***
Walking out of The Happy Hour with my tips in my bag, I made my legs walk faster across the street. Dad’s car is parked nearby so the walk to it always has my spidey senses on high alert. And today, they are telling me something isn’t right.
I stared at my Dad’s car as I unlocked the doors.
It’s dark out because a street light isn’t working so I don’t know if I see a shadow of a person in the refection of the window. I don’t want to move but standing here is just as bad.
I opened the door and right when I was going to sit down, something grabbed my arm and pulled me back, slamming me into the car. A large hand wrapped around my mouth, blocking words from escaping. I tried to jerk out of the hands I’m being pinned with but it was pointless. This person is stronger than me.
When the person’s body pressed into me, I knew it was male. And him roughly grabbing me, told me he wants something. Money most likely.
I threw my leg back and kicked him hard. I heard a grunt then I shoved him. When I heard him fall onto the pavement, I got in the car, locked the doors, started it and floored the accelerator.
I didn’t stop until I was far away with my phone in my hand, calling Toby. I told him about what happened and I told him to give Peyton a heads up. There are drunk girls in that bar and they shouldn’t have to worry about some psycho lurking outside waiting to rob them.
I drove to the police station and reported what happened because I felt like someone should know. After that I went home and I went straight to bed. No one has to know about this.
Nothing happened.
I just got done with the sketch artist so I was free to go home. Back to the dorms. Where Alice won’t be. I don’t know how I’ll survive walking into our dorm room and staring at her empty bed. All her stuff. I don’t think I can do it.
A young officer drove me to the dorm. The car ride was quiet and awkward. What else did I expect? For him to pull over and ask for a blowjob?
When he dropped me off, I walked up the pathway to the dorms slowly. I’m on autopilot. I can’t do this. Not with Alice not here. She’s gone. And I’m alive. It’s not right.
I glanced over my shoulder and saw the officer drive away. I know there will be police keeping watch and I don’t want to feel their eyes on me. It’s creepy. And that’s strange because the old me would have enjoyed it.
I stopped and turned back toward the sidewalk.
A taxi came by so I gave him the signal and he stopped.
“Nearest motel, please,” I said.
We talked during the car ride and I guess he felt bad for me because he said it was free. I thanked him when I got out of the car and walked into the one star motel’s doors.
I booked a room and headed to it.
Once the door was closed, I sank to the floor and cried.
For Alice.
For me.
For everything.
Twenty minutes later, there was a knock on the door. I thought I was hearing things so I stopped crying and pressed my ear to the door. There was another knock.
“Just a minute,” I said standing up and wiping my nose. I opened the door while rambling because I have a feeling someone complained about the crying. “I won’t break anything. I can’t afford to so you–”
My eyes widened when I saw them standing outside.
Jared and Kenneth.
I opened my mouth to scream but Jared reached out and grabbed me, covering my mouth.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said walking inside. “Please don’t make me change my mind.”
The door closed and Kenneth stepped in front of me. His green eyes were blank. Dangerous.
My heart stopped.
No sound was made.
I blacked out.
***
I woke up to someone shaking me.
Blue lights flashed outside.
It’s sunny.
Voices yelled around me.
I looked around and found a dark skinned officer looking down at me, his hands on my shoulders. They loosened when he saw how confused I was.
“Are you hurt?” he asked.
“Uh…no,” I said. Nothing hurts. Maybe just my heart. If it still exists. Then I remembered. “They were here. The guys that–”
“The police have them,” he said. “They were twenty minutes from here.” I sat up and realized I’m on a bed. Fully clothed. Oh thank god, I thought something happened. “Did they hurt you?”
“No…I don’t think so.” I f-ucking hope not!
The officer asked if he could examine me quickly so I let him. My wrists don’t have any marks and neither does any part of my body. Well the parts that the officer can see at the moment.
“Come with me,” the officer said.
We got into his car and headed to the police station. I had to verify that the two men they got were Jared and Kenneth. They were. And they look like shit. Drunk even.
Why didn’t they kill me?
Why did they leave me in the motel?
Toby was at the station when I was done giving my statement of what happened last night. He sat with me for a long time and we talked about Alice. His parents are having the funeral soon. When the case is done being investigated. When the two men who killed her are locked away.
Why did they leave me at the motel?
Did they do something?
That’s what I hate. The not knowing. I don’t know what happened. I blacked out. I wish I didn’t! They killed my best friend and they took my memories last night. They’re slowing ripping me apart and I hate it.
Jacky called later and told me Kelsey’s in the hospital. She’s going to start having more tests done and she wants me.
So I left the station and didn’t look back.
I left Toby behind.
I left that life behind.
There’s nothing I can do there.
I survived.
And I don’t know why.
Dad booked me a flight back home and I got on it. Everything at the dorm can stay. I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it.
Alice’s parents left a couple of hate filled voicemails for me when I was on the plane. One stuck out and cut my heart into tiny broken pieces.
