- 14 -
Mom’s funeral is tomorrow. Jacky and Dad got everything ready so everything would be fine. The funeral will be private. I honestly don’t know why I have to go but Kelsey is a mess and she chose to lean on me. I can’t push her off so I agreed. And Ricardo or Richard is going to be there. Douchebag picked the spot for her burial. I don’t understand why he even has a say. He was the boyfriend. He was the guy she fucked until the next one with a bigger penis decided to come along. He wasn’t going to last.
I was on my way to Curry to meet up with the twins when my phone rang and Jacky told me something that made my heart stop and tighten for a while like someone was squeezing it. Mom’s brakes were cut. The police investigated the accident and they found the brakes tampered with.
I stopped walking when I heard that.
I almost dropped to my knees because for a split second, Mom was Mom again. She was the woman who kissed me goodnight and made pancakes every Saturday morning.
Someone cut her brakes.
Someone killed my mom.
Then my heart closed back up and I stared at the ground. She’s the woman who wanted me dead. Gone. I didn’t think about my mom then. I thought about Kelsey. Someone tried to kill my mom and Kelsey got hurt.
“What’s wrong?” Logan asked tilting my chin up. He always finds me. It’s creepy. But we’re still seeing each other so I kind of let it slide. Mostly for the fact that we’ve barely touched each other since the day of the car accident. I don’t know why he puts up with me. And why do I let him? Shouldn’t I cut him loose and let him find some girl that will f-uck him every day and ask questions and do fun things? I’m boring, we don’t have sex and I don’t talk that much.
“Nothing,” I said turning my head away from him.
His hand dropped to my arm and I saw the way his eyes hardened. I’m shutting him out and he knows it. He’s trying to break through my walls but I keep building them up again.
“Do you want to go somewhere?” he asked. “You have time before work so–”
“Hey!” Alyssa said walking up to us. “IV has eggnog everything so Aimee and I are heading over. Coming?” Logan did ask if I wanted to go somewhere so heading to International Village aka his dorm building, counted.
That’s how we ended up here.
Drinking eggnog.
Logan got me an extra cup and he’s holding it hostage because it’s the last cup left so I have to grab it from him every time I want a sip. Which he keeps drinking from.
When I reached for it, our fingers brushed and it wasn’t lost on me how it sent a burning heat down my spine that made me cross my legs to keep from squirming. Holy f-uck, that was hot!
“Feeling okay?” Logan smirked.
“Yeah, hand over the eggnog,” I said.
“I think I’ll keep it,” he said taking a sip.
I raised an eyebrow at him and crossed my arms over my chest. “Fine, keep it,” I said, trying not to punch him in the face to steal it.
His eyes held mine and something in me exploded. One second I was sitting in my chair, the next, I’m shoving my tongue down Logan’s throat. The eggnog was set on the table so he could touch me. And it feels f-ucking good.
“Whoa, lovebirds,” Darren said clearing his throat. “Some people are trying to eat.” I don’t give a shit! They can look away.
Having Logan pressed against my body, felt right. Normal. Exciting. I didn’t want to stop kissing him but I pulled away a bit to look at him. I stared at his lips. His eyes. His neck. Mmm, I want him.
Where the hell is this feeling coming from?
“Wow, and you’d think you’d be upset over your mother,” a whiny bitch voice said. I tore my eyes off Logan and glanced at Valerie staring at me with a smirk.
“Get lost,” Aimee snapped. “And don’t f-ucking run your mouth.”
“I’m just saying,” Valerie said flicking her hair over her shoulder. “Your mom died like four days ago.” And the bitch had to remind me.
“Don’t you have someone else to bother?” Juan asked her. When the hell did the four amigos show up? And Darren? It was just the twins, Alyssa and I.
“Whatever. It’s just weird,” Valerie said.
“You know, you just ruined my mood,” I said shifting back into my seat, grabbing my purse. “I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you later,” I said to Logan and anyone that I end up texting later. Whatever possessed me to attack Logan is still inside of me, wanting out. I can’t ignore the way my lips want to feel against his. The way my body wants to shiver underneath his fingers. And the way he’ll feel in between my le–
“You tend to walk away from things,” Valerie said behind me. I rolled my eyes and kept walking. “Does that explain why you f-uck random people in an alley?” I stopped walking and prayed to God she did not just say that. She didn’t. She doesn’t know. “Get in, get out. No names.”
