Knotted Roots

Chapter TWENTY-THREE



I heard muffled voices calling my name. I tried to open my eyes, but it felt like there were lead weights on my eyelids, holding me in perpetual darkness. I took in the emptiness; basked in it for a moment, before I fought my way out. I slowly opened one eye and I was instantly blinded by an overhead light. I quickly closed it again and groaned. I felt like I had been run over by a truck. Every part of my body hurt.

“I think she’s coming around,” said a female voice. I felt a warm hand on my forehead as she spoke again. “Roxanne, can you hear me? If you can hear me, please open your eyes again.”

A part of me really wanted to do just that for her because her voice was shaking with fear, but there’s another part of me that would rather stay in the abyss. I could be happy there. No one is dying there. No one has lied to me there. No one treats me like a child there.

“Why is she not responding? Didn’t she just open an eye?” asked a masculine voice that seemed to be further away.

The warm hand left my face and I hated the lonely feeling that replaced it. Maybe I couldn’t be happy here. Could I live without the comforting feeling of someone’s body near mine? I began to doubt that choice. I slowly opened my eyes, trying to adjust to the glaring light.

“Light,” I whisper. I hear footsteps cross the room and then the lights were blessedly turned off. I let out a sigh of relief and resumed the effort of opening my eyes. I turned towards the direction of the female voice from moments ago and found Katy standing beside the bed.

“Hey girl. ‘Bout time you woke up. We’ve been sitting here freaking out for hours,” she said with a tense smile. She looked extremely uncomfortable standing there, her eyes darting around the room, keeping a watchful eye on everything around her. “How are you feeling?”

“I’ve had better days,” I responded weakly. This caused a relieved chuckle to flow through the room. “I’m okay.” I squeezed her hand that rested on the side of the bed. She finally gave me a real smile, one that reminded me of the joy she had shown that first day we met.

“What happened out there?”

“I...I’m not sure. The last thing I remember was running away from...” my eyes shot up, searching the room, as I remembered who I was running from. There, in the corner of the room, stood Chase. His eyes were focused on the floor as he rocked gently back and forth on the balls of his feet. “Chase. I was running from Chase.”

His haunted eyes slowly met mine and my heart stuttered. He had the same weary expression that Katy had, but his skin was devoid of all color. His mouth was set in a tight line, no smile played across his lips. Katy glanced back at him. A silent message passed between them before Katy returned her focus to me.

“I’m going to give you two a few minutes. I’ll run down to the cafeteria for a soda real quick.” She quickly turned and left, completely ignoring my grunts of protest. I looked away from Chase. Looked anywhere but at him. I still wasn’t sure if I was ready to face him, but he gave me no choice. He quickly closed the distance between us, sitting down in the chair beside my bed.

“Katy has been worried out of her mind.”

“I didn’t mean to worry...her,” I replied. I played with the edge of the thin blanket that was draped over my body. “I’m not even sure what happened.”

“Dr. Livingston believes it was a blackout. Caused by an emotional upheaval. Or some crap like that.” He reached up and grabbed my hand, bringing it to his lips. He kissed the back of my hand so gently that I could barely feel it. “Rox, I’m sorry. I know I keep saying that, and I’ll probably say it a thousand times more, but I mean it. I shouldn’t have said-”

“No, you were right. I do...push people away. And I was pushing you away. I think a small part of me is wishing that you would just hate me and get it over with. Then it would be so much easier to leave.”

“Is that what you want? To leave?” he whispered against my hand. The feel of his breath against my skin brought back memories of our night in my room. I shivered as I remembered the feel of his calloused hands sliding across my skin, on the underside of my breast.

“I don’t know...maybe. I don’t know what the hell I want anymore. One minute I want nothing more than to rip your clothes off,” his mouth fell open in shock, causing me to giggle. “And other times I want to go home. I miss my parents. I miss the city. But if I leave...what happens to Grandma? I just don’t know.”

Chase stood up and walked over to the window, his hands nestled in the front pockets of his jeans. I stared at his back, noticing the way his t-shirt clung to his shoulders, his muscles on display for all to see. I let my eyes trail down his body, taking in his form, branding the image in my memory.

“So...that’s what you’ve been worried about? Going home?” he asked without turning around.

