Knotted Roots

Chapter TWENTY-TWO



I couldn’t stop fidgeting as we waited for Dr. Livingston to make an appearance. I tried to sit, but I couldn’t get my body to cooperate with my brain. Chase kept telling me to calm down and sit, while Grandma dozed off and on. She didn’t seem very worried about what the doctor was going to say. She hadn’t been very lucid since we had arrived, which was to be expected, but I had been hoping to talk to her before the doctor got there.

I had lain awake for hours the night before; unable to stop thinking about what was coming. I kept wondering what would happen to her when I left. Who would take care of her when the cancer progressed? Would Chase and Brian be willing to pick up more of the slack on the farm? I was pretty certain that they would do everything in their power to make sure she was taken care of, but could I ask that of them?

A plan had begun to form in my mind, but I wanted to talk to Grandma about it before I made a decision. Something this huge couldn’t be decided on a whim. I wanted to talk to Chase about it, but he had been unusually quiet this morning. I didn’t want to interrupt his thoughts, so I kept mine to myself.

A knock sounded at the door, dragging my attention from the bare wall that I had been staring at for the past five minutes. Dr. Livingston entered the room smiling. Hope blossomed in my chest. He couldn’t come in with that kind of smile and deliver bad news, right?

“Good morning y’all. How’s my favorite patient doing this morning?” he asked as he smiled at Grandma. She was slowly waking up, the medications making her extremely groggy. He didn’t wait for an answer, instead opening the file in his hands and taking a seat in the only open chair in the room. “We’ve gotten all the blood work and test results back. It seems that there is a large mass in Betty’s right lung. We will need to run more tests before we know for sure, but from the size of it...”

I listened as he talked about a biopsy, white blood cells, and other things that meant nothing to me. I was no doctor, but from what I could gather, Grandma was in serious trouble. This was more serious than Grandma had let on when she told me, and I could feel my blood threatening to boil again. I tried to calm myself down, not wanting to have another breakdown right then. My head was spinning as he told her about the treatments that were available, and their success rates.

“I already told ya Doc. I don’t want treatment. They’ll kill ya faster than anything else,” said Grandma as she tried to sit up in the bed. I moved as if to help her, but she shooed me away. Once she was upright, she continued. “I just want to enjoy what time I have left. By the way, happen to know how much time that would be?”

“It’s too early to tell conclusively Betty. Besides, those are only estimates. No one but the good Lord knows when He’ll call you home,” said Dr. Livingston.

“Grandma, please. Won’t you even consider treatment? I mean, what if it saves you? Would you really walk away from something that could save your life?” I asked in a rush, my anger clawing to the surface, demanding release.

She stared at me like I had grown two heads and shook her head. “No, I won’t consider them. I made up my mind months ago. This is what I want.”

“Be damned what the rest of us think or feel, right?” I stood up in a huff. I stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind me. I ran down the hall at full speed, my shoes slipping occasionally. The stark white walls flew by, no longer looking clean. They were the walls that housed disease and despair, and in that moment, I wanted to blame them for what was wrong with Grandma. I needed someone to blame.

I pushed my way out the front doors of the hospital and took off at a full run again. I had no idea where I was going, but I knew I couldn’t stay there any longer. Every minute spent there felt like another minute of her life being carved away. It was irrational for me to blame others for the cancer, and as much as my mind knew that, I couldn’t stop the rage induced thoughts settling in my heart and mind.

I slowed down once the hospital was out of view. I found myself on an unknown street, a few houses on either side, all of them picturesque and haunting at the same time. They resembled what I had used to call a perfect home, but I now knew that those walls probably hid secrets and pain, as every other house does. I watched as a mother and daughter played in the front yard, both of them in bathing suits, as they ran through the sprinkler. It was a simple joy. One that I had never experienced before.

I never thought that I had missed anything growing up in New York City. I had everything a little girl could ever want. My parents bought me the latest toys, took me to see all the Broadway shows, and my mother took me for a spa day every weekend. Life was great; at least I had thought it was when I was living it. Now, I found that while I may have had everything I ever wanted, I hadn’t had everything I needed.

