Alison has gone. Moved out, leaving no trace that she was ever here. I should feel happy – this is what I’ve wanted for months – but instead I feel empty, and more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life. There’s also the guilt. Because I must have driven her away, mustn’t I? I threatened her like a thug who uses fear to get what they want. And the way my anger consumed me, it’s a miracle I didn’t do her any harm.
She didn’t tell me she was leaving, but she’d gone the day after our argument and I didn’t even notice she’d left until I got home from my shift at the coffee shop. I didn’t even have a chance to apologise, and I like to think I would have. That maybe it took me almost losing control to make me see that things had gone way too far. But I guess it doesn’t matter; she just wanted to get as far away from me as possible, as quickly as she could.
What does that make me?
That was two months ago and every day since I’ve wanted to tell her I’m sorry for threatening her, even though I know she won’t listen. Every day I am ready to deal with the consequences. If she reports Zach for something he hasn’t even done then at least we have the truth on our side. I try calling her mobile every few days, but of course she doesn’t answer.
Summer is nearly here, and with it, the end of my first year. I’ve nearly made it. Done what no one thought I ever could. But nothing takes away the emptiness.
Craig still texts me and, although it’s a bit awkward, we meet up occasionally, but there is nothing between us any more. He probably thinks he had a lucky escape after I admitted to him what Alison said about my family was true. Of course he offered tons of supportive words, but something had changed: I wasn’t the strong person he’d always thought me to be.
And then there’s Zach. I’ve done well to stay away from him, even though I know how he feels about me. If I was a different person, feeling the way I do about him, I would have pursued him, regardless of his personal circumstances. I know there’s a strong possibility he would have cracked eventually, if I’d been relentless enough. But I couldn’t do that to him. I already saw how much I have torn him apart, and that’s without us doing a thing.
We don’t have much to say to each other any more, but he always has a smile for me whenever we pass in the corridor, and I make do with this. Eventually I’m sure the pain I feel in the pit of my stomach whenever I see him will pass.
I’ve worked all day today – pulling a double shift because Pierre was desperate when Lucia called in sick and no one else could cover – so now I slump on the sofa, exhausted, and curl up in a ball. I close my eyes and, like a child, hope it will all go away when I open them again, but no, I’m still here in this dump of a flat, with my life falling down around me. And I’m still Josie Carpenter – the girl who brings trouble wherever she goes.
With these thoughts consuming me, I spot the bottle of gin on the bookshelf. Alison never did move it and neither did I, feeling proud of myself every time I walked past it without giving in. But now it’s calling my name. Daring me to have just one sip. Just one glass. An adult’s way to make the world disappear.
I give in and grab the bottle, taking it back to the sofa and cradling it in my hands. And the funny thing is, I don’t care. It tastes awful sliding down my throat, like sharp knives, but I carry on anyway.
I’m feeling better by the time I’ve finished the bottle, and I rummage through the cupboards in search of more, even though I know I won’t find any. It’s been months since I touched any alcohol, so there’s no chance of finding anything still lying around.
To distract myself I pick up my phone and scroll through my contacts until I see her name. Liv Carpenter. I don’t really have a plan, I only know I want to mess with her head, just like she’s tried to do to me all these years. It’s amazing how inspiration can strike when you’ve had a few.
‘And what the hell do you want?’ she says when she answers.
I laugh before I speak. ‘To tell you I’ve won, Liv. I’ve finally won. You’re not going to do anything to me. Not you. And not Richard.’
‘Oh really? And why is that?’
‘Let’s just say that if you, Richard or anyone else comes anywhere near me to try and harm me in any way then I’m going straight to the prison to have a chat with Johnny.’
She grunts down the phone. ‘Ha! A chat with Johnny? And why would you want to do that? I’m sure he’ll be really pleased to see you.’
‘Oh, he will when I tell him what you’ve been doing.’
Silence. She knows exactly where I’m going with this.
‘What’s the matter, Liv? Lost your voice for once?’
‘Just what exactly are you saying, Josie? Get to the sodding point.’
‘I know all about you and Richard.’ I don’t, not for sure anyway, but Liv will never know that.
‘I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.’
‘I know what the two of you are doing, behind Johnny’s back. I’m sure he’d love to know you’re shacked up with his cousin.’
Silence again. For longer this time. I thought she might at least deny it.
‘Listen, you little bitch, if you ever say anything to him, I’ll—’
‘But you won’t do anything, will you, Liv? Because you’ll probably be dead in some gutter somewhere before you even have a chance to get to me. Johnny won’t stand for his woman screwing around with his cousin, will he? Apart from anything else, you’ve both made a fool out of him and I know he won’t stand for that. And I guarantee that whatever he does to you will be a million times worse than what he did to me.’
‘It’s your word against ours, though, Josie, and who d’you think he’ll believe? The woman he loves or the little whore who put him in prison?’
I’m ready for this. ‘Maybe. But then all I have to do is show him the photo I took of you two from outside your window and, well, I’m sure that will convince him.’
And then, when she begins cursing and screaming down the phone, I cut her off. I should feel good after this – it’s the first time I’ve actually been able to wipe the nasty smirk off her face – but somehow I feel more empty, and more alone than ever.
For a while I stay put, telling myself I don’t need any more, that I’ve had enough to take the edge off, but then I get scared that what I’ve already had will wear off and I’ll be back to my reality. I can’t deal with that right now.
Without thinking, I grab my jacket and keys and head to the corner shop, trying my best to appear sober. But the man behind the counter doesn’t care that I’m blatantly pissed, and he doesn’t bat an eyelid when I plonk a bottle of gin down on the counter. I’d prefer something else – anything else – but I’m not stupid enough to mix my drinks.
I hand him a twenty-pound note and accidentally scatter the change all over the floor when he gives it to me. ‘Keep it,’ I say, because I just don’t care any more. He tuts and curses under his breath that I’ve given him extra work to do, but I don’t care.
Back at home I make a start on the second bottle and everything becomes a blur. Somehow hours pass and I only notice the time because someone is pounding on the door.
For some reason I think it must be Alison, and I rush to answer, almost falling flat on my face as I trip over my phone charger. I don’t even remember leaving it on the floor.
But when I fling the door open, it’s not Alison standing there.
Chapter Thirty-One
Mia
* * *
‘Josie was her own worst enemy,’ Alison says.
She walks to the window and stares through the blinds before pulling them shut. ‘I mean, she tried to be strong and keep things together, but in the end she was just… weak. But she couldn’t see it. Oh no, she thought she was invincible, made of titanium.’
I have always found it difficult to hear anything about Josie, but now I silently beg Alison to keep talking. I need to know everything that happened. Yes, she’s telling me all this for a reason, and I have no doubt she’s planned it all, right down to the smallest detail, but I’ll deal with whatever comes. Right now, my desperation for the truth overshadows everything else.