Knotted Roots

Chapter NINETEEN



As we drove down the road that led to Grandma’s house, my hand encased in Chase’s, I felt secure for the first time since arriving in Perry Point. I felt more complete than I had in years. I had a lot of people to thank for that, but the one person who I knew I needed to thank was Grandma. I was still hurt that she hadn’t told me that she was sick, but I could understand her reasoning behind it.

We pulled onto the dirt road that led to her house, but my eyes were instantly assaulted by the flashing of lights. I sat up straighter, my heart jumping into my throat as I took in the scene that was unfolding before me. We got to the yard and found two police cars and an ambulance parked there, their lights flashing for the entire world to see.

Before Chase could put the car in park I already had the door open. I rushed to the front steps, taking them two at a time, and slammed into the front door. I grabbed the handle and threw the heavy wood door open, crashing into the wall with a loud smack.

“Grandma!” I ran into the living room, but couldn’t find her. I continued to yell her name as I ran out and up the stairs to her bedroom. He door was open and I could hear voices coming from her private space. I ran in and stopped abruptly. She was lying on her bed, her body sweating and convulsing, as emergency personnel surrounded her bed. “Grandma! No!”

I tried to get close to her, but one of the officers grabbed my arm, stopping my approach. I tried to shake off his touch, but he tightened his grip. He pulled me out of the room as I screamed for the woman who was lying there, helpless. When we got in the hall he stood in front of me, blocking my view of her room and what was happening in there.

“Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to stay out here. I know you want to be in there with her, but right now it’s more important for you to let us do our job,” he spoke slowly, his voice full of kindness.

“What’s going on? Is she okay? Please! Tell me what is happening to my grandmother!” I was losing control, the words screeching from my mouth.

“We’re trying to help her, but I need you to calm down. Okay?” He glanced to the side as footsteps pounded up the stairs. When Chase saw us there he immediately grabbed me and pulled me to his chest, his menacing glare focused on the officer.

“It’s okay. Shhh. She’s gonna be okay,” he soothed me like a child. I wanted to crumple to the floor, but his strong arms held me tight.

He walked with me to my room down the hall, leaving the door open just in case one of the officers needed to talk to me. We sat on the bed, his arms glued around me, as I wept on his shoulder. I couldn’t stop the tears this time, and I had no inclination to halt them, even as the sobs racked my body.

“I need to see her. Damn them for this! I want to see her!” I yelled the last part loud enough so they were guaranteed to hear me. I was on the verge of a tantrum and I knew I had to calm down, but the rational part of my brain wasn’t cooperating this time.

“Breathe. Deep breaths, in and out,” said Chase as he rubbed my arm.

“Why won’t they tell me what’s going on?” I asked as I stared at the door, willing them to walk through and tell me everything was okay.

“They’ll tell you when they know something. I promise. They aren’t trying to keep you in the dark,” he replied.

“I can’t lose her Chase. Not after everything...not now. Dear God...not now,” I said as the tears began to pour from my eyes again. I could feel my heart splinter into a million fragments, the pieces falling all around me like glass, destined to be trampled on repeatedly. There was nothing I could do but wait. I had waited all my life to finally know her. I’d be waiting as her life faded slowly before my eyes. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and this time it slammed down with such a vengeance that I couldn’t imagine coming back from it.



* * * *



It felt like an eternity passed before one of the officers joined us in my room. His presence made the room feel smaller suddenly, more lonely, and I immediately wanted him to leave.

“Roxanne, the ambulance is transporting your grandmother to Perry Point Hospital right now. They aren’t sure what caused all of this, but I promise you, the doctors there are great. They will figure all of this out,” he said with a small smile on his lips, the act seemingly forced.

“She has cancer. Please, tell them she has cancer. She...she didn’t tell me until tonight,” I spoke quietly, feeling Chase’s arms tighten around me.

“Thank you. I’ll make sure to tell the EMTs that information. Has she been getting treatment?” he asked as he pulled out his notepad.

“No, she didn’t want it,” I replied.

“Would you like to go with her to the hospital? Or would you like to follow?” he asked as his gaze flickered between Chase and I. I looked into Chase’s eyes and he nodded.

“I’ll follow behind. Thank you,” I said as I stood up, Chase still clinging to my side.



The drive to the hospital was miserable, the flashing lights drawing my eyes like a moth to the flame, making it impossible to focus anywhere else. I could hear Chase talking to me, trying to distract me, but I couldn’t focus on him. I kept seeing her face, deathly pale and covered in a sheen of sweat, as she lay on the bed. The emergency personnel had been unable to tell me anything, a fact that unnerved me almost as much as her deathly pallor.

“Roxie? Did you hear me?” Chase asked, drawing my attention away from my dark thoughts. I shook my head wordlessly and glanced at him. “She’ll be fine. We have to believe that.”

“Can you promise that? Can you promise that she will beat this? No? Didn’t think so,” I replied sarcastically.

“I would never make that kind of promise. But you can’t go in that hospital thinking she won’t come back out. Positive thinking, and all that crap,” he said as he grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly.

“I’m positive that this has been one of the worst days of my life. I’m positive that I’m about to lose her after I just got to know her. I’m positive that I wish I hadn’t come here,” I said. As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them. “I’m sorry. I didn’t...didn’t mean that I...I didn’t mean you Chase. I’m so glad I met you.”