I glanced over my shoulder and found her smiling at me. I turned around and walked over to her. “I’d stop talking if I were you,” I said, trying not to snap.
She knows. How the f-uck does she know?! The article. Adam found it. This airhead could probably search for things on the internet too.
“You must have felt like shit,” she said laughing. “While you were having sex, your friend was getting stabbed.” No, she wasn’t. The article just stated it that way to make me look like the bad person.
I see people staring at us. People are standing up.
“Do you not care about anyone, Rebeckah? Just yourself. And finding some guy to f-uck? First your friend dies then your mom. Both times you had your tongue down someone’s throat. Trashy.”
You’re nothing but trash.
And just like that, I snapped.
I barely remember moving, the noise, the hands grabbing me. I blacked out for a few seconds because when I looked around, Valerie was on the floor, holding her nose and my right hand has blood on it.
I took a step back as I saw the blood running past Valerie’s hand, dripping onto her sweater. I did that. I punched her. And I’m pretty sure I broke her nose. f-uck, I didn’t want to do that.
I lost it.
I shouldn’t have lost it.
“I’m sorry,” I said snatching napkins off a nearby table. I dropped to my knees and tried to help her but she shoved me back.
“Don’t f-ucking touch me, bitch!” she snapped.
“Don’t f-ucking snap at me,” I said throwing her arm to her side and bringing the napkins up to her nose. “I warned you but you kept talking.” I’m not a complete bitch. I’m helping her.
Tears ran down her cheeks but she stayed quiet.
“Bring that shit up again and I won’t be so nice,” I threatened. I don’t want to hurt her but she said those things and since I’m having a hard time dealing with those things right now, it’s a touchy subject. “My life has nothing to do with yours. And while you’re at it, stay the f-uck away from me,” I said standing up. “And go to the hospital. You have a broken nose.”
I walked away as people went to her.
I wiped my knuckles clean but blood was still on them so when I got on the train, I hid my hands in my pockets. When I got to work, I washed them and tried to forget about what I just did.
I shouldn’t have snapped.
But she kept pressing it.
She made it worse.
People ordered drinks left and right and I was envious for awhile. I want to sit back and drink until I’m numb. I don’t want a buzz, I want to drink until I can’t feel shit.
It was around seven when I saw Victor walk into the bar. And he was smiling. If anyone knew how much he disliked Valerie for spreading her legs and tempting him to f-uck her, causing his relationship with Aimee to fail, they’d understand why he’s smiling at the person that broke the hoe’s nose. He’s to blame too for that but come on, when a woman wants a man, she does everything in her power to get him. Sometimes men can’t control how their dicks react.
“You’re lucky she’s not pressing charges,” Victor said sliding onto a stool. “And everyone gave the cops a heads up that she started it. NU police don’t want to have to arrest you for assault.”
The school police should arrest me. I’m a danger to society. I ruin people’s lives. I hurt people.
“Your boyfriend’s worried about you.”
My eyes caught his as I started making a dirty martini for an older woman to my right who is busy hitting it off with a guy that is probably seven years younger than her.
“Okay, probably wrong choice of words but he is. And the shit Val said is the reason why he’s not here.”
“Why is he not here?” I asked, confused. I don’t mind if he is or not but if he’s not coming because Valerie said something then I should know what it was.
“She basically called you a whore that fucks people because you don’t feel anything,” Victor said not holding anything back. “He doesn’t want you to think he wants the sex.”
I slid the martini over to the woman and the guy told me close up the tab. Sure thing. You want to get laid. I gave him the bill then started wiping down the bar.
“And why are you telling me this? He could have texted,” I said. He did text. A few times. I didn’t read them though. I put my phone on silent and stuck it into my back pocket to deal with later.
“Because Aimee mentioned you attacked him while drinking eggnog,” he said. I stopped wiping the bar to look at him.
“You talked to Aimee?” I asked. Did hell freeze over? Did Jesus walk the earth? Am I dead?
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” he said shrugging his shoulders. “They’re worried because you did just lose your mom. Rebeckah, people don’t go to school, go to work or do anything when their mom dies so suddenly.” I opened my mouth to speak but he kept going. “I know you have a complicated past but they don’t know that. The twins are close with their parents. If they lost one of them, they’d be on the first flight back to Bethesda and not come back until they’re ready.”
I leaned against the bar while I processed that.
