- 18 -
Winter break should have been me relaxing and not worrying about classes, exams and other shit. Instead, I was constantly thinking about someone. Two to be exact. Logan and Alice. And I couldn’t stop. I know Logan’s back from Maryland. He came by the day after my birthday. I kind of used my suicidal tendencies to my advantage and told everyone that if they let him into the house, I will end my life. Slitting my own wrist in the bathroom months earlier made them believe me.
New Years is in four days. And the trial is in a week.
When I’m not thinking about that two-timing asshole, I’m thinking about Alice. My mind is constantly working that I can’t sleep. I don’t even know what time it is but I know it’s late. There isn’t a lot of noise outside so that means no one is walking around.
When something hit my window, my eyes widened and my body tensed. It snowed last night but there isn’t much wind to make it fly off the roof or trees around the house.
I heard another sound and then something sliding.
Oh. My. God.
I reached for Hunter’s arm slowly and got ready to whip it. I can scream, get everyone to wake up and run. I’ll kick this person’s ass if necessary. Footsteps were on the floorboards and they came closer. Shit. They’re coming to my bed. I stared at the shadow on my wall getting bigger as the footsteps got closer.
And then the bed dipped.
Um…okay…
I grabbed Hunter and whipped him forward as I shot up and landed a hit somewhere. I heard a grunt, a ‘f-uck’ and then my light turned on.
“Shit, Rebeckah, it’s just me,” Logan said holding his jaw.
“What the f-uck are you doing climbing in through my window?” I snapped, completely baffled that he came in through my window! “And why are you here? Get out.” I grabbed my comforter and covered my b-reasts. I’m only in a bra and shorts. I wasn’t in the mood to put on more clothes after my shower.
“You know why I’m here,” Logan said walking over to me, nothing friendly about the way he’s looking at me. “And I’m your stalker. You shouldn’t be surprised that I got in through the window.” Most girls would love seeing this. I’m not most girls.
“You’ll be surprised when I throw you out of it.”
Logan raised an eyebrow at me then sat on my bed.
“Get the f-uck out of my room,” I said climbing out of bed so I don’t have to see him. “And I suggest you use the door so I don’t push you out.” I glanced at him over my shoulder to see if he was moving. He wasn’t. “I’m serious. Go.”
“No.”
What?!
“Um, this is my room,” I said turning and placing a hand on my hip. I’ll throw him out. I will. I don’t care if it’s childish.
His eyes traveled over my body. I didn’t move. This guy has seen me naked. I don’t give a shit if he sees me like this now.
“I’m not leaving until you hear me out,” he said, standing.
“Oh, should I hear your side of the story?” I asked. “My dad didn’t want me to die. He bumped into you. You used me. I found out. We’re done. It’s simple. Now get out of my room.”
“I didn’t use you.” He walked up to me. “I–”
“You knew!” I spat, and then remembered it’s really late at night so I kept my voice down but kept the edge in it. “You knew I was more fucked up than what I was putting on and you still tried to get me to talk. You annoyed the shit out of me. You made me want to kill myself.” That’s a lie. I just want him to go. But he’s not f-ucking moving!
“I stayed because I didn’t want you to hurt yourself,” Logan said grabbing my arms. “I never met you before the first day of school. Your dad bumped into me and I guess he knew I knew Victor so he thought it would be perfect. He wanted you to get help but you’re so f-ucking stubborn, Rebeckah. You’d rather kill yourself than get help.”
I shoved him away from me but he grabbed onto my arms even tighter. “Call it selfish but the moment I laid eyes on you, I didn’t want to let you go. It was never fake for me. I never saw you as someone I needed to change.”
“You saw me as someone to f-uck,” I muttered.
He blew out a breath and slipped his hands up my arms until he was holding my head, making me look at him. “I saw you as someone to love,” he said softly, holding my eyes and trying to get me to believe that bullshit.
Love. I mentally rolled my eyes at that one.
Someone like me doesn’t deserve to be loved because I’m too damaged. I always will be. A piece of paper deserves more love than I do. In a way it does get more. People recycle paper. They think about it and set it aside from the trash pile. Me…well I’m just fucked then dumped into the trash.
And I want it that way.
I don’t get hurt that way.
I squared my eyes on Logan and pushed every emotion I ever felt out of my head. I will not love, care or hurt. I will just…be. Someone like me will always be tossed around. I’m just taking control of when that happens.
