Knotted Roots

Chapter FIFTEEN



I spent my week of grounding in my room, only coming out to eat meals, immediately returning to my hole right after. Grandma kept asking me if everything was okay, but I ignored her questions. I didn’t want to talk about Chase, especially not with her. She asked if I had been by to see Katy since she went home, but she knew that answer. I hadn’t left the house in a week. I had talked to Katy on the phone numerous times, but I hadn’t even told her what had happened with Chase. That was my dirty little secret and I wanted to keep it that way.

Sure, it would have been fun to tell everyone what kind of scum he was, but deep down I still cared about him. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about him that way. Since I couldn’t say anything nice, I didn’t say anything at all. Katy offered more than once to come over with a couple of movies, but I declined every time. I wasn’t really in the mood to watch a bunch of sappy movies and gossip about people that I didn’t even know. What I really wanted was to call Amber.

I never did though, no matter how much I wanted to. I did, however, call my mom. She sounded really depressed, which I expected, but when I had talked to Dad, he hadn’t sounded sad at all.

“Mom, are you okay? You sound terrible,” I said as I stood in front of my bedroom window, the phone pressed to my ear.

“I’m fine. Just tired, I guess,” she replied with a sigh.

“You don’t sound fine. You sound terrible. Have you...have you talked to Dad?” I wanted to know how the divorce proceedings were going, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask. I didn’t want to do anything that might set her off.

“No,” she spat the answer at me. “And I don’t plan on it.”

“Sorry I asked,” I said as I released the breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding. “Mom, when can I come home?” I had been thinking about home this whole week and I was ready to be there. I couldn’t possibly make it through the entire summer here.

“Not yet. I told you. You shouldn’t be here for all of this.”

“You do realize that children watch their parents go through this all the time, right? I mean, even young kids have been through this. I hate it here,” I whined. I hadn’t meant to whine, but my sweet voice wasn’t doing the job. I wanted her to know how much I detested this situation.

“I’m sorry baby. Once this is all over you can come home. I promise.”

We said our goodbyes shortly after, both of us tired of arguing about the same thing. I would just have to tough it out here for a while longer. I decided to go downstairs to see if Grandma had gotten home from the farm yet. She had been staying later and later since I had been grounded. I didn’t bother to ask why. To be honest, I didn’t really care at that point. When I got downstairs I heard laughter from the living room. I walked in and nearly ran back out. Sitting there, on our couch, was Jenn and Chase. They were talking and laughing with Grandma as if nothing was wrong.

They must have heard my sharp intake of breath. As I made eye contact with Chase his smile grew even wider. He stood up and walked over to me, his arms raised to hug me. I backed away and put my hand up to stop him. He looked at me like I had just punched him in the stomach. I knew he was a good actor, but this was Oscar-worthy.

“Don’t come near me. Ever again,” I said and he tried to grab my hand. I jerked away from him and took another step back. “I’m serious Chase. Stay away from me.”

“What’s going on Roxie?” The look of confusion and hurt on his face almost convinced me that he didn’t know what was wrong, but I quickly dashed that thought.

“Not a damn thing. That’s what,” I said as I stormed out of the room, moving towards the kitchen door. I slammed through it and walked to the fridge, pulling out bottled water. I took a long drink and then put the top back on. I looked up to find Chase standing in the doorway, his eyes glued on me. “What?” I snapped at him.

“Talk to me. What is going on?” he asked calmly.

“I already told you, there’s nothing going on,” I said as I jerked my head in the direction of where Jenn was. “Better get back in there to your girlfriend. Wouldn’t want her getting the wrong idea about us.”

“My girlfriend? What are you talking about? Jenn?” He laughed loudly, but quickly covered his mouth. “Seriously? Is that what all this is about?”

“You’re damn right it is!” I was fuming at this point. How dare he laugh at me! “You talk a good game Chase, but I’ve got you figured out. I’m not about to listen to anymore lies, especially about me.”

“Wait. What lies? Roxie, I’ve never lied to you, or about you.”

“Sure, whatever. Doesn’t matter. We are done.”

I walked out the back door to the backyard. I didn’t want to deal with him anymore. He didn’t deserve my time at this point. I heard the back door slam, and when I turned around, I saw him storming towards me. I planted my feet and squared my shoulders, prepared for a showdown. When he reached me he grabbed my arms and pulled me against him. I tried to get away from him, but he was too strong.

