She fell asleep quickly. Her breathing became heavy against my chest and I wished I’d removed my t-shirt so I could properly feel it. I dozed off now and again, tightening my arms around her whenever I woke and she was still tucked into my side.
Nell was gone when I woke up but I could smell the coffee she was making, travel through the house. I expected her to be sleeping still but it was a good sign that she’d got up early. She was coping well but she’d not spoken about it much.
I got up and walked through to the kitchen. She stood against the worktop, wearing nothing but one of my t-shirts. There would be something under black material no doubt, but I could pretend she was naked.
“Hey,” I said when she didn’t look up. Her eyes were focused on the black liquid pouring into the pot.
She smiled and glanced up before returning to the task. “Morning.”
“You’re up early.”
“I couldn’t sleep any longer. I think I’ve slept so much over the last few days that I could go a week without. Coffee?”
Nodding, I rounded the island and wrapped my arms around her waist. She settled back against my chest. “I’d love some coffee. Want me to make it?”
“I can do it.”
“I know you can but I want to look after you.”
Tilting her head up, she looked into my eyes. “I know but I’d actually like to do this one tiny thing for you. You’ve been my human box of tissues most nights since my mum died and you’ve blown off your friends to stay in with me, I think I can make you a drink.”
I hadn’t been out, not when I was invited on a lad’s night or when my dad and Lance wanted me to go and play poker. Nell needed me and that was the most important thing right now. She was everything and there was nowhere else I wanted to be.
“I don’t want or need anything in return, Nell.”
Looking back at the coffee machine she replied, “I know you don’t.”
It seemed like she wanted to say a hell of a lot more but her body tensed and I could feel her pull away though she didn’t move an inch.
“How do you feel today?” I asked, laying my head on the top of hers. She looked better, her eyes held less pain and her smile was a fraction wider.
“Actually I’m doing okay. I miss my mum but I know she wouldn’t want me to lay in bed and cry all the time. She’d roll me out and tell me to get on with it. Because if there’s one thing my mum was good at it was getting on with it.”
“How’re you planning on getting on with it then?” What I really wanted to know was how long she was staying. I had a feeling if she said seventy years it still wouldn’t be enough for me.
“Going back to work and getting out of your hair,” she replied, pouring coffee into two mugs.
“You’re not in my hair.”
“That’s sweet of you to say and you know I appreciate it but I feel like I have to go home and get back to normal, you know?”
She didn’t want to take advantage even if she knew that wasn’t how I felt.
“I get it. As long as you know you’re welcome for however long you want.”
“I do, thank you.”
Letting go of her, I sat on a stool and watched her work. She was okay when she was busy doing something. Nell had an addictive spirit, people loved to be around her. But I’d not seen her lightening smile, been on the end of her teasing, or heard her laugh in too long.
“I’ll go home after the beach tomorrow.”
“Alright.”
Fucking hell, I already missed her. Rubbing my forehead, I sighed. “You feel up to it? Going home again I mean.”
“I’ve been living alone for a couple years now, I’ll manage I’m sure.”
Right, but the last time she was alone she closed herself off. It had only been a few days and I wasn’t sure if she’d be strong enough to carry on as she is now when there was no one there to pull her back.
“Yeah, but I’m worried. Every day I see more of the old you but I worry about when you’re on your own.”
I expected her to shut me down. Recently she’d opened up about how she was feeling but now she was getting back to normal I assumed everything would go back to how it was.
Standing and waiting for her reaction was nerve-wracking.
Finally she dipped her head in a small nod. “I understand,” she said much quieter than usual. “The last week and a half I’ve made a couple of bad choices and pushed everyone away but I don’t want that. For most of my life I’ve kept myself locked away so I wouldn’t get hurt, but I got hurt anyway. I’m tired of half living and not having people close. Me and Chlo are close but I see how she is with Cassie and I want that too. They share real, deep stuff that I would never dream of telling another person.”
“What do you want from life, Nell?”
Frowning, she bit her lip. “I want… God, everything’s changed and it’s a little scary. I’m still trying to get my head around it and I’m trying not to listen to the nagging voice that tells me I’m going to end up like my parents.”