I am trashy. Who shoves their tongue down someone’s throat days after their mom dies? Me. Crazy people. Twisted, sick people.
“Want a break?” Peyton asked leaning on the bar.
“From life,” I said pushing myself off it and going back to wiping it down. I need to disappear. Be alone. Wither in a dark cave or something.
I know what I want.
I just can’t do it.
***
The funeral was nice. I have no idea how many times I stared at the closed casket and wished it were me inside but I did it constantly. I wished I could go back to April 7th and choose Kenneth over Jared. I wish I went into the bathroom with him and I wished he killed me instead. Alice would be alive. I would be six feet under. She would be happy. Everyone would be fine.
We drove home where Kelsey and Matty locked themselves up in their rooms. Jacky and Remy went to their place where Jacky can have some time without me looking at my nails or awkwardly looking for a way out of the silence and the crying.
Dad’s in the living room staring at the coffee table like it’s going to grow legs and walk out the door.
When the landline rang, he didn’t even flinch.
I got up and answered.
It’s Mom’s lawyer and he needs to speak to Dad.
I left Dad in charge as I slipped out of the house and sat on the stairs. It’s cold outside and the black dress I’m wearing isn’t really helping but I don’t want to change. I’m still in the flats that are probably causing blisters as I speak.
I stared at the trees in the street and my mind went somewhere else. A happy place. I’m at my sweet 16, Mom is finishing up my last curl as Jacky does my lip gloss. They wanted me to look like a princess. I wanted to be a princess for a day. Minus the puffy dress, Prince Charming and all the other bullshit. We’re having a party at–
It hit me then.
Kelsey won’t have Mom at her sweet 16. That’s all she ever talked about. Mom loved doing parties, Kelsey loved going to them. The two were perfect mother and daughter. Kelsey deserves to have a mom at the party. Why did I get one? Mom didn’t even love me.
I curled my legs up to my chest, closed my eyes, and for the first time since hearing my mom is gone and never coming back, I let the tears fall. What is so wrong with me that people can’t love me? Why didn’t my mother love me? I never did anything.
Stop crying! I shouted inwardly. People can’t love you because you’re not worth being loved!
I slipped my fingers into my hair and pulled.
I’m a f-ucking idiot for crying.
I’m stupid for thinking I have the right to cry.
I’m a disappointment and–
Hands slipped around my wrists and gently pulled my hands down to my lap. I expected to see Dad looking back at me or even one of my siblings to tell me they love me or something but it wasn’t any of them.
It was Logan.
Aimee was a few feet away with a questioning look as she tried to figure out what to do. Walk over to me, let Logan deal with the mess, wait for me to say something…
“Your sister said you were home,” Logan said wiping his thumbs under my eyes. “She mentioned you haven’t been eating.”
Punching Valerie made my stomach flip. I can’t keep anything down because what she said was true. I use sex because I’m trash.
“Can you come out with us?” he asked.
“What’s the point?” I asked with a shaky voice. “You’re just going to stare at me and ask questions like a therapist. You’ll try and twist everything and make me even more confused.”
“I haven’t done that since school started,” he said. So he admits to doing it. I was just saying shit.
I looked up at Aimee. She looks worried. Scared even. And it’s because of me. I ruin people’s lives. I suck the life out of them.
“Please,” Logan whispered.
I found his eyes again and whatever part of me that belongs to him, yes, I belong to him in a way because whenever I’m near him or whenever he just looks at me, I’m done. I forget what I was thinking. I forget about hurting myself. I just think about him. He owns some part of me that I didn’t think I had. I still don’t know how that happened.
I nodded.
Logan stood up and held out his hands for me. When I slipped mine in his, he smiled and I couldn’t help but smile back. Just a little one. He doesn’t have that much power over me. It’s more like my heart. Yeah, that’s it. He’s messing me up because my heart wants him. It knows he’s a good guy and it knows he cares a fraction of something for me.
“Rebeckah,” I stopped short when I heard Dad call out for me. I glanced over my shoulder and saw him walking out of the house with Kelsey and Matty behind him. “We need to go.” No…
“Where?” I asked.
“Martin needs to talk to us,” he said glancing at Logan and Aimee. Martin is Mom’s lawyer. What the f-uck does he need to talk to us about? I thought Dad and Jacky already took care of everything. “It’s important. We need to go. Sorry you two but this is a family emergency.”
