Absolutely Unforgivable

chapter 16 - Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

All I wanted to do was be with Billy, to be near him, touch him, and kiss him. My body ached for his touch and my mind raced with thoughts of him. But finally I had enough. It was all just more than I can take.

The next day I filled my suitcase with what I could and then put the rest in trash bags. I took my time packing, not really wanting to but I knew I had to. I couldn’t do this anymore.

It was getting late, probably about dinner time now, but I knew the time had come for me to leave, so I trotted downstairs with my clothes and put them in the trunk. It had started to rain outside and it was getting dark but I didn’t let that deter me. I went back upstairs for my suitcase and did my best to drag it down the stairs. When I got to the front porch Billy came running outside.

“What the f*ck do you think you are doing?”



“What do you care? I’m just a horrible mistake. Remember Billy? I heard what you told that girl about me.” It was something I overheard him tell one of his bimbos from last night when she asked who I was.

Billy rolled his eyes. “Get back inside. It’s pouring rain out here.”

“I don’t care, Billy. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going back to Oklahoma.”

“Please, Stacy, just come back inside and let’s talk about this.” He held his hand out to me; it was shaking slightly, just barely enough to be visible.

“There is nothing left to say. You’ve made your feelings about me abundantly clear. You prefer your whores to the real thing. I got it. You don’t have to keep reminding me.”

“You are blaming me for this? You are the one who went back to your ex-boyfriend. I was just giving you the space you needed to be together.”

I looked at him in confusion. What did he mean I got back with my ex-boyfriend? But all I could stammer was, “What?”

“I saw it, Stacy. I f*cking saw it with my own eyes.”

“You saw nothing! That’s impossible, because there was nothing to see. I never went back to Jeromy!”

“Las ... Vegas.”

“Las Vegas? What does that mean? I’ve never been to Las Vegas in my life.” I really had no clue what he was talking about and what Las Vegas had to do with anything. Was he just throwing out random words to be an ass?

“I mean, the same way you found out Jeromy lied to you about being in Vegas is how I knew where you were.”

I desperately tried to search my memory for what he was talking about. Then it hit me. It was my phone, the Find Friends app. Oh God, my phone gave away my location. “Billy, no. I was not with Jeromy. I went to see his mother. I sat on her floor and cried in her arms. Jeromy did eventually go there but we didn’t make up. We didn’t do anything like that at all. We just talked and realized that there was no way we could ever go back to how we were. For us it was over; our time had passed.”

The rain was coming down harder now, we were soaked from head to toe but I hardly noticed. My heart was breaking. I didn’t want to leave but it was clear Billy didn’t want me to stay, not really. His love for me was gone, he had been so cruel to me lately, and there was no way I could be near him and watch him with all of those other women.

“Then why did you move back upstairs?”

“Because, Billy, you lied to me. I was still hurt about that. I needed some space. We needed some space.”

“And what about the flowers he sent you?”

“Oh my God, Billy. Stop it already! They mean nothing. That’s just the way Jeromy is. He’s impossibly sweet. He just wanted to let me know he was thinking of me. But that didn’t mean I was going to go running back into his arms. There is only one man who has my heart and he’s too busy stomping on it day in and day out to notice.”

“I never meant to hurt you, Stacy. I just wanted to give you the space you needed to repair your relationship with Jeromy. I love you so I wanted to give you what you wanted.”

“If you love me then why have you been so brutal to me, Billy?”

“It hurt watching you get back together with Jeromy. I wanted you to pick me but you went off with him. What could I do?”

“I never did anything with Jeromy!”

I started to walk away and move closer to my car but Billy moved quickly to wrap his body around me and hold me tight. “I know that now, but in my mind at that time I really thought you two were back together or at least trying to fix what I felt like I had helped break.”

He gently ran his finger over my bottom lip. “The thought of him touching you was killing me.”

“There is only one person I want to touch me and he’s standing right here in front of me. Did you really think it would be even possible to want another man after I had been with you? I love you, Billy, from the very depths of my soul. You are my everything.”

I traced his jaw with the barest touch of my fingertips. All I felt was the heat of his body next to mine. The rain coming down on us didn’t even faze me. I lost myself in feeling his body pressed up against me. My body began to tremble and he pulled me in closer, holding me tightly in his arms. “I love you,” he whispered. “I don’t ever want to be without you.” The incredible connection I felt to him at that moment was more than I could have ever hoped for. I felt all the empty places inside me fill with his very essence.

