- 19 -
My eyes cracked open and stared at the sleeping, fully clothed man lying beside me. I would prefer him naked but we are in my father’s house and my family is inside of it. Logan stayed the night (morning) so he threw on his clothes and got in bed with me just in case anyone accidently walks in here, they won’t see something they shouldn’t.
I brought my hand to his face and let my fingers have fun as I traced lines on the light freckles on his nose and cheeks. He’s soft and smooth until I get to his stubble. It’s rough against my fingertips but it feels good. His dark lashes resting against his cheekbones are perfect. He’s perfect.
I’m one fucked up person but Logan sees past it.
He accepts me.
But what happens when he finds the perfect girl? The one that he can bring home to his parents and show off to all his friends? I probably screwed all his friends. I did get around with a lot of people back in Seattle. Most were from different states so I wouldn’t know. And it’s not like I can pick a guy out of a crowd and remember our time together. It was just something I did. I was horny and the first guy that saw it, helped me. Then it was over. On to the next one.
“I wish I can tell you that I love you,” I whispered, staring at his lips. “Because I do. I’m just scared you’ll find someone better than me so I’m making it easier for you to leave.”
I watched his chest rise and fall as he continued sleeping then I pecked his lips quickly before getting out of bed. I grabbed clothes and slipped out of my room, heading to the shower.
I secretly wanted Logan to sneak in here with me but I reminded myself that I’m not in my own place. I’m not at a dorm where people can walk around naked and you can f-uck them up against the wall when you feel like it.
I got out of the shower, threw on my clothes and headed to my room. I made it just in time to see Matty burst into my room, yelling.
“Hey!” I ran inside and grabbed his arm. “I want him here.” That took a lot from me to say.
“What are you talking–” Matty turned around and his dark eyes found mine. I’m guessing he didn’t see Logan in my bed. “When the f-uck were you going to tell us that some guy tried to attack you at work?!”
I don’t know what’s worse. Matty yelling this to the world, Dad and Kelsey walking into the room with worried looks or Logan sitting up in bed with a look that could kill. And it’s not directed towards me. He’s thinking about someone touching me. And he wants to know why I didn’t say anything. Hm, I’m getting good at reading him too. Looks like he’s not the only one that can get in my head.
“What is Matty talking about?” Kelsey asked. Her eyes held mine then they glanced at my bed. She did a double take when she saw Logan in it. When her eyes found mine again, she was smiling like she was handed the world.
“Nothing,” I said shaking my head. I don’t want her to worry. This is exactly why I didn’t say anything.
“It’s not nothing!” Matty snapped. “Toby is downstairs waiting to tell you that his mom dug through police records and she found one for an attempted robbery this month.”
“Matty!” I said through clenched teeth. “Shut. Up.”
He knew exactly why I was giving him that look. He glanced at Kelsey and the color drained from his face. Her eyes are watery and she’s looking at the two of us like we’re going to drop dead right in front of her.
I walked up to her and grabbed her arms.
“It was nothing. I kicked his ass then went to the police station to file a report just in case something like that happens to someone else. Nothing happened.” She chewed on her bottom lip as tears slid down her cheeks. “Kelsey, I don’t want you to worry about me.”
“I can’t help it,” she sniffled, wiping her eyes. “I wake up every day not knowing if I’ll see you.” That crushed me. I know she’s not calling me out on being suicidal but I’m causing her to worry for nothing. She worries she’ll wake up and I’ll just be…gone. She’s getting better so I stopped thinking I wouldn’t see her when I woke up.
Now you have to be brave, Becka. You have to want to live.
I closed my eyes and squeezed her arms a bit harder.
“I promise I’ll wake up every morning,” I said. Do you want to live, Becka? Yes. Are you sure? Yes. I opened my eyes and found hers. “I promise that when I fall asleep each night, I will wake up the next morning until I’m old and gray. If something happens that I can’t control then I will fight my way back, Kelsey. I will always try.” I’m not an idiot and I’m not going to tell her I won’t die. We all die. I can’t promise her something that I know I’ll break. But I can promise her hope. I will live and I will try. I won’t give up.
I won’t let the bad thoughts win.
“You better try hard because Dad is going to kill you for having that sexy man in your bed,” Kelsey said breaking into a smile. She glanced at Logan then at Dad. “And they weren’t wearing clothes when I walked in.” She laughed when she walked out of my room and Matty followed.
Dad stared at the two of us with his mouth hanging open.
“She saw you two?!” he growled under his breath.
“No, sir,” Logan said standing up. Sir? Oh, god, he just called my dad Sir. That is so weird. And cute. Still weird though. “It was dark…and we weren’t on the bed.” I don’t think I can get any redder. There was an awkward silence as everyone stared at the floor.
