“I feel like you feel obliged to help me.”
I stopped her and spun her around to face me. “I’m here because I want to be here. I don’t expect anything in return and I’m not doing it out of guilt. You mean a lot to me and I want to do what I can to get you through this.”
She stepped forwards and wrapped her arms around my waist. “Thank you. In that case I’d prefer to go to yours, but can we stop at mine so I can get some clothes?”
“Alright,” I replied, hugging her back and kissing her forehead. She smelt like cherry shampoo. Nell was the answer to everything, to every question I’d ever had and the ones I hadn’t even thought of. Nothing made more sense than being with her. Things between us were hard, but it was worth it. I wouldn’t take the easy way out again.
When we got in Nell changed out of the blue dress and curled up on the sofa in her baggy pyjamas. Her black hair was tied messily on the top of her head. She’d never looked so goddam beautiful before.
“How’re you feeling now?”
She shrugged against my side. “I’m okay, I suppose. Everything still feels a bit surreal. I can’t believe I’ll never see or speak to her again.”
“I know. It’s not easy. You’re going to be okay, though.”
“Yeah, I will be eventually. You move on, right.”
I frowned. “You move past things, I don’t know if you ever really move on.”
“Have you ever lost anyone?”
I weaved my fingers through the hair that draped from the ponytail. “No, not in that sense. I’m lucky there.”
“I’m glad. Do you think I should speak to my dad?”
“I think that’s a decision only you can make. There is no right and wrong answer there, Nell. It’s not a black and white case; there are so many grey areas. I don’t believe your dad meant for her to die.”
“Neither do I, but it happened and I don’t know how to face him. What would I say? What would he say? Nothing can take it back so what’s the point?”
“Maybe the point is just to understand exactly what happened that night. It’ll never make sense but it might give you closure just to know. Don’t worry about it yet, you don’t have to make a decision now.”
“No. I suppose he isn’t going anywhere for a while yet.”
He’d been refused bail. Well, actually he’d refused it. I don’t think those were the actions of a callous, evil man. He cared. In his own fucked up way he loved her. And Nell loved them both.
“I don’t know if she’d want me to see him.”
“That’s not her decision to make. Your parents made you choose for too long, they slagged each other off and put you in the middle. If you want to see your dad then go and see him.”
She ran her hand over her face and took a deep breath. “I don’t know why I brought all that up today. Can we please talk about absolutely anything else? I need to not think about it all for a while.”
“Sure. Hey, do you want to go somewhere tomorrow? A change of scenery and not having to deal for a while might clear your head a little.”
“Where would we go?”
“Wherever you like. The coast? You never got to make sandcastles at the beach when you were a kid so let’s do that.”
She tilted her head up and raised an eyebrow. “You, a grown man, want to go and make sandcastles on the beach?”
I almost got a smile then and I missed that smile so much. “Why not? I’m not afraid to be immature.”
“I know. I’ve seen some of the Kavos pictures.”
“Funny. So, are you in? We can invite Chloe and Logan too, if you want?”
“No. I mean yes to being in but I don’t feel all that social now. I think I’d prefer if it was just us.”
Just us. When she wanted to be a hermit I would’ve thought it would only be Chloe that she’d want to see. I wasn’t quite sure when that person became me, but there was no way I was going to question it.
“Alright, I’ll sort it.”
“Are you really going to make sandcastles?” I stopped wanting to make them when I was five but Nell had never done it at all. Her parents even fucked that up for her. Every kid should know the simple pleasure of making a house out of sand and destroying it after.
“You’re really having a hard time with that, aren’t you?”
“I just can’t picture it. You all manly and covered in tattoos sitting in the sand filling up a bucket.” She shook her head. “Even my imagination rejects the image.”
“Hey, castle making is a very manly exercise.”
“How?”
“Oh, you’ll see.” Great, now I had to think of ways to not look like a dickhead. “Are you hungry?” I asked.
“I don’t think I can eat. I just want to sleep but it’s far too early.”
“No, it’s not. Come here,” I said, shuffling so she could lay on me better. “Sleep here for a while.”