Knotted Roots

Chapter EIGHTEEN



Katy talked constantly from the moment we left the farm. I’m serious. It was constant. A part of me wanted to put a pillow over her face as she lay on the floor of my bedroom, but another part of me was just so excited to have someone to really talk to. I’ve had friends before, but none of them ever asked me what I was thinking. They didn’t take the time to ask me if everything was okay, and sure, Katy had already asked me that one at least a dozen times, but it made me smile every time.

“Hey, you still awake?” she whispered from the floor. I leaned over and hung my head off the bed.

“Yep,” I replied with a grin.

“So...I know it’s none of my business, but...” she paused, taking a deep breath. “Do you really not like Chase anymore?”

“You’re right, it’s none of your business,” I replied as I lay back down on the bed.

“You’re not going to answer, are ya?” she asked.

I leaned back over the side and looked her right in the eye. “Why does it matter?”

“It always matters. Besides, I know that he still likes you,” she said with a wicked grin. I laughed at her and sat up on the bed. She jumped up and sat beside me on the bed. “Come on Roxie. Why can’t you just admit that you still care about him? It’s just you and me here.”

“Because there’s no point. He made it clear that things between us weren’t worth fighting for. I don’t want someone in my life who doesn’t think I’m worth a little bit of pain and strife.”

“But aren’t you telling him the same thing by acting like you’re okay with it?” she asked as she stood up and walked to the window.

“It’s completely different. I can’t just sit there and beg him to give me a chance. I’d make a complete fool out of myself.”

“I’m not seeing any difference in how you’ve been acting lately,” she said. I threw a pillow at her, hitting her squarely in the back of the head. She just laughed and tossed it back at me. “Call him. What can it hurt? I mean, you’re friends, right? Friends call friends all the time.”

“Let it go Katy. I’m not calling him. I can’t,” I said as I lay back down and pulled the covers over my head. I heard her walk back to her pallet on the floor and lie down. I didn’t want to think about Chase anymore. That ship had sailed already, and I needed to let him go and move on. With only a month left of my vacation, I couldn’t let thoughts of him consume me.



The next morning I was woken up by the most obnoxious ringtone in history. No, really, it was that bad. I sat up and looked down at a still snoring Katy, wrapped up like a burrito on the floor. I knew it wasn’t my phone ringing, so I threw a pillow at her, hoping she would wake up long enough to turn that horrid noise off. Other than a grunt, I got no response from her. I stood up to find the phone, finally discovering it on the floor by her head, buried under her wild hair.

I picked it up from the floor and dropped it on her chest. This was obviously a bad idea, because she popped up immediately, fists swinging in the air. I jumped away from her, laughing the whole time. She looked like an escapee from an asylum, her hair a tangled mess, sticking out in every direction. She scowled at me and lay back down, closing her eyes.

“Nuh uh. Wake up,” I said as I nudged her with my toe. She rolled over on her side and looked up at me.

“No...go away,” she said as she wiped the sleep from her eyes.

“Not happening. Your phone has been squawking at me. Do something with it,” I said, sticking my tongue out at her as I stumbled to my closet.

I grabbed some clothes and went to the bathroom for a shower. When I got out, Katy was sitting on my bed talking to someone. From the sound of her voice, it wasn’t going very well.

“No! I won’t tell her anything! You tell her if it’s that important,” she spoke heatedly. She nodded as she listened to the caller. “Nope. Can’t. Won’t. Nuh uh. I gotta go.”

She hung up and smiled at me. “Good call?” I asked as I ran a brush through my hair, snagging the brush a few times on my unruly curls.

“You could say that. It was Chase,” she replied as she threw on a fresh pair of clothes.

“And you’re supposed to tell someone something...”

“Nope, nothing,” she said. “What’s for breakfast?” She smiled and walked out of the room. Following, I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head, realizing that this kooky girl was going to be hard to say goodbye to.



* * * *



Monday morning came way too fast, bringing with it the knowledge that I would get to at least see Chase. Pathetic, I know, but a girl has to take joy where she can find it. I was actually ready before Grandma for a change, taking up her job of waiting impatiently at the front door. When she came down the stairs I immediately noticed her pale face and tight-set lips. When she made it to the bottom step she stumbled, her foot slipping, causing her to throw her hands out. I grabbed her to steady her and noticed her hands felt frailer than they had before.