“I had sex with Jon,” I lied. “Christmas Eve.”
Logan’s hands loosened around my neck as his eyes stared into mine. I wish I knew what he was thinking but I don’t care.
“Don’t do that,” he said. “Don’t shut down on me.”
f-uck! Why is he still here?!
“Ugh!” I turned around and walked over to my dresser. I thought I could do it. I thought I could not care. I can’t. Not with him looking at me the way he is. Every f-ucking emotion is crashing into me like a wrecking ball hitting a wall. “Do you not hear the words coming out of my mouth?” I asked, grabbing a tank top and slipping it on. “I honestly don’t know why you’re here trying to explain shit to me when I don’t care. I slept with someone else already. Does that show you how much you mean to me?”
Logan’s jaw clenched and his hands turned into fists at his sides as he looked away from me. I know he’s trying to keep it in. I don’t want him to. I want him to snap. I want him to leave. I want him to hate me.
“Not even an hour after I told you we were done, I walked up to him, kissed him and we headed to a hotel. It was a memorable birthday.” I even added a smile at the end of saying that. I’m a bitch. I’m a f-ucking crazy, heartless bitch. “While you were on a plane heading back home, I was having sex with–”
“Stop!” Logan said, grabbing me and pushing me against the dresser. Jesus, this should hurt but it feels…good. “God, Rebeckah, I know I fucked up but I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to tell you but you were happy. You stopped thinking about hurting yourself and I didn’t want to break that.”
“I’m unstable, Logan. And you were just thinking about yourself. You didn’t believe in me. If you did, you would have told me.” He didn’t say anything because he thought I’d break and start having the bad thoughts. He doubted me.
“I was going to,” he said leaning into me, his mouth an inch from mine. I hear his heavy breathing, his heartbeat, my heartbeat. We’re too close. “I did something for your birthday and I was going to tell you afterwards. I didn’t want you to hate me. It’s f-ucking selfish but I just wanted you to be okay.”
“It’s a little late, don’t you think?” I asked. “Me hating you.”
Those hypnotizing blues held my dark ones and they seemed to dig deeper than I wanted them.
“You said you never would.”
My breath caught when I thought about that day. It was just a few days ago and I was happy. So much changed. How can so much change in so little time? Why does my life always have to go through this?
“I lied.” That’s a lie.
I f-ucking want to punch him so hard right now but thinking about it breaks my heart. I don’t want to hurt him.
“That’s a lie,” Logan said. “Just like you and Jon having sex.”
My eyes dropped to the floor when he looked so sure. Goddammit how does he know? I really thought that would work.
“We almost did, okay,” I said, looking up at him. He smiled. “Don’t smile because I practically begged him to f-uck me.” Smile faded. “He just didn’t want to because it felt weird.”
Jon and I were getting in the mood and it was fun but when the condom went on, he froze. Jon literally stared at me for a full minute before he said he couldn’t do it. Not because he wasn’t ready, he definitely was, but because he spent so many years thinking about me that when the moment actually presented itself, it felt wrong. And Logan had to pop up into the conversation. My f-ucking ex-boyfriend cockblocked me during rebound sex and he wasn’t even there.
“You had two days to grab some poor guy off the street,” Logan said, sliding his thumb across my cheek. “You didn’t.” Should I feel insulted? For him thinking I’d pick a guy off the street?
“Because I was thinking about Alice.” Shit. I did not just bring Alice into this conversation. Oh…that’s right. He already knows about her. I never told him but he knows everything.
“What about her?”
I turned and stared at a wall while I ran my fingers through my hair. I pulled on large chunks until my scalp hurt but it didn’t work. The tears came anyways.
“The trial starts in a week,” I said. “I have to see them. I have to talk about it.” I’ll relive seeing her dying in front of me.
I heard Logan right behind me and I knew he was going to wrap his arms around me. He always holds me when he can. And right now, I don’t want to step away. I want him to touch me. I want him to hold me. I’m falling and he promised he wouldn’t let that happen.
His arms reached out to me slowly, testing whether this is fine or not. When I didn’t move, he slid his hands around my arms and pressed his chest into my back. I don’t need to look back to know he has that cocky f-ucking smile on his damn kissable lips. He won.