Remy’s car pulled up to the house and Jacky jumped out. She glanced at the twins, waved slightly then grabbed me. “That asshole wants to take everything from you,” she said. “Let’s go.”
“What?” I glanced around. “What’s going on?”
“Martin has Mom’s will,” Jacky said.
“I don’t care,” I said. “You guys go.” Like I want to hear what she says on her will. She’ll probably tell me that she never loved me. Hello, I already know that.
“Mom left you something,” Matty said staring at the stone pathway. “Roger thinks it’s valuable and he wants it.”
“Who’s Roger?” I asked, shaking my head.
Matty’s head snapped up and he stared at me with a blank expression. “Her boyfriend. God, Becka, you really didn’t give a shit about her.”
“Matty,” Dad said, turning to him. “Get in the car.” Matty gave me another blank look then took Kelsey to the car. “I don’t want to do this, Birdie but Martin says if we get it over with, you won’t have to deal with it later.”
“Okay,” I said blankly.
Jacky walked me to Remy’s car and I got in. Aimee and Logan stayed at the house, their eyes following me until I couldn’t see them anymore.
***
Martin pushed the glasses up on the bridge of his nose as he stared at the paper in his hands. He read everything Mom left behind. Roger didn’t get anything because apparently she was dumping him. I laughed at that.
“Please excuse the language,” Martin said clearing his throat and running a meaty hand through his blond hair. His green eyes flicked to mine and he seemed to squirm in his chair. “Ms. Britton states that she left a note for Rebeckah Lennox.”
“I’m right here. You don’t have to do that,” I said. He can clearly see me. I’m the psycho chick covered in tattoos. I’m not hard to miss.
He cleared his throat again and licked his lips.
Dad, Matty, Kelsey, Jacky, Remy and Roger are sitting around the large wooden table looking back and forth. My eyes are trained on the chip of wood on the table. I don’t want to look at anyone. I just want to get this over with.
“Your mother states that I read it for you,” Martin said. I nodded so he started. “Any money left in your college fund will be split between your brother and sisters–”
My head snapped up and my brows furrowed. What did he just say? What’s happening to my college fund?
“I’m sorry, what?” Dad asked.
Martin pointed at the paper in his hands. He’s not done.
“Go on,” I said, waving my hand at him.
“Um…” Martin chewed on his lip as he looked up at me. “I’m sorry. I have to read this.” Okay, read it. “Your college fund will be split between your brother and sisters because it’ll be a miracle if you can live long enough to graduate.”
Hell broke loose after that.
Dad started yelling while Roger laughed. Matty’s mouth dropped in shock and Kelsey burst into tears. Remy and Jacky had a few choice words and Martin tried to calm everyone down.
I was the only one who remained quiet and in my seat. I kind of expected this from my mom. She did hate me.
“Stop,” I said. I looked up at everyone who was now shouting to be heard over each other. “Stop!” I said a bit louder. Everyone’s voice lowered until it was quiet in the room. “Give me the letter,” I said to Martin.
He slid it over, along with an orange clasp envelope with an object inside and averted my eyes. I stood up and grabbed my phone.
“Mom is still your mom. It doesn’t matter if she hated me. You don’t have to hear what else she has to say,” I said walking over to the door. I chanced it and glanced at Matty. “It’s hard to care about a person when that person never wanted you.”
He said two words as I slipped out, “I’m sorry.”
And just like that, we were back to loving each other. The shit he said in the hospital and the days after that, are forgotten. He’s my younger brother. I’m his older sister. I did change but I’m still Rebeckah. I’m still Becky.
I stepped into the elevator and headed down to the lobby of Martin’s building. There were a few people walking around but I stuck around anyways. I took up a chair near some fresh flowers on a table and started reading the letter.
Rebeckah,
Any money left in your college fund will be split between your brother and sisters because it’ll be a miracle if you can live long enough to graduate. I don’t see the point in leaving you with anything when you’re just going to kill yourself because you’re pathetic. Alice’s parents have every right to blame you for her death. You get around and just like every night, you had to go out that night. Your best friend died. Do you care?
Why did you slit your wrist that day? Why not do it earlier than two months after she died?
Kelsey would miss you but she doesn’t need a screw up as a sister. Who knows, maybe you’ll both go off into the sunset together.
I’m dead so there’s no point in lying.
Hate me if you want.
