Outside, the bitter air hits me like a punch, so I pull my coat tighter around me. The car park is at the other side of the building and as we walk, Zach asks me about my plans for Christmas.
It’s a question I dread having to answer, and I frantically search for a response, one that he will believe. ‘Not sure yet,’ I say. But I should have lied, because now he will ask me about my parents and that’s a conversation I don’t want to have with anyone, let alone this man who is doing something to my insides with every word he speaks.
‘Oh,’ he says. ‘You must have a lot of options.’
I need to change the subject, and push from my mind the thought of another Christmas Day alone. ‘What about you?’
‘Oh, I’ll be visiting my parents,’ he says.
This perks me up. Maybe he’s divorced. Please let him be divorced.
‘They don’t get to see us that much and our little one’s almost two now.’
I feel like I’ve just been smacked across the face. But this is ridiculous. He’s my lecturer and of course he’s married, so why do I feel so disappointed?
Because you like him, Josie, you fool. He’s seen what’s inside you, not your looks or your body, and he genuinely seems to like you as a person.
‘That’s nice,’ I say, quickly recovering. I can never let him get an inkling of how I’ve only just realised I feel.
‘Yes, it will be,’ he says.
We continue walking in silence until we round the corner and I see my car. ‘I’m over there,’ I say. ‘Where are you parked?’
I feel half relieved and half disappointed when he tells me he’s parked along the back too. It means more time with him, but that’s more time with a man it’s pointless even thinking about.
We reach the last row and he stops, turning to face me. ‘Actually, Josie, I’m glad I’ve bumped into you today. There’s something I wanted to say to you, that I meant to say the other day, but didn’t get a chance.’
Stay calm. Be cool. ‘Go on.’ I distract myself by pulling my car keys from my pocket.
‘Okay. Um, this is a bit weird, but I just had to tell you.’ He avoids my eyes and stares past me, shuffling his feet like a nervous teenager. ‘Your story really inspired me. I don’t tell anyone this, except family, of course, but I’m actually writing a novel. Kind of a long story, but I started it years ago and, well, I’d hit a block and hadn’t written anything for a long time, but when I read your story… it kick-started my motivation, I guess.’
It takes me a moment to register everything he’s said, and then, when it dawns on me exactly what he’s saying, I feel as if I’m floating, riding high on his huge compliment. ‘I… er… thank you. That’s unexpected but… wow.’
‘It’s me who wants to thank you. You’re so talented, Josie, and I really don’t want you to give up, no matter how tough things get. Just keep remembering what we talked about in the coffee shop. Whenever you hit a low point, just think of that.’
I barely know what to say to this so I just thank him and watch him walk off, shocked that it meant so much to him that he had to tell me all this.
What does it mean?
* * *
I didn’t go home after getting into my car. Instead, I waited until Zach had driven off – fiddling around in my glove compartment to make out I was searching for something – and then I got out of the car and walked to Walpole Park. I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone now, and even if Alison was home, we were no company for each other.
Sitting on a bench, I’d got lost in the book I had to read for next semester: The Handmaid’s Tale. It engrossed me so much, I lost track of time, and suddenly it was getting dark.
Now, as I drive home, Zach fills my thoughts, even though I know he shouldn’t. He’s my university lecturer, and married with a baby, so what am I doing even thinking about him?
I’ve done some pretty questionable things in my life so far, but never something like that. I have to pull it together. Besides, even if I was tempted, there’s no evidence he feels the same.
* * *
The minute I step into the flat I hear voices in the living room. Alison’s parents must still be here, trying to spend as much time as they can with their daughter.
A cloud of loneliness settles over me. Perhaps I’m envious of her, of what she has, because I just can’t imagine anyone giving up their time to visit me, to check how my studies are going. Maybe this is what drives me to go in there. The feeling that, just for once, I want to be part of something normal, even if I’m only looking in from the outside.
I flounce through the door, plastering a smile on my face I know will annoy Alison. I’m the last person she’ll want socialising with her family.
‘Hi! Nice to…’ But it’s not Alison’s parents sitting on the sofa. It’s a young guy I’ve never seen before, with floppy hair, jeans and Converse trainers.
Alison’s face drops, as though I’ve caught them naked in bed together instead of sitting metres apart on our tatty sofa. ‘I thought you were working today,’ she says, glancing at the guy then back to me.
‘Nope, not today.’
The guy stands up and holds out his hand. ‘I’m Aaron, nice to meet you. Josie, isn’t it? I’ve heard a lot about you.’ His smile is hard to read. No doubt everything he’s heard has cast me in a dismal light.
‘And I’ve heard nothing about you, Aaron,’ I say. He takes too long to let go of my hand. ‘Are you and Alison on the same course?’
‘No. But we’re just—’
‘Let’s go to my room, Aaron.’ Alison jumps up, placing herself between us like a wall. That’s when it dawns on me that she likes this guy. This is interesting. She’s made no mention of having a boyfriend, or even just being interested in anyone – but then again, I’m the last person she would talk to about anything like that.
‘Why don’t we stay here?’ Aaron suggests. ‘Join us if you like, Josie? We’re about to get a takeaway and have a few drinks.’ He smiles at me, and that’s when I know he has no interest in Alison. ‘Well, I’m about to have a few drinks. Alison says she’s got a headache.’
I glance at Alison and see the pained expression on her face as she silently begs me to leave. ‘Nah. Think I’ll leave you to it.’ But then I think of my empty room, of spending the next few weeks alone while everyone else is celebrating Christmas. Sod it, I’ve got to eat, and spending a couple of hours with Alison isn’t the worst thing in the world. Better than being in a bar, breaking the promise I made to myself, meeting another Anthony. Besides, it’ll be fun finding out what’s going on between them. ‘Actually, I will join you. What are we having? Indian?’
‘Sounds good to me,’ Aaron says. ‘What do you think, Ali?’
It’s funny to hear her being addressed so informally. I’ve never even considered shortening her name. Somehow it doesn’t fit with the uptight clean freak that she is.
‘It’s not my favourite, but that’s fine,’ she says quietly. She stands and walks over to the bookshelf, pulling out a folder and flicking through it. It takes me a moment to realise the folder is a menu organiser, and I can’t help but chuckle. Only Alison would have one of these. ‘Here,’ she says, pulling out a sheet and handing it to Aaron. ‘This is the best one around here.’
The food arrives and it isn’t great, so when Aaron offers me a Beck’s I’m grateful to have something strong to wash it down with. One won’t do any harm, will it? I’m not going to do any more studying tonight anyway, and at least I’m at home.
Alison says very little while we eat, but Aaron doesn’t seem to notice – he’s too busy talking about himself. I consider making an excuse to go to my room, because it’s cruel of me to stay here when she clearly wants to be alone with this guy, but when her phone rings and she excuses herself to talk to her parents, I decide I may as well stay where I am for the moment.
‘Have another drink, Josie,’ Aaron says.