“I want to wake up every morning for the rest of my life and feel your warm naked body next to mine,” he said, while brushing my soaking wet hair back out of my face. He leaned in and kissed me. It was soft like he was being cautious, but so unbelievable that it took my breath away and left me feeling lightheaded.

“You’re so amazing, Stacy. You are like a dream come true. Sometimes I wake up and wonder what I ever did to deserve you and when I lost you it was more than I could take.”

I smiled and put my hands on the back of his neck and then gently ran my fingers through his hair. He smiled back and kissed me again. At first his kiss was soft and slow but then it began to build in intensity. I tightened my grip on his hair and he moaned and the soft kiss became hotter and more passionate.

I couldn’t fight the urge to touch him anymore, so my hands traced down his chest until I found the bottom of his shirt. I tugged on the bottom of it and then started working it upwards. Finally Billy realized what I was doing and pulled it off, and threw it to the side and as he did I could feel his well-defined muscles flex. That made my entire body tingle. I thought of nothing now but how unbelievable it was to be back in his arms.

He leaned in to kiss me again but all too soon he pulled his head back, breaking the kiss but keeping his lips close to mine as he huskily whispered my name. “Stacy. Oh my sweet Stacy.”

I swallowed hard and attempted to steady my voice, as well as my legs. “I love you, Billy.” At that moment I wanted him so badly that my entire body was quivering in fiery anticipation.

Billy whispered in my ear, “Then marry me. Be my wife.”

I couldn't believe the words that had just left his lips. I took a deep breath and let it out in a shuddering exhalation. My mind was awhirl with thoughts and emotions. It’s not possible. Is he serious? “Billy, no we can’t, it’s too soon.”

“We can. I’m not saying we have to get married today or even next month but I want you to know I’m serious. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

We kissed again to seal the deal. I was going to be Mrs. Billy Snow. Maybe not right away but one day and I was so happy.

Then he loosened his grip on me and let out a gasp of breath. I looked up at him to see what was wrong. He had a strange look on his face, one of deep pain and agony. Then his look was joined by a sort of confusion and haze.

I felt a warm sensation on my hands. I looked down and saw they were covered in his blood. I looked up at Billy. I didn’t understand. Where was all this blood coming from? Billy fell to his knees and that is when I saw the man standing behind him wielding a big knife. It was the same man from the Fourth of July fight. I recognized him right away.

I screamed in horror as he said, “I have you now” and jumped on top of me, forcing my skirt up around my waist, while holding my mouth with the hand he had the bloody knife in, trying to prevent me from screaming again.

Within seconds Vin picked the man up off of me, slamming his body on the ground while Devin and Rocco beat the man to a bloody pulp. I leaped up and threw myself over Billy’s lifeless body, crying and screaming for him to wake up. But he never did. Billy was gone and no amount of crying was going to bring him back to me. Pools of blood were beginning to form around him.

I leaned in and tried to breathe into his mouth as if somehow CPR would help. I didn’t know what to do. I just couldn’t give up. He couldn’t be dead. He can’t leave me like this.

Vin tried his best to get me to come inside and out of the rain but I wouldn’t hear of it. I clung to Billy’s body until the police and ambulance arrived and took him away.

I was overwhelmed by grief. My mind started playing tricks on me. As I lay across his body sobbing uncontrollably I started to think that this wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. There was no way he was dead. We were going to be married. I was going to be Mrs. Billy Snow.

Snow ... yes. We could have a winter wedding, maybe on Christmas Eve. That would be so beautiful. Does it ever snow in Houston? Maybe we could bring in fake snow like they do in movies. How wonderfully romantic would it be that just as I became Stacy Snow, it floated down all around me?

I could see the wedding scene in my mind. But the thoughts of my dream wedding would soon go away as the paramedics and police arrived. They were trying to pull me off of Billy’s body but I wouldn’t budge. I just screamed out and cried, “Nooooo!!!”

Vin picked me up and put me over his shoulder and carried me into the house. I kicked and screamed as he did, demanding he put me down. But he wasn’t listening. I was hysterical so one of the paramedics followed Vin into the house to check me out.

He put something on my upper arm. “What is this?” I asked frantically as I tugged at the large square thing now stuck to my arm. My body began to tingle, and my eyes started to get heavy. I tried to fight back the desire to sleep and focus on what was going on. I blinked several times but sleep was winning.

“It’s okay ma’am. It’s just something to help you calm down.”

“No! I don’t want to sleep. Billy needs me.”