“But you won’t talk about all of it,” he said. It didn’t click until he said, “You could have possibly been raped.”
I tensed in his arms then turned around. His hands never fell from me. They’re now on my hips, shooting a spark through my entire body, igniting me.
“The case has nothing to do with me. It’s about Alice. And I wasn’t pregnant so I don’t know if they raped me. I was really depressed and stressed. That was why I didn’t get my period.” At least that’s why I’m saying it was. Still am. “And they have evidence of me f-ucking one of them in the alley. It won’t stand up in court anyways. Alice’s parents would love to make me involved in her death. They’ll twist it into a lover’s quarrel ending in murder or something.”
“Rebeckah, you thought you were pregnant so you tried to end your life,” Logan said slowly so every word got through. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I thought about something.
“Did you know?” I asked. I took a shaky breath and caught his eye. “Did you know about that?” Logan nodded. Thanks, Dad. You really spilled the beans on this one.
“Awesome,” I said dropping my eyes to his chest. He pulled me closer, his arms and body swallowing me whole. I closed my eyes and sank into him. “So does this mean you won’t throw me out of the window?”
I pinched his side and he laughed.
“I should probably protect my nuts then.”
“You’re probably right,” I said.
We stayed like this for a bit until I pulled away and looked up at him. I can try and say that I hate this guy and his blue eyes are the ugliest thing in the world and he sucks at having sex but I’d be lying.
Logan Mercer is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He was my best mistake. We weren’t supposed to date. We weren’t supposed to get close.
My family wanted me to get help. I got it. They just didn’t plan on me falling for the guy helping me.
“Why did you kiss me the first day of school?” I asked, sliding my hand up to touch his lips softly.
“Because it was the only way to remind myself that I couldn’t have you. I at least wanted something to think about at night.” Logan smiled and shook his head. “That sounded better in my head. Your dad was clear that I can’t touch you but when I met you I knew that would be the hardest thing I ever had to do. I thought if I just kissed you, I’d get it over with and we’d part ways after.”
“Then you did it again.”
“And you kneed me in the balls.”
“You asked for it.”
“Well, I’m sorry you had to be so damn beautiful and such a bitch. And you did ask if I wanted to have sex with you. You have no idea what I was thinking at that point. Then you broke my heart when you said it wasn’t going to happen because you know my name.”
“You knew my story. You understand why.” I shrugged.
“Actually, I don’t,” Logan said, brows furrowing. “That’s the one thing I could never really place. You had sex with other guys before and I’m sure you knew their names.”
I won’t comment on the way his jaw twitched saying that.
“Alice’s mom said something the night she died,” I whispered. “She said, ‘the next time you have sex, don’t even bother with their name. God knows they won’t remember yours in the morning. You’re worthless.’” Logan’s hands slipped to the side of my neck and into my hair.
“She sounds like a bitch.” He has no idea. “And you’re not worthless.”
“The first time we were going to have sex…that popped into my head. I couldn’t trust that you’d look at me the same way afterwards,” I said shaking my head slowly.
“I did look at you differently,” Logan whispered. “I saw past the lonely girl you were trying to be. I saw you.” A tear slid down my cheek as he leaned into me. “I fell for you the day I saw your neck tattoo. And I knew I was one hundred percent in love with you the day we had sex.” Dammit. I can’t pretend he didn’t say that because he felt me tense. Now how can I move past this? “Don’t shut down on me. I’m not pressuring you into saying anything back. Just know that I love you, Rebeckah.”
He pressed his lips against mine and I turned into ash.
I honestly can’t say how long we stayed like this because I don’t know. Time stopped when his tongue met mine and I couldn’t think about anything except Logan. His smell. His touch. His words. Him.
Logan pulled away from me but the look in his eyes told me he didn’t want to. “We should stop,” he breathed. Who’s he kidding? A smile started on his lips and that damn dimple came out.
I’m done. Just throw me on the bed, strip me naked and take me. I don’t care if my family is sleeping on the other side of the walls.
“You came into my room,” I said tilting my head up.
“Mhm.”
“What makes you think you can call the shots?”
His smile turned into a mega-watt one as I pushed him back until he landed on my bed with a thump. Shit, I hope no one heard that. They should be sleeping not listening to things that happen in my room.
I climbed onto him and brought him back to my lips.