The day you were born, you were supposed to die. I really hoped you did. Jacqueline was a handful so one was enough for that time in my life. When the doctors showed you to me and your father, I should have been happy. I wasn’t. I didn’t want to love something that would die. I wanted to love you but I couldn’t. And for that I’m sorry. You deserved more than what you were given.
Then you started with the tattoos. I gave up when you got the birds and moved away for college. And I was happy. I got to leave the house and find my own place. No kids. No problems. No you.
I don’t know if or when you’ll get this letter but if you do, do something for me. In the envelope is the thing I left for you. When I saw it, it screamed your name.
Use it, Rebeckah.
Make it count.
-Diana
When I opened the envelope, my heart stopped.
And my legs ran.
I ran until I was out of breath and holding my sides. I ran until the tears burned my eyes and I couldn’t see anything in my way. I ran until I thought my heart would give up but it didn’t. And I ended up at school. At the twins’ dorm.
I knew someone that was walking in so she signed me in and I made a break for it. I ran up the stairs because I was running on adrenaline. Twenty flights of stairs wasn’t a challenge at this point. It’s a death wish. And it’s not happening!
I’m stressing myself out and trying to push my limits but nothing is happening. Nothing is working. Aside from my desire to see Logan. My legs started moving and they won’t stop until they get what they want.
I ran out into the hallway and stopped at Logan’s door. I knocked a few times and looked around like a crackhead looking for drugs. I only hear my heart pounding. Everything else is drowned out. I’m the only person in my made up world.
Logan opened the door and my breath caught.
I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t be here.
“Your family’s looking for you,” he said, panicked.
I grabbed the doorframe and took a shaky breath. This dress needs to come off. These flats need to come off. “What do you see when you look at me?” I asked.
“What?” he asked, confused. “Rebeckah, you need to sit down–”
“Tell me. Right now, when you look at me. What do you see?”
His eyes scanned my face, my body, my eyes, my body. When he locked eyes on me a bit longer, I saw a muscle in his neck twitch. Say it. I don’t care.
“Someone who is giving up.” I past that stage long ago.
I nodded. “Keep going.” Tell me. Tell me what I’m feeling because you can do it. I don’t want to do this but it’s the only way. I want to fly. I need to fly. I’m ready. It’s time.
He shook his head and grabbed my arms but I shook him off. I never wanted to hurt him. At least not now.
“Like you’re saying goodbye,” Logan said with wet eyes.
I walked backwards and nodded again. “I never wanted to hurt you,” I cried. “And I never wanted to bring you into my life but you were my best mistake. You made me feel something.” I wiped away the tears and took bigger steps back as Logan walked forward. “Ask my father what happened that day. Tell him to tell you the whole story.”
“Rebeckah, don’t–”
“I never made it to the end,” I said, cutting him off. “The nightmares won’t stop. I’m damaged. Unfixable. I’m a ticking time bomb and I’m about to explode. I just wanted you to know that you did help me. You just couldn’t save me.”
“Rebeckah, don’t get in that elevator,” he said as I pressed the button. I looked up at him as he closed the distance, pinning me to the wall. “What do you plan on doing when you leave this building?” Flying…my way.
My voice cracked when I said, “Ending it on my own terms.”
Tears ran down his cheeks as he slipped his hands to the back of my neck. “Please don’t leave,” he whispered. I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see him. “Please.”
“Why?” I asked. “I was destined to fail. I was never supposed to be born. I told you I was going to disappoint you.”
Logan leaned into me even more until his lips brushed my neck. He’s talking above my tattoo. “You want to fly. I know you, Rebeckah. So do it. Fly. But don’t come crashing down.” What does he even mean? “I won’t let you fall. I’ll keep you balanced.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I opened my eyes.
“I won’t let you get on that elevator and I won’t let you kill yourself.” I tensed when his lips pressed into my skin. “You came to me, Rebeckah.” He pulled away and held my eyes. “Why?”
Because I’m an idiot.
“I’m falling in love with you,” Logan said softly. “And you can deny that you don’t feel the same way but I think you do. You came here. To me. And I’m not f-ucking letting you go.”
I turned my eyes to his shoulder as the tears came out harder.
He’s not falling in love with me. He’s just caught up in something that will end in heartbreak.
Logan’s arms wrapped around me and I was scooped off the floor. I didn’t kick and scream for him to let me go because I couldn’t. I stared at the clasp envelope in my hands and my mother’s words came back to me. Use it Rebeckah. Make it count.
Logan locked me up in his dorm and set me on his bed.