“It’s what I’ve always worried about. But...the thought of going home hasn’t felt right lately. Every time I think about it, my stomach knots up and I feel like I’m gonna puke.” I pulled myself up to a sitting position and watched as Chase turned back towards me.

“Then stay. Obviously you like it here. Why not just stay here? Who said you have to go back to New York?” The hope in his voice and in his eyes nearly broke my heart. I could tell this was something that he felt strongly about. I had been thinking about that the night he stayed in my room, but I hadn’t had a chance to really make a decision.

“I don’t think that is going to work. My life is in New York. Besides, my parents would never let me.”

He walked over and sat down on the end of the bed. He grabbed my hand and squeezed. “At least consider the option. You still have a few weeks until you have to leave. I’m not asking you to make a decision right now, but at least think about it. I care about you. A lot. I don’t think life around here would be the same if you left.”

“Chase...I can’t...my parents. Look, I’ll think about it. That’s all I can promise,” I replied in a rush of words. I didn’t want to tell him that the seed had already been planted. I hadn’t talked to my parents about it yet, and I didn’t want to get his or Grandma’s hopes up. Regardless of what they were going through right now, there was always the chance that they would say no.

I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if they said yes. Could I really give up my old life for one here?



* * * *



I was finally by myself, after two hours of being watched over and coddled. I didn’t mind someone taking care of me, especially someone as hot as Chase, but I needed to be alone. I needed time to think about what I was going to do. A knock at the door caused me to jump, and then let out a loud sigh. I didn’t want more company and I thought I had made that perfectly clear.

“Am I in the right room?” asked a woman as she poked her head in the door. I had a vague recollection of her face, but her voice was the trigger. Cindy. My mother’s old friend who had tried to welcome me to town when I first arrived. Out of all the people in the town, why would she be here? Especially after the way I had treated her that day. “May I come in?”

I sat up in the bed and pulled the blanket up to my chest. “Sure, come on in.” She walked in, looking much less nervous than she had that first day. It was hard to imagine that it had been over two months ago. “What can...what brings you...what are you doing here?” She smiled at me and some of my apprehension dissolved.

“Betty called me. She said that she hoped you and I could talk. About...well...everything. What she’s going through. What you’re going through. Anything and everything,” she replied as she stood at the foot of the bed. I waved my hand, indicating that she should sit down, and she lowered herself down on the edge of my bed. “I don’t expect that my words will change your life, but I hope that you at least hear me out.”

“This is about the cancer, right?” I was nervous. I didn’t know what this woman, who I barely knew, could possibly understand about what I was feeling.

“My mother died when I was eleven from Breast Cancer,” she started. “She was such an amazing woman, so full of life. But when she was diagnosed she lost something. I didn’t know what it was then, but I know now that it was her hope. She kept hearing that her only choice was radiation and chemo. But she didn’t want that. She had heard the horror stories.”

Cindy stood up and paced the room; her shoulders slumped as she walked. “She didn’t want to live like that. The doctors told her that her survival rate would be even lower if she didn’t, but she knew that either way, she was going to die. She wanted to die on her own terms. She didn’t want a doctor lowering the boom on her, telling her when her life would be over.”

I slid to the edge of the bed as she spoke, my legs swinging over the edge. “How long did they think she would live?” I had to ask. Her mother may not have wanted to know, but I needed this. I needed to know what I was facing.

“Six months,” she said with a sad smile. “But she defied all odds. She resisted the treatments, instead just making a bigger effort to take care of herself. She lived another two years before her body just gave out.” She stopped pacing and looked me right in the eye. Her face was determined and strong. “I’m telling you this because your grandma needs you to understand why she chose what she did. She didn’t choose this path to hurt you. She chose this path to save you some pain.”

“I get it. I do,” I said as I stood up and planted my feet. “I don’t want to understand, but I do. It’s hard to watch someone you...care about...shit. Love. Let’s just be real about it. I love her. It’s hard to watch her die. It would be easier if she...” I couldn’t finish the sentence. It was too much to say aloud. If she would die quickly.

Cindy walked over and pulled me to her, her arms squeezing me tightly. “I, better than anyone else, know how you’re feeling. It’s okay to feel that way. Embrace it. That anger will help you. But just remember that the anger you feel isn’t toward her. It’s toward the disease.” She lightly kissed me on the forehead before pulling away from me. “I also want you to know that I’m here. When you leave, I’ll be here to help Betty. I would never abandon her, especially since she basically saved my life when I was a kid.”

