portable table, swirling jell-o around in the plastic cup. Her dark eyes looked up at me and she gave me a sad smile.
“I brought food,” I said shaking my purse.
I walked over to her bed and she pulled me into a one arm hug. “I don’t want food. I want Mom,” she cried into my shoulder. I stiffened at that but I didn’t say anything. I’m trying to be her big sister because I’m failing miserably at that at the moment.
***
I left the hospital around ten. When I headed home, Dad was in the kitchen with his head hung over the kitchen counter and Matty was nowhere to be found. That was until I walked up to his room and found him lying in bed, listening to music. I tapped his shoulder and I literally saw him blink a few times but he ignored me. I turned off his lamp and said goodnight. He didn’t call out anything for me.
Dad walked into his room when I came out of the bathroom so I walked over to him. “Hey, Birdie,” he said softly. He sat on his bed and plugged his phone into the charger then waved me over. I sat down beside him and I let him hold me. “He’s having a hard time accepting it. Don’t take it personally.”
“Too late,” I whispered, trying to hold back the tears.
Dad squeezed me tighter and kissed the top of my head. “I know you and your mother have been at it for years so I don’t want to push you into feeling things you don’t want to feel right now but I want you to know that some day, you will feel it and you have to let it out. Scream it out. Kick something. Punch something. Just do something, okay. Don’t keep it bottled up inside.” I nodded. I can do that. “So, what was Victor doing in your bed this morning?”
“Rough night,” I said softly. “I don’t want to say anything but the thoughts were back and if I was alone, I think I might have acted on it.”
Dad stared at me for a bit when I found his eyes. I hate seeing that look when I tell him. It’s not disgust or pity or anything like that. It’s a father’s look when he knows he can’t do anything to help his child. He thinks he’s useless. I don’t want him to feel like that.
“I love you, Birdie,” Dad said wiping my eyes. “But don’t think for a second that I’m letting that go.” He’ll never let me fall. “No boys upstairs. Especially if the house is empty. You’re still my daughter and I think of you as my little girl.”
“Dad, we both know I’m not a little girl anymore,” I said, chuckling. He knows I had way too much sex and am basically an easy lay to whoever won’t tell me their name.
“I know. One day when you have kids–”
My eyes flicked up to his and he stopped talking. We have one rule–Dad, Jacky and I. ‘Don’t mention kids and me in the same sentence.’ I’m too screwed up to even live my life, how the f-uck am I going to bring someone else into this world. My fucked up world.
“You’ll understand where I’m coming from someday,” Dad finished. “Kelsey comes home tomorrow,” he said changing the subject. “Matty’s not going to school for the rest of the week and Jacky is taking time off work. If you feel like you need space, home probably won’t be the place for it.”
He gets me too.
“I’ll figure it out,” I said. “Thanks, Dad.”
“For what?” he asked when I got to the door.
“For never giving up on me,” I said glancing over my shoulder. That’s when I saw it. He knows that I know Mom didn’t want me. He did. He never gave up on me.
I walked toward my room and climbed into bed. Hunter was beside me and he made me feel safe.
Right now, I trust myself.
I trust that I won’t hurt myself.