“She wants me to kill myself,” I murmured.
His blue eyes found mine and I started to cry again. I sank into his bed and sobbed into my knees as I handed him the envelope. He opened it and stared back at me as the shiny gold bullet fell into his palm.
He didn’t say anything for awhile and I think it’s because he couldn’t. He’s witnessing me having a complete mental breakdown. He’s holding me hostage in his room so I don’t off myself by jumping off a bridge (no one can stop me from that) and he’s staring at a bullet my mother left behind for me to use.
Logan stood up and uncurled my tight arms from my legs. He let them dangle off the bed as he stepped in-between them and took my face in his face.
“I don’t care what people say about you or tell you what to do. Well, maybe just a little because I want to tell you what to do. I want you to stop thinking you’re worthless, a disappointment, broken or anything less than what you are. You are f-ucking perfect, Rebeckah. I want you to see that. You need to see that. Stop listening to other people.” Right then, I gave him a look. He wants me to stop listening to other people. That includes him. “Besides me. I’m the exception,” he said with a smile on his lips. “Well now that I have your attention I want you to hear me when I say that I won’t give up on you. I will never give up on you. Even when you give up on yourself, I’ll be here. I believe in you. And I won’t let my girlfriend do something reckless.”
I stared up at him for awhile.
“Girlfriend?” I said unsure.
His eyes searched my face then he nodded.
“Yeah. What do you think? I’m going to kiss you like I kiss you and call you my friend?” he said smiling that smile. “If that was the case then I’d kiss Darren and Caleb like that.”
“You’re crazy for doing this.”
“Haven’t you heard? Love makes people do crazy things.”
I cringed when he said that.
“Tell me you won’t hurt yourself,” Logan said caressing my cheek. “And mean it.”
“I can’t do that,” I said looking away.
“Why?”
“Because if you knew my story, you’d understand why I’m haunted by the suicidal thoughts. The voice in my head turns everything I do into something bad, reminding me that I don’t deserve this,” I said. “Living. Happiness.” I found his eyes. “You.”
“Then tell me,” he said resting his forehead against mine. “Tell me your story because you know I won’t judge you.”
“You will once I tell it.”
“Do you trust me?”
No.
That’s a lie.
Somewhere deep down I do.
I nodded.
“Tell me something,” Logan said. “Anything.”
I closed my eyes and racked my brain for the most horrific memory. There are so many. But one will get him to leave me alone. This one will make him hate me and toss me to the side.
“I thought I was pregnant,” I said shaking the images out of my head as I opened my eyes and found him staring back at me, not judging, not disappointed. “I tried to kill myself because I thought I was carrying the child of someone who planned on murdering my best friend.” And knowing that I would bring life into this world terrified me. My best friend died that night. I was not going to have a reminder. And I didn’t want to live, period.
I was going to kill an unborn child. I thought I did. The stick said I was pregnant. I was one of the lucky ones who got a false positive.
His hand loosened on my neck as he pulled back to look at me.
“I thought I killed–”
Someone pounded on Logan’s door.
“Ignore them. Keep going,” he said softly.
The knocking wouldn’t stop so I gave up. I wiped my eyes and told him to get it. I sat back on his bed when he walked over to the door.
“You made a deal with her fa–”
Is that Victor? I glanced at Logan’s back and managed to tilt my head in the right angle to see Victor standing outside. And he doesn’t look happy.
Logan said something too low for me to hear so I turned my head away and grabbed my phone. I texted Jacky telling her I’m fine and for her not to worry. She should worry though. Because I’m still worried.
“I’ll be right back,” Logan said glancing at me over his shoulder. I barely had time to nod before he was out the door and it clicked shut.
Okay…
I kicked off my flats and fell back onto the bed.
Why is this happening? How can I think about killing myself and then have the thought plucked from my mind just by having Logan say a few words.
Because you want to be loved and he said he’s falling in love with you.
The feeling is mutual. I can’t get him out of my head and I don’t want to. I don’t want to stop looking at him, talking to him, listening to him.
I want to live.
Call me an idiot because it’s over a guy but at least it’s something. I trust him enough to tell my story. He said he won’t judge me. And I believe him.
I turned on my side and grabbed his pillow. I’m crazy so breathing in his scent is not that bad. I closed my eyes and let his delicious scent fill my lungs. If I could stay like this forever, I’d like it. I’m actually smiling.
I’d pause this moment and live in it.