“Are you okay?” I asked, concern consuming me.

“I’m fine. Just a misstep,” she replied as she stood up straight again. She tried to give me a reassuring smile, but it looked pained and forced.

“Are you sure? Cause you don’t look so good. Have you been sleeping well?” I asked as we walked out the front door to her truck.

“I’m fine. Let it go,” she snapped. She let out a deep sigh and turned around to face me. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I just haven’t been feeling very good the past few days. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Why haven’t you gone to the doctor? What if something is really wrong?” I questioned, hysteria threatening to bubble up.

“I’m sure it’s nothing sweetie. Let’s just get to work,” she replied as she climbed into the truck. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong, but I knew I couldn’t push her. She was a stubborn old bird and didn’t like being badgered about anything. I contemplated bringing it up to Brian or Chase, but I wasn’t sure if they knew she was feeling ill or not. I didn’t want to cause any unneeded concern for them.

I jumped into the truck and buckled up, catching sight of Grandma’s knuckles that had turned white on the steering wheel. She was hiding something from me, I knew it, but how would I bring it up again without upsetting her even more? I would definitely need to bring in the cavalry on this one. I shot a quick text to Katy asking her to meet me at the farm. Maybe she would be able to talk some sense into Grandma. It was worth a shot, at least.



* * * *



At the end of the day I still hadn’t heard back from Katy, which worried me, but as I watched Grandma throughout the day I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was getting worse. She stayed in her office for most of the day, most of the time with her head on the desk. I pulled Brian aside to ask him if he had noticed anything weird, but his answer didn’t make me feel any better.

“She’s been having these ‘spells’ for a while now. I’ve tried to get her to go see the doc, but she swears she’s fine,” he said. “Do you think it’s something serious?”

“I...I hope not,” I replied as I glanced over his shoulder. Grandma was talking to Chase in her office, both of them in the middle of a heated conversation. Their hands were flying around, both of them more animated than I had ever seen before. “What’s going on in there?”

He glanced back at them, and then returned his attention to me. “Not sure. Maybe Chase has noticed as well.”

We went our separate ways, both of us assuring the other that we would keep a sharp eye on her. Chase exited the office moments later, a scowl on his face, making me believe that he had lost whatever argument they had been engaged in. I avoided making eye contact with him for the rest of the day. He didn’t seem interested in a conversation with me, so I obliged by avoiding him. It was my best defense mechanism so far.



At home that night, as Grandma and I ate dinner, I finally got a response from Katy. She had been with her parents all day, unable to get away, but promised to call me later. I replied and then put the phone away, determined to question Grandma right then.

“I know something’s wrong. Let’s make this easy, and you just tell me what is going on,” I said casually as I played with the mashed potatoes on my plate.

“I can’t,” she replied. “It’s...I can’t say the words.”

My gaze shot up to meet her eyes. There were tears there, threatening to fall, but she wiped her eyes to try to stop them. “Please. I need to know. If it’s that bad, I have a right to know.”

She nodded slowly and set her fork down on the table. “You’re right. You do. But what I’m about to tell you can’t leave this room.” I nodded as encouragement, my heart rate racing in anticipation. “I’m sick. Really sick.”

“How sick?” I whispered.

“Very sick. I have cancer, Roxie.”

I released the breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. Her words felt like a sucker punch to the stomach. How could she keep something like that from me? “How long have you known?”

“Since January,” she said as tears finally fell, rolling softly down her cheeks.

“Oh God,” I said as I slumped back in my seat, my eyes fixed on her face. No wonder she looked so pale and frail. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t noticed before now. Was I that self-absorbed that I couldn’t tell that my grandmother was wasting away before my eyes. “Are you...I mean, have you...shit.”

“Language, young lady,” she replied in typical Grandma fashion.

“Screw that! You just told me you have cancer! I think I’m entitled to a few choice cuss words!” I yelled as I slammed my hands down on the table, causing her to jump in surprise. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my rattled nerves. “What can they do? I mean, there’s chemo and radiation, right? Have you tried those yet?”

“I didn’t want to, sweetie,” she said with a sigh. “I talked to my doctor, and from what I could gather, my quality of life would be in the crapper if I did those. I would rather have a few bad days instead of being miserable every day.”