“Hm.” Dad cleared his throat. “So is all forgotten then?” he asked. “You two back together? Kiss and make up and all that?”
I glanced at Logan and we nodded as we thought about it.
“Good,” Dad said stepping away from the door. “Now get the f-uck out of my house. Please.”
“Yes, sir,” Logan said leaning into me. Dad held up his hand, stopping Logan from kissing me goodbye. Are you serious?
“No. Go,” Dad said.
“This is unbelievable,” I said, staring my father down. “I’m twenty-two.”
“And I’m forty-three,” Dad said cocking an eyebrow. “You don’t see me kissing anyone in front of you.” I rolled my eyes as Dad pushed Logan out of my room. “Call her later.” He shut my door as he walked in and stared at me. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Logan is far from his mind now. We’re back to the accident. “Birdie, you can’t keep these things from me.”
“Seriously, Dad,” I sighed. “You kept your secrets to help me, right. I was doing the same. Nothing happened. I at least went to the police and reported it. And did you see Kelsey? I don’t want her upset over nothing.”
“Almost getting robbed is not nothing,” Dad said softly.
I nodded as I crossed my arms.
“I know but nothing happened so I didn’t really worry. I didn’t want you guys to think I’d hit rock bottom again by getting into more trouble. It sucks when everyone walks on eggshells around me.”
Dad walked up to me and pulled me into a hug. “We worry because it’s in our nature. We love you, Birdie. We don’t want anything to happen to you.” His scruff scratched my forehead as he held me tighter. I’m just thinking about Logan…
Damn him for corrupting my thoughts!
After we hugged it out, we headed downstairs.
Toby was sitting on the couch with Peyton beside him, drinking sodas. He has a file in his hands and the look on his face doesn’t show anything good is in it.
“I really don’t want to make your day shitty but I have to,” Toby said softly. “She wants to make it seem like you had a part in it.” I furrowed my brows as I sat down on the couch and took the file from him. “Like you helped them.”
My eyes found his and I couldn’t breathe.
She wants to do what?!
“She wants me to be looked at as an accessory to murder?” I asked, trying to form words through the lump in my throat. Peyton and Toby stared at each other then glanced at me. When Toby nodded, I wanted to jump out of my seat, get on a plane and head over to Seattle. I want to kill his mother. Then I’d be involved in a crime for real.
That f-ucking bitch wants to tear me apart until I’m nothing! I would never hurt Alice! Ever! I loved her and she was my other half. There was no Rebeckah until there was a Rebeckah and Alice. I got to live because of her.
“Becka, I think you should tell the police the whole story,” Matty said walking into the living room and sitting down beside me. “The whole…you know…” He pointed at my stomach and I wanted to scream or hit something. “You could have been raped.” I didn’t want him to know about that but leave it to me to yell it out during my rage of destroying my room.
“I was stressed,” I mumbled.
“They left you in the motel room,” Toby said finding my eyes. “Becka, they could done something while you blacked out.”
I shook my head as I cracked open the file and stared at my written testimony. This won’t add up in court so I have to do a verbal one. I just need to read this and remember what I said. I know the details of what happened that night but I have to read it. I have to mesmerize what I said because now that Toby’s mom is gunning for me, one wrong word could get me into serious shit.
***
Logan and I got back into our old routine. And we spent a lot of time at his apartment. No, we didn’t have non-stop sex. We did whatever we did before the temporary breakup. Sex was never the first thing on our list. I guess talking was. I understand why now but it seems weird to switch it up.
Now that Logan knows everything, I can open up. I’m used to people judging me and tearing me apart. Logan doesn’t do that. He listens. He’s here.
Aimee and Caleb are not like us. They are holed up in her room for hours and it’s rare to see her walking around. Darren and Alyssa are the same. I guess when Darren decided to take up the other room, he invited Alyssa. These people are sex-crazed. That’s all it is.
I don’t understand how they moved into this place so fast but I can’t blame them. It’s what they want to do. Hopefully, they don’t breakup. Then someone will end up homeless. That’s what you get for ditching the dorm.
Sometimes I wonder if I’d move in with Logan if he asked.
No, I need space. And living with him sounds absurd.
But I do think about it. Sometimes.
When I put on this dress I’m wearing right now, I thought about how Logan would look at me. It took everything in me not to strip naked and take care of the ache between my legs when I thought about him. The way Logan’s eyes might hold mine then roam down my body. He invades my thoughts and makes me feel dirty for the things I want to do.
I drove to the twins’ place…and Darren’s because they’re having a small New Year’s party. This will probably be the most fun I’ll have in awhile. I’m predicting my future during this trial and I can see myself shutting down and being weird again. But I won’t give up. I promised Kelsey.