“They are taking him away right now. What you need to do is to try and relax.”

When I finally came to I found myself lying on the couch, with Mindy and Bree not too far away, their eyes red and swollen. They too had been crying. Even Darla and Starla had broken down over Billy’s death.

At first I didn’t move a muscle. My eyes were open but I didn’t move any part of my body. My eyes just darted from person to person. I had no idea what anyone actually said to me. Their words were all sort of a mash of strange sounds and noises.

Suddenly I remembered some voicemails Billy had left me that day I went to see Jeromy’s mom. I never deleted those. I jumped up off of the couch, frantically looking for my phone. I must have startled everyone in the room as they all rushed to my side. I pushed person after person back as I tried to find my phone. Jeromy, who always seemed to be able to read my mind, picked it up off of the little side table near the front door where we had always kept our car keys.

“Is this what you are looking for?” he asked as he handed me my phone and then put his arm around me and walked me back to the couch. In my grief I hadn’t even realized he was there.

Jeromy sat down on the couch first and then pulled me down on his lap, cradling me in his arms. I barely noticed. My mind was occupied with pushing the buttons on my phone to find those messages. Finally I found the one I wanted, pushed play, and held the phone up to my ear. “Hey. I miss you babe.” Then I played the next one. “Where are you, Stacy? Come home soon, okay?” Hearing his voice was so soothing. It was almost as if he was here with me again, just waiting for me to call him back. I closed my eyes and just let the sound of his voice run through me.

Finally the motion of pushing the button and then putting the phone back to my ear became too taxing so I put it on speakerphone. The room fell silent as I played message after message from Billy. There were probably about ten of them in all. I don’t even know why I saved them on my phone. I guess I just never got around to deleting them. Now I’m glad I didn’t. It was the only thing I had left of him. As I started to fall back asleep, Jeromy gently tried to take the phone from me but I fought him off and held it tightly to my chest. This was all I had and I wasn’t letting it go.

I faded in and out of consciousness over the next few days which was preferable because when I was awake emotions overwhelmed me. When I closed my eyes I could still see him. I could almost feel his touch.

The next time I came to I was in the shower and Mindy and Bree were trying to clean me up. After my shower they led me to a chair in front of the bathroom mirror where they did their best to fix my hair and put some makeup on my face. I was so out of it, I didn’t even wonder why it was they were trying to clean me up. But when Trista walked into the bathroom with a black dress, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I started screaming, “No! No! No!” and the tears started rolling down my cheeks.

“Damn it, Trista. We just got her makeup done. Now look what you have done,” Mindy sniped while Bree tried to calm me down and hold me in place.

“I’m not ready for this. I can’t do it. No. I can’t. It’s too soon.”

Jeromy came in to see what had upset me this time and ripped the dress out of Trista’s hand, while giving her an evil glare. Trista left the room as Jeromy came into the bathroom, squatting down on the floor, trying to get eye level with me.

“I can’t, Jeromy. I can’t.” I shook my head and then put my face back in my hands to cry some more.

Jeromy turned to Vin, who was now standing behind him. “Get her some more.”

Oh God they were going to drug me again. “No!” I said loudly. Lowering my voice, I continued. “Please. I don’t want to be sedated. I can do this. I’m sorry. I’ll pull myself together. I promise.” I know they were only trying to help but I wanted a clear mind for Billy’s funeral. I needed to remember this day, as horrible as it would no doubt be.

Jeromy, who had always been a take charge kind of guy barked out instructions to everyone. Bree was to fix my makeup, Mindy was to get me in the dress they had picked out for me to wear, and Vin was to stay close by, just in case.

We need to leave here within an hour. We can’t be late today of all days, so hurry it up,” he snapped as he left the room.

I looked around at everyone else as they were getting me ready and I couldn’t understand why they didn’t have black on too. This was Billy’s funeral. They should be wearing black. The more time went on, the more it started to get to me. I felt myself starting to have another panic attack, then some women I didn’t recognize entered the room.

She was tall and slender with really long legs. She had really long brown hair that flowed down past her shoulders and fell into soft ringlet curls. She took me by the hand. “Hi, Stacy. How are you doing, sweetie?”

My immediate reaction is to jump up and scream how the hell do you think I’m doing? I am about to bury the love of my life, my soul mate and you are in here asking me how I am doing? Of course I didn’t say any of that. I just kept looking at her wondering who she was. She had a genuine look of concern on her face but for some reason having this person I didn’t know touching me just got to me. Then I looked at her clothes. She was in a nice dress but it wasn’t black. It was green. Why the hell was she here on this day of all days and not showing the proper respect and wearing black? That was just the final straw.