I killed her.
She died of a blocked airway.
They should have killed me.
They should have killed me because then I wouldn’t–
“Becky, wake up!” Matty yelled.
My eyes snapped open and I pushed him away from me as I started to gasp for air. I fell out of bed, my knees hitting the floor hard but I didn’t care. I can’t breathe. Seeing that–
Hands pulled me toward a hard chest.
“Breathe,” Matty said into my ear. “Count to ten.”
I tried. I got to six and I panicked again.
“Becky, you can’t push it away. Let it out. Whatever you’re seeing, let it out.”
I closed my eyes and counted to ten again.
My breaths came harder.
This time the images hit me and played like a movie. And I can’t press pause. I have to see it. I have to live it.
Matty’s home from school today. Junior year just ended. He’s going to be a senior in September. I can’t believe it. And Kelsey. She’ll be a freshman. First she needs to get healthy. She’s going to be okay though. The doctor said the leukemia is curable. They caught it early.
It’s been two months since Alice has been gone.
I’ve been on autopilot since. Everyone notices that there’s something wrong with me. I don’t smile. I don’t talk as much. I don’t hang out with them. I didn’t get a new tattoo and that’s a new record. Whenever they see me, we go out and see if I get a new one. I don’t even talk about tattoos anymore. I hide them. I wear sweaters to hide the stories written on my skin. The memories of the old me. Most of them have something of Alice in them. It’s hard to look at them and remember when we laughed about something. It’s hard remembering she’s gone.
My stomach hurts today. Every time I stand up, I feel like I’m going to pass out. And vomit. I barely eat because nothing settles right. Matty came straight home with Finn today instead of hanging out with the other juniors who will be having a party at some person’s house. They even brought soup.
I locked myself in my room and ate it.
Five minutes later, I was puking it all up in the bathroom.
There was a knock on the door.
Jacky.
She walked in with a brown paper bag sticking out of her purse and a sad look in her eyes.
“I don’t want to ask but I need to know,” she said dropping to her knees, wiping hair off my face. “When you had sex with him, did he wear a condom?” I was confused by the question at first then I remembered. She’s talking about Jared.
My eyes lowered to the tiled floor as I nodded.
I never have unprotected sex.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, Kenneth and Jared popped into my head. I blacked out when they showed up at the motel. But it’s impossible. I was clothed. I didn’t have any marks on my body. I got my period two weeks after Alice died. And…
I didn’t get my period yet. I usually have problems though.
“Jacky…” I said looking up at her.
We both stayed silent as the thought crossed our minds.
Was I raped?
“The condom could have broken,” she said, taking a brown paper bag out of her purse along with a pregnancy test.
The test came back positive.
Instead of crying and getting angry, I stared at the stupid smiley face on the stick I just peed on. This isn’t a happy moment. I don’t want a f-ucking smiley face. Who is the f-ucking idiot who made these tests have smiley faces? Some people don’t want that asshole to show up on the test. They want a ‘f-uck!’ or something else that will match the way they feel. I could have been raped and I’m pregnant. That’s not a f-ucking smiley face moment.
Dad came home from work and walked into the bathroom without knocking. Jacky and I were paralyzed as his eyes landed on the test in my hand. He shut the door and pulled me into his arms.
“You have to tell the police,” he said. He thinks it too. How did he just look at me and put it together? Maybe the police told him. Maybe they sent him a copy of the report and Dad read that they came into the motel room and left me there. I wasn’t hurt though. I didn’t want to be in the station longer than I had to so I didn’t get checked. I just wanted to die but I couldn’t because Kelsey needed me. “They’ll get more punishment.” I shook my head the whole time he spoke. “Birdie, they raped you.” Maybe.
“I don’t care,” I said.
That’s when both Jacky and Dad stared at me like I was a different person. Who gets raped and doesn’t care? Me. Because I’m not me anymore. I’m just an empty body walking around.
I threw the test into the trash and walked to my room, locking the door behind me.
Everyone left an hour later.
I took a shower.
I wrote a note.
I taped it to my door.
I completely gave up and wanted out.
I stepped into the shower with a razor in hand.
I slid it across my wrist and watched the blood seep out.
That’s when I smiled.
I’ll finally get what I want.
And this baby won’t change my mind.
Then Dad knocked on the door and my smile faded.
I looked up at Matty and went limp in his arms. My brother held me for the longest time. Not once complaining that I’m too heavy or saying he needs to go to school. We both do.
We both need to get up but we couldn’t.
“You were screaming,” Matty said hugging me tighter. “Dad was going to come in but I told him to make sure Kelsey doesn’t hear you.”
She hates to see me in one of these moods. She doesn’t like to see me lose it. She wants to help but she can’t. I’m the only one who can do this. I have to help myself.
I need to see a therapist.
That’s what I need to do first.
I need help from someone who deals with this on a regular basis. He or she can help me move past this. I need to move past it.