“Let go of me Chase! Dammit!” I tried to hit him on the chest, but he didn’t budge.

“No! You’re going to listen to me!” he yelled as he kept a firm grip on my arms. “I’m not a liar and I don’t like being called one. If you’re going to accuse me of something, then I should have the option of defending myself.” He kept his grip, but didn’t pull me against him. My body screamed to be close to him, reacting to his close proximity. Damn traitor of a body.

“You don’t get it, do you? Regardless of what you say, this,” I said as I tried to motion between the two of us, “isn’t going to happen. Just leave me alone!”

“You’re doing it again. Pushing me away. I thought we were past that?” he asked as he let go of my arms and stepped away. He crossed his arms across his chest and glared at me.

“What I’m over is you. Take your girlfriend and get out. Just leave!” I screamed at him and ran away.

I didn’t bother to turn around to see if he was still there. I didn’t care anymore. He acted as if all of this was my fault, but it wasn’t me who had screwed everything up. He had done that all on his own. I kept running, desperately trying to get as far away from the house as I could. I just wanted to be alone. Was that too much to ask?



An hour later I returned to the house. I had hoped to avoid Grandma for a little while longer, but there she was. I could see her standing at the kitchen window, watching me as I walked across the backyard. I walked into the house and took my shoes off, avoiding eye contact with her. I wasn’t lucky enough to be invisible at that moment.

“Can we talk for a minute?” she asked as she walked over to the kitchen table and sat down.

“I really don’t feel-”

“Sit down Roxanne,” she cut me off, her tone leaving no room for argument.

I sat down across from her and leaned back in the chair, still avoiding her eyes.

“You’ve been moping around the house for a week now. You’ve barely come out of your room and you’re avoiding your friends. So spill it,” she said as she leaned forward on the table, resting her head in her hands.

“I’ve been grounded, remember? Hard to hang out with friends when I can’t leave the house,” I replied.

“Bull. Chase said he’s been trying to call ya, but ya never answer the phone. And Katy is always welcome here, so that excuse doesn’t fly with me.”

“Chase can rot in hell, for all I care. And I’ve talked to Katy. Every night, in fact.”

“A week ago you and Chase were making calf eyes at each other and now you want him to rot in hell? Child, that makes no sense!” she raised her voice in frustration.

I slammed my fists down on the table, causing her to jump back in surprise. “He’s a liar and a jerk! He told Jenn-”

“I should have known,” she said as she stood up. “Please tell me you’re smarter than that. Jenn isn’t exactly known for being completely honest. What did she tell ya?”

“Then they’re perfect for each other. Both of them are liars.”

“Ya don’t really believe that, do ya? Seriously. Think back on what you know about Chase. Does he seem like a liar to ya?” She shook her head as she stared at me. “You two may not have known each other very long, but it’s obvious to anyone who sees you together that there’s something there. Don’t throw that away, Roxie. It’s rare.”

I stared at her intently, unable to form a coherent sentence. She had been against the idea of Chase and me since the beginning, but now she was in full support of us? “I don’t know what to believe anymore. I know Jenn is evil incarnate, but...she answered his phone! He was supposed to be home, and she was there! I know you can’t possibly see him as the scum he is, but for once...please...take my side on this one. Just once.”

My hands were shaking, from anger or pain, I wasn’t sure. I wanted to tell Grandma how I felt about him, but even I didn’t know. Like she said, I hadn’t known him for very long, so why did I feel so strongly about him? It was a frightening thought that another person could have so much control over my emotions. To be honest, I was scared to death.

“This isn’t about sides baby. This is about getting to the truth.” She sat back down, this time beside me. She rubbed her hand up and down my back, easing away some of the tension that had seized my body. “I know that I probably don’t have the right to tell you what to do. I’ve screwed up with ya, and for that I’m sorry. But I really think you need to talk to him.”

I closed my eyes as her words sunk in. I wished I could just forgive and forget that easily, but the dagger was still firmly in my heart, turning a little bit more each time I heard his voice. I had never dealt with a relationship as rocky and unbalanced as this. It was as if we were the same side of a magnet, forced together, but constantly repelling the other. It was so frustrating.

“I don’t know what to do right now. I like him. A lot. More than I probably should.” I shook my head, my hair falling in my face. “I didn’t want to get this close to him. I wanted to leave here at the end of summer with no attachments. This isn’t permanent.”

She took her hands off of my back, and then lifted my face up to meet hers. “Ya can’t tell your heart when to beat. Just as ya can’t tell it when to fall in love.”

