Silent Lies by Kathryn Croft
Prologue
Five Years Ago
* * *
For better or worse. That’s what marriage is meant to mean, isn’t it, Zach? But not for us, not now you’ve gone.
The few mourners who have actually turned up are now leaving, offering me thin, but kind, smiles, no doubt trying their best to push aside all thoughts of how and why you did this, because it’s impossible not to think of it, Zach.
I’m grateful that nobody has asked why there won’t be a wake. It just felt wrong, given the circumstances. Impossible to do that for you, even though it’s tearing me up that I can’t.
Freya cries in my arms; too young, hopefully, to fully understand that we’ve just said goodbye to her dad. That she’ll never see you again. ‘It’s okay,’ I tell her. ‘We’re going home now. Everything’s going to be okay, I promise you.’
‘Dada…’ she protests, in between her cries.
Salty tears sting my eyes as I place her in her buggy and fasten her in, but I force them back; I can’t let her see how much I’m struggling with this.
‘Dada, Dada, Dada…’ Freya’s small, yet huge, words echo in the churchyard, each one crushing me. I walk faster, heading away from the church and out onto the street, hoping the momentum of the buggy will distract her from her chant.
I need to get out of this place quickly because it’s not a normal funeral, is it, Zach? Nothing about this situation is anywhere close to normal.
Out of nowhere a hand grabs me. I haven’t noticed anyone approaching, but now there are two women right in front of us, both of them strangers.
Their expressions are murderous and such intense hatred seeps from every pore in their bodies that I can almost reach out and touch it.
‘That man doesn’t deserve a funeral,’ the one clasping my arm spits. Her saliva lands on my cheek, but I’m too stunned to wipe it away.
I finally pull free of her grasp. ‘Get off me!’
‘Did you know?’ the other one screams. ‘Did you know what he was doing? It’s disgusting. Despicable. And you’re just as much to blame for being married to him.’
There is no point responding to this; trying to explain that I had no idea about anything, because the last few weeks have taught me that people like this don’t want to listen – they need someone to bear the brunt of their anger.
I try to swerve the buggy around them but they block my path. My heart thuds violently. Another thing I’ve learnt is that these people aren’t afraid to cause harm; to them it is justified.
One of them points at Freya, who is innocently watching the proceedings, staring wide-eyed at these two women. ‘And that’s his daughter. Poor kid! When are you going to let her know her father’s a monster?’
‘Monster,’ Freya mimics, and that’s when I ram the buggy straight in between them and run as fast as I can.
‘You’re just as bad as he is,’ someone shouts after me. ‘You should have known what he was doing. What kind of wife doesn’t know what her husband is up to? I hope you rot in hell!’
But how could I have known, Zach? How could I possibly have comprehended what you were capable of?
Chapter One
Now
Mia
* * *
Someone is watching me, I’m sure of that. As Freya runs off to play on the swings, I glance around the park, but there’s nobody acting out of the ordinary, only mothers like me with their young children, a few dog walkers and an elderly couple huddled together on a bench, smiling gently as they gaze at everyone, perhaps remembering when they themselves had young children. The bright sun bathes us in its warmth; this is a picture of innocence – surely nothing terrible can happen on a day like this? And there is nobody here who should pay me any attention.
‘Mum!’ Freya yells. ‘Watch me, watch me!’
It is easy to get lost in watching Freya; she has turned into a beautiful, lively seven-year-old, despite the start she had in life, and I’m only thankful she was too young to know anything, too young to even remember her father. She is gliding through the air now, her legs swinging beneath her as she gathers momentum on the swing. Her gleeful smile brings one to my own face, but still I cannot shake the feeling of eyes being upon me.
A hand touches my shoulder, causing me to leap up.
‘Sorry, Mia, didn’t mean to scare you.’ Will, my partner, has somehow crept up without me – or Freya – noticing.
‘Don’t do that! I thought… Never mind. Just don’t do it again, please.’
He holds up his hands. ‘Okay, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean—’
‘I know, I know. I’m just a bit jumpy, that’s all.’
Will scrunches his face and I can guess what he’s doing. He’s calculating dates to see if it’s the anniversary, or Zach’s birthday, perhaps. The day I married him, or the day we met. He’s wondering if it could be any of these things. But it isn’t, and I can’t explain why I feel so on edge.
‘Why?’ he says, frowning. ‘Can I do anything to help?’
This is Will all over. Mr Fix-It – if he can.
I shake my head and brace myself for his disappointment. ‘No, it’s nothing. I think I’ve probably just taken on too many clients this month. It’s hard trying to fit them all in, in just three days.’ As soon as I say this I regret it. Will already thinks I’m doing too much by setting up my own counselling business a few months ago, but I need to help people. It’s the only thing I want to do.
It’s Wednesday today and as it’s the summer holidays I’ve kept my mornings free of clients so I can be with Freya until Will comes over. Sometimes I can’t believe how much he does for us. He saves his annual leave for Freya’s school holidays so that he can take afternoons off when I need help with childcare. It can’t be easy – he’s an accountant in a huge firm and I know he’s hoping for a promotion soon, so taking so much time off in that way probably doesn’t look good. But that’s just the kind of thing he does for us. Sooner or later it’s bound to take its toll, though.
Care of my daughter is not Will’s responsibility; we’re not married and we don’t even live together – despite his numerous requests – so I owe him a huge debt of gratitude for doing so much for Freya. One day I will be able to do it. But he understands that I can’t just replace Zach.
‘Is there any way you can—’
‘I can’t stop seeing people if they need me, Will. But I won’t take on anyone new for now.’
He nods. ‘That’s a good idea. And you’re doing all right for money, aren’t you? Because if you ever need anything, all you need to do is ask.’
Zach and I never took out life insurance but, financially speaking, I’m okay. I work hard to make sure Freya has everything she needs without being spoilt, and I will never let myself be dependent on anyone.
I grab Will’s hand and pull him down next to me on the bench, while Freya screams in delight from up in the air and lets go of one side of the swing to wave to Will. I gesture for her to hold on with both hands. ‘Thank you. That means a lot to me, but I’ll be fine.’
Will waves back at Freya. ‘I guess that means you won’t think about me moving in yet? Or if that’s too weird we could get a new place together? I know you love Ealing so I’m more than happy to live anywhere around here. I just had my flat valued and I can get quite a lot for it at the moment. Apparently, after all the turmoil with the housing market, it’s a good time to sell.’