“You’re giving up?” I asked, causing her to shake her head no. “That’s what it feels like.”

“It’s quality versus quantity. I wanted to enjoy the little bit of time I had left.”

I stared at her, my mouth hanging open. It wasn’t the first time someone had chosen that route, and I could almost understand why she chose it, but I couldn’t understand why I was here. Why had I been allowed to come here when there was no guarantee she would make it through the summer?

“Why even let me come down here? Why not just let me mourn a woman I had never really known, instead of crushing me when you die? That’s selfish!” I jumped to my feet, slamming the chair into the wall. “I won’t sit here and let you die! I refuse to watch you kill yourself!”

I ran from the room as sobs wracked my body. When I made it to my room I immediately threw myself on my bed, hugging my pillow tightly to my chest. She had known for months that she was dying, and she still allowed me to come down here. I couldn’t help but think she was selfish for even entertaining the idea, much less going through with it.

I wanted to break something, scream at the top of my lungs, and cry all at the same time. My mind and body screamed to get out of this house, away from what was crushing my heart. Could I run away? Where would I even go? Katy was with her parents, Brian and I weren’t really close, and Chase wanted nothing to do with me. I had no one to turn to. I knew that the smart thing would have been to call Mom and tell her what was going on, but I couldn’t bring myself to make that call.

I grabbed my purse and walked out of my room, careful not to make a lot of noise. I didn’t want Grandma to know that I was leaving, and I was positive that if I had to look at her right now that I would end up breaking down. I walked down the stairs, careful to avoid the squeaky steps that I had come to know by heart, and made it to the front door without incident.

When I reached the front door I pulled it open slowly, walking out as I pulled the door closed slowly. I spun around as soon as it clicked into place, slamming into a very warm and muscular chest. I was about to scream when a hand slammed over my mouth. I recognized his scent immediately. It had been burned into my memory repeatedly since I arrived in South Carolina.

Chase slowly slid his hand off of my mouth, pulling me away from the front door at the same time. “What are you doing out here?” I whispered.

“Betty called me and said that you were upset and needed someone to talk to. She thought I could help,” he said with a shrug.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him down the front steps. When we reached his truck in the front yard I motioned for him to get in and crank it up. He was hesitant at first, but he didn’t refuse. We drove away from the house, the headlights off until we hit the main road, and then sped away. I had my window down and the air rushing into the cab of the truck was refreshing. I could smell honeysuckle in the air, something else that I would miss.

When we arrived at the entrance that led to the pond, I was shocked that he had brought me here again. After everything we had been through, he was still okay with me being in his personal spot. The thought made my heart flutter for a moment, until thoughts of Grandma filled my brain again. He didn’t open his door this time, instead turning his body to face me.

“Want to tell me why you were sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night?” he asked, his face a hard mask.

“Not really,” I replied as I stared straight ahead.

“Too bad. There’s something going on with you and Betty. She won’t tell me what’s wrong, so you have to,” he said.

I didn’t want to betray Grandma’s confidence, but he had every right to know what was going on. I knew that she would be upset when she found out, but right then it felt right to tell him what was going on. Maybe he could actually help, or at least be there for her during those last months when I wouldn’t be here.

“Grandma...she...damn...” I tried to say it, but the words wouldn’t come out. “She has cancer.” I spit the words out in a rush, hoping that it would be easier. It wasn’t.

His face crumbled, but no tears came. He was stronger than me, that was for sure. “How long has she known?”

“About six months, give or take a month,” I replied, finally meeting his eyes.

“And she didn’t think it was important to tell us?” he asked. I loved how he said us. It made me feel like I finally belonged with them, even though he probably meant him and Brian.

“Evidently not. You have to promise not to say anything! Nothing!” I spoke quickly. If he told Grandma that he knew, my butt would be in serious trouble.

“I don’t know...how can you expect me to keep that a secret? What about Brian? He deserves to know,” he spoke adamantly. He was hurting, and I really felt bad for him, but I couldn’t let him tell his brother.

“No. You can’t tell him. It would kill him,” I replied, my hands shaking in my lap. I was slowly losing my composure.

“I can’t keep something like that from him. If she doesn’t tell him soon, I’ll have no choice but to tell him,” he said as he opened his door and got out. I stared at him as he walked to the front of the truck. His gaze was locked on the stars above, his body resting against the warmth of the hood. I gave him a few moments alone before I climbed out as well.