“Love? Who said anything about love? This is about-”

“It is about love, whether ya want to admit it or not.” She stood up and smiled down at me. “Fighting the feeling won’t make it go away. It’ll only make it that much harder.”

She leaned down and kissed the top of my head, shocking me in her gentle handling of the situation. I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t in love with Chase. I couldn’t love someone after only a few kisses. Granted, they were earth moving, soul shattering kisses, but love? I just didn’t believe it could be that easy.



* * * *



Later that night, Grandma stopped by my room for a chat. I was already in bed, reading a book by flashlight, when she poked her head in. I was in no mood to talk, but she had to get some things cleared up. She was concerned about me going back to work, especially with Chase being there.

We came to an agreement not to bring Chase up again, which was for the best. The less I thought about him, and the pain he had caused me, the easier it would be to get him out of my system. Grandma told me that if I didn’t want to come back to the farm that I didn’t have to, but what else was there to do? I couldn’t avoid him for the rest of the summer, and I knew that Grandma couldn’t afford to lose his help on the farm. I would just have to suck it up and deal with it like the adult I claimed to be.

That first day back at work was tense. We both kept our distance, neither of us trying to talk to the other. The one time I even glanced in his direction I caught him staring at me with a scowl on his face. I shot him a defiant look before giving him a very unlady-like gesture which involved my middle finger. He snarled his lip up at me and immediately averted his eyes. After that, he never looked at me again, at least not that I noticed.

There were a few stolen glances during the day. It was as if my eyes searched him out, begging for one last look. I tried to fight it, I really did, but when your body takes over there isn’t much to be done. My mind seemed to be on my side, at least. Every time my body betrayed me it would step up and remind me why he was a bad idea.

When I finished my last chore I packed everything up and walked out of the barn. I was completely exhausted and looking forward to a relaxing bath and an early night. I stepped out into the fading sunlight and found Katy standing there, bags in hand, talking to Chase. I watched them for a minute, noticing how they kept touching each other, completely relaxed. I immediately saw red, the anger simmering right under my skin. I had the sudden urge to jerk them apart, but instead I just walked away.

He had moved on quickly, which just proved that everything I had learned was true. He wasn’t worth getting upset about anymore. If he wanted Katy, then fine. They could have each other. I would gladly walk away from both of them. Well, maybe not gladly, but dammit! Did I really need to have it thrown in my face like that?

I was a few feet away from Grandma’s truck when I heard Katy calling for me to slow down. I turned to see her running towards me, her arms waving wildly, the bags threatening to hit her in the head. I didn’t want to deal with her right then, especially considering that she had obviously been flirting with Chase moments ago. No, I don’t have any claim to him, but it hurt to watch them together. I shook my head and tried to remove the image of the two of them together from my brain.

“Hey! Wait up!” Katy was panting by the time that she made it to my side. “Hey. Where ya going?”

“Home,” I snapped and threw my bag in the back of the truck.

“I was hoping that maybe we-”

“No,” I cut her off and opened the door, climbing in effortlessly. Before I could close it she had positioned herself in the way, effectively stopping me from closing the door. “Move.”

“You didn’t even let me finish. I’ve got movies,” she shook the bag in her hand and smiled. She raised the other bag, shaking it as well, “And tons of junk food. Come on, it would be fun. A girls’ night is definitely in order.”

“I think I’m going to pass.”

Her face scrunched up in confusion, her brown eyes silently questioning me. “Um...but...Betty said-”

“Grandma doesn’t make my decisions. I do. And I don’t even want to look at you right now. So please move.” I tried to close the door again but this time she grabbed my hand and flung it off of the door.

“Cut the crap Roxie. For once, just say what the hell you mean. I’m tired of walking on eggshells around you.” She thrust her hands on her hips, her face scrunching up in anger.

“Fine. You want to know? What the hell was that with Chase?” I pushed her away and stepped out of the truck, slamming the door behind me. A small look of panic flitted across her face as I continued to invade her personal area.

“Chase? What are you...wait. You’re kidding me, right? You dumped him, remember?” She took a step closer to me, defiance replacing the panic from moment’s ago. “And for your information, we’re just friends! Have been since we were five! But you wouldn’t know that, would you? You just make assumptions about everyone, automatically expecting the worst!”

She stormed away, making it only a few feet before she turned back to face me. “He really cares about you, ya know. You’ve got no one to blame but yourself for all of this.”

