I fall back against the door, preparing myself to sleep on the doorstep until I can call the landlord in the morning, but instead of it catching my fall, I am toppling into the flat. I must have left it open, which is no surprise given the state I’m in, but thank God I did.
Inside, I debate whether to grab my purse and go back to the bar, but I can’t even remember where I left it. I stumble into the front room and somehow Zach is there, lying asleep on the sofa. What is he doing here? He must have come to see me and fallen asleep waiting because I’ve taken so long to get home.
I crouch down beside him, nestling my head against him. He doesn’t move. ‘Hey, Zach,’ I say. ‘I’m back. What are you doing here?’ I shake him and he still doesn’t move.
That’s when I peer closely at his face and start to scream even before I fully register what’s happening. Zach is not asleep. He’s dead.
What have I done? What the fuck have I done?
Chapter Thirty-Five
Two months later
Mia
* * *
I sit on the balcony and watch Freya and Will playing football on the beach below. Her sun hat is too large for her and keeps falling off, but each time it does, Will picks it up again and places it back on her head.
This place is a paradise, and it’s impossible to feel anything other than calm here, with miles of sandy beaches stretching in both directions, and the sea clean and warm. We couldn’t be further from London, physically and metaphorically.
It was Will’s idea to come to the Maldives. We needed to get away, he’d said. Far away. He knew exactly what I needed: distance from Alison and everything that went before. So now I sit here with a cocktail in my hand and my feet up on the opposite chair, warming my skin in the sun.
For years I couldn’t let myself think about the night Zach died; it was too painful, and reliving it would only cause even more of me to crumble away, to die inside, but now, in this beautiful place, I will allow myself to think of it. This will be a final goodbye to Zach, before I start my new life with Will.
Zach and I had always been close. He used to tell me I completed him, that he couldn’t imagine existing without me, and then we’d laugh about it because it sounded like something from a soppy romance novel. But he meant it, and I felt the same way. I let myself go with Zach in a way that I never had with anyone else. In my previous relationships I had always kept people at a distance. Not because I’d been badly hurt before, but because I didn’t believe in them. But then Zach appeared and I fell hard. He might not have realised how hard, of course, because I’m too controlled to let emotions get the better of me, but I knew I was in deep.
And that was fine. For a long time, everything was perfect.
But then something changed. It wasn’t noticeable at first, so I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened, but slowly Zach became more distant. I assumed it was because he was struggling with his novel, but he’d been working on it as long as I’d known him, so I wasn’t completely convinced it was that. Then I thought it must be because of Freya; Zach adored her but he couldn’t quite juggle parenthood and the rest of his life the way I could.
He never said this to me but I could tell he was simply going through the motions on autopilot, just trying to get through each day. I tried to make things easier for him; I made sure I took Freya out for hours every day so that he would have time to himself, time to harness his creativity. I did all the cooking and housework, but it made little difference. Zach continued slipping away from me.
I’d never been a jealous or insecure person. I always believed that if someone doesn’t love you any more then you have to let them go, let them be free. At least that’s what I thought I believed, until I convinced myself that Zach was having an affair. Then suddenly there was everything to fight for. And I’m nothing if not a fighter. I couldn’t let Freya lose her dad, not when I knew in my heart he still loved me; I had to find out what was going on.
The first time I saw Josie she was sitting in the park with him. I’d decided to surprise him and turned up unexpectedly at the university with something nice for his lunch. I convinced myself I was doing this as a thoughtful gesture, but the truth was I wanted to check up on him. Be careful what you wish for. They weren’t doing anything, or even sitting too closely together on that bench, but I knew something wasn’t right.
It wasn’t the way she was staring at him, her eyes full of adulation – I was used to Zach’s students idolising him. It was the expression on his face that gave it away. I hadn’t seen him look that calm, that at peace, for a long time. It reminded me of when we first met, how I was his whole world and nothing else seemed to exist.
This terrified me as much as if the two of them had been kissing. I don’t remember exactly how long I watched them for, but when I headed back home I felt dead inside. But I didn’t have the proof I’d need to confront him, and I wasn’t about to hysterically accuse him, like an out-of-control, irrational woman – I was stronger than that. I would get my evidence.
It was all I could think about while I sat trying to entertain Freya, to give my little girl the attention she needed and deserved. But I was so numb that I just couldn’t be mentally present in the room with her.
For days I checked Zach’s phone. But there was never anything that looked suspicious. Of course there wasn’t – he was too clever to leave a trail. This made me feel even worse, as if he was betraying me even more by hiding his tracks so well.
And then, weeks later, there was a text message from someone called Josie. I still remember the words. Finished now. Just wondering where you are? Yes, those two sentences could have been harmless, but Zach had never mentioned anyone called Josie before and I was sure he didn’t normally keep any students’ numbers in his phone.
So I did some investigating. I went through all Zach’s paperwork and found class lists of all his students with photos below their names. There were hundreds of them, and it took me ages to find her, but suddenly there she was, staring at me with a confident, pretty smile on her face. Josie Carpenter. The girl I had seen in the park.
But this still wasn’t enough evidence, so I started following him, whenever I had a free moment. I was lucky that Graham and Pam always watched Freya, and they never asked too many questions. They were only too happy to spend time with their granddaughter.
I thought I couldn’t feel any worse – and then I saw Zach go into her flat. He wasn’t there for long, but it was long enough for what I knew they must be doing in there. Of course I couldn’t see, but that just made things worse. My imagination conjured up the two of them together, Josie’s hands all over my husband.
I threw up all over the pavement. And then I left. I couldn’t risk him seeing me. Although this was all the evidence I needed, I no longer wanted to confront him. I couldn’t. He was Freya’s dad and leaving him would have far-reaching consequences for the rest of her life. I couldn’t do that to her, I had to keep our family together.
So weeks passed and I said nothing. It wasn’t because I was being weak, accepting what Zach was up to – it definitely wasn’t that. But my focus turned to Josie and I couldn’t get her out of my mind. She was barely into adulthood and it sickened me that Zach could find anything attractive in, anything in common with, someone so much younger than him.