I need to be Rebeckah again.
I need to be the Rebeckah I was when Alice was alive. If she were here now and saw me like this, she’d probably slap me and shake me until I was set straight.
“I love you, Becka. Always,” her voice said to me.
I smiled and Matty furrowed his brows.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“I never told you that Alice proposed to me.”
His jaw dropped. “What?! When was this? I knew you two were lesbian lovers behind closed doors. You just love the penis so you didn’t date each other.”
I could tell him he’s wrong but he’s not. Alice and I did do things that regular friends don’t do. We were wild and in college. It was bound to happen. Toby even encouraged us to stop seeing men and just be with each other because we were happy together. If I was into that, I would have accepted. Alice did go both ways. I liked to have fun but men are my favorite. I never saw my life with a woman.
“Tell me the story,” Matty said wiping my eyes. “I don’t give a shit if I’m late for school. It’s the last day before winter break anyways. No one does anything.”
When I was about to tell him, the door opened and Kelsey walked in telling me she can’t be left out. Dad stood in the doorway and smiled at me. He knows this story. Alice called him and asked for my hand in marriage. She was just f-ucking around but she wanted to have fun. And I think in some way, she was kind of serious.
I’ll never know.
She took that secret to the grave.
“Okay, you were saying…” Kelsey said nudging my side.
I turned nineteen yesterday so Alice and I went out and got drunk. When we got back to the dorm, things got kind of hot. We had fun. When I woke up with Alice’s naked body pressed against mine, I smiled. She was running a hand up and down my arm. When our eyes locked, she licked her lips and gave me her seductive smile. Her hand dropped to my breast and she started teasing me. God, that feels good.
“Late Christmas present,” she said slipping her hand down my stomach until she got to the apex of my thighs.
“We did this last night. On Christmas,” I said, cocking a brow.
“Yeah but we were drunk. I didn’t get to enjoy it as much I wanted,” she said slipping a finger inside me. I saw her smile widen before I closed my eyes and pressed into her hand.
“Call your dad for me,” she said.
My eyes shot open and I propped myself up on my elbow.
“What? You want me to call my dad right now?” I asked glancing down at her hand getting lost between my legs. “While you do that?”
Al laughed and starting moving her thumb around me while she slipped in another finger and kept going in and out.
“Just call him. I have to ask him something.”
“He’s probably sleeping,” I said. Alice gave me a look so I sighed and reached for my phone. My boob was rewarded with a quick flick of her tongue. I called Dad. He answered with a sleepy, ‘hello.’ Ali took the phone with her free hand and talked to him.
“Hi, Mr. Lennox. It’s Alice…yeah Becka’s having a good day so far…” She hovered over me and bit my nipple while my eyes widened. I mouthed for her to stop. “I just have a quick question…that’s funny. I see where Becka gets her sense of humor…you’ll find a nice girl…yeah…” I closed my eyes as her fingers started moving faster. “Okay, back to the reason for calling. I wanted to know if you’ll be okay with me marrying your daughter.” My eyes opened and found hers. What? Ali winked at me and put the phone on speaker as she ran her tongue up my chest to my neck.
“You called me at eight in the morning to ask me if you can marry Rebeckah? Alice, it’s five in the morning where you two are. Go back to sleep,” Dad said annoyed.
“I just need an answer then we can sleep,” Ali said nudging my legs open wider. “Yes or no?”
Dad sighed and I heard the smile in it. “Sure. Rebeckah is a pain in my ass,” he teased. “You can take her off my hands.”
“Thanks Dad,” I said, my breathing coming out rushed.
“You two have fun,” Dad said chuckling. Oh. My. God. He knows! “And send me the invite.” Then he hung up.
“He knows we were doing something,” I said covering my eyes with my arm. “You’re unbelievable.”
“So, what do you say Becka Lennox? Will you marry me?” Al asked kissing her way down my body. Her eyes found the tattoo saying ‘I’m what you never wanted’ and she stopped touching me. “Can you do something for me?” she asked finding my eyes.
“Anything,” I said, because it’s true.
“Get a tattoo of this moment and put it right there,” she said tapping the skin where the tattoo is. “That way when you see it, you think of me.”
I smiled and pushed her back up, turning her over so I was on top. “I know what I want to get then. And yes, I’ll marry you,” I said, bringing my lips to hers then doing exactly what she did to me seconds before.
“We’re still going to f-uck sexy men every night. We have an open relationship,” Ali said looking down at me as I flicked my tongue up and down, making her squirm under me.
“My fingers aren’t enough for you?” I asked sliding one in as I climbed back up to her. “Because that’s just fucked up.”
“Shut up,” Ali said crashing her lips against mine.
“Merry f-ucking Christmas to you too,” I said smiling.
“Wait, go deeper,” she said. I did. Her eyes closed as she arched her back and her orgasm took over. “Merry f-ucking Christmas,” she moaned.