He squeezed my hand again but didn’t say anything. I could tell from the look on his face that my words had hurt him, but it was the truth. If I had never come here then I wouldn’t feel like my heart was being ripped from my chest. What would I feel like if, when, she died? Would I fall to pieces like my mother did when Grandpa died? I didn’t want to feel that way.

“I’m sorry. I really am,” I said, turning my attention to the passenger window, away from his pain-filled eyes.



An hour later we were still in the waiting room, no information had been shared with us, and my nerves were becoming raw. I needed to know what was going on. It shouldn’t have taken that long to figure it out, right? I mean, it was the cancer doing it, so there should be some type of test that could help her.

“What the hell is taking so long?” I asked as I paced in front of Chase who was sitting on one of the hard couches.

“Sit down, Roxie. Driving yourself crazy won’t make them go any faster,” he replied as he patted the cushion beside him.

I sat down and leaned back, closing my eyes and resting my head on his arm that was draped behind me. We stayed that way for a while, neither of us needing to say a word. Both of our hearts were being slowly crushed as we waited to find out what was going on. I knew that he was affected by all this just as much, maybe more, than I was. The sound of a familiar ringtone snapped my attention to my pocket. I pulled my phone out, finding my mother’s face on the screen, causing me to almost drop the phone.

“Hello?” I answered with a sigh.

“Hey baby. How’s it going?” she asked, her voice laced with happiness. She obviously hadn’t heard the news yet. Great.

“Mom, there’s something I need to tell you,” I said as I stood up and walked a few feet away from Chase. “We’re at the hospital with-”

“What happened? Are you hurt? Oh my God!” she interrupted me, instantly panicking at the mention of the hospital.

“Mom, calm down. It’s not me, it’s Grandma,” I said as I took a deep breath. “They haven’t told us what’s going on yet. But I have a feeling it’s about...”

“About what?” she snapped, her worry instantly turning to frustration.

“Did you know she was sick? I mean, did she tell you before you sent me here?” I heard her take a sharp breath and I knew. “You knew! How could you not tell me?”

“Oh baby...I’m so sorry. She didn’t want you to know! She knew that she would make it through the summer without problems. She didn’t want you to spend the summer treating her like she was dying,” she said and I could hear the sobs begin to take over.

“But she is! She’s dying, and I have to sit here and pretend that everything is peachy keen? What the hell?” I yelled this time, unable to control the frustration that was building within me.

“I know it’s hard-”

“No, you don’t! You know nothing! You’re up there, just waiting for her to kick the bucket! I’m down here, right in the middle of it all! Dammit Mom! You should be here, not me!”

We were both crying by this time and I could no longer find the strength to hold the phone to my ear. I heard it drop to the floor, the dull thud ringing in my ears, but I could do nothing. I collapsed to the floor, my legs turning to jelly as my mom’s words sunk in. She had known, from the beginning, and yet she still sent me here. My heart had been pulverized, destroyed, and nothing could bring it back from the damage this time.

I felt strong hands lift me as I fought through the fog that had invaded my head. The pain was unimaginable, squeezing my body until I could no longer hold back the scream. I let it flow from my mouth, my throat taking the abuse of a thousand wrong doings. I could feel Chase rubbing my back, holding me close, but it made no difference. My brain had shut itself off, slamming its gate shut, blocking off the outside world.

“Shhh...it’s okay...I’m here,” I could hear him whisper those words, over and over, but my cries and screams were drowning him out. I suddenly had the urge to punch something, destroy it the way I felt I had been destroyed. My mother knew, and didn’t tell me. My grandma knew, and didn’t tell me.

The cries gradually lessened, leaving my throat raw and throbbing. I had never let my emotions control me like that before, but it felt right. I was no longer holding them in, scared that someone would think less of me for feeling, for caring. I raised my eyes to meet Chase’s and found his glossy with unshed tears. I snuggled into his chest and let him hold me. I wanted nothing else in that moment than to escape, to leave all of this behind, and return to the day before.

“I’m,” I tried to speak, but stumbled, my throat feeling like a thousand needles were trapped inside, stabbing me repeatedly. “Sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“No sorry needed,” he replied as he pulled back to look at me. “Feel better now?”

“No. I doubt I’ll ever feel better. They both lied to me, Chase. They kept something huge from me! I’m not a child. I could have handled it,” I said as I felt my emotions bubble up again.

“You may not understand it right now, but I’m sure there’s a reason for them doing it. I don’t know your mom, but I do know Betty. She would never, never, do something to purposely hurt someone. It’s just not in her.”

I nodded, trying to appease him, but inside I was unsure. I needed to talk to her. I began to wonder where the doctor was and why we hadn’t heard anything yet. I stood up and walked over to the desk, waiting for the nurse to acknowledge me. When she finally looked up, she gave me a pitying smile, proving that everyone had witnessed my little breakdown.

“I was wondering if...if there was any news on my grandma. Her name’s Betty Carson,” I asked quietly.

She began tapping on the keyboard in front of her, her eyes searching for the information that I craved. “She’s stable. Dr. Livingston is in with her right now. He should be out soon dear.”

I thanked her and walked back to Chase, but I couldn’t sit down. I couldn’t sit there and pretend that my world wasn’t crashing down around me. I held out my hand to him, and when he grasped it, I pulled him to his feet.

“I can’t sit anymore. But I don’t want to look stupid standing here alone,” I admitted sheepishly when he looked at me questioningly. I needed that comfort. I needed that reassurance that I wasn’t alone, and that there was something more than hope to hold onto. Silently, he pulled me into his arms, and clung together, waiting, hoping.