I had needed a parent who would run in the front yard with me, laughing while the water splashed in our faces. I had needed a parent who spent time, not money. I had needed a parent who showered me in love, not presents. I had needed that parent that I watched in the front yard. I had needed a real home, not a penthouse suite. A yard, trees, a garden, all of those things that people spend their leisurely days tending to.

I kept walking as these thoughts swirled through my mind. The air was refreshing, opening my soul a little bit more with each step that I took. It was nice to just walk and let go of everything that was happening back at the hospital. My idea from last night was all but forgotten, only resurfacing as I thought of Grandma’s future. I wanted to help her. I wanted a life here in Perry Point, with the people who loved me, but how could I have that life?

I walked until there were no more houses, only trees. I didn’t recognize where I was, and my nerves were beginning to fray again. Chill bumps broke out on my arms along with the nagging feeling of being watched. I glanced over my shoulder, but didn’t see anyone. I peered into the trees that surrounded me, but there was no movement.

“Breathe. Get yourself together,” I said to myself. I decided this was the perfect time to turn back. I could only escape reality for so long before it would come crashing back, making its presence known once again. I had a sinking suspicion that when it did, it would hit me with a vengeance. As I made my way back towards town, I couldn’t shake the feeling of eyes boring into my back. I repeatedly glanced over my shoulder, paranoia beginning to get out of hand.

I was suddenly aware of the sound of footsteps behind me. I increased my speed, hoping to out run whoever was approaching. I didn’t want to look behind me, but my body was in control now. When I saw who was behind me I immediately stopped.

“Are you trying to scare the crap out of me?” I yelled as Chase sped up to close the distance between us.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he replied. He came to a stop in front of me, his hands immediately seeking mine out. I snatched them away and put them in my pockets. I didn’t want to touch him right then. I didn’t want him to take away my pain and anger. I needed to feel all of those emotions for myself. “Sorry. I just thought that...”

“I get it.” I took a deep, calming breath, the air filling my lungs to capacity. It felt heavy and oppressive, almost as if I was drowning right there on the sidewalk. “I just needed some time by myself. Away from everyone.”

“Betty’s pretty upset right now. She wants to talk to you about all of this.”

I turned away from him and continued my hurried walk. “I don’t want to talk to her right now. Not while I’m still mad. I need...time.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me to a stop. I tried to pull back, but this time he kept his grip firm.

“Do you really think she has all the time in the world right now? Every moment you spend mad at her is one you won’t get back. Is that what you really want?”

“She waited this long to tell me about it, so she can wait a day or two while I work things out in my own head. I don’t need your guilt trip Chase. I know what’s happening. She’s dying. I’m...we’re losing her.” He pulled me to his chest, but I pushed away, my hands balling into fists on his chest. He looked hurt, almost as if I had physically slapped him across the cheek. “Push everyone away if you want. Seems to be what you’re best at.”

My jaw fell open at his words, but I quickly recovered. My hand cracked across his cheek, the sound echoing all around us. “Screw you.” I growled out the words, desperately trying to maintain my composure as a fist seemed to squeeze my heart, wringing the life from me as I mentally reeled from his words. “I don’t need your help. I don’t need anything from you. Just leave me alone!”

I took off at a run again, this time not bothering to look behind me. I knew he wouldn’t be there when I turned. There was nothing left to say between us now. Everything we had built had once again come crashing down around us. This was one more sign that I needed to just go home. I could head back to New York and still have a few weeks of summer left to spend with my friends. I wouldn’t miss this year’s White Party. I could make up with Amber.

That last thought caused my heart to clutch again. I grabbed at my chest as my steps faltered. I couldn’t keep going anymore. I had to sit down, but as I made the move to sit, my vision grew blurry, turning gray at the edges. Before I knew it I was falling, and my face made contact with the pavement. My last thought before everything went black? I wished Chase were here.