I stood there seething as she stormed away, her angry steps kicking up dirt as she made her way towards the barn. My heart broke a little bit more. I was mad as hell at both of them, but I had already lost him. It hurt to lose the one friend I still had. But I knew I had to stick to it. I couldn’t show either of them that they had gotten under my skin, though that might prove difficult given my recent explosions.

Instead, I made a decision that I knew would end badly, but I had no choice. I was tired of always fighting with people, of always being in pain. I had to confront Chase. There was no other choice. My body, my heart, they wouldn’t let him go, no matter how much my brain protested. I braced myself and made my way to face the inevitable.



* * * *



I found Chase in the barn’s office, sitting behind Grandma’s desk, staring intently at the computer screen. His hair was coated in sweat and stuck out in varying directions. I stopped and stared at him, taking in his beautiful face. He was completely filthy, and yet I had the sudden urge to run my hands through his hair and then gently caress the strong planes of his face, taking in every inch of his features. I took a small step forward, the movement catching his attention.

Our eyes met, and for a second I actually thought I saw happiness in his eyes, but it was quickly replaced by anger. He immediately turned his attention back to the computer, so I decided to just walk right in. I closed the door behind me and sat down across from him, the desk separating us as much as the anger we both felt.

“I’m not in the mood for your drama today Roxie. Please. Just go home,” his voice shook with restrained anger, and a hint a pain escaped with it.

“I’m not here for drama. We need to talk.”

“So talk. I’ve already said all I’m going to say.”

I drew in a deep breath and exhaled loudly, gathering my courage. “Are you and Jenn dating?” I spat it out as quickly as I could; tearing the top off of the biggest problem we had faced so far.

He didn’t respond immediately, his eyes raked over my face, causing me to fidget under his scrutiny. “What does Jenn have to do with us? That’s the part I still haven’t been able to figure out.”

“Everything. Nothing. I don’t know!” I threw my hands in the air and leaned back in my seat. “Just answer the question.”

“No, we’re just friends. I mean, we dated a few years ago, but it was nothing serious. But I’m not sure how that’s any of your business.”

“When I called you...that first night of my punishment,” I paused and looked away from his penetrating gaze. “She answered the phone. She...she said that you told her I wouldn’t leave you alone. Then she told me I was pathetic.”

I lowered my eyes to the floor, unable to meet his gaze after my confession. Why was it so hard to just tell him what she had said? I felt foolish in that moment. Could she have been lying?

“I don’t know who to be more upset with. Jenn for saying that. Or you for believing I said it.” He stood up and walked to the door of the office. He pulled it open and stopped in the doorway, his eyes finding mine once again. “I’ll deal with Jenn. But Roxie...you need to deal with you. I can’t stay on this ride with you. Not like this.”

I watched as he walked out the door, disappearing from view. I wanted to go after him. I wanted to find out what she was doing at his house that night, but I couldn’t force myself out of the chair. I pulled out my cell phone to check the time and noticed that I had three missed calls. Two from Grandma and one from Dad. I decided to call Grandma first.

“Where are you?” she asked when she answered.

“I’m in the office. Where are you?” I replied as I stood up and looked around the cluttered room.

“I’m at the truck. Hurry up. I’ve got a date with a good book,” she said. I could hear the truck’s engine start in the background.

“Okay, on my way.” I hung up and left the office, pulling the door shut behind me. I ran all the way to the truck, making it in record time. As I approached I noticed another person seated right beside Grandma in the truck. I opened the door and looked into Brian’s tired face. He looked exhausted and dirty, two things I could definitely understand.

I jumped into the seat beside him, our hips pressed against each other. The truck wasn’t meant for three people, so it was tight fit with all of us in there. He smiled at me and nodded. I returned his smile and then turned to stare out the window. I didn’t notice anything strange during the drive until we passed the turn off that would take us to Brian’s house.

“Grandma, I think you missed the turn,” I said, pointing behind us.

“Nope. Didn’t miss it. Brian’s coming to our house for the night,” she replied, never taking her eyes off of the road.

I didn’t question the news. What good would it have done anyway? When Grandma made a decision she stuck to it. Besides, maybe Chase would end up coming to pick up Brian. My heart began to flutter as I thought about seeing him again. I couldn’t help but wonder if he would want to talk to me, or what I would do if he didn’t. I pressed my forehead to the cold window and closed my eyes, trying to fight the urge to ask Brian. I had to put this out of my mind, at least for the night.