“Holy f-ucking shit!” Aimee yelled, opening the door to her apartment. “This is why you wanted to come alone. Jesus. You look…” Her eyes stayed on my b-reasts and I couldn’t help but smile.
This is the first time I’m wearing a mini dress and heels since that night everything went to shit. Jacky stuffed me into them actually. Before she and Remy left for a party of their own, we were all home celebrating before we separated. She brought this baby blue dress over and tossed me into it. I didn’t want to wear it but then I stared at the color and I thought about Logan. And his damn eyes.
The asshole has my heart.
Any part I have hiding in my chest.
One hundred percent.
“I can’t think of a word,” Aimee mumbled. “Come in.”
I walked behind her into the big open space with people crowded around a table getting drinks. Oh, good. They’re not looking at me.
Aimee whistled and stepped to the side.
f-uck. I know what she’s doing.
“Someone wanted to start the new year off with a bang,” Aimee smirked, glancing at me. “It’s a shame my brother has dibs. I’d go out of my comfort zone right about now.”
Kill me now.
More like drown me in alcohol. They have plenty of it.
Kevin, Max, Juan and Shaun were busy talking to their dates (just for tonight, they never settle down) but they couldn’t stop looking at me either. Victor’s talking to Caleb and they both seem like they’re in a dream state, and Darren is staring at me like I stepped out of a porn video with his favorite porn star. I feel like I’m being watched under a magnifying glass. Everyone is staring.
Logan popped out of the kitchen with a chilled bottle of vodka. “Only one I got so–” He stopped short as his eyes took me in. Everyone’s beady eyes disappeared and it was just the two of us.
Is it wrong to feel special now? Knowing I made an appearance and everyone is looking at me? I didn’t plan on it but it happened. I’m fine because of Logan. He does things to me.
“This party sucks,” I said glancing around. “No one is moving.”
“Because they all have boners,” Alyssa said linking her arm through mine. We walked to the right and I caught her eyes travel to my ass. I stopped walking and placed a hand on my hip.
“You know, I’m more comfortable walking around naked,” I said. “Should I lose the dress?” Alyssa’s eyes widened as she smiled.
“It’s just weird…your tattoos…they look like they’re coming to life when you walk,” she said pushing my hair to one shoulder. “You never show skin so I’m in awe.”
“We should go to the pool,” Logan breathed. “It’s heated.”
He’s lucky his balcony has a pool. And it’s even better that the balcony is closed off so no one can come in or see us.
I turned his way and gave him a challenging look.
“You know I’ll drop the dress,” I said. Logan just loves when other people stare at me so I know he won’t accept.
Kevin’s date, a blonde, stepped forward and slipped off her heels.
“Are we going?” she asked giving me a teasing smile. Oh, this girl likes them any way. She’s a fun one. I smiled and kicked off my heels, unzipped my dress and let it fall to the floor at my feet.
“Oh sweet Jesus.” Alyssa sucked in a breath beside me.
I laughed and walked over to the blonde.
“I have a boyfriend so don’t try anything,” I said winking at her. I have no idea where this playful Rebeckah came out of but it I like it. I feel like the old me. Sort of.
“Boyfriends are overrated,” she said slipping her hand in mine. “And he doesn’t seem to mine.”
“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Logan said, suddenly in front of me. He scooped me up and threw me over his shoulder as he walked to the pool area. My chest knocked into his back more times than I can count but it was his fingers, teasing my thighs, that made my mind draw a blank.
“You’re still in clothes,” I said swatting Logan’s butt.
I glanced up and found everyone hopping around as they got out of their clothes. I laughed when Caleb fell over and landed on his ass. Aimee slipped out of her dress and helped him up. I was surprised they didn’t go lock themselves in their room.
Logan carried me until we made it to the pool. I heard him unzip his jeans then they fell. He set me down on the floor and pulled his shirt off.
“Why did you want to come to the pool?” I asked him. “What you need is a cold shower.” I feel him pressed against me so I know. He laughed and scooped me back up as he jumped into the pool.
When I resurfaced, everyone was in the water, splashing each other and laughing. This is a good distraction. This is a good way to end the year and start fresh. Forget Everything.
I will not forget Alice, though. She’s always in my heart.
I love you, Becka. Always.
“Logan,” I looked up into his eyes as I wrapped my legs around him. Say it. Rebeckah, say it. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tight. Say it. The words want to come out. They want to. I wiped wet hair off his forehead as I tried to say it. If I just tell him, it’ll be easy. I can do it. I can.
I couldn’t.
“I know,” Logan said sliding a hand to the side of my face as his blue eyes bore into mine. “I know.”
I closed my eyes and leaned into him.
One day I will say it.
One day he’ll know how much I love him.