But I knew there had to be something about her. Zach would never have been interested only in someone’s body; it was minds that attracted him. And this made me loathe her even more. This cut me even deeper.
I investigated that girl’s life. Googled her at every opportunity. She didn’t have a Facebook or Twitter account, but I did find an interesting article about an attack that had happened when she was eighteen. I should have felt sorry for her but instead I was even angrier. Here was a young woman who’d been through hell, so why was she now inflicting a different hell on someone else? Her family sounded awful; dysfunctional didn’t even come close to describing it, so she must have known what breaking up Zach’s marriage would do to Freya.
But she didn’t care. She continued to pursue my husband, weaken him, because I was sure he would have put up a fight – at least initially. Zach is not a nasty man. I’ve never doubted that he loved me and Freya.
What I didn’t bargain on, when I decided not to confront him, was that my whole life would fall apart. He became increasingly distant and I found it harder to cope. I’d never been depressed before but now I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into a bottomless hole.
How would I ever free myself? How would I ever get Josie Carpenter out of my head? She haunted my dreams, sabotaged every waking moment of the day so that I, too, was just going through the motions with Freya. Feeding her, keeping her clean, making sure she had enough exercise and play, but never really being present with her.
That’s what did it: the thought that I was losing time I’d never get back with my daughter. Josie Carpenter had now stolen my whole family.
It is surreal now to recall what happened next, as if it wasn’t me at all. I’m watching someone else take the steps I took. It’s not me I see stepping into that Internet café, researching drugs, checking whether or not they would leave a trace once they’re dissolved in water.
I smiled when I came across a suitable one: Ketamine, a horse tranquilizer. It would guarantee death almost instantly. Better that way. Kinder. I wasn’t a monster, after all – I had a heart. It proved difficult to get hold of any, but eventually I managed to find a dealer who could point me in the right direction.
The night I went to her flat was warm. I remember I didn’t need a jacket. Zach had taken Freya to his parents’ house and was planning on staying there. To give me a break, he’d said. ‘Because despite being superwoman, you look exhausted.’ He didn’t know the half of it.
Once again I was numb when I knocked on her door, observing myself from above, not part of any of this. Perhaps I wouldn’t have used the ketamine, maybe I needed it for reassurance, just in case, but when the door opened and it was Zach standing there, something inside me snapped.
His mouth hung open and he stumbled to get any words out. ‘Mia, what? What are you doing here?’
I didn’t answer but stormed past him, not even noticing my surroundings. I searched every room but there was no sign of Josie.
‘Mia, I can explain.’ Zach looked distraught, following me around, and this made me even angrier. If his being there had been innocent then he wouldn’t have been so anxious, would he? He would have already explained what he was doing in one of his students’ flats.
He grabbed my arm and led me into the living room. It was bare and ugly, with only a dirty cream sofa and a sideboard in it. Zach didn’t belong here. Neither of us did. Although we’d both lived in far worse places, we had long ago put our student days behind us.
Zach guided me to the sofa and then sat beside me. I let him because I was still numb – I still wasn’t me. We stared at each other for what seemed like minutes, but must have only been seconds, before he finally began to talk.
‘Mia, I’m not sure how you came to be here, but I promise you this is nothing weird. One of my students, Josie Carpenter, lives here and I’ve just been helping her out. She’s… she’s been having a really tough time this year and has been through a lot. I know what this might look like – oh God, I really do – but I am not involved with her. You have to believe that.’
I stared at him, somehow able to control my rage. ‘Where is she, Zach? Why are you here and she’s not?’
He took a deep breath. ‘Basically she got upset about something and stormed out. She left her keys so I was just waiting for her to come back. She won’t be able to get in if I go so I’ve had no choice but to stay here.’ His words seemed to merge together and I didn’t really hear any of them.
‘What was she upset about?’
My question hovered in the air between us. It was make or break time for Zach. He was either going to lie to me or tell me the truth.
‘This is really hard to tell you but she… she tried to kiss me. I’m so sorry, Mia, I should have known she was falling for me. I should have kept away from her. I’ll never forgive myself for letting it get that far. But I swear to you, I never touched her. Not once.’
And with that lie, Zach sealed his fate.
‘Okay,’ I said. ‘I’m going to go home now. We can talk about this later. Can I use the bathroom?’
Zach’s eyes widened. ‘Um, yeah. It’s the door past the kitchen on the left.’
I expected him to follow me, to not let me loose in his girlfriend’s house, but he stayed where he was, perched on the sofa with his hands resting on his knees. That was his next mistake.
The kitchen was bare, but clean in comparison to the rest of the place, and I silently searched through cupboards, looking for the right thing. When I spotted a small bottle of Evian in the fridge it almost felt too easy, like it was meant to be. Fate. There was nothing else there to drink, so she was bound to get to it eventually. It didn’t matter to me whether it was that night or the following week, as long as she drank it.
Reaching in my bag I pulled out the ketamine and poured it into the bottle, shaking it, even though it was colourless and odourless, so there would be no sign of it in the water. Then, feeling nothing in my heart and nothing in my head, I placed the bottle back where I’d found it.
Then I went to the bathroom, just to flush the toilet so Zach wouldn’t think I’d had time to go in the kitchen.
I walked right past him on my way out and glanced at him but didn’t stop to say anything. That’s what hurts the most now. I had no idea that would be the last time I’d catch sight of him. How could I have foreseen that he’d drink Josie’s bottle of water?
I just wanted Josie dead. Not Zach. Never Zach.
But that’s just what I’ll have to live with. That is my punishment. I’ll also never know what really happened to Josie, who disposed of her body and why.
Alison denies it, of course, and she’s had a complete breakdown now, which isn’t surprising after everything that’s happened, so she’s not fit to stand trial for anything. Besides, there’s no real evidence, is there? And that’s what it always comes down to.
There is a chance Zach didn’t drink the water until much later, so maybe Josie did come back and they had a huge fight. He would have known he’d lost me at that point, and maybe his pain turned into anger. But I cannot comprehend that it was Zach who did that to her; he was always so calm, never angry with anyone. But then again, who knows what’s really within us? I would never have thought myself capable of taking someone’s life either.
I’ve thought long and hard about what Alison meant when she begged me to tell the police the truth. She knows I was there that night, she must have seen me. One thing I can’t understand is why it took her five years to track me down, but then the workings of an unstable mind are never easy to fathom. It’s possible she didn’t know who I was until she came across my website – perhaps when she was looking for a new counsellor – and saw my picture. Then maybe it all clicked into place in her head.