‘Is that right?’
I look her directly in the eye: it’s the best way to convince someone you are telling the truth. ‘Yes. The truth is, if I’d been a better wife then maybe none of it would have happened. He wouldn’t have had space in his life for Josie. Whether or not anything physical happened between them, there’s no disputing he had feelings for her. And that’s what I blame myself for.’
Alison stares at me. ‘Well, this is interesting. Carry on.’
My heart pounds heavily in my chest. ‘I probably expected too much from him. From our life. I always strove for perfection but that must have been exhausting for him. I mean, I know it was. He said as much. Not in a nasty way, but still. It was there between us.’
With the words catching in my throat, I tell Alison how I pushed Zach to have a baby when he probably wasn’t quite ready. ‘He was trying to write his novel and I just thought he’d be able to do it easily, even with a newborn in the house. It never occurred to me that he’d struggle, because I didn’t. I just got on with it.’
Alison utters a contemptuous laugh. ‘Well, of course Little Miss Perfect can cope with anything.’
‘No, you’ve got me wrong. I don’t think I’m perfect. Clearly I’m not. Because I lost my husband, my little girl’s father. She was only two at the time, Alison.’
She nods, and just for a second it’s easy to forget the situation we’re in. We could just be two friends discussing my grief. ‘Poor thing. That must have been hard for you, but I’m sure you coped. You always do, don’t you?’
It’s becoming clear that Alison’s not going to make this easy for me. She’s determined to force the blame on someone, even if the pieces of the jigsaw don’t fit. Could never fit.
‘I just did the best I could in a bad situation. That’s what I always try to do, Alison.’
‘Well, it’s not always that easy for other people, Mia. We’re not all as perfect as you. I’m not. Josie certainly wasn’t.’
I ignore her jibe. ‘Why do you want justice for Josie? You hated the girl. Why have you spent five years obsessing over this?’ Nothing I’m saying is what any counsellor should say, but we’re beyond that now.
‘Ha! Obsession? Is that what you think this is? Well, if that’s what you want to label it then it doesn’t matter. But this is not about obsession, Mia. Like I said, this is about putting things right. I spent so much time hating her when I should have been there for her. She wasn’t a bad person, and I should have taken the time to get to know her. Well, I left it too late then, but now she’s gone I have to try and make amends.’
Make amends for killing her. Anxiety is overwhelming me now. The longer I sit here, the more I know Alison’s not going to let me leave this flat in anything but a body bag. I can only pray that Will has heard every word and called the police. But time seems to have slowed down, and it’s an effort to keep her talking. She will see through me soon enough, I’m sure.
‘Alison, you said earlier you didn’t think there was anything going on between them, so what do you think he was doing in the flat that night? It was late, wasn’t it? Way past ten o’clock.’ I need to catch her out, get her to say something that will incriminate her.
‘Everyone thinks she must have been blackmailing him. Threatening to report their affair and tell you about it. Zach’s family and his job were both important to him, weren’t they, Mia? Important enough that he’d do anything to protect those things.’
This is exactly how the media reported it. That Zach must have carefully planned to kill Josie, initially with the drugs he used on himself, but somehow that didn’t work and so he stabbed her instead, and hid her body somewhere. Afterwards he panicked and took his own life with the poison he’d intended to use on her.
‘Where do you think her body is, Alison? What would Zach have done with it?’
‘I have no idea, Mia. And I don’t know why he came back here afterwards to end his own life. Maybe he came back to clean things up but then it all got too much for him. Because he wasn’t an evil man, was he, Mia? Despite it all.’
There are tears in my eyes now but I force them back.
But not before Alison notices. ‘Who are those tears for, Mia? For Zach? For Josie? For yourself?’
‘For all of us, Alison. Because it was all just a terrible mess. But you don’t need to keep living like this, you can be free of it all.’
‘Free of what? And what am I living like?’
‘Out for revenge – on me, because Zach’s not here for you to take things out on. Five years is a long time to have lived your life for this… cause.’
‘Are you trying to counsel me, Mia? I think it’s a bit too late for that so maybe you should save your breath.’ She stands up and leans over me. ‘Actually, before you shut up you can—’
A loud crash silences us both and it takes me a moment to realise it’s the front door being forced open. The police have come. I am safe, and they will take Alison away and lock her up.
Two officers appear in the doorway, and I’m surprised to see they’re both armed. They must have wondered what they would be walking into. I don’t even hear what they say – I’m too numb, the fear I’ve kept at bay since I stepped inside this flat suddenly paralysing me, even though I’m safe now.
All I know is that they’re talking to Alison, and then she is screaming at them. ‘Wait, you’ve got it all wrong!’ She squirms and wriggles, trying to break free from the officer who has gripped her arm, but she has no chance against him.
‘Tell them, Mia, tell them the truth—’
They haul her out of the flat before she can say any more.
That’s all I hear before I sink to the floor and let out the flood of tears I’ve been holding back.
‘Are you okay, miss?’ the other officer asks.
‘I will be,’ I manage to say. ‘I think I will be now.’
Chapter Thirty-Four
Josie
* * *
I’m in a bar and I have no idea where it is. I only know I must have walked here. But who cares? It’s so crowded there’s barely even any standing room. But this suits me fine. I don’t want to be noticed, I don’t want any dirty old men perving over me, offering to buy me drinks with smug smiles on their faces because they’ll think it entitles them to something else.
All I need is more drink. But as I walk to the bar something doesn’t feel right and I can’t think what it is. All I know is that everything in my life is wrong. And I’ve done something terrible. I just don’t know what.
‘What can I get you?’ one of the bartenders asks. He doesn’t even apologise for me having to wait so long to be served, and he barely looks at me. To him I’m just another irrelevant face.
‘A Bloody Mary,’ I say, trying not to slur my words.
He heads off to make it and I lean on the bar to wait. When he comes back he places my drink in front of me and mumbles something I assume is the price. I reach for my bag then realise I don’t have it. I check my pockets but there’s no money, only my mobile, which from the blank screen I assume has a dead battery.
‘Oh, sorry. Left my purse. Be back in a sec.’ I rush from the bar and get swallowed up by the crowd. I don’t even care if the barman sees me leave through the front door and thinks I’m some lowlife. Maybe that’s exactly what I am.
When I get outside I realise I haven’t walked that far after all. I’m on Ealing Broadway, only about half an hour from the flat – I just need to get home. It only occurs to me when I’m standing outside my front door that I don’t have my keys. I must have dropped them somewhere. ‘Damn it!’ I scream into the night. ‘Shit!’