I screamed as loud as I could. “Jeromy!”

“I’m right here,” he said as he rushed to my side. The woman dropped her hold on me and stepped back, letting Jeromy in to console me. “It’s okay,” he said as he gently rubbed my arm.

“Why are people I don’t even know coming up to me and touching me on today of all days? Do they not get I’m about to bury my fiancé?”

As I said that, Mindy gasped and a strange look came over Jeromy’s face. Jeromy dropped to his knees in front of me, putting his hands on my face, forcing me to look up at him.

“No, Stacy, no.”

I guess I didn’t tell anyone that before he was killed Billy had asked me to be his wife.

Jeromy stood up and pulled me into him to hug me tightly. “Oh Stacy, they have you on a lot of medicine. You are just confused.”

I wasn’t confused though. I remembered every minute of my last night with Billy. I had run it in my head a million times. It was only everything after his death which was a blur. But before I could say anything, I pushed Jeromy out of the way and ran to the toilet. I had been sick a lot lately. It was one of the only things I did remember vividly from the past few days.

Jeromy came in to comfort me and held my hair back. He wanted me to see a doctor but I knew what was wrong with me. My body, mind, and soul were irreparably damaged. Of course I was sick over it. I watched the man I love being murdered and he died in my arms.

Afterwards, I splashed some water on my face and then asked everyone to give me a second. I needed just a moment alone. As I ran my hand along the contours of Billy’s dresser I noticed his lyric journal. I recognized it instantly as the one he had been writing in on our last day together. I had replayed that day in my mind and I remember vividly him scrolling down the words to some new song. I didn’t know for sure but I suspected it was about me, or maybe our relationship.

I picked it up and browsed through it. I found the last page he had written in. I sat down in his chair, the one he sat in so often while he watched me sleep. My hands were shaking as I held the book. What he wrote wasn’t complete but they were his words, his final words. The thoughts that had been on his mind just before he died.

Sometimes the worst thing you could ever do is fall in love. Love is cruel. Love is not always kind. I shed too many tears and wasted too much time.

I search for the right words to say. I wonder if you do the same.

I have to let you go. I have to say goodbye. I have to find a way to get you out of my mind. It’s over now. You broke my heart.

Someday you’ll miss me. Someday you’ll want me back. Someday you'll realize how lonely life can be.

I awake each morning to start a new day. But the pain of losing you never goes away.

Sometimes the worst thing you could ever do is fall in love. Love is cruel. Love is not always kind. I shed too many tears and wasted too much time.

My body began to shake and tears started to stream down my face yet again. Jeromy, hearing my distress, came into the room and wrapped me in his loving, supportive arms.

“It’s going to be okay, Stacy. You’ll see.”

“How is it going to be okay, Jeromy?” I really just didn’t understand how he could say that. It wasn’t going to be okay. My relationship with Billy may not have been that long, but he was my soul mate. The time we had together was the most amazing time of my life. He was my world and I didn’t know how I could go on without him.

“Listen, Stacy. I need you to really focus on my words right now. I need to make sure you understand some things.”

I rubbed the tears from my eyes and really tried to understand what Jeromy was saying to me. He had that serious look on his face that I hated all too much.

“We are about to head out and when we get to the hospital there are going to be some crowds. Are you sure you can handle this?”

Hospital? Why are we going to the hospital and not the funeral home?

But before I could ask Jeromy he continued. “Do you understand me, Stacy? I know they have you on a lot of meds right now to keep you calm, but I need you to try and pull yourself together. Billy needs you to be strong for him right now.”

I could hear every word Jeromy was saying but none of them made any sense. Billy was dead. I watched him die in my arms. I watched them put him on the stretcher and take him away. My mind flashed to that night and the image of him on the stretcher. Then I remember the IV bag hanging over the stretcher. Why would they give an IV to someone who was dead? My heart began to race.

“Jeromy, is Billy okay?”

“We don’t know yet. They’ve had him in a medically induced coma for the past few days while they operated on him. But today they are waking him up and that’s why we are going to the hospital.”

“To the ... hospital. Where Billy is. The hospital. In a coma.” I jumped up and a huge smile came over my face.

“Stacy, are you okay?”

“Oh my God, yes I am. I am wonderful. I can’t tell you how okay I am right now. Billy is alive and that is all that matters.”