A giggle (I know! I f-ucking giggled. What the hell is wrong with me?!) escaped my lips when he grabbed my ass and ripped my shorts in the process. He’s going to regret that. These were my favorite ones.
I grabbed his shirt and pulled it off. I wanted to rip it but since there’s no buttons, I can’t really do that quietly. And I want him to leave not looking like an animal attacked him.
My eyes took in his muscled body and I started to drool. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of looking at him. Not when he is the way he is. Add that smile and I’m a goner. I think I always was.
My eyes roamed his body until they landed below his rib cage. My breath caught as I sat back on his legs, staring at it.
“I got it on Christmas Eve,” Logan said propping himself up on his elbows. “I was going to surprise you with it on your birthday.” And then he was going to tell me about the deal.
My fingers traced the black script inked on his skin. You’re what I always wanted. It’s on the opposite side of my ‘I’m what you never wanted’ tattoo. I found his eyes and he looks scared. Shit, does he think I hate it?
“You got it for me?” I asked, tears running down my cheeks, nothing sexy about it at all.
Logan nodded and pulled me into him. “You got yours because of your mother. I wanted you to see this and think of you. I want you to be happy. I want you to know that I’m always thinking of you.” Stop talking before I turn into a girl! “I. Just. Want. You,” he said in-between kissing my cheeks, nose and lips.
My tears hit his chest but he didn’t complain. He just held me and planted feather-light kisses up and down my neck.
I turned off the light and collapsed on him, our tattoos touching.
It was never fake for him. He was always in this.
He loves me.
And somewhere inside of me, I know I love him too.
I just can’t say it. That involves opening up completely and letting him in. I can’t handle that right now.
I wiped my eyes and managed to sit up on Logan.
“Okay…so are you going to get naked or what?” I asked. I can’t be a girl for too long. It’s weird.
We attacked each other like wild animals and Logan didn’t hold back. It’s like he knew we were going to have sex. He f-ucking knew he’d get me back. What a prick.
Logan grunted as he moved up to kiss me but he must have not known we were on the edge of the bed because he rocked against me too hard, causing us to fall to the floor. And we took Hunter with us. “Wait,” I said breaking our lips apart, holding Logan down as I stopped moving against him. “We can’t have sex on Hunter.”
“Hunter?” Logan panted. “Who the f-uck is Hunter?” I squeezed my thighs around him to shut up as I pointed at the bear. “You named him Hunter?” His eyes found mine and I swear they changed into a lighter blue.
He knows I love him. I can’t say it but he knows.
He smiled like a f-ucking idiot as we managed to get Hunter out from under us then we got back to moving, our bodies connecting until we didn’t know where one of us ended and the other began.
And then my door opened.
I was really in the moment that when I saw the door open, instead of screaming, a moan escaped my lips. Then my eyes widened and I stopped moving. Kelsey is at the door.
“Becka?”
I threw a hand over Logan’s mouth to stop him from breathing too loud. I leaned into the side of my bed, grateful that I’m kind of blocked, and made a sound that I tried to pass off as a ‘what.’
“Are you okay? I keep hearing things knock over.”
“I’m fine,” I said out of breath. Shit, I’m about to explode. It doesn’t help that Logan is still inside of me. Moving under me. Dammit. He’s smiling up at me. Fucker!
“Oh, god,” Kelsey shrieked. “Are you touching yourself?”
Just to get her out of the room I said yes.
“Gawd…awkward. You should have let Logan into the house.” I rolled my eyes but didn’t say anything because then he wouldn’t have climbed in through the window and this wouldn’t be happening right now. I prefer this.
She closed the door and I dropped my hand from Logan’s mouth. “Are you ashamed of me?” he teased.
“Yeah, because my fourteen-year-old sister needs to see your cock while you f-uck me,” I deadpanned. “Now shut up and flip me over.”
“You know I love when you snap at me. Especially during sex.” I smiled hearing that.
“No shit. That’s why I do it. Come on. I think you lost a few inches. You’re not hitting the right spot,” I teased. And it worked.
Logan turned me over, my back sticking to the hardwood floor as he made sure I got all of him. Every last inch.
God, this is amazing.
I felt myself come apart and drift into the clouds. Floating higher then come back down. Falling. Falling. Falling. But Logan was there to pick me up and do it all over again.
I don’t want to come back down.
I want to stay on this high forever.
With Logan.