“Nell, I think after what they put you through, they have no right to ask anything of you. They’ve been selfish your whole life.”
That did make sense but it was difficult when I felt like I should go to him. I had two conflicting emotions and right now I wasn’t thinking clear enough to choose between them. So I’d do what Damon said – for once – and give myself time. My dad owed me time.
“Yeah, thanks. Now,” I said, handing him the bucket, “fill this up and let me laugh at you.”
He looked at me sternly. “No pictures of this are to be taken.”
Saluting, I grabbed my own and stood up. For the next few hours I wasn’t going to think of everything I’d lost or still needed to do. I was going to have some immature fun until we went home and got back to reality.
Right on time, Logan knocked on my door. Chloe had mentioned that he might pop by on his way home from work. By that she meant he most definitely would because she’d instructed him to.
“Hey,” I said, opening the door and standing aside so he could come in.
“Hey, you okay?”
“I’m fine, Logan, you don’t have to check in on me.”
“Yes, I do.”
“You don’t, I’m doing fine.”
He nodded and walked to the living room area. “I know and that’s exactly what I said to Chloe but she threatened me with a sexless month and there’s no fucking way I’m doing that, so I’ll put the kettle on and you can tell me all about what’s happening with Damon.”
I groaned and followed as he turned, walking through to the kitchen. “Did she also tell you to ask about that?”
“Nope,” he replied over his shoulder.
“So why do you want to talk about it?”
“I like you and I like Damon and think you two could be happy if you let yourselves.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re being one of those annoying in-a-relationship people.”
“Because I want you to be happy?”
“Yes. I think I prefer bitter singles. Or bitter people in relationships.”
“Come on, Nell, you’re not fooling anyone anymore.”
I glared. “Fine, arsehole, I like him.”
Logan laughed and flicked the kettle on. “Sweetheart, you love him.”
See it was cute when he called Chloe sweetheart and just plain patronising when he called me it. Narrowing my eyes, I stuck my middle finger up. “I like you less and less.”
“No, you don’t. You were Team Logan from the start.”
I dropped my hand and shrugged one shoulder. “You’re hotter than your brother.”
He beamed. “Thank you.”
Why did I even say it? “Anyway! I do not love Damon, I care about him a lot and every day I feel myself truly believing that I won’t turn into my parents, but how can I be in love with someone that I’ve never been with?” I was lying through my teeth but admitting it to a second person meant I couldn’t live in my protective little bubble until I was ready for it to pop. He’d be on my case about as well as Chlo.
He cocked his eyebrow. “Do you believe all of the shit that just spewed from your mouth? Weren’t you the one telling Chloe that she loved me before we were together?”
“That’s different.”
I really don’t know how right now, but it was different.
“Nell, why are you still not admitting the truth to yourself? Or have you?”
Sighing, I dropped down on a chair and banged my head on the table. “Because even though I know I will do absolutely everything in my power to break the abusive relationship cycle in my family, there’s still a chance. I can’t guarantee it won’t happen and that terrifies me.”
“There’s a chance with anyone then. Your parents and grandparents fucked up big time but they could have got help and got out. They chose not to. You get a choice too.”
I knew he was right, but sometimes it was hard to take that leap from safety to the unknown. My grandparents hurt each other until they couldn’t even be in the same country anymore, my dad lost his freedom and my mum lost her life. That was my only experience of relationships. Abusive people were my role models growing up and I was terrified that I had that in me somewhere deep down. After all, my mum wasn’t abusive before my dad and visa versa.
“Look, your fears and reservations are understandable, fucking hell are they understandable, but that guy worships you and he would never let things turn out they way it has for them. Trust him, Nell, because no one will ever love you as much as he does.”
“You have no idea how much I hate it when you’re right.”
“You sound so much like Chloe.”
I smiled as he placed a mug of coffee in front of me. “Thanks. How is married life?”
“I love it.”
“Nothing’s changed, has it?”
“No, not at all. I was going to be with her forever no matter what a piece of paper said or what was wrapped around our fingers. I love knowing that she has my surname and the boring legal shit like next of kin but it hasn’t changed our relationship. Not a single fucking thing could do that.”
“You’re so sweet.”
He shrugged. “I just say shit as it is.”