I was confused by her statement. Grandma saved her life? “How?” I asked quickly. “I mean, what did she do?”

She turned away from me, but I caught sight of tears welling up before she could hide it. When she spoke, the pain was stifling her words. “When my mother finally succumbed to the disease, your grandmother took me in. She let me into her family. My dad was never the same after she died, always drinking and yelling. He wasn’t a perfect man before she died, but after...It was like living with a stranger.

“So Betty convinced him to give up custody of me. She knew that your mother and I were already like sisters. It wasn’t a stretch for us to make it permanent.” She paused as she wiped away the moisture that had escaped her eyes. “To this day, I’ve never told anyone what I had planned to do. The day before she took me in, I had contemplated ending it all. I missed my mom so much...all I wanted was to see her again.”

Cindy sat down again, lowering her head to her hands. She could no longer control herself, her body shook as her emotions took over. I could do nothing but stare at her. She was opening up, telling me things that she hadn’t even told my mother. My mother who was her best friend, and her sister, for years. I knew there was nothing I could say that would help her. She had to get all of this out in the open on her own.

“Betty saved my life. I stayed with your family until I was eighteen. Angela and I were sisters by then, but we fought like them as well. When we went our separate ways for college, we lost touch. I’ve regretted that every day of my life.” She looked up at me, her face red and puffy from crying. “I kept in touch with Betty over the years, but we slowly drifted apart. I was no longer here to see her, and she wouldn’t leave the farm long enough to visit. So...we lost touch for a while.”

I snorted as I thought about how many people Grandma had deserted all because of that stupid farm. “That farm seems to be her only true love,” I replied, the bitterness strong in my voice, but I didn’t want to control it. At that moment, I wanted vengeance for my mother. For Cindy. These two women, who loved Grandma, who had lost out to a piece of land full of smelly animals. “She treated my mother the same way.”

Cindy looked shocked by my words. There was a flicker of hurt on her face, but it passed so quickly that I could have been mistaken. “You’re wrong. It wasn’t the farm itself that meant so much. It was the people here who still needed her. Chase...Brian...just to name a few. These are kids from broken homes. Kids that wouldn’t know the true meaning of family, because theirs were so completely torn apart.”

I was getting angry. Could she not see what had actually happened? Grandma had made her choice, and it hadn’t been her or my mother. “What about you? And my mom? What about the two people that she called her own? She threw you both away. How can you say that she is this savior, when she has hurt those around her for years?”

“She let us grow on our own. That’s not letting us go. Sometimes there are times that we, as adults, have to make hard choices. She chose to help those that were still here. Without her, Chase and Brian would have ended up God knows where. Their parents weren’t bad. Just self-absorbed. They both spent too much time working, not enough with their kids. Betty stepped in, offered to babysit for them, and the rest is history.”

“When their dad died, their mother completely closed off. But they aren’t the only kids that your grandma helped. There are more. A lot more.” I could hear the reverence in her voice when she spoke of Grandma. I still felt the loss deep within my heart, but at least I now knew why she had done what she had. I wished that she had told me, but then I thought back to our conversations. Most of them ended in yelling. Not once had I ever allowed her a true chance to tell me about her past.

Never once had I stopped thinking about how I felt and put myself in her shoes. Until now. And I now knew that all the pain and anger I harbored towards her was unfounded. She hadn’t abandoned me. She knew that my parents took good care of me and that I would want for nothing. If what Brian told me was true, she had kept tabs on me and my achievements growing up. She did care. She just knew that there were others who needed her so much more than I did.

The full realization of everything I had put her through over the summer came slamming back into me. I had been a monster to her, never giving her the chance to truly know me. She had tried, but I pushed her away every time. Everyone around me knew me better than I knew myself, all of them picking up on my insecurities and issues long before I even realized it. I knew right then and there that I had to make it right. I had to make the most of the time we had left.

With my mind made up I walked over to where Cindy sat. I placed my hand on her shoulder as she looked up at me. “Thank you.” She smiled up at me and I returned the gesture. My mind was made up. My next step was to make a few phone calls that would change the course of my life forever.