“I have to ask...is Grandma the only reason why you came tonight? I mean...hell, I don’t know what I mean,” I said as I stood beside him.

He let out a nervous laugh and raked a hand through his hair. I couldn’t help but stare as he moved. His nervous habit of playing with his hair had always drawn my eye. There was something fluid and stunning about the way he moved.

“She called. I came. Why? Is there another reason that I should have been there?” he asked, his eyebrows shooting up into his hair line.

“Dammit Chase. You know what I’m trying to ask,” I said, my hands still shaking by my side. I could feel my heart rate spike, causing the shaking of my body to worsen. I hugged myself, trying to stop the tremors, but it felt like my entire body was going to fall apart, piece by piece.

“I want you to say the words. I want to hear you ask me,” he said as he pulled me into a fierce hug, my body instantly beginning to relax, the tremors subsiding. “I know what I feel, but I honestly have no clue about you.”

I snuggled into his chest, basking in the heat of his body. He felt so familiar, so comforting, that I couldn’t imagine never being able to hug him again. I looked up into his pleading eyes. He was waiting for me to tell him what I felt for him, that I wanted to give us a shot, but I couldn’t find the words to express how much I cared. How he was all I could think about, and that even though I had just found out my grandmother was dying, I couldn’t think of anything but him in that moment.

“You still can’t say it, can you? You can’t admit that you feel something for me,” he said as he pulled away from me. My body wept at the loss of contact, my limbs cooling in the evening air.

“Please,” I whimpered. “Just...help me. This is new for me, okay? I’m trying.”

“I want to help you. I really do, Roxie. But I don’t even know where to start. Just answer a simple question for me,” he said. I nodded and he continued, “Do you...do you feel anything? For me?”

“Yes,” I whispered. “I do. But I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve never...felt this way about anyone before. And it scares me, okay? I barely know you! I shouldn’t feel so strongly about you.”

He wrapped his arms around me again and I felt complete again. This should have scared me even more, but there was something so right about this moment, this feeling, that I couldn’t find the strength to fight it anymore. I hadn’t realized how much I had craved this until I was back in his arms. I had been so focused on keeping my distance from this boy that I had starved myself. Now that I was in his arms, I had no idea how I would be able to live without their comfort. And that scared me.

I looked up at him, staring at his handsome face. His lips were curved in a small smile as his eyes bored into mine, taking my breath away. I reached up to run my finger down the side of his face, his skin warm and rugged under my touch. I felt his hands on my back, his fingers in search of bare skin.

I felt the hem of my shirt lift up as his hands caressed my bare skin. My body shivered from the feel of his touch. I ran my fingers through his hair, pulling his face closer to mine. I watched him lick his lips, his tongue darting in and out, and all I could think about was tasting him again.

When our lips met I nearly crumbled. It wasn’t as fierce as our previous kisses. This time there was something more there, something beyond lust. Sure, our bodies craved a deeper connection, but this was more than simply physical attraction, as something soft and fragile mingled with the passion that coursed from one to the other. My tongue did a sensual dance with his as his hands explored my body.

His hands gripped my ass, pulling me closer to him; our chests flush with each other’s. I could feel his heart beating under the soft fabric of his shirt. I ran my hands over his shoulders, feeling the taut muscles that had drawn my eyes so many times. In that moment, in that position, I was happy. I was content.

When we broke apart we were both breathing heavily and his eyes shone with passion. If we weren’t careful things could go too far, too quickly. I was no prude, not by a long shot, but I was no slut either. I wanted my first time to be with someone special. At that moment, I couldn’t think of anyone who fit that description better than Chase. But I still wasn’t ready. This wasn’t the right time. We had more important things to deal with than our raging hormones.

“I can’t get enough of you. What is it about you?” He ran a finger gently across my lips and they parted, a small breath escaping. “How long do you think this truce will last? Cause I don’t know if I’m ready to give up those kisses anytime soon.”

I smiled at him and hugged him tight. I didn’t want things to end either, but his words caused a lump to form in my throat. Things would end, eventually. I would go back to New York and he would continue his life here. He would go to college, find a new love interest, and I would do the same. It was inevitable, but that didn’t mean that I was okay with it at that moment. I was so far from okay that it terrified me.